Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Brigham The Cannibal

I've been debating for a couple of days if I should tell this story. I decided that since this entire tale stems from an honest mistake on my part, I could tell it without feeling guilty. I mean, everyone makes mistakes. Everyone forgets things. Everyone has forgotten to feed a goldfish and woken up to see their fish belly-up. It's a part of life, right?

So remember a while back, I purchased a pet mouse on a whim? Remember how I didn't just stop at buying one mouse, but I wanted to make it into a funny joke so I bought my male mouse, Brigham, three mouse wives he could enjoy? Well, if you remember the end of the story, then you recall the cage started to stink so I moved Brigham and his family out to the garage. Unfortunately, that's not where Brigham's story ends. That's where it begins.

See, I haven't thought about Brigham for several months. I'm not sure how or why. He just slipped my mind. Nobody really went out to the garage during the winter. So Brigham and his concubines have been on a table behind a Tombstone movie poster for the entire winter.

If somebody had asked me last week what would happen to four mice left unattended in a cage for four months, I probably would have said, "They'd die, of course, cause they wouldn't have any water." Well, I guess water isn't a requirement during the colder months. When I got home from work the other day, Jake was giddy with excitement. He said to me, "Calvin... you have to come see this." I followed Jake out to the garage. As we entered, Jake motioned to the table near the back of the garage with a huge smile on his face. At first, I wasn't sure what he was motioning to. Then I saw the cage. I still didn't think about Brigham until I saw the movement. The closest thing I can compare it to is that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones looks down into that pit and the guy with him says, "Why does the ground move?" Then Indy drops the torch down into the pit and sees the floor completely covered in snakes. He rolls onto his back, looks up at the sky and says, "Snakes! Why does it have to be snakes?"

That's what it looked like. Not snakes. I just mean the movement. The tank was about 1/3 of the way full of a black, white, tan, brown, and beige moving mass. Jake started laughing as I walked slowly toward the tank. There were at least 100 mice in the tank literally crawling all over each other. Some babies were scattered around, but most of them were adults. At least three to four inches at the bottom of the tank was mouse pee and poo. It was honestly the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life. I noticed a couple scraps of paper inside the tank. I asked, "What's that?" Jake replied, "I popped a bag of popcorn and dropped the whole bag in there about 5 minutes ago. That's all that's left." It was the craziest thing I've ever seen.

The best way to conclude this post is to answer the questions you're probably dying to ask right now. So here you go.

So how did the mice live for four months without food or water?

The only thing I can think is that they survived by eating the babies and maybe the mice that die from some other reason like getting trampled or starvation.

How can four mice turn into over 100 in just four months?

I asked the same question. Apparently mice are only pregnant for 20 days and have between 2 to 10 babies. They can then get impregnated in 24 hours. So, if each of the three females had a litter of 5 babies every 20 days, that would be 6 liters (or 30 mice) for each of the three females... totaling 90 mice in four months. But then you have to consider that each baby (that isn't devoured) will be able to reproduce at four weeks of age. I don't even know how many mice that makes, but it's a lot.

So wait, Calvin. Based on the numbers in your last answer, there should be, like, a thousand mice in that cage. It should be over-flowing with the little critters.

That's true. And even though that wasn't an actual question, I'll address it anyway. Like I said, the mice had to eat. I can only assume the vast majority of the babies never made it to adulthood cause they were getting eaten by the rest of the mice. I think they were probably half eaten by the time they exited their mother's womb. But that can't be confirmed.

So in closing, I'm not proud of the miserable existence these mice have suffered at the hands of their neglectful owner. I'll make sure the mice are able to live out their lives in the most pleasant of environments. Just as soon as I'm brave enough to lift up the cage.

Calvin

45 comments:

Crystal said...

I just have to say. Told ya so. And yes, mice need very little water to survive. And they eat their young even when they aren't hungry sometimes...so yeah...you had cannibal cactus mice.

Good job.

Paula said...

gross. Totally totally gross. How on earth are you going to get rid of the things?!

WilWheaton said...

I learned mice are cannibalistic the hard way.

When my sister and I were young(about 9 and 6 respectively) we always wanted pets. Well the two of us and our mom were very limited in the selection of pets so we each got a mouse. So one day we came home from school and for some reason my mouse had died. Upon closer inspection there was a hole in my mouse's side about half the length of his torso, inside that whole you could see... nothing. Apparently my mouse had died(or was murdered...) and my sisters mouse took the opportunity to eat and hollow him out.

Needless to say, that was the last batch of mice we ever got. That mental image is still surprisingly vivid.

Anonymous said...

You know how everyone always says they will stop reading your blog because you're just so darn irreverent and disrepectful to women?

Well, nasty cannibal mice stories are apparently my hard limit for blog reading! This story needed a warning label. Gross, gross, gross. I'll keep reading if you stick to stories about humans.

Melissa said...

I retched a little reading this. So gross.

Rachael said...

Quick, somebody call P.E.T.A!

CindyLou said...

ughhhh so gross :( I cringed while reading this. :( good luck getting rid of them, you couldn't pay me enough to lift that cage..or even go near it. sick yo.

Julie said...

Hahahaha...

I told you to get rid of those damn mice 4 months ago.

Anonymous1 said...

Ew. Pest Control. ASAP.

Or set them free on the streets. haha

Heather Lee said...

I feel bad for the mice, but I'm completely grossed out at the same time.

alanna said...

oh hilarious!!! only solution is to get a snake...obviously.

Jade said...

For some reason I remember making a comment back 4 months ago how you were going to end up with lots of mice babies. But that's besides the point.

