Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Judge Mikaela

You know how sometimes in a relationship there comes a point where you realize the particular person isn't who you thought they were? It can be a good thing occasionally, but most of the time it's a bad thing. Well, that happened with Mikaela. It really sucks, as well, because I feel like we've developed a really honest and loving relationship over the last few months. I know I've only talked to her four times, but I thought we had a connection. I mean, I don't know anything about her... other than she's hot and she works at Lens Crafters. But she's hot. I enjoy looking at hot women. It's like we were made for each other.

But all that changed today. I got to class a little bit early and the other class hadn't let out yet, so all of the students were hanging out in the hall waiting for the other class to end. I always hate situations like that cause I feel pressure to conversate with my peers. I don't really want to. What are we gonna talk about? The class? Glee? Homework? None of those things interest me. I thought about taking my iPhone earbuds out and putting them in my ears so it appeared as though I was jamming to my sweet tunes. Sometimes I even go so far as to move my lips ever so slightly so it looks like I'm singing along to a really awesome song, when in reality I'm eavesdropping on two or three different conversations.

Before I had a chance to get out my headphones I felt someone touch the back of my arm. It felt really good before I'd even turned around. (Looking back, I'm glad it wasn't a dude touching my arm or else I might have felt dirty) It was Mikaela... and she remembered my name. "Hey, Calvin." It was an awkward conversation... so for me it was pretty normal. I didn't have time to prepare at all for it and I felt like I was floundering. I was paying way too much attention to how I was standing. I was erect (as in 'vertical'), but leaning up against the wall on my right shoulder. I had on both of the straps on my backpack. I wondered if she thought that was weird. I glanced around quickly to see if other guys had on both of their shoulder straps. Every male in a 20 foot radius was either sitting down on the floor or holding their backpack in their hand.

I thought briefly about my mission. That was why I used both shoulder straps. With all the walking we had to do, it was definitely the most comfortable way to travel. Apparently I had subconsciously chosen to sacrifice "cool points" for comfort. Then I saw a kid come around the corner and I immediately noticed he was wearing both of his shoulder straps just like I was. I felt some of the tension leave my upper torso and I immediately felt better about my posture and my outward physical appearance. Then I noticed that the "two strap" kid had a tube coming out of his backpack emptying into his mouth. The kid was wearing one of those freakin' camel water pack thingies... walking around the Social Science building. I'd had an experience with all of the stairs previously, but a camel backpack? Really? I decided I didn't want to be anything like that kid.

As I was contemplating how I could subtly slide one of the shoulder straps off without looking too much like I was trying to be hip, I remembered that I was supposed to be engaged in flirtatious banter with Mikaela. I had been talking to her for a couple of minutes and I could barely remember what we'd been talking about. Then I heard her say, "You should totally come. Have you been to very many raves?" I kind of remembered her talking about going to a rave, but didn't think much about it because of my stupid obsession with my backpack straps.

"Um, no. I've never been to a rave? Are they fun?" Mikaela started telling me about how awesome they are, but I was thinking, "Rave? They still have raves? What year is this?" The only thing I know about raves is that people sell balloons full of dentist gas or something. And I'm pretty sure there are rock bands. Also, I've always thought raves were like one huge drugged up mosh pit. And I'm also pretty sure that people get hurt when they go to raves.

Instead of asking Mikaela if all of my preconceived notions were correct, I just silently judged her. I let her talk about how awesome raves were for a few minutes while I decided she wasn't Mormon and probably did drugs and slept with random guys while at her Happy Gas Rave Parties.

I don't like her anymore.

-Calvin

60 comments:

M-Cat said...

New Flash.....Mormon girls DO go to rav parties. Yes they still have them. Yes, the majority of attenders are high on something or another and likely sucking on binkies. And yes, even the mormon girls sleep with random guys, but don't tell their bishops.

Good choice Calvin. Move on.

Crystal said...

