Thursday, April 8, 2010

What does "stupid is as stupid does" mean?

I ran into Daisy the other day at FHE, this was our first conversation since we smooched a couple weeks ago.

JAKE: Hey Daisy.
DAISY: Jake?
JAKE: How's it hanging?
DAISY: Good, how are you doing?
JAKE: Rock n roll I guess.
DAISY: That's good...
She was leaning against the back of a couch and leaned back and looked around as though trying to find someone to come save her. I tried to think of some way to make things more comfortable for her. I mean, I get it, and I didn't want to be "that guy" that she always has to walk on egg shells around.
JAKE: Yeah, so hey, I wanted to say thanks for the pity make-out the other night. I was freaking out because of my mad crush on Claire.
After it came out of my mouth I thought it might have been the very worst thing I could have said, ever. She looked at me a little shocked but kept her composure, and then, the corners of her mouth started to turn up just a little.
DAISY: Wow, Jake. Blunt much?
JAKE: I... yeah (I laughed) I figured the sooner it was said the quicker we could get on with being fast friends again.
Her mouth sat half open for a second as she studied me, she was still sort of smiling.
DAISY: Well. I just don't know what to say to that. What do I say to that?
She laughed and wiped under her eye like there was a tear there, but there was no tear. She folded her arms, straightened her legs and crossed them and leaned forward a little as though the next thing I would say might change her life.
JAKE: Ummm, you're supposed to say, "You're welcome Jake. Now how can I help you in your predacious situation with Claire?"
Daisy's smile got bigger, she stared at me like I was from another planet.
DAISY: Did you mean "precarious situation"?
JAKE: What did I say?
DAISY: "Predacious."
JAKE: The other one. Because I don't know what that means.
We both laughed.
DAISY: Well... you're welcome. (she laughed again awkwardly) Seriously you're too much. I can't help you with Claire but, yeah we're friends.
JAKE: You're kind of a player. You know... I think I could learn from your insights on this.
DAISY: Well Claire sorta hates me, because...
I was surprised she was still uncomfortable saying it.
JAKE: Because we hooked-up?
Daisy just nodded, and we ended up talking about the guy I saw her with on the sofa for a bit before we were interrupted.

Yesterday I was sitting at the counter-bar thingy in Claire's apartment talking to her and Wendy when Jen just walked in from across the hall.

