I've got a very healthy hamster in a wheel in my head, and the little bastard just won't stop running. What am I going to do with Claire? Here's the thing, I can't compete with how funny Calvin consistently is in his blog posts... so today I'm going to just jot down some serious, not-so-manly thoughts on Claire and my current chick turmoil.
Claire sent me a text last night, "Where have you been?" It's not so much that I have been avoiding her... I have just been eluding her. She started dating Adam. I like her, and I didn't do anything about it and now I am stuck with an effing hamster in my head. I am feeling tortured... let me see if I can elaborate.
For almost the last month Claire and I have been seeing each other everyday till Adam came along. We would sit in her apartment and talk late into the night about everything. I told her all my deep dark secrets, and she shared hers with me... even though they didn't really compare. Sometimes we would talk about music and TV shows. Other times we would talk about the scriptures and General Conference. Some nights we talked about love and family and all the things that are important to us in life.
I really like Claire. I worry that because of my post about our differing attitudes towards Sabbath observance that some readers might think she isn't amazing. She is amazing. Even amazing people can be a little self righteous sometimes. I'm not perfect so she needn't be. I feel like there is this connection. I think about marriage and eternal family all the time. I am looking for someone who I can talk to and want to spend so much time with.
I look back over the last year since I got back from my mission and realize that I felt a similar connection with Andrea (which I screwed up) and Sanders (which I screwed up). The only difference here that I can see is that, so far, I haven't "got" Claire. I recognize it's all my fault, I never even tried. Now I think anything I do will look insincere, forced, and that she'll just brush me off because she doesn't feel the same. I am tormenting myself.
I'm trying to look at my options logically.
A) I can just go to her and tell her how I feel. That would be the "movie" thing to do... but what about Adam? He's a really cool guy. He sees the same sweet, sexy, awesomeness that I see in Claire. I wouldn't want some DB coming up to a girl I'm dating and confessing his undying love... besides, it's not like it's undying... or, love. What happens when she says okay, Adam hates me and then we date for a month and after I "got" her, my intensity fades and I blow it like I did with Andrea and Sanders? No I don't like this option, it breaks the Golden Rule in too many different ways.
B) I can just try and continue cultivating the friendship that we started. Set aside my feelings until either she marries Adam or they break up. I can't honestly say however that I could put my feelings aside. I would no doubt shroud my feelings in a guise of friendship that seethed with ulterior motives. That just seems like a more cowardly version of option A, so I don't like that.
C) I can walk away and try to just meet someone else. I would have to walk away to do this because every time I am with her I go crazy. Every time I know I am going to see her I analyze my actions and what they are "saying" to the point of insanity. I wish I could just be happy for her and Adam, but I'm not. I'm jealous. I'm covetous. I can't be around her until I find another crush of greater or equal value... or until my feelings for her fade. It seems that this is the better and only real option I have.
I text her back, "I've just been busy."
She texts, "I miss our talks. I need one of our talks."
JAKE: "Yeah, lets get together one of these nights."
CLAIRE: "What about tonight?"
JAKE: "What about Adam?"
CLAIRE: "What about him? He knows that we're friends."
JAKE: "I would think it was a little weird if I were him."
CLAIRE: "Don't worry about it. He thinks you're awesome."
JAKE: "I am awesome."
CLAIRE: "You are... so talkie?"
I thought about my date last Friday night with Vanessa. She was cute but she wasn't for me. A little to ditsy. At dinner, Calvin was telling a joke to the group. Calvin is saying, "A guy is standing outside a bar and he sees his friend walking up the street all drunk and swaying. Just then a Nun walks by and as she passes the drunk, without provocation he gives the Nun a crazy insane Wii boxing upper cut so hard he must have shattered her nose into a thousand pieces, then before she falls backwards to the ground he gives her 3 or 4 swift punches to the kidneys, another right hook to the face, she falls to the ground and he drops his elbow into her esophagus, and then the drunk starts kicking her while she's on the ground. Then..." Vanessa interrupts and says, "Is this the Batman joke?" with a kind of a disgusted look on her face.
Calvin was stunned. The whole table sat there hanging on his next words. He sat there and looked at her with his jaw dropped. "Really?" he said frustrated. "Really? Did you really just ask the punch line a second before I was about to deliver it?" Vanessa didn't look guilty or apologetic. It was as though she couldn't see how she just destroyed Calvin's night. She said, "I heard it before it's not that funny, I think it's gross." Calvin's date begged him to continue but he didn't want to... the joke had been ruined. Calvin finally, defeated said, "Yeah, so the drunk was kicking the nun while she was on the ground and when his friend got their to pull him off her the drunk says, 'Not so tough are you, Batman." The table laughed but it was all courtesy. On the drive home Vanessa proceeded to defend herself and talk about how my best friend was too sensitive. I sided with Calvin. It sucked and the whole date I just thought, I wish Vanessa was Claire.
So I text Claire back, "I'll be over in 20."
She replied, "Yay!"
I got there and we talked. It was great. I avoided talking about Adam too much, and Claire did her thing where she made me feel like the most important most special person in the world. So, I threw logic out the window... but, just that once. I still think I need to implement option C and just walk away.
But Claire would never ruin one of Calvin' jokes... I'm screwed aren't I?