I have to agree...they still have raves? Man, I feel old. I never went to a single rave growing up...but I did wear those stupid binkies around my neck. What a freak.

So long Mikaela.

Brit O'Connor said...

Raves are disgusting. They remind me of ecstasy and flashing lights. And white trash people.

Stay away from her.

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

They definitely have raves!

Back when I was still living and working in Draper guys would come in at like 4:30 AM and ask "Dude, where are the glow sticks?" They'd always be totally bummed out when I told them we didn't have them. Way more bummed than anyone should ever be about not getting a glow stick.

scoutingchick said...

or she could be a fun, edgy mormon who likes crazy things like that instead of being a "good little molly mormon" who just sits at home and crochets...

Jenn said...

Hello? Mikaela? 1999 called. They want their rave back.

Oh, and leave Calvin alone. He doesn't like you because you just made yourself sound like some two-bit, high on drugs slut.

No. Don't sulk here. Just go grab your stupid glow sticks and mesh shirt with a bra underneath and cry in the corner. WE are done with you.

I SAID GOOD DAY!

PS
For the record, I've never been to a rave, my description above was totally stereotypical. Sue me.

liz said...

Good Choice ! Look for a righteous Mormon girl who will support you and give you wonderful kids !

brooke said...

raves?!?! like total 1997 flash back to my high school days! but i am fairly certain any raves going down in utah would probably be pretty darn tame...and i am allowed to say that since not only was i born in moab so technically i am a ute myself...and my entire dad's side of the family lives scattered throughout the state so i spend my fair share of time there...can't see anything there getting to out of control...

Caryn said...

Our school is having a mini-rave... it is just to celebrate the time between reading days and exams... it's technically a flash rave/dance party. Since you weren't really listening to her maybe it was something like this?

Ashley Eliza said...

TEAM KRISTEN !!!

Cindy said...

I can't believe you used the word conversate. I only hear that word on reality tv. Conversate is not a word, it's converse.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Cindy: The English language changes every day.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/conversate

Did you know that a few years ago "ginormous" wasn't a word?

-c

Liz said...

eavesdropping... classic. I love listening to peoples convos but usually I'm the one there listening to... Not that I'm being vain....

I'm just really loud and my voice carries. ha ha

Anonymous said...

Well I was having a bad say, and now I am laughing my head off. Sucking on binkies? Really? ha ha ha. I remember when everyone would wear those plastic binky neclases in Jr. High.

If it was a flashing lights dance party, DONT CALL IT A RAVE! Call it a strobe light party. DuH!

anna said...

not so fast calvin. she might be FEELING YOU OUT to see if you're mormon.

hater said...

did poor little calvin get his feelings hurt so he's not posting my comments anymore? you are such a baby!

oh and conversate and ginormous are still not words, they are slang.

Kaylee said...

I rave, but not quite like how you discribed it... maybe they're different here in FL... I also made a t-shirt that says "rave-alicious"... I prob. should stop wearing it so boys wont stop dating me... thanks for your heads up

Datin'Kait said...

Judge not lest ye be judged...

PS-you're innuendo could've been a little more subtle.

Anonymous said...

You are sounding more and more like an insecure little weiner every day. Don't break character!

Calvin=Trash said...

Yes, Hater is back....aka the more exciting reason to read this blog. It is so hilarious that Calvin posted this fake story. The only reason he did is because in his last post, some girl commented and asked "what happened to Mikeala?" I guess he got his order of events mixed up and had to back track. Lame. Also, everyone is thinking this, but I will go ahead and say it..."Who the hell are you to judge anyone?" Raves are in my opinion ghetto and trashy, you would fit right in!

p.s. I can't wait for Grandma Nikki to post on this. I'm sure she'll have something awesome to say. She always does. NOT!

P.P.S. You seem to like the crazy girls. I think Jenn above would fit you perfectly. Psycho.

