Monday, May 24, 2010

How To Kiss

Saturday night I went out with Shaleese.

She's beautiful and funny. Forward, fearless, and spontaneous. She has a tight little body which I have wanted to appropriately run my hands up and down since the moment I saw her. She is LDS. Wants a Temple Marriage. She knows what "off sides" is and very capably beat me in miniature golf. She ordered a steak and finished it.

So... with such a dazzling resume it may surprise you to hear that I will never call Shaleese again.

Secretly, every date I go on I hope for a first date make-out. If I'm being truthful I would prefer to make-out with most girls before I bothered learning their name if they'd let me. Ever since that first "funny feeling" in my loins at my discovery of the fairer sex I have been trying to perfect the art of kissing. Doesn't that make sense? When you want something isn't it normal to try and learn the best way to get it? If I want to kiss and love to kiss then shouldn't it be a skill that I cultivate and practice? I put the amount of thought into a kiss that most people put into what they are going to name their first born.

I think that everyone should take kissing very seriously. I'm not even talking about being a total "lip whore" either. I am not making a case that one/me/you should kiss the maximum number of people possible. Look at me? I know you think I kiss everything that moves, but, that is obviously because your reading comprehension abilities suck. Because it will be June in a week and I have only kissed 2 girls in 2010. That's right, two girls, Sanders and Daisy! I bring that up so you know that I am not making a point for kissing as many people as possible for practice. Nor am I attempting to justify my aforementioned desire to "kiss" first and "get to know" later, but I digress...

I think that everyone should take kissing very seriously. Thus making the world a better place. My first kiss was sloppy, clumsy, and brief. Was it enjoyable? Sure, but only because it was brand new and exciting. If I experienced that exact same kiss today I would have to open my eyes to make sure I wasn't just sloshing my face into the sweat-glistened shoulder of Rocky Balboa. Nobody wants that.

What does someone who takes kissing seriously do? I can only tell you what I do. I think about what I am doing.

First, I gather intel. Even when a kiss is far from happening I like to talk about kissing with girls I will never, would never, or may never kiss. This is how I learn things like, "I love it when a guy stops for a second to give me a kiss on the forehead." "Yeah, so long as that forehead kiss isn't all slobbery." Or, "I hate it when a guy just sucks my bottom lip, breathes, sucks, breathes, over and over again. I got a whole mouth here, buddy." One revelation I was privie to at a young age was when a girl said, "He stuck his tongue in my mouth as far as it could go and just wiggled it back and forth like was a pencil erasure and he had a whole ream to go." At the time, that's exactly what I imagined the tongue did every time I saw a couple lock lips on TV. I was way too scared then to ask her what she would have preferred he. Which didn't matter because I was also too scared to ever try and kiss her anyway, but I wish I would have asked then.

Second, I make myself aware. When I am kissing someone I am constantly asking myself questions: What are my hands doing, where are they, how long have the been there? What are my lips doing? Have I been doing the exact same motions over and over? How is she reacting to what I do? What sounds or faces is she making? Oh, she just went 'Mmmm' when I did that... okay I will try that again.

Third, as with all situations, I apply my scriptures. One of the most successful things that I have found in learning how to kiss is the application of the Golden Rule. When Jesus said it he said, "whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them." [matt.7:12] While I am being kissed I take note of the things, techniques, applications that a girl uses on me. If something happens during a make-out and I think, "That felt good, I like that," then that's the time to plug whatever "that" was into the Golden Rule. Take a kiss on the neck, for example.

Kissing in the Golden Rule: Whatsoever way ye would that women kiss you, do ye even so to them."
Kissing the neck: Kiss others on the neck because you like being kissed on the neck.

See how simple? The first time a girl pulled out of a lip lock and nuzzled her face to my neck was astonishing. She only kissed me three or four times softly and then moved back to the straight kissing. It blew my mind. So, several minutes later I returned the favor. Which was received by one of those "Mmm" sounds.

I kissed a different girl months later and remembered how much I liked being kissed on the neck. So, I kissed her on the neck. She never kissed my neck back, but, she thought I was a great kisser and therefore wanted to keep kissing me. That's still a win. Sure, she didn't kiss my neck, but this girl ran her hand up the back of my neck and pulled my head in a little tighter during a deep kiss. I liked that... took note of her timing and added it to my bag of tricks.

Of course, some of the things I like she won't and vice versa. Also, I recognize that men and women are different and require different things in a kiss... but as a general rule the Golden one is a good foundation.

The same goes for things you don't like. Sanders actually used to stick her tongue directly into my ear canal during a make-out sesh... I hated it. I followed suit though thinking she must have liked it if she was doing it to me. Even though she never reacted the way she did when I did something I knew she liked... like softly licking her top lip before kissing it. We got to a point where we were comfortable talking about how we kissed and discovered that we both hated the "ear canal slurp".

