Thursday, May 6, 2010

Emotional Enema

I'm pretty sure I've done irreparable damage to my relationship with Kristen. I didn't do it on purpose. It just kind of happened. I've been trying my best to figure out how to tell this story. For our regular readers, it might seem odd that we think certain topics are "off-limits", but we do. There are some things we know are crossing the line, so we don't talk about them. I could give you a list of topics we've avoided, but then we wouldn't be avoiding them, would we?

When I began this post, I was tempted to just say, "Well, things didn't work out with Kristen" and leave it at that, but that wouldn't be fair to you guys. A lot of you appear to be as involved in this situation as I am and I want to make sure you're aware of the mistakes I made... even if the only reason is so you can avoid similar mistakes in your own life down the road.

That said, however, I feel like we have enough spiritually sensitive readers that I don't have a choice but to be slightly vague and purposely unclear. I hope that the majority of you are mature and experienced enough to comprehend the details I choose to allude to. Bottom line: If you don't "get it", then you probably shouldn't "get it". Nuff said.

(Additional Note: I have typed the subsequent paragraph three times and it continues to come across as much too vulgar no matter how obscure I try to be. I've decided to tell a parallel story in hopes you'll be able to read between the lines. Maybe I shouldn't care as much as I do... but I honestly don't want to put anyone off. Let's proceed.)

Dr. Pepper burns my throat, but I think it tastes so delicious. Last time I saw Kristen, we both drank a whole bunch of Dr. Pepper and we both really really enjoyed it, but by the end of our date, my throat was red and inflamed due to all of my Dr. Pepper consumption.

Kristen has been calling me a lot and I'm pretty sure she has several liters of Dr. Pepper she wants to bring over to my house to share with me. But since my throat has been hurting so badly, I decided to not let her come over. I don't want her to know that Dr. Pepper hurts my throat, cause that just makes me sound stupid.

Yesterday afternoon I noticed my throat was all better. I was really glad because I hadn't been able to drink any Dr. Pepper... or any carbonated beverage for so long and I was getting pretty thirsty for that sort of liquid. I thought briefly about closing myself in my room and just chugging a 20 oz'er as fast as I could, but then I remembered that Kristen had been trying to share her Dr. Pepper for the last nine days. I didn't want to quench my thirst with my own soda and then not be thirsty when Kristen came over to share.

I called Kristen and apologized for being so distracted lately and I asked her if she was interested in coming over to my house to hang out for a little while. Kristen was very receptive to my suggestion. Just as I expected, when Kristen arrived at my house last night she had brought over a couple of one-liter bottles of Dr. Pepper. I said, "Is one of those for me?" Kristen handed me one of the bottles and smiled.

Then I noticed Kristen was pulling something else out of the plastic bag. It was two Dr. Pepper glasses and a bag of ice. Kristen appeared to be ready for a whole evening of drinking Dr. Pepper. Before I had a chance to thank Kristen for being so generous, I noticed my Dr. Pepper bottle was empty. Apparently, while Kristen was getting the glasses and ice out of her bag, I had inadvertently drank my entire liter without even realizing it. I drank it so quickly that my throat didn't even have a chance to burn. I noticed Kristen's gaze drifting toward my empty bottle. I stood up quickly and hid the bottle behind my back so she couldn't see it. Kristen was just barely getting ready to crack open her own Dr. Pepper and here I was... already done with my own.

I didn't know what to do. Kristen was really confused. She looked at me and asked, "Are you ok? Is everything all right?" I didn't know what to say. I felt stupid for being so impatient. I thought about explaining what happened... telling her that I should have waited... or at least tried to wait for her to get comfortable. But I didn't. I lied. Again.

"I don't think this is a good idea." Kristen looked like she wanted to say something. Instead of just telling Kristen about my empty bottle, I told her that we shouldn't be drinking Dr. Pepper because it has caffeine. I'm sure I sounded like a complete moron. She was very aware of every other time I'd consumed caffeinated beverages. But she didn't say anything. She agreed with me... because technically I was right. Then she left.

Do I like Kristen? Yes, I do. But I don't like her enough to tell her about my premature ingestion of our favorite carbonated drink. I felt stupid and I inadvertently made Kristen feel stupid, too.