What I think you should do to get rid of the mice though is just burn them all or something. Or you could put the tank in the back of your pickup and then have a thick rubber glove and have Jake drive your pickup with you in the back and then just toss them out along the road, so then you won't have a million mice in one spot. But I'm all for the burning them, or you could wait and find a big fire ant ant hill and go drop them one by one in the pile and watch them get eaten alive that's always a fun time.

But thanks for the post, even though it was kinda gross I really enjoyed it!

KatOfDiamonds said...

You already mentioned your solution in part.

Snake food.

You could Craigslist that shit and sell them to a near by snake breeder.

But keep four.

Gold mine.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

As a fellow guy, here is my advice:

Get a bigger cage and start feeding them. Don't tell any girls of this.

Are the original mice still alive?

But I say to definitely keep them. You never know when you will need a mouse.

Again, awesomeness.

Anonymous said...

I think a few mice died in the four months this went on...
And did you know you will be held accountable for every single one! Ha!
Aside from being held accountable as a mice killer, you're going to have to figure out how to get rid of them! Which I hope wont have anything to do with killing them. Because that's a lot of mice to be hald accountable for in heaven.

Great Mouse King said...

Anonymous 9:15: I hardly doubt a few hundred mice that died because of this will stop Calvin's eternal progression. Get a clue.

The Lady Girl said...

Disgusting! Calvin, I highly recommend that you get a vasectomy! I can only imagine that you'd leave a baby unattended, come back a year later and find 100 hundred more, somehow. Maybe this seems harsh, but you could sell the little critters to a pet store that needs snake food. Snakes need to eat too!

The Lady Girl said...

oh, someone already mentioned snake food. how original. I read the burning mice suggestion. Now that is harsh. Can you imagine all of that squealing and the smell??

alanna said...

hahahah i also have to add that this totally reinforces my "immature" comment in my post. you guys are too funny.

Anonymous said...

30 mice = 6 liters? That means 5 mice per liter...that's a big mouse...

Oh, you probably meant litter...

Gross

artsyesque said...

My 2 year old son says it best: "Disgustyucking!"

Joie said...

That's so disturbing... I had a hard time reading this because I was imagining the little mice and them eating each other in front of me. Ahhh!!!

And the suggestion of burning them or burying them alive... how cruel are you! Definitely sell them but you can't leave them like that now that you know this is how they are living even if they are mice. Come on, you've got to have some sympathy towards how they are living?

Ashley Lin said...

Take them to a pet store. And for heaven's sake, do not burn them! That is awful...

Lindsay said...

That's the grossest thing I've ever read. Sick.

once again disgusted! said...

I am pretty sure this mouse infestation is the only true story you have ever written on this blog (besides the exposed one, which had plenty of lies weaved in).

If you had a wife and kids, I wonder what they would think about this.

Kirsten said...

I would like to point out that you are in fact sitting on a gold mine here. See if you get a much bigger cage and try feeding them (I know, crazy talk!) then you will have a little side business here to fund your adventures with the ladies. What girl can't resist a self-made business man. My suggestion though is not to disclose all the gross details of your business, they might wonder about your fathering abilities.... I'm just saying....

scoutingchick said...

gah! that's so gross!!!

Ashley Eliza said...

ewww! put a few snakes in there and they will eat the mice.. just sayiN! gross gross gross! xoxo

Steven said...

Boil em', mash em', stick em' in a stew! Mice don't have feelings.

Angela said...

YUCK! I liked the suggestion to just burn them. Or drop them in the middle of the desert. OR snake food. But gross gross gross. I HATE mice.

Chad and Clair said...

Where do you come up with this stuff?! It's hilarious. Not really gross. Just funny. And I really don't care if this blog is fake or real, it's entertaining and that's all that matters.

whitney said...

............eww

Brad: Mormon SL,UT said...

oh... my... gosh... this is an excellent opportunity for the BEST practical joke of all times!!!!!!!!!!!!! Imagine that apartment complex full of these things! This could be epic...

Anonymous said...

Boa Constrictor.

Julie said...

This post actually made it to dinner time conversation.

Disturbing? Maybe... ummm just a little.

Allison said...

AHHH!!! OH MY GOODNESS. I don't want to be a shrieky female right here, but that is kind of gross. I like mice and all, but I'm feeling all prickly! :) I hope you can find some way to clean up....

Shell said...

If you already received this post from me, you certainly don't need to re-post it. Actually, you don't have to post it at all, as long as Jake gets the message (literally and figuratively):

Gross. And really, really sad. I hope you won't follow Jades advice and burn them - why on earth would you do that? - (or let them loose on the street - that's just dumb). Give them to a pet store or something.

But then again you have to take into consideration that while domesticated mice dont spread diseases... I'm not sure that applies to massive quantities of mice living in their own refuse and eating one another. There's a good possibility that they are rampant with disease - if so I suggest you find a HUMANE way to kill them - no matter how much it costs. I mean, it IS your fault after all; you should take responsibility.

But, maybe that's just me. Maybe you SHOULD listen to the all the morons who are telling you to torture them to death because they've overpopulated due to your neglect. Brilliant.

Anonymous said...

THIS may sound wierd, but I'd like to see a picture of that! Got any to share? :)

Anonymous said...

I am so glad that I know this blog is fake. I am really hoping this story is fake too....

brooke said...

WHAT the freak?!? yup...i did...i just threw up in my mouth a little...friggen foul dude...no joke.

Ashley Jane said...

ASKJDFKLASJFALSHJHWHAHAHAHAHAH!! After all that, when I read the part about the popcorn and it disappearing pretty much instantly it sent me over the edge l-ing o.l. Wow.

ginger said...

Absolutely disgusting, my skin is crawling right now while making a mental of that disgusting pile of vermon....blech. I'm glad you aren't my neighbor.

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ginger said...
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Rachel said...

Cruel and sick!