Which brings me to the final kissing "must do". Be comfortable talking about it. Be prepared to be told one of your stand bye moves might be no bueno. Ask what you can do. Be adaptable. Each and every person is different - I know that, even in my limited kissing experience. Also, variety makes for bomb make-outs.

Holy fetching RANT! Sorry. Actually I am not sorry... you know what else? Guys work a lot harder at this than girls do. Girls very seldom put any thought into kissing. Sometimes when I talk to them it never occurred to them to consider what a guy wants her to do... As I look back on my rant I see many times where I say "obviously" and "of course" but really, this isn't as common sense as it should be. Ladies, please! Having nice stems and a sweet tushy is not going to save you if you suck at kissing... and by extension, suck at making love (under the new and everlasting covenant).

Case in point, Shaleese and I got to her door post date and started kissing. There was a lot of sexual tension from the training and what was a very flirtatious date. She eluded to being a good kisser several times on the date. Fact: Shaleese may be the worst kisser I have ever swapped saliva with. She asked me to come in after a few minutes on the porch, which I did, but after about 20 minutes I was sooo bored. She was lifeless. She was passionless. It was as if she has always thought. "I am a hot girl and boys want to put their mouth on mine so I let them. No big."

Shaleese barely moved her mouth or tongue. She just sort of left her mouth half open. Her hands never moved or squeezed my arms a little tighter. She just closed her eyes and let it happen. It became clear to me that she had never put one single thought into the art of the kiss.

If you are reading this, I want you to find the sweatiest hairless body part (not your own) that won't make you second guess partaking of the sacrament on Sunday, and rub your face in it slowly and firmly for 20 or so minutes. Then, and only then, will you be capable of understanding why I will not, can not, date Shaleese. I have no respect for people with no kissing improvement agenda.

Jake

39 comments:

Nikki said...

Kissing is hot. I love it. You can learn to be a good kisser but a good rule of thumb is: boring is as boring does and since kissing is the gateway to sex, it sounds like the finale may be not so climaxic. So sad. I hate feeling teeth....I mean holy hell.

Confessions from a Mormon Maxi-Pad said...

Maybe you should offer a workshop, that way you could kiss a bunch of girls and practice and decide who is date-worthy and who is not.

Meg said...

That was actually REALLY interesting to read. Possibly my favorite post. Entertaining, and enlightening. Improving technique is something I think about, but I didn't realize guys cared quite that much. Good to know! Ha ha!

Kari said...

I hereby promise to put more effort into kissing. However, I will not rub my face in someone else's sweatiest/hairless body part. :) Thanks for the laughs Jake!

Kayde said...

The ear canal slobber fest is sick! and guys tend to do it a lot. I do not want a lake in my ear..thanks though. Love that you know this. Awesome post I was cracking up but sorry no face rubbing here. I got what you meant without that.

Anonymous said...

Does anyone ever find Nikki's comments and interest in this blog mildly creepy?

This was actually sort of useful, Jake. Bravo.

Anonymous1 said...

A kiss without passion is DEAD! Yuck. Passionate, moving kisses are awesome. I run my hands through their hair and move them around their back...and yes. It. is. GREAT.

Anonymous said...

I find peoples obsession with Nikki's comments creepier than Nikki's comments.

Anonymous said...

Ba ha ha! Bravo Jake. What an excellent post. Kissing is VERY important to a relationship so I fully support your decision to NOT continue seeing this gal.

kel(LOVE)lie said...

I thought this post was really entertaining. In fact, I applaud you for your implementation of the Golden Rule. People could take notes...

However, I'm slightly indignant about one point: "Guys work a lot harder at this than girls do. Girls very seldom put any thought into kissing." Dude, sweeping generalizations are not cool.

Anonymous said...

I find Nikki's comments within 20 min of a new post pretty creepy. It's not like she's 43 or married or anything... Nikki we are all glad you're 43 and married for 18 years, but really... Confessions from an average Mormon RM's snogfests? Just admit it, it's like those cheesy romance novels that women post 30 like to read and get by mail a few times a week.

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

I'll admit this post is right on the mark. I think making out is the only time the male brain is able to think about more than one thing at a time.

The Golden Rule is a perfect way to explain that. It's especially useful to know that if you want your partner to do something specific, if you do it yourself then, granted your partner is cool with it, it will most likely be reciprocated.

Anonymous said...

nooohohooo no, girls totally think about this stuff too

Ryan @ thesinglesward said...

Ya know MBP, sometimes we try to criticize saying you give YSA guys somewhat of a bad rap, but this post was pretty spot on. In fact, I just told Zane to read this, he says he's not ready for his first kiss post mish.

Shawntae said...

Haha that is hilarious. A good kiss is always key. Seriously if they don't kiss well I can imagine what else they dont do well.;) I hate feeling teeth or when they shove their tounge down your throat. Or when they sit their and say oh i'm such a good kisser then you do kiss them and they suck!!
I once had a guy stick his tounge in my ear and I pulled back and said DON'T Do that. So I don't think your the only one who doesn't like the saliva in the ear thing. haha

Nikki said...