So there you have it. Bridge successfully burned.

Calvin

69 comments:

New Reader said...

omg, just be mature about it and TALK about it. Talking is pretty awkward but it is the best way to handle the situation. You can still repair the damage, if you tell the WHOLE story. If you think you can handle "drinking Dr. Pepper" then you should be able to handle talking about drinking Dr. Pepper. Especially if it's with 2 extra bottles and a bag of ice.... Not really sure where that was going, but I assume that it is more intense than your usual Dr. Pepper consumption.

sara said...

oh, calvin.

i don't know what to say more than that..

oh, calvin calvin calvin :(

Crystal said...

To New Reader:

I think the extra Dr. Pepper and Ice was chapstick. Lots of tubes of chapstick.

Anonymous said...

So I'm guessing you got excited and released all the dr. pepper energy you had. which literally made you feel empty.

i like this story.

Crystal said...

I a laughing so hard right now I can't even breathe. Seriously....that analogy was the funniest thing I have read in a really long time. I knew I loved you for a reason.

But yeah...I'm sorry that happened....

Anonymous said...

I really don't think you've burned the bridge. As a female, I think I can safely say that girls like to drink Dr. Pepper as much as guys do... (except maybe diet :))

Obviously Kristen was there, knows the situation and wanted to drink Dr Pepper. You guys have been friends for long enough that I think if you just talk to her- maybe leave out details- and explain how you really feel....you can just take it back to square one. This situation shouldn't be a deal breaker.

Anonymous said...

or you can take it a different way and you got totally 'excited' before she even did anything.

hmmm

Bad Horse said...

Well if she still had plenty of Dr. Pepper, at least you know she likes the vigorous taste of carbonated drinks. Not such a bad thing if you ever get to a point to share your Dr. Pepper with her... (-;

Jade said...

Calvin Calvin Calvin..... why did you wimp out. Kristen would of understood, after all Dr. Pepper is hard to resist and all. So just talk to Kristen about it, she'll understand, really she will. The bridge is just in danger of being burned right now, the fire can still be stopped. So quit being a stupid brained cow pie and TALK TO HER AND TELL HER THE TRUTH! Don't just give up since you messed things up last night and took care of your Dr. Pepper craving before you could drink it together. So do as Jake didn't and Grab yourself by the balls and TALK TO HER!

Tacey, Mormon Skank? said...

you have an interesting and incredibly odd way of writing about this sort of thing. I can't decide if I love it or if it makes me want to punch you in the face just so you'll talk like a regular person again.

Nicole said...

We've taken anatomy, we've taken sex-ed, so tell it in a way that makes sense. I get the gist of what happened, but what the Dr.Pepper 'symbolized' changed about 3 times during the story.

Anonymous said...

Totally agree with Nichole - I am so lost with your messy analogy to really get exactly what happened - like, I get what basically happened but not enough detail to actually leave a sensible response...

Heather Guymon said...

Dr. Pepper is my FAVORITE!

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha. Um. WOW.

Autumn said...

Interesting. Calvin Calvin Calvin. What can I say? Good analogy. But uhm you need to say something to her... asap. And if you drank a little too much Dr. Pepper, I'm sorry, but it's done and over with. There's nothing you can do to change it. But talk to her about it all. don't lose a friendship over this.

Jayme said...

So if I assumed correctly then...

-burning throat= your previously cosmetically damaged water pistol.
- Drinking Dr. Pepper with Kristen= making out with Kristen.
-Drinking Dr. Pepper alone in your room, I have an idea, and I don't think it's making out, because I don't know how you can "drink Dr.Pepper" by yourself.
-The multiple bottles of Dr. Pepper= the number of hours you and Kristen would of spent making out.
-Your empty Dr. Pepper bottle= I don't know for sure what that was alluding to... apparently you had already found a way to satisfy yourself.
-The bag of ice= was Kristen way of saying that she knew you ended up in pain from last time so she brought some ice so you could ice your water pistol.... just kidding, I really don't know what that was for.
-Cups and bag of ice= possibly some sort of thing to spice things up for the makeout, to provide different sensations for pleasure.

I did think the Dr. Pepper analogy was funny, but Calvin please just put up another post with the real story the no matter how graphic it is. :)

Missy said...

