Friday, May 21, 2010

Weighing In

With all my goings on with Claire, Andrea, Shaleese, and ugly-kissing-traps of late, I haven't had a chance to weigh in on our new roommates or talk about much else. So, since there is nothing interesting to write about - except for maybe the run in I had with Todd Herzog while doing my second to last day of Census detail yesterday... but no one wants to hear about that. (I did get a pic though!)

Tim is a pretty cool guy. I like him. He has one of those "radio voice's" which makes me wish I could get him to church so he could bless the sacrament because that would sound awesome (motivation for missionary work). My only irritation with him so far is that he does these courtesy laughs where it seems like he realizes mid-laugh that it may seem a little disingenuous so he over compensates by laughing much harder and longer than would ever be necessary. It makes for an experience which usually leaves whoever is in the room with a pained look on their face, that reminds me of a 10 year old playing the sunflower in the school play.

Best Tim quote:
"You know Jake, the use of a that's-what-she-said joke during a Sunday school class discussion is always appropriate... if properly timed."

Gabe was a good companion of mine on the mish... I wouldn't say one of the best, but he was in the top 2/3's. Part of the problem with Gabe is that he and I have very little in common. He is a pretty boy, whereas I am more of a bum/gutter. The guy loves cars do much he has to go see his Bishop every time that he sees a nice one, whereas I don't know the difference between an Audi A4 or A8. I knew before I asked Gabe to move in that Calvin would probably hate him, (which Calvin didn't learn until proofreading this) but I have kind of taken on the management side of our "business" and we need renters, so I figure if anything, Calvin's distaste for Gabe will just lead to some hilarious mockery later on. Meanwhile the bills are paid.

Best Gabe quote:
"When I get a Pagani Zonda I can sleep with any girl I want. Where can I get $675,000 dollars and fornication pass?"

Aaron is still gay. He had his birthday this week and we all forgot, but he didn't say anything to anyone. It's not like theres Facebook or phone reminders or Outlook calendars to remind us of things like this. Aaron decided to never bring it up, and then, after his birthday he tries to bust some guilt trip on us. Doesn't that sound gay to you...? Obviously I mean "gay" in a the NOT-homosexual kind of way, (not that I needed to explain that to you) though, I suspect Aaron is that kind of gay too... just check the tile in the kitchen.

Best Aaron quote:
"Dude, an entrechat has nothing to do with any of the five positions. So you're just making yourself sound retarded."

Lance let some girl talk him into bleaching his hair recently. She did a crappy job and it went a weird yellow color. He now looks like an evil German version of himself.

Best Lance quote:
"I've got all the steeze this house needs guys."

Nick still doesn't live with us but he is over at our house 6 nights a week. That's literally the most interesting thing about him... except that he's short and we tease him for it.

Best Nick quote:
"I'm not is sure is my argument is you is is yours?"

Andrea still hasn't called. Which is causing me measurable amounts of stress. I caught myself looking through my phone for pictures of us together. I only have one! Which really bums me out. Especially because in it she is making one of those faces where you fill your cheeks with air and make your chin disappear so it looks like you have 37 necks. It's hard to say, "Look at this pic, this is the girl I let go." Without someone responding with something like, "Are you sure that isn't a picture of you with your arm around Stephen Hawking?" I'm calling Andrea if she doesn't call me soon. At least that's what I think today. Tomorrow... I might change my mind.

Best Andrea quote:
"I always thought it said, 'Buy this shalmano' like shalmano was a word I'd learn when I was older... 'By this shall men know?' duh Andrea!"

Claire actually called me to apologize for Monday. She said that Adam called her after she invited me and begged her to take him back. She admitted that she didn't know what to do but tried to make it a group thing. She exclaimed how embarrassed she was. She also told me how embarrassed Adam was, to which I told her that he was a tool and that she could do way better. She went on to say how glad she was that I was there. That that somehow made it easier for her to hook up with the geezer right in front of me. I'm pretty bitter still, so she can suck it.

Best Claire quote:
"Jake, you've got moxie and that's really attractive."

Shaleese has agreed to go out with me this coming weekend. I was suddenly empowered after I found one of Wendy's red hairs somehow wrapped around the strap of my flip flop. I'm pretty excited for our date. I just hope she wears some pink, because if not that will ruin all of my material for the evening. I definitely need to move on because I'm not liking the way I am portraying myself on this blog. I'm really kind of a wiener... I should make myself sound way cooler than I actually am since no one knows who I am.

