Not Necessarily

I thought about Kristen a lot last week. I'm sure that's to be expected after our spontaneous vertical make-out session last weekend. A few people have commented on this here blog (and some of my real life acquaintances, as well) that maybe my sudden loss of interest in Mikaela had something to do with Kristen. I don't think that's true. I mean, I know this is Utah and I know that since Kristen and I have a long history of friendship that has recently blossomed into a physical relationship, of sorts, that a lot of people assume that this must be the beginning of my eternal companionship with Kristen... but I don't think that's what's happening here.

I've been so confused lately on what to do with Kristen. For about three days after our date last Friday, I was paranoid that our friendship had been ruined. Every time my phone rang and every time a text message came through, my insides knotted up. Not in excitement. It knotted in nervousness... like I was scared that it was gonna be Kristen wanting to "talk about it". But it never was.

By Tuesday night I started feeling relieved. I felt like enough time had passed that if one of us DID make contact, it wouldn't be awkward. I dunno if I'm explaining myself very well here. If she called me the day after our date, I'd have felt like Kristen thought something was happening between us... and that scared me. But by Wednesday night, my feelings had U-turned. I was wondering all kinds of things that only girls worry about. I wondered if she was mad that I hadn't called. I wondered if she felt stupid and was avoiding me. I wondered if she regretted kissing me. That thought kind of made my stomach hurt. I really didn't want her to regret it, cause I didn't regret it. I still wasn't sure if it was the best idea... but I definitely didn't regret it.

Thursday and Friday were pretty rough. I almost called her a couple of times, but didn't. If I hadn't talked to her for a couple of months before our date last Friday, why would I call her now? I decided I wanted things to stay as "normal" as possible, but the more I thought about it, the more I didn't like the idea. Kristen is such an amazing kisser. She laughs at all my jokes and she has the cutest laugh in the world. She's really funny. She has really tan, smooth, shapely legs. We hate all of the same people. We make fun of our hideous peers... cause they're ugly. Man. I dunno.

By the time yesterday rolled around, I still hadn't heard anything from Kristen. I noticed her status update on Facebook said that she was excited to see her mom and sisters last night. Well, her parents live about five houses away from my parents. I don't remember consciously deciding to "run into" her, but at some point yesterday afternoon I thought of a reason to go to my parents house. I think my subconscious plan was for Kristen to see my truck parked at my parents house, and think, "Hey, that's Calvin's truck. I should text him. Oh, heck. I'll just drop by and see if he wants to go for a walk. But first I'll go tanning." Well, it didn't work out that way. I ended up sitting at my parents house for two hours, periodically wandering into the front yard to make sure Kristen's car was still parked at her parents house.

Finally, at about nine o'clock, I wandered outside and noticed that her car was gone. I totally chickened out. And I totally wasted a Saturday night. And I still haven't talked to her since our date. I'm so effing confused.

Calvin