LMAO! Bridge not burned! Just sore!

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

Ok, knowing what I do about Dr. Pepper, you should've been more clear in your analogy. In one way I could see where "Jayme" would be right.

Also, being a guy, considering the hype, and considering the types of things you've found fitting to talk about before, I have a completely different translation of what went down...

Claire said...

I got lost halfway through that analogy.

What else... Oh. I think you are a moron.

Claire said...
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Claire said...
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treegirl said...

MAHAHAHAHAHA!!Despite what you may be thinking this is one of the funniest stories I think I have heard in awhile!!!

Bridges burn only if you let them. So if you have decided that its not worth saving than its not worth saving. But if you think there is a possibility even the tiniest you need to put that fire out and build it somewhere else

bd said...

I've already told you why masturbation is is dangerous (from a purely physiological perspective). I guess now I have to tell you that dry humping is at least as dangerous for the same reasons... not to mention the religious implications.

You should be dealing with this like a grown up, not using it for entertainment value. This sort of post makes lonely girls think that the only way to get a boyfriend is to let him rub his penis on their zipper. Congratulations for contributing to the moral decline of the world!

Reuben said...

usually you can just wait about 20 minutes, change your underwear, and you'll be ready for more Dr. Pepper.

Anonymous said...

Try Pop-Rocks next time, just make sure not to put them directly into the Dr. Pepper or it will explode.

In all seriousness, this happened to me once. She was a nurse so she knew exactly what was going on when I attempted to talk about it. Needless to say, I ran and never looked back. She got married 6 months later. I'm still single.

Do I regret it? Not really, she thought it was funny, probably the reason I was so emberrassed and ran.

WilWheaton said...

What I'd like to know is, what were the "glasses" and the "ice"?

That's probably the only part that was unclear to me. But then again, why the analogous writing? We're well aware of all the times you've hooked up with a girl and had a horizontal make-out or more.

Anonymous said...

Bd, you're a brainwashed idiot.

"Moral decline of the world"
...are you kidding me?!?

I'm positive his penis has nothing to do with ANY decline of anything, anywhere.

I hate to tell you but people have pre marital sex every damn day and it's none of your business. You really shouldn't let the sexual habits of others influence your life. Seriously, lighten up.

No ones going to die from a little self loving.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I went through this while we were dating and ended the night the same way you did... and he never told me what had happened until we'd been engaged a while. No worries about telling her the honest truth, but the bridge isn't burned unless you start acting like it is.

I hate men because of you... said...

...so, let me see if I have this right?

Calvin rubbed himself so raw dry-humping with Kristen on the tramp that he avoided seeing her for days. Then when he was healed, he was going to masturbate but decided that he'd much rather pleasure himself on the inside of his pants up against Kristen. What he didn't plan on was that it had been a while since he masturbated because of his injury so when Kristen got there he finished after the first push. But instead of admitting to Kristen that he had gone prematurely he blamed religion (again) and pushed her away... of course, after he got his. Is that about it?

You are an animal Calvin. Mormon or not you are a terrible person. Where is the penance? The remorse? The religion? I will no longer follow what is turning out to be filth.

Joan said...

This blog is spinning down hill so fast. What happened to the "Mormon" part of the blog.

You are making a mockery of everything sacred every chance you get.

Dry Humping, Pushing, Levi Loving, and Masturbating forbidden in the Mormon Church. You know that. Or have you missed Priesthood Conference for the last 10 years?

Maggles said...

Haha @ Reuben. :)

Those of you calling this blog filth...really? It qualifies as FILTH?! Maybe I don't understand that because I'm not Mormon. I don't mean that derogatorily, either. Mormons just seem more pious than the rest of us, and kudos for that.

Anyway, Calvin, just talk to her about it. Don't be a pansy.

Matt said...

Personally, I find it cute that you're so embarrassed about this.

It's very sweet. Now stutter, blush, and talk to her about it.

{The Huffakers} said...

For those girls who get mad at guys for "drinking Dr. Pepper alone" you need a reality check. I don't know any guys who don't "drink alone", married or not. I don't particularly like it either, but I don't understand it. Therefore, I can't get mad at it... at least I try not to. It was pretty shad of you to blame everything on religion and making her feel like it was her fault. Man up and tell her you're a one pump chump and she'll understand... eventually.