JEN: Hey guys, wud up yo!
She always plays like she is a thug, not in like I'm-Eminem-and-really-think-that-I'm-a-balla sorta way, but more in a I'm-the-whitest-white-girl-on-Earth-which-is-why-you-should-laugh-when-I-talk-like-I'm-Snoop kinda way. I think it's very funny.
WENDY: Jake's telling us that if we wanted guaranteed make-out's, we should play video games with guys on dates.
CLAIRE: Yeah, except I don't want to date "gamer guys" so why would I hang out with one that would be impressed by that?
JAKE: Adam plays games. He's on xbox live like every time I log on.
Claire just smiled. After my talk with Daisy I had to assume that Claire at least heard I liked her.
WENDY: I played Zelda with a guy once and we did not make-out after.
JEN: Hmmm, well I am walking over to Sev. Anyone wanna come?
Wendy shook her head, and Claire said it was too cold.
JAKE: Yeah, I'll come with you. (to Wendy) Zelda is too epic, that's only for post marriage play...
No laughter? Hmm, I thought the joke spoke for itself, but they stared at me waiting for the punchline.
JAKE: You know because kissing isn't enough? Because when you're married you can do more than... kiss. Sex. Girls! I am talking about sex!
Wendy and Jen laughed with me but Claire stood there. Jen and I headed out.
CLAIRE: Not funny. (which she followed up with laughter)
Jen and I headed to 7/11.
JAKE: So, whats new lady? You got a man?
JEN: You say that like there's only one. (sarcastically) I can't even remember all their names.
JAKE: Oh. Nice. I'm glad you are getting out there so that you'll have sowed your wild oats by the time it's our turn.
JEN: Our turn to ride the... merry-go-round?
JAKE: Our turn for "the magic to happen". You know... between us?
Jen laughed nervously at first. I figured this was all jokes because that's all her and I ever did, but her demeanor made me nervous suddenly that she might actually think I was kind of serious. I was wrong.
JEN: I thought the magic already happened for us?
JAKE: It did? Was I asleep?
JEN: No. It just wasn't very magical for me so I moved on.
JAKE: Well... I didn't get to pick my wand.
Jen ignored my sexual innuendo as we walked into the store. While she was perusing the milk cooler she continued our conversation.
JEN: Besides, you're off limits.
I watched her read the nutrition information on a chocolate milk, she noticed and looked at me.
JEN: You made-out with Daisy.
JAKE: Oh, you saw that?
Jen lowered her head and looked at me like Ana Lucia from LOST looks at everyone all the time.
JEN: Funny.
JAKE: (Chuckle) Don't judge me, Jen.
JEN: No I don't care, you can make-out with whoever you want. I just doubt anyone in the Heights wants Daisy's trash.
JAKE: Whoa-oh, easy there. Trash?
JEN: Sucks too cause I know you like Claire.
JAKE: Daisy tell you that?
JEN: (Laughs, at me) No. It's obvious dude. (she points her box of Milk Duds at the cashier) Even this guy knows.
He nods in agreement.
JEN: The only person who probably doesn't know might be Claire.
I suddenly felt very small.
JEN: Claire might not know because her and Adam are doing their thing, but c'mon? Really? (she laughs, at me again) She wont touch you after Daisy, either. She's too wholesome.
I felt a little dumb, but wondered if Claire finding out would be a bad thing? I wanted to play it off like I didn't care to Jen and hopefully change the subject and stop the blatant mockery.
JAKE: I'm glad everyone thinks that. That way my true feelings for you will stay hidden from the public view.
Jen stopped and faced me. We were standing in the median of the street we were crossing. She put her free hand on my chest and I think she raised one foot. Then she pushed off me and spun around.
JEN: (rapping in her best Missy Elliot) I got the new Ferrari, shorty you ain’t got that.

Jake

36 comments:

natalie. said...

i officially love jen.
always.

Laura said...

Me, too.

Love this still.

Girl101 said...

well.. no claire-naughty-time for you then soldier.

p.s. I get the feeling this post isnt't the first time that a joke you've cracked, has fallen faster than tumbleweed down a hill.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

a

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Whoops, sorry about that dude.

I say be blunt, go to Claire, kiss her, say you like her and if Daisy comes up, apologize.

Or do nothing and look for a new crush.

Crystal said...

Yep, I like Jen too. She keeps it real.

Zona Bosted said...

Think it's time to move on. Jen gave you some great advice.

Paula said...

Is anyone else totally confused???

Anonymous said...

It's kinda funny that there aren't really any comments on here. There are usually tons of them and girls wanting to be the first one to comment. Looks like it's all down hill from here. I say this blog doesn't last too much longer. You're out, "Jake" and "Calvin"!!! Ahhh, it's too bad!

S said...

Fact: Playing video games with a guy doesn't guarantee a make-out session.
True story.

Anonymous said...

Although this blog is fake, this post was my favorite. I like Jen. She's hilarious and totally right. No one wants your dirty trash....shorty :)

JumboWings said...

I told you soo, grow some balls already. And about Jen, WTF?

WilWheaton said...

Wow, it's incredible how closely this blog mirrors my life at times. I, too, have had the you-blew-it-and-now-you-have-no-chance-with-my-friend conversation, but for less than a NCMO. But you know, 3 months later the girl-I-had-no-chance-with and I were dating, and continued to do so for the next year. We even joked about that period a lot.

I came to find out that she was actually observing as her friend sent me all of these text messages telling me that "there is no chance she would ever go out you."

It comes down to your perception, as flawed as it is, to decide whether her friend is right or not. Also it might be smart to stop comparing yourself to "the other guy."

Maryn said...

I'm with Sam. Just kiss her.

Jade said...

Jake just go for it. Ask her out already, tell her how you feel about her. It'll go fine, just man up, jump in the water and go for it! Just go for it!

Maggles said...

I, too, am totally enamored of Jen.

Anonymous said...

Love the blog and stories...please don't ever stop writing!!

