Friday, April 23, 2010

Ankle Push-ups

(on the other end of the phone I hear: "...pedicure on our toes, toes, trying on all our clothes, clothes, boys blowing up our phones, phones. Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs, pulling up to the parties, trying to get a little bit tipsy. Don't stop, make it pop, DJ, blow my speakers up! Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight. Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop----" The song was interrupted by an answer, but it played through my head throughout the conversation, so this post is best read with that song playing in the background.

APRIL: Hello?
JAKE: Um, hi is uh April there.
APRIL: This is April.
JAKE: Oh, nice. Hi. My name is Jake Peter Halifax.

I stole, or rather copied, the full name thing from Calvin. It is solid gold.

APRIL: (laughs) Hi Jake.
JAKE: Hopefully you remember me, my Aunt, your boss, set us up and we talked on the phone a few days ago.
APRIL: I--
JAKE: (cutting her off) and you agreed to go on a date...
APRIL: (laughs) Of course I--
JAKE: (interrupting again) ...tonight... With me.

I always like to pretend like I think that she would actually completely forget who I am. I find that most girls take this as funny and complimentary.

APRIL: (laughs) Oh my gosh, Jake! Of course I remember you. (laughs) How could I forget. Are you calling to cancel for tonight or something?
JAKE: No. NO. Heavens no. I was just sitting here doing some push ups and brushing my teeth and I realized that I have no idea where you live?
APRIL: Oh, the address is 765 South--
JAKE: (interrupts) Oh don't tell me now, I can't very well write down your address while doing push-ups, brushing my teeth and holding my phone.
APRIL: (extra laughter)

Her laughter was a little too much. The good thing about too much laughter is that either she really thinks I am that funny, or she likes me and is willing to help me feel funny when I am not.

JAKE: I know you women think everyone can multi-task like you can, but really, today, I've reached my limit.
APRIL: Oh right. Um... (laughs) I'd like to see how you're doing push-ups with both your hands holding something up to your face.
JAKE: Yeah, I'll show you sometime. But pretty much all of my bodies weight is being held up by my ankles, my toes are touching the floor and my ankles are pushing me up and down freeing up my arms for other important tasks. It's no big thing.
APRIL: (laughs) You must have strong ankles.
JAKE: So I was just calling to see how you wanted to handle me getting to your place. Would you prefer to just text me the address or would you rather give me a general area and then I can call you when I get close and you can guide me in?
APRIL: Oh I can just text you.
JAKE: Are you sure? Because, you know, guiding me in can create some serious bonding and build levels of trust.

I felt I was speaking in a sarcastic enough tone that this was obviously a joke. Even though I've been "guided in" before and it was a pretty nice icebreaker.

APRIL: (laughs) Oh my gosh, if you are being for real this is going to be the worst date ever. (laughs again) You're too funny.
JAKE: (laughs) Um alright then... I guess that means you'll just text me the address then?
APRIL: Oh my gosh, (laughs) Yeah, we can bond some more while we're on the date.
JAKE: Uh, yeah... good idea. Cool. Well, I'll pick you up at 7 then.
APRIL: Cool, see you in a couple hours.

I'm not sure at what point I started calling the girl "the day of" to confirm the date. I think I stole that move from Calvin, too. It always kind of sets the tone and gives me a glimpse into how easy making her laugh is going to be. I find I can't gather this kind of intel on the initial phone call because I'm too nervous and have a hard time being funny.

My aunt gave me her 4 season tickets to a play at Hale theater tonight, just so I could take out this girl she wants me to go out with. So Calvin is gonna bring Kristen or Mikela or Bonnie or something, and we're going to double. What's funny? While I was talking to April I could hear Calvin through the thin door to our room, "...This is Calvin, Calvin Lynn Marler."

You're probably wondering who this girl April is that I am going to take on a dinner/comedy show adventure tonight? Is she the same girl I went out with over the weekend? No, that girls name was Vanessa. She is just some girl that my aunt has been trying to set me up with for a while. I finally decided to go because Claire announced to me that her and Adam (the old wrinkly 30+ plus year old creeper) were dating. She wanted to tell me about their DTR at FHE this week. I cleverly avoided that confession though and decided I had better implement option C.

So, April seems just as good a candidate as anyone. She looks cute on Facebook... that gives her about a 60% chance of actually being cute. Hopefully it'll be fun. Hopefully she doesn't say, "Oh My Gosh." every 5 minutes. Hopefully she doesn't interrupt and ruin one of Calvin's jokes. Hopefully if she's boring the play is good.

And hopefully, either I can fill my crush spot with this new girl... or Claire and Adam the Geezer break up while I'm on this date and she realizes that her true feelings for me are the same as my true feelings for her... and Adam goes and finds someone to date who was at least born in the same decade as him.

Fine I admit it, I am going on a date tonight with April just to try and forget about/get over/stay out of the friend zone with/get back at, Claire.

Everyone's pathetic like this... right?

Jake

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

How did April become Vanessa at the end of that conversation???

Anonymous said...

Lame

megan said...

haha p.s you switched from April to Vanessa in the conversation there for a minute...

Liz said...

Right ;)

B R I T N E Y said...

Yeah... Just like everybody else, I'm going to comment and say that April turned into Vanessa at the end of the conversation...

But I'm also going to say YES, everyone is lame like that, but don't go in thinking that making Claire jealous is all it is. You might miss something important.

LittleMissBritt said...