Kristen said...

haha...ya, calvin, the fact that a word is found on dictionary.com doesn't really keep you from looking like a moron when you use it.
Sorry babe :)

What's a Moron? said...

Kristen. Tell me what invalidates the use of dictionary.com? The fact that it cites the use of other sources such as the "American Heritage® Dictionary" and "Random House Dictionary?"

Erin said...

Well. I have been to raves before. And I am an active mormon.

However, I think that the point here is not that you don't like Mikaela. Its that you loooooooooove Kristen.

Brittnay said...

Anonymous @ 3:20 PM, did you really just call him a weiner?

MissGirl said...

So is hotness the only factor in liking a girl?

christina said...

lol these comments are too funny. i love how you aren't allowed to use words slang or not without getting called out for it i mean come on you can't even use dictionary.com without getting crap. ridiculous. yeah so you shouldn't judge mikaela but everyone judges people at some point so people need to chill out. she shouldn't be putting herself out there like that knowing what people assume happen at raves.

Kristen said...

haha even if the word "conversate" were found in merriam webster's hard copy dictionary, I'd still think calvin sounded like a moron for saying it :)

acoles@c.ringling.edu said...

One time a guy came over to my house wearing one of those lame hipster string head band things around his forehead with a completely non-hipster dude bro outfit and as soon I saw him wearing it, I instantly did not like him any longer and could not wait for him to leave.


I also wanted to post a neutral comment, since i guess it's really cool to post hater comments.

Anonymous said...

Ginormous is a word, look it up in an updated dictionary and shut up. Ain't is in the dictionary AND is slang. Calvin, I thought you were cool before, but now you're kind of a hypocrite.

hater said...

just because something is in the dictionary doesn't mean it's a word in the english language you hillbilly.

you're probably the type of person that believes everything you read on the internet too, like this blog.

slang is slang.

I don't care if you talk that way or not, just don't say it's a word when it's not.

WilWheaton said...

Eavesdropping on conversations by pretending to be jamming to your iPod? It's a great activity. It's like in "The Foreigner" people will be comfortable saying anything around you if they think you can't hear/don't understand.

I've never been to a rave. I think the term "Rave" just makes it sound uncool to me. If someone invited me to a rave but called it something else I'd probably go. When I think rave I picture people in a mosh pit, flailing around, slaves to the music... and glow sticks... and binkies...

Anonymous said...

For being a hater, you are pretty obsessed with this blog!

Anonymous said...

This is why we love hater. He/she is HILARIOUS! You hillbilly! hahaha. Keep hating Hater because you make this blog enjoyable!

Carlos the Great said...

Dude, were you really that concerned about how other people were wearing their backpacks? Seriously? Who cares? Do what you want, be what you want. If the chick is gonna judge you based on that, then you should push her to the curb anyway...

Anonymous said...

I still love WillWheaton.

But all the hating in the comments is getting old.

Laura said...

Ha!

I've totally been to a rave.

All the cool kids go, and you people who think they were only in the '90s are clearly not hip.

And I did not get high. Or sleep with anyone.

Because I am Mormon.

But I can still be edgy and cool, you know?

Another Hater. said...

Give up. You're guys' 15 minutes of fame has long passed its time.

P.S i only read this because i have nothing better to do...but now i regret reading it because i could have been watching rachel ray.

Anonymous said...

Come on.

Some of you guys above choose to be offended.

Also, if you go to Europe, most 'clubs' are like Raves. It's fun because they play a whole assortment of music though. Try it sometime.

Anonymous said...

I hate how MBP erased the April Fool's post. I wonder why they'd do that...

Anonymous said...

all right, don't post my comment about deleting the april fools post. but it's still sad.

you guys were funny

Masked McKenna said...

You should go to a rave before you decide she's trash. You might ilke it, though its a bit more involved than standing and making sure you're 'erect (vertical)'.

Asha said...