Best Shaleese quote: "I can think of at least 6 places I'd rather be than on a date Saturday night... buuut, there's no way any of those are happening so, yes."

Best Calvin quote: "If you knew for a fact, right now, that in 5 years she would be fat, would you stop dating her?"

Best Jake quote: "Dude... you look like an evil German version of yourself, I keep expecting Indiana Jones to come around the corner."

Jake

21 comments:

Crystal said...

An evil German version of himself? Hilarious. lol

Good luck on the date.

marthamaeloves said...

0 Comments? haha ohh poor baby.
Well Shaleese' quote is for sure the best! I wish I was that witty.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

He doesn't look Russian?

Cause if he looks Russian, you could sic Rocky Balboa on him

Molly McAllister said...

Did you copy my favorite quote of the day thing? nice.

Anonymous said...

I think you guys need to think about how you use the word gay - it is obviously always used in a mocking way and if you were to try to explain what you really meant when you call someone gay (ie. stupid, dorky, girly, whatever), you would understand why it is so offensive to people. Replace the word gay with black and I think you'll get what I mean.

Anonymous said...

Jake, you seem like the worst person in the world.

That is all.

Megan said...

Good job you have successfully been offensive to Gays, Quadrapalegics, Germans, Redheads, 10 year olds, 30 year olds, Midgets, Fat people, and Mormons.

Jenny said...

I am crying with laughter.

Oh Jake ur my fave!

bad dog said...

One day your testicals will drop and you will realize how immature you are.

Blazzer said...

Though my thought will mostly be easier said than done.

Never talk to Claire again.

Do NOT call Andrea. For that matter, don't answer if she actually calls you... even though her lifelong misunderstanding to the words of the hymn "Love one another" is really cute.

I had to google "entrechat" and "Pagani Zonda" and "steeze" which makes me feel old and out of touch. Nice.

-Blazzer

d :D said...

Calvin is way better than you.

I'm not even going to read your posts anymore.

Ashley Eliza said...

i love that you guys proof read each others work.

oh and calvin, would you stop dating the fat girl? haha.
have a good weekend boys.

xoxo

marissa89 said...

so, I've never commented on these blogs before, but now I feel it is necessary. What is up with all the haters? Seriously? Are we all 5 years old or something? If you don't like what you read, then don't read it. Simple :)

pummelhead said...

So where did the Idea of quoting people come from?
Am I not the only one who devotes posts to quotes people have said?

ginger said...

You hate on redheads? I must have missed that one.

Anyway, Jake you've inspired me to do a quote blog some time this month. Trying to blog everyday for 30 days isn't easy!

And I'm totally with you about Gabe. Being stared at in the middle of the night in your G's is a small price to pay for someone that helps pay the mortgage. Calvin will get used to it.

Your sacrament prayer guy reminded me of the geek in my last word that had the sexiest voice. When he would stand up after saying the prayer everyone would be looking over to see who had that amazing voice and up would stand this zitty, homeschooled kid....hahaha!

The Lady Girl said...

It's really lame when you decide what your own best quote is. It's almost as bad as making up your own nick name and then saying that people call you that all the time.

Confessions from a Mormon Maxi-Pad said...

Thanks for the updates...it read like a soap and I ate bon-bons while reading.

Single Ladies said...

totally digging Lance's blonde hair. nummy! jk Jake you've always been my favorite. so blunt. so bold.
hugs & kisses.
-Lauren

Amy said...

Wahoo! Glad you got up your moxie and asked Shaleese out.

I'm w/ Blazzer. Don't call Andrea. I mean really what good would that do? Closure is highly over rated.

I almost googled "entrechat", but I was too lazy. Next time link it for us geezers. ;o)

Oh yeah, and a census guy came by my BiL's house when we were over there the other day. I couldn't help but yell from the other room, "ARE YOU JAKE!?" Ha. I crack myself up.

p.s. no matter what those "others" say this was a funny post. kthanksbye

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that I love the way you use the word gay. There's no better word that can truley define what you are trying say. If someone gets upset about it, guess what, they are probably gay too

Brit O'Connor said...

Todd Herzog doesn't even live in Utah...he's been in Florida for months...sooooo- lie.