Megan said...

So you have managed to talk to almost everyone about your feelings for Claire except for Claire.

Sucks

Shayla said...

So - you haven't exactly been clear... is Claire dating Adam or what.

Isn't she 19 and he's 35?

I'm sensing some ulterior motives.

Megan said...

I guarantee that Claire knows, and I think she knew before you told Daisy.

I also think that Daisy thinks you are a huge loser after forcing that little blah blah blah.

I had a guy do that once, it was too uncomfortable and only made things worse.

Jen said...

Is this blog real or fake? I thought it was fake, didn't someone prove that?

But you keep writing. It seems too real and detailed to be made up. Plus all the story's are jumbled if this was a book it would flow differently. You just keep writing like nothing happened.

Is that because you weren't really found out?

I'll keep reading either way, but it'll make a difference with how I comment.

Please just tell us whats up?

Pretty!

mommy dearest said...

You just have terrible taste in women Jake! Jen is awesome but you described her as "incredibly average" and having a "painfully obvious low self-esteem" she sounds awesome. Claire's a dud. You're a dud. I hope my daughter runs into guys that can tell her how they feel instead of this generations excuse for dating.

Grow UP!

Anonymous said...

Agreed with Mommy Dearest. Well Said and soooooo true! I hope that all our daughters run into guys that are not like these two "fictional" characters.

Lindsay said...

love jen. she sounds cool. love the gangster habits.

WilWheaton is probably right though. What is completely off-limits one month is completely acceptable in a month or so.

I knew it! said...

Hey Megan (with the brunette updo), funny how I just found your exact (copyrighted) photo here:

http://www.hji.co.uk/image/2006-brunette-updo-qhs544.html

Your profile is as fake as this blog. Or maybe you are really J or C? I have always been suspicious of you because you were one of the first people to alert all of us of the expose blog. Plus you made some pretty strange comments on that blog... for example, that you were the writer of another anonymous blog. hhhmmmmmm!

It is all making sense now.

Forest Gump said...

uuuhhhh you're pretty stupid if you don't know what "stupid is as stupid does" means. I mean even I know that!

Tiffany said...

This post was so funny and witty, it sounds made up. If not good on ya.

The Hatchback of Notre Dam said...

You know what? Your next poll should ask how many people think this blog is fake.

It might be good to know.

Erin said...

Dude. No offense meant, but you are kind of a man whore. And you know, there are some girls, like Claire, who don't want a man whore. I don't think its gonna happen, man. tough toenails.

Missionary Style said...

maybe 'I knew it!' didn't know about doppelganger week haha.

I agree with "The Hatchback or Notre Dam" Do a poll. That should be interesting to see.

Masked McKenna said...

I agree with Erin.

Some girls don't like manwhores, especially when they've made out with their roomies. You, being a manwhore, won't be dating those girls. Comes with the manwhore territory. Luckily there are plenty of normal whores for you to make out with.

Also, most girls prefer guys who aren't fictional...so there's that ;)

Bad Horse said...

So can you update more frequently? It's not as if you have full time jobs, a wife and kids at home demanding all your attention is it?

Rachael said...

Pretty much love Jen :)
She sounds hilarious!

Liz said...

Too bad... you've probably messed it up for the girl you really like.

Sounds like Jen could be a prospect though.... :P

mayhemallen said...

Read the For The Strength of Youth Pamphlet and follow it to the letter.

Anonymous said...

Jake,
Here is your POA (that is Plan Of Action... of course!)

1. ask claire on a date.
2. plan a magnificent date with claire.
3. be a wonderful gentleman
4. tell claire you like her.
5. don't kiss her afterwards... you want her to know that you like her for her... not just for kissing.
6. if she doesn't return your affections either move on, or try harder.

helpful hints-

*stop texting claire. if you want to get ahold of her, just call her... calling shows that you would rather take the time to listen to her, than to type to her when you have a free moment.

*bring her something sweet to show her that you care. make sure it coincides well with an inside joke... those gifts are always way better than cheesy standard ones.

*don't make out with girls that live in close proximity to claire... that would be a no brainer.

*better yet, if you really like claire, don't make out with other girls at all!!