Saturday, September 12, 2009

See No Evil

Andrea has been wanting to set set Aaron up with one of her friends, Jen. Jen lives in Orem... blah I freaking hate going down to Utah County. I really don't spend much time down there, and it's nothing against the people specifically, but the instant I get past the Point of the Mountain it is as though defensive driving has never been taught to anyone. Four lanes on the freeway, and everyone MUST drive the exact same speed. It's honestly like entering the Twilight Zone. As though some power or force or magical curse makes every human being who sits in a car, stupid... except for me. Yes, that has nothing to do with anything except... What the hell Utah County? But, I digress...

So Jen and Andrea decide to make us dinner at Jen's apartment. Jen, is cute, I wouldn't call her hot, but then she's not really my type. She is short, has strawberry blond hair and is pretty curvy. I would use words like stout, big-boned, and voluptuous to describe her (well, not to her face). She's not at all fat, don't get me wrong she was very cute. In fact too bad Calvin was off with Brittany, because this Jen girl is exactly his type. I tend go for taller, skinnier, girls. One's where I might occasionally notice a rib cage and are likely to never be described as "chesty". Andrea for example is my type... tall and thin. Again, I digress...

Okay so Aaron and Jen are hitting it off really well... like, I swear if Andrea and I weren't there they would have replaced the Book of Mormon between them with an Articles of Faith Bookmarker. Aaron doesn't really have a type, he's just horny, and from the looks of things so is Jen.

We decided to watch a movie. Calvin's older brother recommended "Say Anything". He said it was the greatest romantic comedy ever made. It was pretty good, and it was kind of cool to see the dad from Martian Child look like he was my age. Aaron and Jen are sharing a Lazyboy and Andrea and I snuggled on the love seat.

"Say Anything" is rated PG-13. Somewhere in the middle of the movie there is a scene where the two main characters have just had sex in the back seat of the car. We don't see them actually having sex, they are just lying there, all sweaty with fogged up windows. You know they're naked but don't see anything but some shoulder and chin. (I'm trying to paint how un-offensive this scene was. Very PG 13... Maybe even PG.) I looked at Andrea during this scene. She wasn't watching. She had purposely taken her attention away from the scene simply because it wasn't wholesome. Like she didn't want those images in her head. It was a quiet and subtle action. An action she didn't intend for me or anyone else to notice.

Here I was, again, with the guilt. Who was this girl? What was I doing with her? How was it that I was with someone who wanted nothing to do with the image of an afterthought of an un-chaste act? Also, she didn't impose those feelings on any of us. She just decided that it wasn't for her. I was losing focus on the movie until Jen abruptly got up off the chair. She stood and looked at Aaron, then went to the bathroom. She was gone for a while. I was certain she was taking a poo or something, and was happy to be distracted from Andrea's perfection.

Jen returned and did not sit next to Aaron. She sat on the floor sort of by him. He didn't move. He was frozen on the chair. The movie ended and we left. Aaron and Jen did not really hug or anything they just said goodbye. It was weird. We drove home, and Aaron said he wasn't really "into" her.

After dropping Andrea at home she sent me a text saying that Jen thought Aaron had violated her. That he had "grabbed her." I was sitting in the room with them and it didn't seem too crazy to me... I made fun of Aaron and he of course denied it and said she was a crazy B. I'm sure if Aaron did "grab" something he felt it was solicited, I mean she was all over him. Ha ha ha, those two are sitting there, fondling each other. While I am being humbled by Andrea's example. Figures.

Jake

45 comments:

Stevi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Don't you want to be with someone who inspires you to be a better person?

Amy said...

Seriously- like I said before, I like Andrea. It's good to be with someone who sets a good example for you. Jake, she's a total keeper. :]

CarrieBradshaw* said...

I totally know what you mean about traveling south to Utah County! It gives me an anxiety attack! This Andrea girl is a saint, I mean... a SAINT. She's the kind of girl who politely tunes out my sex stories at work and tries not to get offended when I curse really loudly.

Damnit Jake..

I am totally not your type ;)

Mormon Bachelorette Pad said...

Very perceptive, Jake... that's a good thing. As for Andrea, you definitely sound like a lucky guy.

i i eee said...

Oh the early 20s Mormon dating scene. Memories!

