Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Weak Things Made Wussy

When I'd been on my mission for about 12 months, I was transferred to a new area to serve with Elder Kristensen from Denmark. The guy was hilarious. Not on purpose, really, but he was a very entertaining missionary. We lived with two other missionaries in the same apartment. Elder Carr and Elder Bundt. They were like caricatures of missionaries. One of them was, like, eight feet tall and skinny and the other one was five feet tall and a perfect sphere.

I'd been in the area for two days and we were just coming home from a tea appointment. We got off the bus and started walking toward our flat which was about a quarter mile away. Elder Kristensen and I were about 20 yards in front of the other Elders. I noticed someone walking toward us. He was a younger guy around our age. Kristensen mumbled to me in his broken English, "Car-ful of this guys. We've seen him before and he'd a liddle dodgy."

The guy walks up to Kristensen and me. We stop walking and this guy reaches up and puts one hand on each of our heads. Then he starts applying pressure trying to force our heads into each other. Not too aggressive, but it was obvious what he was trying to do. I could smell alcohol on his breath. He let go of our heads and gritted his teeth. He looked at me and said, "What are you doing here? Are you from America, as well?" I said, "Yeah. I came over here to talk to people about our church." He stepped back a half step, looked me up and down and said, "I don't think I like you." Kristensen said, "He's a good guy, mon." The guy stepped up to me, reached out and took my super cool and spiritually lucky pen out of my breast pocket. Then he put my pen in his back pocket. "Do you want your pen, mate?" I didn't say anything. Then he followed it up with, "Come and get it."

I knew that he'd been drinking and I figured he probably would have been a decent guy had he been sober. Then I heard some unplanned words coming out of my mouth, "How much have you been drinking?" I felt his fist crash into my right temple. It knocked me backward into the street. My ear was ringing. What in the crap was I looking at while he was cocking his arm back? How did I miss his fist hurtling toward my head? I looked up and noticed Carr and Bundt approaching this stranger ever so slowly from behind. My first thought was, "Awesome! Four-on-one!" I slipped the right strap from my backpack off of my shoulder. Then I noticed Carr and Bundt had walked passed this bad guy and were walking along without a care in the world. Kristensen was standing next to the guy trying to talk him down as best he could. "Easy, mon. He's like me." Then the guy started screaming. He looked toward the other two elders then back at me, totally ignoring Kristensen. "Take off your bag! Go ahead! I'll take all four of you! LET'S GO!"

I was baffled for a couple of reasons. First... why was this guy so willing to pick a fight with four people? It didn't make any sense. Second... why weren't Carr and Bundt doing anything about it? I remembered the counsel we'd received in the MTC. We were told to avoid any and all physical confrontation. The church did not want to be involved in a news story with the headline "Four Mormon Missionaries Mop Pavement With Drunkards Face".

I slowly slipped the strap back onto my shoulder and walked swiftly toward my roommates until I was only a few feet behind Carr and Bundt. Kristensen and the bad guy were about five yards behind me. I heard the evil, evil man say to Kristensen, "You're alright..." I glanced over my shoulder hoping he'd had a change of heart and was talking to me. I made eye contact with him as he pointed at me and said to Kristensen, "...but I want a piece of your mate there." I looked forward again and whispered to Carr and Bundt as loudly as I was comfortable with, "What are you guys doing? There are four of us!" Carr cranked his head to the side and said, "Get in front of us and walk as fast as you can." I crowded in between the two of them and walked as fast as I could... trying hard not to run... cause that would just be wussy.

I rounded a corner that went through a Church of Ireland graveyard which was our usual shortcut. After I walked a few hundred feet, I noticed the other three elders weren't behind me anymore. I walked back to the point that I'd split off from them. As I rounded the corner, I heard some commotion. Bundt had been backed into a tall, wall-like bush. The bad guy was swinging jabs, uppercuts, and roundhouse punches as fast as his drunk little fists would allow. Only about 10% of them were hitting their mark. Bundt was able to deflect most of them with his beefy arms and hands. Kristensen was standing next to the bad guy with his hand on his shoulder almost chanting, "Hey, mon. Relax. We don't want any trouble." Sorry Kristensen... hate to break it to you, but we're smack dab in the middle of trouble.

