Friday, April 2, 2010

Drizzle Some A-1 On Me

I was racking my brain trying to figure out what I was going to do with Claire and Daisy. Sunday night I stood in the kitchen while Aaron, Lance, Calvin, and my old friend Tiffany discussed my conundrum.

They all knew that I would've much rather spent the previous evening rolling around with Claire than with Daisy. And really, I would have preferred sitting on the floor, a triple combination away from Claire just talking to her... than making out with Daisy. Surprisingly, my friends were all very understanding. I expected a scolding for my whiny -"ooooh my life sucks, I made out with the hottest girl, ohhh noooo.". My roommates understood though that liking a girl is much different than wanting a girl.

Tiffany had the following to say: "If you want Claire you have to tell her how you feel... now. Admit how jealous you were of [Old] Adam and how, even though it is not an excuse for what you did, that it was that jealousy which led you to succumb to Daisy's advances."

Tiffany thought if I told Claire how stupid it was and how much I wished it were her that it would move Claire to forgive me. I thought that sounded like a terrible idea, and did what I usually do when girls gave me advice about girls... looked at her chest-- just kidding. No what I usually think when girls are giving me advice about other girls is, "What do girls know about girls? They can't even live together or be friends for longer than 5 year periods."

Similarly, my roommates disagreed. That being said, each one of my comrades suggested that if I wanted Claire, my best course of action would be to date and continue to make out with and exhibit public displays of sweetness and affection with Daisy. Each of them thought I should date Daisy while I had the chance. Not because she was hot and a good kisser. No. But because they believed it was the best strategy I could employ to get Claire.

Lance made this case: "When Claire sees that you're dating Daisy, the hot one, not only will it make Claire jealous, but it'll force her to see that you can do better than her. Make her second guess herself. Then, when you do make your move, she'll feel oh so special."

Aaron agreed and added: "Also, Claire's going to start dating Adam. You might as well make out with Daisy while she's snoggin the geezer."

Calvin expounded: "It's not like you dislike Daisy, right? If Claire is dating someone else you might as well see how it goes with Daisy... otherwise you'll fall further into the friend zone because with you not dating anybody those 'heart to hearts' you and Claire will keep having will be about her and her boyfriend - who isn't you."

It did seem to make sense. I didn't dislike Daisy. Perhaps if I spent a little time getting to know her and courting her then I would feel for her as strongly as I do for Claire.

Daisy is quite the trophy, too. Tuesday, I went to the Heights for a minute, and on my walk up the three flights of stairs to their hallway, I passed two guys whose names I didn't know, but recognized. One smiled at me and the other raised his hand for a high five as we passed. In a deep voice he said, "Daiiiisy... Niiiice!"

So, to recap, Daisy and I kissed Saturday night. I texted her Monday and we chatted a little. Then Tuesday I texted her and didn't hear back all day. Then Wednesday she texted me and I purposely didn't respond. Claire texted me Wednesday that a group was gonna go eat at the Bombay House that night. I figured I'd stop by and see Daisy while I was there.

Right as I reached the top of the stairs, down the hallway, I saw Adam walk into Claire's apartment. So I decided to walk past her door and see if Daisy was home first. Her roommate Shelly answered. She opened the door a head-sized crack and looked a little surprised. I said, "Hey Shelly is Dais--" Shelly quickly moved out into the hallway and shut the door behind her. In order to do that she had to open the door a little more and I was able to see Daisy sitting on the couch in the living room with some dude. When I say "sitting"... her legs were draped over his.

Shelly said, "Oh hey Jake... um, Daisy's busy." I replied, "I can see that." She grimaced and said, "Oh..." I noticed she still had the TV remote in her hand and she sort of covered her mouth with it when she said, "Yeah, we're not going to dinner with everyone." I felt pretty silly and said, "Oh cool, just checkin." I turned back towards Claire's place, and Shelly said, "Sorry Jake... I hate to say it but I think the other night, you know, it was... you know...?" It sucks when people are speaking in incomplete sentences and you know what they mean. I did "know", I had seen Daisy with the guy on the couch a few times before.

