How To Kiss

Saturday night I went out with Shaleese.

She's beautiful and funny. Forward, fearless, and spontaneous. She has a tight little body which I have wanted to appropriately run my hands up and down since the moment I saw her. She is LDS. Wants a Temple Marriage. She knows what "off sides" is and very capably beat me in miniature golf. She ordered a steak and finished it.

So... with such a dazzling resume it may surprise you to hear that I will never call Shaleese again.

Secretly, every date I go on I hope for a first date make-out. If I'm being truthful I would prefer to make-out with most girls before I bothered learning their name if they'd let me. Ever since that first "funny feeling" in my loins at my discovery of the fairer sex I have been trying to perfect the art of kissing. Doesn't that make sense? When you want something isn't it normal to try and learn the best way to get it? If I want to kiss and love to kiss then shouldn't it be a skill that I cultivate and practice? I put the amount of thought into a kiss that most people put into what they are going to name their first born.

I think that everyone should take kissing very seriously. I'm not even talking about being a total "lip whore" either. I am not making a case that one/me/you should kiss the maximum number of people possible. Look at me? I know you think I kiss everything that moves, but, that is obviously because your reading comprehension abilities suck. Because it will be June in a week and I have only kissed 2 girls in 2010. That's right, two girls, Sanders and Daisy! I bring that up so you know that I am not making a point for kissing as many people as possible for practice. Nor am I attempting to justify my aforementioned desire to "kiss" first and "get to know" later, but I digress...

I think that everyone should take kissing very seriously. Thus making the world a better place. My first kiss was sloppy, clumsy, and brief. Was it enjoyable? Sure, but only because it was brand new and exciting. If I experienced that exact same kiss today I would have to open my eyes to make sure I wasn't just sloshing my face into the sweat-glistened shoulder of Rocky Balboa. Nobody wants that.

What does someone who takes kissing seriously do? I can only tell you what I do. I think about what I am doing.

First, I gather intel. Even when a kiss is far from happening I like to talk about kissing with girls I will never, would never, or may never kiss. This is how I learn things like, "I love it when a guy stops for a second to give me a kiss on the forehead." "Yeah, so long as that forehead kiss isn't all slobbery." Or, "I hate it when a guy just sucks my bottom lip, breathes, sucks, breathes, over and over again. I got a whole mouth here, buddy." One revelation I was privie to at a young age was when a girl said, "He stuck his tongue in my mouth as far as it could go and just wiggled it back and forth like was a pencil erasure and he had a whole ream to go." At the time, that's exactly what I imagined the tongue did every time I saw a couple lock lips on TV. I was way too scared then to ask her what she would have preferred he. Which didn't matter because I was also too scared to ever try and kiss her anyway, but I wish I would have asked then.

Second, I make myself aware. When I am kissing someone I am constantly asking myself questions: What are my hands doing, where are they, how long have the been there? What are my lips doing? Have I been doing the exact same motions over and over? How is she reacting to what I do? What sounds or faces is she making? Oh, she just went 'Mmmm' when I did that... okay I will try that again.

Third, as with all situations, I apply my scriptures. One of the most successful things that I have found in learning how to kiss is the application of the Golden Rule. When Jesus said it he said, "whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them." [matt.7:12] While I am being kissed I take note of the things, techniques, applications that a girl uses on me. If something happens during a make-out and I think, "That felt good, I like that," then that's the time to plug whatever "that" was into the Golden Rule. Take a kiss on the neck, for example.

Kissing in the Golden Rule: Whatsoever way ye would that women kiss you, do ye even so to them."
Kissing the neck: Kiss others on the neck because you like being kissed on the neck.

See how simple? The first time a girl pulled out of a lip lock and nuzzled her face to my neck was astonishing. She only kissed me three or four times softly and then moved back to the straight kissing. It blew my mind. So, several minutes later I returned the favor. Which was received by one of those "Mmm" sounds.

I kissed a different girl months later and remembered how much I liked being kissed on the neck. So, I kissed her on the neck. She never kissed my neck back, but, she thought I was a great kisser and therefore wanted to keep kissing me. That's still a win. Sure, she didn't kiss my neck, but this girl ran her hand up the back of my neck and pulled my head in a little tighter during a deep kiss. I liked that... took note of her timing and added it to my bag of tricks.

Of course, some of the things I like she won't and vice versa. Also, I recognize that men and women are different and require different things in a kiss... but as a general rule the Golden one is a good foundation.

The same goes for things you don't like. Sanders actually used to stick her tongue directly into my ear canal during a make-out sesh... I hated it. I followed suit though thinking she must have liked it if she was doing it to me. Even though she never reacted the way she did when I did something I knew she liked... like softly licking her top lip before kissing it. We got to a point where we were comfortable talking about how we kissed and discovered that we both hated the "ear canal slurp".

Which brings me to the final kissing "must do". Be comfortable talking about it. Be prepared to be told one of your stand bye moves might be no bueno. Ask what you can do. Be adaptable. Each and every person is different - I know that, even in my limited kissing experience. Also, variety makes for bomb make-outs.

Holy fetching RANT! Sorry. Actually I am not sorry... you know what else? Guys work a lot harder at this than girls do. Girls very seldom put any thought into kissing. Sometimes when I talk to them it never occurred to them to consider what a guy wants her to do... As I look back on my rant I see many times where I say "obviously" and "of course" but really, this isn't as common sense as it should be. Ladies, please! Having nice stems and a sweet tushy is not going to save you if you suck at kissing... and by extension, suck at making love (under the new and everlasting covenant).

Case in point, Shaleese and I got to her door post date and started kissing. There was a lot of sexual tension from the training and what was a very flirtatious date. She eluded to being a good kisser several times on the date. Fact: Shaleese may be the worst kisser I have ever swapped saliva with. She asked me to come in after a few minutes on the porch, which I did, but after about 20 minutes I was sooo bored. She was lifeless. She was passionless. It was as if she has always thought. "I am a hot girl and boys want to put their mouth on mine so I let them. No big."

Shaleese barely moved her mouth or tongue. She just sort of left her mouth half open. Her hands never moved or squeezed my arms a little tighter. She just closed her eyes and let it happen. It became clear to me that she had never put one single thought into the art of the kiss.

If you are reading this, I want you to find the sweatiest hairless body part (not your own) that won't make you second guess partaking of the sacrament on Sunday, and rub your face in it slowly and firmly for 20 or so minutes. Then, and only then, will you be capable of understanding why I will not, can not, date Shaleese. I have no respect for people with no kissing improvement agenda.

Jake