Did you have Calvin proof-read this for you? The whole April turning into Vanessa and back thing just doesn't seem like something he would miss. ;] But, hey, I've been wrong before.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Geesh! Sorry for the error. Yes I accidentally change Aprils name to Vanessa, and yes I just changed thatbecause it was a mistake.

How am I to be expected to know a girls name by the second phonecall let alone her made up one I have to keep track of to keep her from knowing who she is and who I am.

Sorreeeeeey

-j

Maggles said...

I still like Jen best of all. She was your snarky equal. You need that to keep you grounded.

Jenni said...

Yeah, I'd have to say that's pretty pathetic. If you get into the habit of trying to get back at girls, you going to do the same thing to your wife, which will suck for both of you.

wry said...

yes, we're all that pathetic.
does that make you feel validated in implementing plan C?
if Claire is happy with old-wrinkle-face, then April is a good rebound... hypothetically speaking.

Vanessa said...

You're probably just thinking about someone named Vanessa. Because pretty much all Vanessa's are amazing. Except the Annoying one.

And I really like this post. It's just the right amount of information. I can't wait to see what happens next!

anna said...

i love it when one of the first commenters says "lame" and nothing more.

Anonymous said...

I am only commenting because I feel bad that hardly anyone comments anymore.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Don't feel bad for the comments. Our daily hits keep going up and our followers keep growing too. Comments don't mean crud.

You should feel bad that I'm already home from this date that I took all this time to blog about this afternoon. Just dropped her off after dinner.

Calvins still out.
Aaron, out.
Lance, out.
Nick... probably at his moms.

I guess there's always the Jazz.

-j

Trenton + Brooke said...

Sorry Ke$ha, but the party don't start 'til I walk in.

She's listening to Ke$ha... I already don't like her.

Anna said...

When I saw the title "Ankle Push-ups," I naturally thought about a push up bra for ankles and how you had found a new way to make fun of kankles (or cankles), but I definitely guessed wrong. I feel so bad for assuming the worst from you guys.

acoles@c.ringling.edu said...

Yikes! No play?! Guess she was a dud.

c a n d a c e said...

Hope the Jazz give you more action than April... yipes.

Kayla said...

why isnt anyone screaming THATS WHAT SHE SAID??

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

Can I just say that plays and movies are both THE WORST POSSIBLE FIRST DATE ACTIVITY?

A first date is a job interview, you have to get as much information out of them as possible while keeping them interested in coming back.

How can you get to know each other at an activity where talking is frowned upon?

Little tip from my playbook: Sporting events are ideal first dates. I personally prefer baseball games.

First because you can talk the entire 2-3 hours but if it doesn't work out you can just ignore her and cheer with the crowd.

Second, you're most likely putting her in a partially uncomfortable, alien environment, so you can see what she's like under pressure. Does she clam up? Does she become insanely talkative?

Annie Citrine said...

DUUUUUDE! I TOTALLY went on a date just like this. Not the same activity... but went on a date with this guy just to try and get over this other guy I've been crushing on. HA! It actually turned out pretty well... can't wait to hear how your night went!

P.S. Yes, that means I'm as pathetic as you. pshhh whatev.

Nikki said...

I actually clicked on the song link like an idiot and now I am going to the emergency room because my ears are bleeding from being raped and assaulted by such painstakingly shitty music. I've called a lawyer...oops I am one. consider yourself served.

Heather Guymon said...

This one time my husband pissed me off so I brought home a kitten because he despises cats. He couldn't say no because our daughter looooved the cat immediately and she has him whooped. BUT it back fired on me in the end; it was eeeevil and I wanted to drop kick that bastard feline back to hell from where it came.

Moral of the story: try not to take the "get back at" approach and more of the "she's unavailable and why should I wait around for her" approach.

Montierth Madness said...

Damn you Jake! Now I'm lusting after Ke$ha after watching that video.

WilWheaton said...

So you've got Calvin, who judges girls that ask him if he's been to a rave but you won't judge a girl who has "Tik Tok" as a ringback?

Missy said...

A lot of women look for stong ankles in a man. I know I always did, that and teeth. LOL

Crystal said...

Oh my gosh.


She sounds special.

And obviously she was since the date didn't last too long. Calvin has game, it's good that you can use it for your benefit. But use it on better girls in future.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back! This chick is just what you need to get over Claire and Captain Crinkles. Don't forget to take out Erica again soon.

Laura said...

She sounds really lame. Mostly because she was listening to Ke$ha. Lame. (Again.)

And she said "oh my gosh" too many times. And she didn't laugh at the idea of "guiding you in". Who could refrain from turning that into a "that's what she said" joke? (Not me.)

One last thing: who DID Calvin take out last night? And why did you get home so early? (You realized she was lame, yes?)

That's all.

brooke said...

the ringback tone alone tells me she should be out...1) ringback tones are the most ridiculous thing ever were...oh wait maybe that's just b/c i was born in the wrong (but the absolute best) decade...still though...2) and the most important is the only time kesha should be tolerated is when...um...actually i can't think of a time...so one strike and she's out!

Hayley Jo Reese said...

Hey if the play is Dirty Rotten Scoundrels still, it is pretty good! You'll like it, since you are kind of a dirty scoundrel, just sayin.

Amy said...

"LYNN"!!!!!! BAHAHAHAHA! (Sorry if that's C's real middle name...wait, no I'm not.)