Anonymous said...

k being on the girl end of this happening... it sucks just being like "uh i think i know what just happened to you dude, but your just not telling me what happened so i'm just going to assume the worst" k this has happened to me when guys have told me and when guys haven't... i would rather have him tell me. i mean its embarrassing either way and it sucks either way but its better to know the truth behind why all the sudden he is done.

Anonymous said...

k being on the girl end of this happening... it sucks just being like "uh i think i know what just happened to you dude, but your just not telling me what happened so i'm just going to assume the worst" k this has happened to me when guys have told me and when guys haven't... i would rather have him tell me. i mean its embarrassing either way and it sucks either way but its better to know the truth behind why all the sudden he is done.

Anonymous said...

I have a feeling she knew exactly what happened. Then when you pushed her away she had to have felt used. You pulling the "I don't think this is a good idea" AFTER you "finished" was a good way to reinforce the idea that you used her. If you would just tell her the truth she would understand, girls can be very understandig. You'd be suprised. You can't do something intense like that and just walk away. It's not right.

~*~Katie Jo~*~ said...

Can't. Catch. Breath.

Laughing. Too. Hard.

Awesome analogy, Calvin. Just awesome.

Betsy said...

I don't understand why so many people are so confused when the phrase "premature indigestion" was used.

I have no idea what the glasses and coke were (pillows and a blanket maybe?) but I get the important part of what happened, at least.

Grow a pair and learn how to use them! said...

Calvin...Calvin....Calvin.... whoa this was kinda intense. But dude if your just a one pump and your done kinda guy, just talk to her and tell her. Girls aren't completely oblivious to knowing what happens with you guys. Especially Kristen with how much you guys talk about the things you use to talk about. You should of just manned up and fessed up, you decided to do what you did and you didn't perform well apparently. So quit this "this isn't a good idea" bull, you did what you did and what happened happened and you got embarrassed over it. Man up, and next time if it's a one pump and your done, at least have the decency to finish her off a different way.... Jeeze!

Anonymous said...

K, I totally and completely agree with Joan. I do however, think your blog is for the most part hilarious. Maybe it's time to take the Mormon part out of the title since you're looking like a pretty big hypocrite.
-B

CK said...

Having been in this kind of situation before, I think it's a lot more awkward when the guy doesn't tell me what just happened. I'd rather know ... and especially because it seems like you and Kristen are already good friends. I'm sure it's got to be hard to just tell a girl that things happened too soon but if you like her at all, it's probably a good idea to just talk to her ... or at least tell her the next time. Good luck!

Tara said...

What's so hilarious is that you are talking about dry humping right???

Not sex. Not oral sex. Dry Humping.

It's not one pump and you're done... it's one clothed rub/grind/push.

Hahahahahahaha.

Did the glasses represent like, a nice soft pair of sweats?

OMG, funniest, best, post, yet. No, ever!

Karli said...

LMAO. Oh poor Calvin. You should've just told her, I'm sure she would've understood! :(

Lexi said...

Ok so I've been with several guys where, he "prematurely ingested the Dr.Pepper." Calvin it happens, us girls know that. Every time it's happened to a guy I've been with he just told what happened, went and changed and we took a little rest and were fine to go at it again a little later. And then one other time the guy didn't tell me till after we had finished, and then he went and cleaned up. So either way just talk to her about it, don't make her feel like she's a horrible horrible person for what happened, cuz with how you ended things you may feel embarrassed, but she's probably beating herself up over it worse than you are, girls are like that...

christina said...

nooo dont let the bridge be burned! just talk to her even though you might be embarrassed

Anonymous said...