Just then a car screeched to a halt in the street. Three bald, mean looking guys, jumped out of the car with fists clenched. The bad guy called to them by name and told them to join in on the one person melee. One of the bald guys looked at Kristensen since he was the only person who appeared to be actively engaged in the altercation... with his hand on the guys shoulder. Kristensen said, "We're here for our church and we're just trying to walk home." It sounded almost like a white flag of surrender. Kinda like, "Well... NOW we're screwed. Oh well. I tried."

The guys glanced around at all four of the missionaries. They could tell by the desperate and helpless looks on our faces that we were somehow the victims. They grabbed their friend and said, "C'mon man. These guys are just trying to get home." They all jumped in the car and were gone. It was over.

We all stood there. Confused and relieved.

We all continued to walk home, laughing and joking. We talked about our feelings and reactions to what had just happened. I expressed some frustration that Carr and Bundt appeared to be fully prepared to let me fend for myself with the bad guy. Then we talked about what might have happened if we had fought back. That guy obviously knew his friends were coming to pick him up. They would have arrived to find four guys (in suits and ties) pounding on their friend and all hell would have broken loose. Seriously. By the look of that guy's friends, we'd have gotten our righteous butts kicked all over that conveniently placed graveyard.

So maybe the Spirit prompted us to not fight back, which, in turn saved us from an untimely demise. Atheists will say, "Or maybe you're just a foursome of total pansies." Maybe. But I like to think God had a hand in our actions that day. Our patience. The calm we felt as it was happening.

I learned a lot about myself that day. I also learned a lot about the Elders I was serving with and around. Kristensen and I joked about that fight for the whole two months we were together. I would say stuff like, "Hey, Kristensen. What if we round that corner and there's a bunch of kids waiting to throw rocks and empty bottles at us?" Kristensen's reply was always the same. He'd laugh and say, "Oh... I don't hope so. I don't hope so."



Anonymous said...

So... basically you have nothing going on girl wise, or bachelor wise and are placating us with stories from the mission?

Not even a relation of how it applies to you now, just a random story?

I mean, I guess I do not expect much when you are too cowardly to actually communicate with the female gender and let relationships dissipate on their own.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Anonymous: Very observant. Your investigative skills coupled with your ability to articulate excrement makes me think you should should star in the next episode of CSI.

Anonymous said...

With you as the perp? Gladly.

Anonymous said...

Or are you using this story to say that you are willing to face one girl, if four guys are with you, but that they are prepared and can easily beat you down to the ground?

That probably works. You're a girl and you're scared of your own gender.

Anonymous said...

A little defensive, aren't you MBP?

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Apparently I have a touch of SRB. My apologies.

Janae said...

What a jerk! I did get a laugh out of this though.

True Aggie Girl said...

Unlike Anonymous I liked this post. Although I can't figure out just why you posted it, it seemed completely random. Usually your there is a tie in to the life you are living now. Well, basically I posted this so you don't feel like your spiritual story sucks... because it doesn't.
Anonymous sucks though, just stating the obvious. Don't hide behind the fact that you choose to be anonymous. Fight like a man.

Nikki said...

I would comment but I must wait at least 3 hours to 3 days prior to the post being published as to not appear "creepy"....

Tara said...

Calvin I love this post. I like it when you guys branch out and talk about stuff other than dating.

It reminds me that you're real Mormons.

Should you listen to anonymous? I don't hope so.

Kristen said...

I agree with Tara... I'm pretty sure I'd like you guys a lot more if I met in real life, and it's because you'd talk about more than your truly depressing feelings about girls.
I really liked this post. Calvin is rapidly earning points :)

nothing better to do said...

Are you that desperate for comments that you keep commenting on your own post? I have a feeling you are really anonymous and you already know how I feel about tara (in case you forgot, I am pretty sure you are tara).

I agree with anonymous above, what does this story have to do with anything?

Anonymous said...

dude, duuuuuuuude, stop living in the past.

Va jay jay said...

Calvin just is trying to make us all feel that he is something he is not; an active faith priesthood holding member of the LDS Church.

liz said...

Dear Calvin and Jake,
How did you pick your secret code names ? Did you pick Calvin like the cartoon boy...or Jake like Twilight (maybe you were trying to make girl like you..subconsilcly.)

Freya said...