Here's my unsolicited advice:

I haven't read any other posts on your blog, but perhaps Andrea turned her face away because the scene made her feel embarrassed. RUN. IF THAT MAKES HER EMBARRASSED RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Girls who are easily embarrassed by a scene like that are the kind that won't consummate a marriage until months or even a year after the wedding. It is a rampant issue in our culture, and I could give you at least ten detailed cases where a girl couldn't get over the belief that "sex is bad" even after marriage.

Yes, I love to leave comments to the extreme.

On another note, I disagree with the motive of dating Andrea because she'll make you a better person. Savior/victim complexes are for pussies.

Amy said...

So ii eee, let us all get this straight so there's no confusion.

You're telling Jake a girl like Andrea wont wanna have sex with him even if the're married? Bull-fricking-crap. And you're also saying he's a pussy if ONE of his motives for being with a girl is that she makes him a better person?

That's some interesting advice.

i i eee said...

Amy, I was joking.

Amy said...

Mmmmmk..just checking :]

i i eee said...

Sorry, I forget that people don't know I only use the caps lock button ironically. I think I'll step away from this blog slowly now, hands up in the air. A lot of mean comments over here (not referring to your defensive note, Amy, but to another post below), and I made the decision a long time ago that life is better when one refrains from negativity on the internet. Just how I roll.

Have fun, merry bachelors! Kiss a lot of hot girls, make people laugh, and read your Book of Mormon! No joke!

Taren said...

translation: i like girls who look like they're 12.

alternate translation: i like 12 year old girls.

Alexandra said...

Andrea sounds a lot like a roommate I had last year, only the girl I know doesn't live in SLC. Great friend, sweet girl, but sometimes so perfect she makes you feel bad for the things you do (like watch Eddie Izzard) just by being so perfect.

lifechick said...

Just stumbled upon this blog. Very well written and entertaining!

I agree with i i eee that Andrea might be too uncomfortable with the issue of sex. She seems nice, and it's not a reason not to pursue things with her. But it is something to bear in mind depending on how serious things become with her.

You'll want to know a potential wife can at least learn to embrace her sexual side when she does marry.

Anyway, keep up the great writing, guys!

-lifechick
http://thelifechick.blogspot.com/

Nikki said...
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Anonymous said...

Just because Jake thinks Andrea is more righteous then him doesn't mean he expects, wants or even thinks Andrea will save his soul. In fact I don't know what blog you guys are reading Jake hasn't said anything about that.

You silly bitches need to keep the estrogen out of this and chill out.

-Blazzer

Kelly said...

no doubt!

Anonymous said...

HOLY CRAP!!! I totally know who you are Mormon Bachelor Pad, I've heard this story at least 5 times... I can't believe it! Actually I can't believe I haven't put it together before now! So I'm pretty sure I dated Aaron for a bit and I have been to your house a bunch.

Ha ha ha, your secret is safe with me! But I must say this blog is gonna get crazzzzzy.

Maybe you should talk about the tie on the door and the church pews in the garage!!

Nikki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Bow down to Nikki...the all-knowing goddess.

Anonymous said...

Nikki- Seriously your only defense is calling people gay or in love with eachother. You just accused me to be in love with Calvin and stalking him. Your a freaking retard.

Bishop Liz

Amy said...

Ok Jake, according to some people here, if you wanna have sex when you're married, better to chose a girl who is a horny bitch than a nice girl who doesn't want to watch sexual things in movies.
Umm good advice.

Nikki said...
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Nikki said...

I rule...now everyone swears. :)N

Anonymous said...

Nikki only thinks she knows everything because she's 30 years oldre than most of the readers of this blog. But she writes like a 13-year-old. "Liztard", "Leztard".
I;m purposely not talking to her directly.

I just know that Nikki is just gonna comment back some freak little speech about how I'm retarded and gay. And she's just gonna be so proud of herself for telling me off. Round of applause for Nikki. She thrives on attacking and name-calling. Good for her. "I don't buy your fake Mormon crap you all spew." Who the hell does she think she is?

-Desi

Nikki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Taren said...

"liztard"... (laughing my butt off)

Anonymous said...

LIZTARD... REALLY?

Bishop Liz

jaime said...

Andrea sounds boring! You will never get to watch a good movie with her...ever!

That's all.

H.K. said...

Hey Jake,

You keep saying that Andrea is more righteous than you. I don't think there's such a thing. Every one has different strengths and weaknesses.

samnhal said...