Whether or not "conversate" is a word or not is entirely subjective. The English language changes all the time- words that were slang 50 years ago are now accepted on a regular basis. We add and create new words each year. As culture evolves, so does our language.
Besides, slang words are still words afterall.
And if we all obviously understood what Calvin meant by "conversate" it shouldn't matter that much.

Anonymous said...

aint aint a word

Ali said...

Wait wait wait, thats it? I kinda thought thats what raves were too...but don't you at LEAST wanna ask if that what goes on at raves? Maybe she's a chick who sleeps around and does drugs, but maybe not...Ask the woman next time! haha

DCFresh said...

Good riddance! There are plenty of fish in the sea & with Summer right around the corner & school out everyone will be looking for some Summer lovin'

Anonymous said...

Asha - name one word that was slang 50 years ago and is now accepted on a regular basis. and by accepted I mean that your English teacher would allow you to include in a paper.

slang comes from people being too lazy to speak correctly. it does not evolve into words.

Anonymous said...

I'm just glad a'ight ain't in the dictionary.

Blazzer said...

Calvin this post disappoints me. Not that you care, but I really think that perhaps you are being too harsh. I know that in Utah judging someone on these grounds seems safe, but out of that bubble I think you'd be hardpressed to date like you do.

The "what's a word" argument is one of the dumbest this blog has seen.

Your English Teacher said...

Just a sampling of slang words I would let you use:

Hater
Cool
Rad
Scumbag
Uber
Kankles
Unmentionables
Schmooze
Geezer
Bangin
tight
Schlong
Hookey
poo
Sluffing
sweet
lame
duh
boogie
sick
phraseology
Groovy
Horny
Upchuck
Shorty
Skeezy

Your English Teacher said...

To argue that someone who is communicating an idea through writing effectively is stupid, simply because a word they use is currently not found in a bound dictionary is ignorant. William Shakespeare invented hundreds of words including: Countless, accommodation, amazement, excitement, assassination, backing, sanctimonious, bedazzled, savagery.

I'm sure he had silly hater's who berated him for misusing English.

I am not however implying that in a few hundred years everyone will think Jake and Calvin were literary geniuses.

Chas Hathaway said...

I don't blame you, I'd do the same!

Chas

Anonymous said...

I don't even understand the point of the comments above.

Anyway

Calvin. If she was willing, would you snog her too? haha

Anonymous said...

Wait why is a word thats found in the dictionary not part of the English languege?

I think if an English speaking person understands what someone is saying then it would be part of the English languege.

you're anonymous not an english teacher said...

you are changing the argument. william shakespeare did not live during the 50's. I am not arguing that new words are not always being invented.

most of those words were not from the 50's either and are still considered slang and will most likely die with each generation.

rarely does a word originate from slang, and especially not from a word made up on MBP.

and "languege" is not found in the english language either.

why does everyone label someone a hater just because they have a different opinion?

Anonymous said...

I agree with blazzer I think "english teacher" needs to go back to class and grade more papers. and quit making up stupid arguments.

Anonymous said...

Actually the argument was "50 years ago" which is 1960.

Citing William Shakespeare was not changing, but adding to.

No one had ever said amazement just amazing.

Regardless of the time it happened, that word is now 100% accepted English.

How is that different from saying conversate instead of conversing?

Anonymous said...

Blazzer is a creepy 33 yr old who some have said may actually be Jake or his girlfriend Calvin. So, really....do we even take anything he says to heart? Um, no!

How is it different? said...

Uummmmm because it's funny to make fun of Calvin and the way he talks. Some people just take things a little too seriously I guess.

In the end it really doesn't matter anyways because I doubt that MBP and their made up words will have the same influence that Shakespeare had on the english language.

just give up, you lost said...

so you're saying that all those words on your list were from the 60's?

Katie said...

In response to your comment on my blog: I had female backup... and this guy is gorgeous and ive been saying that i was going to talk to him over 2 months now..