Dear Anonymous and Psuedonymous Commenters:

Go get your own blogs. I'm sure you're witty, entertaining, and would never be at a loss for a post that would make the whole world sing in perfect harmony.

In the meantime, stop being a troll here. This blog belongs to Calvin and Jake. They can post whatever blows their knickers up. You don't pay them; they don't owe you anything.

Calvin, as a Danish-American, I think the Jamaican flavor to your Danish counterpart's accent is inaccurate. But besides that, great post!

Rachel Nell said...

I love mission stories. I don't care whether or not it has anything to do with anything going on right now (even though I suspect you were alluding the hope that maybe there's a reason you're being a big chicken right now?), I liked the story.

Autumn said...

eh. Not bad.

X said...

Freya, frey freya, thanks for the compliment and I do have my own blog.

Why do you care that "the Jamaican flavor to their Danish counterpart is inaccurate" if it is their blog and they can post whatever blows their knickers up?

You must be new to this blog because I could tell you a lot of things that are inaccurate about it (but then they wouldn't post my comment).

You are a troll yourself for posting under a fake name with no blog or profile link (otherwise known as anonymous). So maybe you shouldn't be calling the kettle black.

Prick said...

Hater!!! Your back you big pussy. Making 12 comments under different anonymous names. Which is why I think you're Calvin, egging people on to give him more comments.

You always show up on his posts. You've gotten better at spacing out your comments since Tara pointed out that you made them all within three minutes of each other.

Tara and Calvin, this post sucks. Who cares about your mission. Snog some laurels already, huh?

Little Debi said...

I usually like reading your old mission stories but I don't really know what the point of this one was? Oh well. I'm glad you didn't die.

Confessions from a Mormon Maxi-Pad said...

Mission stories are awesome...I would like to hear about sisters and the snogging during PPI's.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Let's lay off Calvin here, well, if you are a girl you can do the opposite.

Anywho, let the guy tell his mission story. It is his blog after all.

hater said...

Prick!!! You're back with all of your pointless arguments.

I hate to break this to you, but there are a lot of different anonymous commenters (even though I am flattered that you are giving me all the credit for all the insults thrown around here).

I am pretty sure you are jake because he can be a prick. Plus I tried insulting you once when we were going back and forth and my comments were rejected. Why would jake or calvin care what I am saying about you unless you are one of them? Not to mention the fact that you used the wrong "your" and jake is a horrible speller with no one to proofread his comments.

Anonymous said...

maybe hater is "sam the nanti sarm" since they commented within 51 minutes of eachother.

maybe prick is "X" and "Freya" and he is just talking to himself.

Amy said...

Maybe maybe maybe...I liked this story, and I don't care, and I hope none of you stop because it/you is hilar.

p.s. still have major girl crush on Nikki.

p.p.s. "I want my pen up your...!"

Jade said...

Very very interesting, not a bad post though Calvin, though I was hoping for this story to tie into something, even though it didn't it's still a good read.

Freya said...

In response to "X":

Touche'. I actually posted under "Freya" because that is how the MBP boys know me. You can find me on Twitter at @_Freya. So there goes my troll status.

I'm not new to this blog at all, I just rarely comment because I have a different take on things than other people. I'm here to be entertained; I don't really care who Calvin and Jake are, how holy they are, how many girls they make out with, even if they are young and single.

I thought the "mon" thing was funny. But apparently that didn't translate. Oh, well.

My original point still stands: Calvin and Jake, you're awesome. Keep entertaining. Don't let the haters get to you.

And no, I am not, nor ever will be, known as "Prick".

10ashus said...

I find it rediculously hilarious that a simple mission story could have so many hater comments... hahaha :)
I enjoyed it though! Not as good as Jakes last post, but Calvin, you are growing on me.

Hatter said...

Anonymous 5:06 - I can be whoever you want me to be, including your mom!

Calvin, I want to be youre luvr.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Sorry Hatter. But if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Make it last forever. Friendship never ends.

Hatter said...

So... I have ta get with Jake first to become your luvr?

Are you implying you would go for a threesome?

tips for LDS talks said...

Um, don't use this story in any talks/lessons on listening to the spirit. But it's a good story about the importance of obedience and following the mission rules.

Anonymous said...

Liked this post and could care less if it was random...OR if it didn't tie into something.