Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Below you'll find three actual conversations with Andrea: (it seems a little long but reads really fast)
Friday night-Driving home after going to the World Cup Qualifier at Rio Tinto (AWESOME!),
JAKE: Yeah. It sucks a little that I have to get up and drive out again tomorrow morning.
ANDREA: I know. ... You kind of wish I would have just stayed over like your roommates do.
JAKE: Honestly, the thought of you falling asleep in my arms is pretty, uh, hard to find issue with.
ANDREA: I wouldn't be comfortable. Would you?
JAKE: You know... I don't know.
ANDREA: ... (she is really good at pausing to let me think and then continue)
JAKE: I've only been home for three months- a little more. I remember when I got home I was driving down the freeway listening to my old "Bowling For Soup" CD. I hadn't listened to that album for 2 whole years. I was loving it! There is some swearing on the album though. Not a lot, but some. I was a little shocked at how it made me feel. I didn't feel guilty or anything, just could tell it hurt my freshly home RM sensitivities you know?
ANDREA: Uh huh.
JAKE: Three months ago I was skipping the songs that swore too much. I even remember thinking "I'll have to remove these from my itunes." But now...
ANDREA: Now it doesn't phase you?
JAKE: Yeah, and I know its a small thing. ... There are a lot of things like that though.
ANDREA: (With a telling grin) Like the sleepover thing.
JAKE: Exactly! ... Like the sleepover thing. Calvin and Aaron have been home only a few months longer then me. They don't have a problem at all with sleepovers. I believe them too, when they tell me that nothing is happening.
ANDREA: So, what do you think it means that these things used to phase you and now they don't?
(I swear Andrea should be a shrink the way she asks questions all the time. I always forget she is only 19 with the way she talks)
JAKE: (I smile and look at her) Well, I know, obviously, that I am being desensitized...
JAKE: ...but, but that's bound to happen when someone loses the mantel of "missionary." Is there a line that's too spiritual or too careful? I mean when I was a missionary I couldn't ride alone in a car with a girl... so that means the fact that we are even here talking means there is some level of desensitization going on. Right?
ANDREA: I don't know Jake. Maybe. I just know that we are supposed to strive to be perfect. We don't have to be perfect, just strive. But in striving, when we're given a decision, that doesn't mean we just go with whatever. We should probably choose the choice that will make it easier for us to be as close to perfect as possible.
JAKE: ... (Okay, I know she's right, even though I totally hate the word "strive" and she sounds a little like a boring church talk right now. She sure looks cute when she gets this way though. She interprets my pause as disagreement and she continues)
ANDREA: If I slept over tonight nothing would probably happen but -
JAKE: I don't know. You are pretty smokin. (she ignores my interruption)
ANDREA: -there is no way anything can happen if I'm at home in my bed and you're at home in yours right?
JAKE: Of course. (The conversation shifts back to the El Salvador, USA game -did I mention that was awesome?- Her simple faith is pretty hard to disagree with, and I do agree with her, she could very convincingly apply that little "strive" thingy not only to coed sleepovers but to "R" rated movies, caffeine, swearing, and tongue kissing. However, there is still this feeling that I am not able to verbalize, about loosening up a little bit and still being a strong, testimony driven priesthood holder)
Saturday Morning- During breakfast at the Blue Plate (Mmmmm),
ANDREA: Do you want to fast together tomorrow?
ANDREA: Okay what should we fast about?
JAKE: Uh... you mean together together? (I always entertain ulterior motives of others probably because I am such an ulterior individual. Even though, so far I have never found Andrea to have any sideways motives at all. Is this about "us"? We still haven't had a DTR? Or maybe she wants to fast about my admitted desensitizations)
ANDREA: (Giggles) Yes, together together. (She says that mockingly mimicking me) C'mon, we could fast about something together. What do you want to fast about?
JAKE: (I really didn't want to make the decision) I don't know, we could fast about who the three Nephites are... I swear one of them is following me.
ANDREA: I'm pretty sure you'd have to starve yourself to death to find that out.