I said, "Yeah, I know. I was actually coming to tell you that your're next." Shelly laughed nervously. I smiled nervously and walked to Claire's, feeling like an idiot. How foolish. I imagined the laughter that must be ensuing in Daisy and Shelly's apartment right now. There I was, thinking that all I had to do was just decide that Daisy was mine and she would be... not realizing that as out-of-my-league as she was that she was using me as much, or actually, more so than I was using her.

I wished to crap that I wouldn't have listened to my roommates because now Daisy would always think she broke my heart or something, and would never know that my pursuit of her was, in actuality, me "settling". It didn't bother me one bit that she tongue wrestled me with no intention of dating me. Used me like a perfectly cured piece of medium rare, Grade A, New York strip steak. I didn't mind being used like an object or toy that could be discarded once a better object/toy came into play. It did bug me that I thought she was thinking she broke my heart.

Got worse once I got to Claire's and the "group" ended up being Old Adam, Claire, Wendy, and me. It was like a blasted double date. Like one of those double dates where the other guys date is cuter than your date in addition to him being too cool to dislike and totally out flirting and out funnying you - you know the kind. It was torture. At least the curry was good.

Jake

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. I got dumped last tuesday, it sucked. Worst part is he's my older sister's friend, so I'll still have to see him.

Blazzer said...

(smiling sigh)

And now we're back to what we all come here for.

-Blazzer

MBP isnt dead YAY said...

I think it is especially funny that you continually refer to Adam, who is 31, as "Old Adam" considering the events of the past week.

;)

Nate said...

Grade A, New York strip steak? Jake, you're a cool guy and everything, but let's be honest - you're probably 80% lean ground beef at best...;-)

Just kidding. So, I have been out of things for a while - looks like I missed an expose or messed up April Fool's Day joke or something?

- Nate

Natalie said...

JUST ASK CLAIRE ON A FREAKING DATE (yes that is me yelling haha) but for reals you have to do it now before her and adam get anymore serious. sounds like the whole adam thing just started and so they aren't official so just ask her out. Ten bucks says she says yes.

Erin said...

mm, there we go. back to normal.

just go punch adam in the face. that could be fun.

Anonymous said...

Oh Crap! You're going to keep writing this stupid blog?

I hate you more than I hate Twilight, Over the Hill, and Glee.

This blog sucks.

Anonymous said...

Oh... guess I was impatient.

Me bad.

scoutingchick said...

haha, even though this isn't actually "real-time," I'm glad you're still writing. This blog is like a mormon sitcom. I love it

Little Debi said...

Wow please please PLEASE never listen to your guy friends again. Seriously. Tiffany is definitely right.

OH and I've been best friends with my friend Jennifer since we were born soo it IS possible for girls to be friends for more than 5 years.

Autumn said...

why the hell would you listen to your GUY friends about advice about a GIRL!? You should have listened to your GIRL friend. She is a girl. *facepalm*

Anonymous said...

Ugh, it's just so weird to be reading your ramblings again. The whole April Fools thing, or whatever it was.....just makes me feel like I'm reading a script. Maybe it's the truth, maybe it's made up, but I guess who cares, because people enjoy reading the blog....but it isn't the same now. :(

Masked McKenna said...

If you need advice about writing your name in the snow with your pee, go to your guy friends. If you need advice about girls, that's what girl friends are for.

DCFresh said...

I had a NCMO on NYE & it was similar to what happened between you & Daisy. Other people had paired off in irritating & annoyingly cute couples. Anyway, the guy thought he had broken my heart when he didn't want to start a relationship. I was totally fine though, it was fun & he was cute. end of story. (the make out wasn't that great...)

Brit O'Connor said...

Girls like guys who make a move. Adam made a move. You didn't.

So MAKE THE MOVE.