I once had a really eye opening conversation about the law of chastity with one of my bishopric leaders. I had never really understood a lot of things people said- I guess I understood them but I didn't really feel them. Like, I didn't respect the person less after some light petting and I didn't feel like a bad person or like I had lost anything. Anyhow we were kind of talking about this and he explained to me in a really straightforward way how the law of chastity is a way of proving your fidelity, or your future discipline for fidelity, to yourself and your spouse. And that has really mattered for me and changed the way I behave and has definitely changed the way I want my 'future spouse' to act.
Anyhow.
I was reading another Mormon blog and the writer was talking about how they started blogging after a general authority or apostle (I can't remember which) said the internet could be such a source for amazing good and/or missionary work. I think that is true and I'm going to focus more on that aspect of Mormon blogging and leave your Mormon blog alone. Not because I doubt you're good people or church members, just because I want my thoughts and actions to be something different than what your stories leave lingering in my mind.

S said...

The things you understand after hanging out with guys for six months.

Anonymous said...

Calvin, don’t let all the people calling you a hypocrite get you down. I’m not Mormon, but I am a Christian, and from what I’ve read of your blog, we have the same sexual morals. That’s one of the reasons I love reading your blog. Yes, you are Mormon, but you are also human. It’s incredibly difficult to be a celibate, yet sexy person in this hyper-sexualized culture. You’re dealing with it. So you got a little excited. So what? You didn’t have sex with the girl, so I think that you haven’t done anything wrong morally. However, you do need to tell Kristen what happened. She’ll understand and will probably respect you even more for being honest with you. She’s probably feeling very hurt and rejected right now. Fix that.

whitney said...

.....I will never think of Dr Pepper the same way again.

Nikki said...

I don't get it. I am serious. The soda analagy doesn't work, but let me opine anyway because I love talking about masturbation. First of all if you are going to jack-off before your date aka make-out chick shows up, then shame on you, you selfish bastard. Second, if you took care of your uncontrollable excitement before she showed up, why not make out without hard on trouble? Did you need a nap or do you chub up at random moments regardless of your biological release? Time to gain control of your little man before he takes control of you C. I still think taking care of business before hand, haha nice pun, is evidence of a total dick-ass in bed. Steer clear of Calvin ladies. Guys that satisfy number one are unsatisfying. Love ya kid, but I don't really care about your blue balls, especially when you wasted a good boner on righty or lefty. Yea I said it. Now go eat some lunch and make sure to wash your hands first.

Oh my.... said...

No way! Seriously?? Your gonna let THAT end this relationship? You are such good friends with her and that is what is gonna end it for you?? She sounds like such a great girl! Is she not worth it to you to tell her the truth? Does she not deserve that? Don't you think you owe it to her to at least be honest? You're killing me here! We all gotta grow up sometime, at least a little!

Anonymous said...

I seriously have no clue as to how you are ever going to get married. You won't date girls that don't turn you on/maybe just go a bit too far with you, but you find this girl who turns you on a ton and you can't control yourself enough to really date her? Totally ridiculous. School your emotions, dude, or else you'll never get anyone worthwhile.

brooke said...

bridge not burned...use your words and talk to her. simple

ethan_marston said...

I'm trying to cling to any hope that this isn't about what I think it's about, but for every comment I read that's proving me wrong, another finger loses it's grip on the belief that you abide by the law of chastity.


And before anyone argues that he kept the law of chastity since he didn't have sex, I need only point to Matthew 5:28.

ethan_marston said...

(If nobody could follow my logic on that one, it was something like "If it's bad to lust, it's definitely bad to dry hump." Of course it's not as dire as adultery, but you can't say it's harmless.)

Erin said...

concurred with ethan. i'm not getting a good vibe from this post, whatever it is that you did.

liz said...

I'm not going to analyze what that ment..pretty sure masturbation was in their somewhere.

Please, get back on track. How about you try and commit to 1 month of nothing more then door stop hugs and kisses (no frenching, horizentalness, matrubation ect,)

ginger said...

Why, oh why do you have to be anonymous?! Since we are speaking in metaphors....I so want to be the oreo center in between a Jake and Calvin cookie. Love, love, love the Dr. Pepper analogy. I'm from the south, I have to have nuts in my Dr. Pepper....I'm just sayin'. I am still laughing.

Anonymous said...

The sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World”).


Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife. God has commanded that sexual intimacy be reserved for marriage.

When you obey God’s commandment to be sexually pure, you prepare yourself to make and keep sacred covenants in the temple. You prepare yourself to build a strong marriage and to bring children into the world as part of a loving family. You protect yourself from the emotional damage that always comes from sharing physical intimacies with someone outside of marriage.