Hell yes. I don't deny any of it.

Anonymous said...

Don't underestimate the power of the ear kiss. If you get someone skilled doing it.......mmmm...... I'd be a fan of that on facebook

artsyesque said...

Jake.

You're marvelous! Wonderful! This is perhaps your best post ever. If the way you approach the issue of kissing in anyway carries over into the approach to relationships in general, some lady will be very lucky someday. It appears any little lady would be lucky even just to lock lips with Your Majesty. :) (sigh) I'm married. I will never know what it's like...

Crystal said...

Everyone stop picking on Nikki. Geez. This blogs commenters LOVE to pick on people. I don't get it.

I'm sorry Shaleese was a terrible kisser. That does really make things difficult.

Anonymous said...

Oh man! I need a good kiss! How about we make out! I'll be the judge and see if your deep thought is really all that good!

brie said...

you know jake, i put a lot of thought into my kissing. really - i've kissed (and this isn't a joke) more guys than i can remember, and boy, i remember kissing some real losers in the lip dept, and it was a shame cuz sometimes they were otherwise normal and cute boys - but nothing is worse than getting your face smashed by a giant wet tongue or worse - getting upside down spiderman kissed. that counts as my all time worst kiss. don't try to recreate that scene.
just. don't. (she says, pained.)

{Jesica Huffaker} said...

Enjoy the kissing now because when you're married it goes away. Not that I want it to it just does because you've moved on to bigger and better things. I can't remember the last time I had a make-out session with my husband.

can't resist said...

your kiss is on my list.

BossLyrics said...

"

Grateful Dude said...

Most girls can't kiss worth a crap. Take heed ladies.

BossLyrics said...

"Oh, oh, oh, honey! Squeeze him tight! Find out what you wanna know! Promise love, and if it really is, it's there in his kiss!"
"How 'bout the way he acts?"
"No no no! That's not the way! You're not listenin' to all I'm sayin'!"
"If you wanna know if he loves you so it's in his kiss!
"That's where it is?"
"Oh, yeah! Its in his kiss!"
"That's where it is!"

hater said...

I am not the hater who usually hates on this blog, but I do hate this blog... except for this post.

You actually thought before putting this one down, didn't you?

After reading this, I don't doubt you are a good kisser, but I still think you are a douch bag.

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

Jesica Huffaker:

I pity you.

You know hat makes sex even better? The build up. Just like the first kiss, the first anything, or anything you don't get or give away freely, the work and the build up to something awesome makes it inherently more awesome.

I love fore-play, even if it leads no-where given my current marital status. It's like the Trailers before a movie, even though you know the main event is still on it's way, you can't miss the previews.

For all those women who let their husbands get the pooty without the proper build up, Stop being such a slut!

Tara said...

Jake, this is one of your blogs best posts! It belongs in the sidebar.

I don't agree that guys work at this more than girls but the golden rule is a good thought.

Bags said...

That post totally reminds me of this. I lol'd at both, without a doubt. Everyone has a style, and sometimes they suck... literally.

Anonymous said...

The sweaty body part imagery is priceless! ...and gross.

Anonymous said...

I feel like you should perform a public service for your species, and teach Shaleese how to kiss correctly. If she's as hot as your resumé makes her out to be, than no doubt other guys are gonna ask her out.
just saying

Anonymous said...

Teach Me Jake! Teach me!

jmo said...

This could be a good thing for all, for she could easily be over there going, "Man, i hope he never calls me again. Terrible kisser!"

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA, you quoted scripture for your kissing rant. too funny.

Anonymous said...

i agree, getting kissed on the ear, when done right is pretty hot.
my first boyfriend did the whole shove his toungue in my mouth. Yeah, he didn't last long.

jugglerchic said...

I don't know if I ever told you guys this, but I found your blog when look for relationship/ kissing advice for mormons. Yeah, I just admitted it.

Anyway, thanks for the advice, and since your other readers seem to agree, I'll take it. When I have my first kiss, I'll tell you how it goes and if your tips worked. Haha.

Sounds like you're a full on alfalfa kisser.

Ashley Jane said...

That annoys me that she kissed so pathetically. And it's so stupid when people say that they are good kissers. How can they even know that? They don't kiss themselves. And kissing isn't the same with every person so how can you always be at the top of your game- if your partner is playing a different game? (i.e. kissing way differently [/worse] than you'd like to be.) Anyway... depending on how much you like Shaleese (aside from her worthless kissing), maybe you can do what you just said yourself- and talk to her about it. But I think she's too busy being flirty, sarcastic, overly confident, and self absorbed to have a real conversation with you about that and take any pointers. But think about it maybe.

Ducky said...

False. I thought kissing was an art form when I was single (still do, but it's a little different when you're not kissing everyone). I put so much analysis into it that I should have been some sort of kiss psychologist. All I really wanted was for a guy to kiss me, be mind blown because I matched him and topped him, and then never talk to him again. I don't know if that ever happened, but it was the goal, and it was fun.