JAKE: What do you want to fast about? This is your idea... I'm new at this.
ANDREA: We could fast about being more sensitive to the spirit I guess, or we could fast about, I don't know... (I think I grimaced here, I am not sure, but she kind of stopped and didn't finish what she was going to say)
JAKE: I could always use more sensitivity. That sounds good.
(I think that she wanted to fast about something else. I decided however that I didn't want to press the issue. I liked the generic fast topic.)
JAKE: So, you want to have dinner tomorrow to break it?
ANDREA: I can't, I have that family dinner, but we can just have dinner earlier tonight, and do a small snack or something after church before we go to our families for dinner.
JAKE: Oh you still do the three meals thing?
ANDREA: (Laughing) Yes Jake, thats how you do it.
JAKE: Huh, well I have been doing just two meals for a while on fast Sundays... but I'll go the full three meals, no problem. Heaven knows I can afford to skip a meal.
ANDREA: Stop it.
(We both eat for a second, and there is a pause)
ANDREA: My Mom is trying to set me up with this guy in our Stake.
JAKE: Really, who is he? Do you know him?
ANDREA: Not really, he's this 26 year old Firefighter. She really likes him.
JAKE: Ooh... a firefighter. That's hot. (Suddenly I realize that perhaps she was waiting to see how the whole "fast" proposal was going to go. Did it not go well? Had I gone the direction of DTR would she have just not told me about the fireman.) So... are you going to go?
ANDREA: Do you want me to go?
JAKE: (damn) Um... you can do what you want. If you want to go out with him you should. Right?
ANDREA: ... (she didn't make an expression at all, not disappointment, confusion, excitement, nothing)
JAKE: All it will be is one night that I wont get to spend with you. That'll kind of suck.
ANDREA: Well, I haven't told my Mom one way or the other.
(The conversation dies for a sec. I can't freaking tell if she is pissed or wanted a DTR or what. I know that if she did, I skirted the issue pretty good. I totally don't want her to go out with fireman fred, but I don't know that I am ready to say no... even though it's not like there is any other specific female that I want to pursue or anything.)
Sunday afternoon after church,
ANDREA: I brought Snickers, Dots, and Salt N Vinegar Chips.
JAKE: Mmm, excellent items to break our fast.
ANDREA: I guess it's my turn to say the prayer.
(Andrea prayed, and it was awesome. I remember when I went on my mission at age 19 my prayers were still the primary lesson "GOD-Ask-Thank-Name of Jesus" and that's it. I grew a lot while on my mission, but I'm just barely caught up to Andrea. Her prayer was pretty pointed towards me. When I started the fast, my prayer had a lot of "us's" and "we's" in it. She focused mostly on me. Blessing me and thanking Heavenly Father for me and stuff. I felt pretty loved.)
JAKE: That was a pretty tremendous prayer.
JAKE: I'm going to miss you tonight and tomorrow.
ANDREA: Me too.
JAKE: Are you feeling more sensitive?
ANDREA: I have been all day. Like I got blessed right when we started. What about you?
JAKE: (I didn't feel any different, probably because I was secretly complaining about being so hungry and I was extra bored at church today) I don't know yet, I'll really try it out in my prayers tonight.
(We finished our goodies, and I walked Andrea to her car. We hugged and kissed briefly)
ANDREA: I'm gonna go out with the Fireman.
JAKE: Okay. When?
ANDREA: Just to make my Mom happy, don't worry, it'll just be just one date.
JAKE: (I laughed) Who's worried, I'm awesome. I don't worry about old firemen.
ANDREA: Okay good. Besides, like you said, it just means one more night we wont get to be together.
JAKE: Maybe we could hang out after and you could do a pro's and con's list comparing us.
ANDREA: (Laughs) yeah right. See ya at work Tuesday.
(She shut the car door behind her. I walked away thinking maybe she fasted for more then just being sensitive to the spirit. Maybe she was looking for an answer. "Should I go out with the fireman?" Of course I was worried about the fireman... but clearly, not enough to be honest and give up whatever freedom and/or control I felt my silence was gaining me.)