Do not have any sexual relations before marriage, and be completely faithful to your spouse after marriage. Satan may tempt you to rationalize that sexual intimacy before marriage is acceptable when two people are in love. That is not true. In God’s sight, sexual sins are extremely serious because they defile the power God has given us to create life. The prophet Alma taught that sexual sins are more serious than any other sins except murder or denying the Holy Ghost (see Alma 39:5).

Before marriage, do not do anything to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage. Do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not allow anyone to do that with you. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body.

In cultures where dating or courting is acceptable, always treat your date with respect, never as an object to be used for your lustful desires. Stay in areas of safety where you can easily control your physical feelings. Do not participate in talk or activities that arouse sexual feelings.

I just threw up in my mouth said...

at Nikki's comment. There is nothing more creepy than a lady older than most of our parents claiming that she loves talking about masturbation. We should call her 10 to 20 from now on.

Anonymous said...

oh my gosh just tell her what happened! That is so funny. Happened to me and I thought it was funny when he told me! do it.

Liz said...

WHAT you don't think she realized it...

ha ha... what a stupid cover up. Ha ha. Sorry... but you realize it's the truth....

i get it said...

you have succeeded at being vague, unclear...

and vulgar...

not to mention an a-hole.

i feel sorry for your future wife. especially on your wedding night if all you care about is satisfying yourself.

girls are not as stupid as you may think.

Anonymous said...

You know, this happened to me one time. My boyfriend was a really good boy (and I'm a really good girl). He was super, super embarrassed, of course, but it was just one of those things. It really was good that a) we talked about it, and b) we were able to reevaluate how we spent our time together. Heck, Kristen may even be flattered...

alanna said...

calvin!! you poor guy! don't worry, she understands...y'all are MORMON, i think she gets that your dr. pepper receptors are hyper-sensitive! if anything she may not have actually *Actually* realized what happened and may in fact feel rejected or unattractive. *OR* she may know what happened and be flattered...after all, everyone wants you to like their dr. pepper, even if you liked it a little too much! you are so cute though, this was the best euphemistic post ever!

Wonder said...

I don't care if most the people reading this blog think this is all okay. But from what I can gather, you are a returned missionary active member of the LDS church. Since when is this type of thing okay for a temple-recommend holding LDS member? This kind of thing is what you see the bishop for. Don't feel bad about burning the bridge, feel bad about ever having crossed that bridge. Repent, bro. Fix it now.

Anonymous said...

Wow... I love the people that have ordained themselves Calvin's Sunday School teachers and are teaching for the strength of the youth and calling him to repentance... Actually it's pretty "freaking" (sensored so my bishop doesn't get a phone call by those of you "ordained SS teachers") annoying. First off all, the blog is funny (and I'm sure some of the stories are embellished... If not, I wish I lived there cause it would be hilarious) and I'm still not sure how much of the blog to take 100% seriously. Second of all, half of you finger pointing hypocrites should probably be doing some self evaluation rather than telling Calvin what he did wrong. Put down the prozac for a second and take the blog for what it is... And make sure you're living your life how YOU should be...

Amy said...

NOW I WANT DR. PEPPER!! ugh. You had to pick the only caffinated drink that I enjoy and stay away from because I get addicted to it didn't you? *mumble grumble* ;)

Laura said...

Believe it or not, unbeknownst to most utahans who are left in the bubble, most guys do it at least once in their life. I have several friends who have this problem. Just because you sin, and you're mormon doesn't mean you're a hypocrite. Everyone makes mistakes, *I've* made mistakes, haha.. you have too.. you want all your friends coming to you to tell you that you're a hypocritical mormon because you gossipped? Or watched a movie with Sex in it?

People are so judgemental. If you don't like it, don't read it, but all you so called "good mormons" who went off on Calvin, you stood on your own soapbox, and with a seriously un christlike attitude, struck him down and cast the first stones. How hypocritical is that?!

Dear Calvin. Girls are alot smarter than you give them credit for, and alot more forgiving. Your bridge isn't burned... especially if you blame it on embarrassment.

Hiding because of it will burn the bridge. and make the construction company blow up too. Good luck.

Laura