You might have lost your chance, and she might have found a great guy- but there isn't much more to lose as of now, might as well try.

brooke said...

dude...daisy is a hagface...seriously t e l l claire how you feel!! why torment yourself watching her with [not a fossil] adam not knowing if that could be you or not!!! IT COULD BE!!!

i am too classy to say grow a pair...but seriously do...

jessica said...

I love curry...

Jade said...

Jake Jake Jake..... Please never listen to your guy friends advice about girls again when you have the option of taking a girls advice about the situation first. Ask Claire out and step things up a notch, just don't be fake about it. You have some competition now, so get your butt in gear and go work for the girl.

So ask her out, be strait up with her about the whole Daisy incident, tell her your feelings for her. Then things should be good, and if not then at least you gave it a shot, you can never win the prize unless you take a chance an play.

Belo Prado said...

You sick, sick little bastards... and Daisy probably has crabs anyway.

Anonymous said...

What the hell does *facepalm* mean?

Anonymous1 said...

Daisy is what my roommate would call a 'toaster.' For every guy she continues to mess around with she gains another kitchen appliance.

Just call up Claire already. Maybe she's doing the silly girl thing and wants to make you jealous by going with ol' Adam.

Blazzer said...

I would suggest that those who think advise is now a waste of time are making a mistake.

Jake and Calvin were never listening anyway, but with stories that are so relatable and honest, I think that the 1500 subscribers who read it may benefit from the advice. I saw don't be stingy.

My observation Jake is that just because you don't have a chance with Daisy doesn't make your roommates advise bad. It just means you have no chance.

WilWheaton said...

I think the girls are right here. Although, while in competition, girls are more fierce, merciless, and blood-thirsty than a UFC fighter on a Roid-rage, your girl friends usually give great advice on girls.

But I guess I can't really expect any guys to take advice about girls from girls since, in my experience, girls don't take advice about guys from guys.

alanna said...

this is my first time commenting, probably because i keep losing myself way back in your archives and don't want to comment on something you'll never read...
1) i decided to stop reading after reading about what bullies y'all were as children, until i got to the part where you talked about how you 180'd and changed your life...without ever elaborating. please feel free to do so in a further post.
2) i thought your public rating of girls was realllly strange; i wonder if the LOS scale is similar for non LDS-guys? i can't believe some of the girls who scored higher than other ones!
3) i really, really, really like your blog. it's hilarious, honest and well written (i'm so glad that y'all spell/grammar check before you post. it makes it so much more enjoyable to read). i didn't think that i'd be able to relate to Mormons, but it's amazing to me how much trouble you get into without alcohol!

Please keep writing foreva eva because I'm addicted to your blog :)

<3 alanna

Whiteley Family said...

people who keep writing about "april fools" or whatever annoy me.

Anonymous said...

I think Blazzer and WilWheaton are the same guy(s) that are writing this blog. Not that it matters.

Carry on . . .

JumboWings said...

I was right as is Natalie...grow some flipping balls and ask Claire out already and stop being a pussy. And about feeling like you made Daisy think she broke your heart, she will get over it so don't be bothered. Ask her out and see whats up. You have the upper hand, except you not as funy as Adam...ouch!

Tacey, Mormon Skank to some said...

I feel your pain. Just go make out with someone else ASAP and make sure she finds out about it.
Worked for me!

hahahahaha said...

hahahaha no one reads this blog anymore. hahahaha.

it doesn't hurt to be nice said...

This is why you are such a jerk. You only care about the fact that your own pride was a little hurt because someone might think they broke your heart - and that the food was good.

If Claire is really someone worth being with, then you missed a perfect opportunity to impress her by just being nice to her friend Wendy (who probably rarely dates).

Liz said...

Brilliant: I love the analogy!

A1 sause must be added to the mix if your going to be treated like a piece of meat.

However I wonder what the A1 really represents... the "meat" using the other person to??? hmm... I don't know

Liz said...

By the way...

I'm glad your blog is normal now so I can read it.

It's here for entertainment and your accomplishing your goal...

CHECK