I don't think it should be such an alarm that she doesn't like to watch scenes like that. My husband turns away from them also. It doesn't have to mean she will have the bad girl syndrome when she gets married, it just means she would like to keep her mind free from such influences. To me that's not a bad thing.

Girl Meets Gun said...

@Taren: I like 12 year old girls.

This was humorous, because that is exactly what I was thinking when reading this. Nothing against guys that like girls with no chest and protruding ribcages, but yes.

You may as well say you like a tomboy, too, because that's what tomboys are usually like. The good news is if anything eventually happens between you and a stick girl, you won't ever have to fork over money for new bras, because she doesn't need them.

And your alternate description of the curvy girl was crass. You may hold religion in your head but not in your heart, otherwise you wouldn't be saying such things about an obviously sweet, innocent girl.

Amy said...
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Amy said...

Not nice. I know you and Taren weren't speaking directly to me but I'm just sayin...I'm one example of a chick who is not a tomboy and doesn't look like I'm 12 just because I can't gain weight and don't have big fat boobs. Neither 'stick girls' nor 'curvy girls' deserves to be put down.

Taren said...

no offense was meant - my intent was not to put down anyone. I was only trying to bring some humor back to this blog... (these commenters have been taking everything SO SERIOUSLY.)
and p.s. they way they talk about girls on this blog makes me cringe, but that's besides the point.

Amy said...

Ya...everyone fights so much on here. I guess I kinda do too sometimes lol. But I agree...these guys aren't so nice sometimes when they describe girls.

And I realized that I comment so freakin much on here. I'm just gonna shut up now hahaha.

Anonymous said...

No, Amy... you really are the most sensible person on here so keep on commenting!

As for you, Nikki, I honestly just can't believe you. Do you honestly have nothing better to do with yourself rather than try to say that Jake should go for some nasty, dirty twit because she "won't get her freak on after she is married". WOW. Are you even LDS? Actively? You know that whole Virtue thing that is being pushed so much? You should go here http://www.lds.org/broadcast/ces/0,7341,538-1-61-1721,00.html and listen to the CES fireside from Sunday. Sister Dalton said some awesome things about virtue. The root word for virtue means "power", and that seems to be what Andrea is well aware of. Virtue - specifically sexual purity - is what makes you free. Just because Andrea does not want to taint herself with crap does NOT mean she is not going to "get her freak on" once she gets married. Where the heck would you get an idea like that? Intimacy is considered sacred... saving it until marriage is what makes it that way.

P.S. There is not one single cuss word in this comment. :) Let's all try to keep it clean though, guys... and honestly, using profanity just makes you look kinda dumb.

-Mary

Nikki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Anonymous 7:40 Your comment just put things together for me. I am a common reader of this blog,I to cannot believe It took me this long to put things together. I totally know who you guys are. This is awesomely hilarious!!!!!

Bishop Liz

Steven said...

I don't think anybody knows who these guys really are. And if you do just keep it tucked inside. Now they're not gonna hold things back if they know the gig is up!

Mary said...

Nikki, you really are just sad. Is your vocabulary really so limited that you have to settle with profanity and such because that is as close as you can get to making an impression by the things you say? Yes, profanity definitely does make an impression... just a negative one.

But you didn't answer my question. Are you an active member of the LDS church? Just curious.

Nikki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

How come I'm not surprised Steven knows what it feels like to have things "tucked up inside him"???

No need to reveal identities here. That's the whole point. These guys represent 80% of RM's searching for Mrs. Right in a world with no morals.

There are 10 Calvins and 10 Jakes in every Elders Quorum...

RS Pres Liz

The Singlutionary said...

Mormons don't speed!

I love say anything but that sex scene, despite its lack of nudity is pretty dang hot. I might have had to look away too or I might have ended up wishing I would get grabbed.

The Boob Nazi said...

Horny bitches can also be nice.... Just sayin'

Kristin said...

Haha! That is so funny that your friend groped a girl and made her feel violated! LOLZ! Good old Aaron, what a playa, haha! So glad you guys could laugh about that crazy bitch! Seriously, if she wasn't such a crazy bitch she would have taken it and liked it! I mean, she was totally asking for it, cuddling with a boy!

Translation: There is nothing funny about that little situation you followed with "Ha ha ha." Your friend is an asshole, and if you were a good guy you wouldn't laugh about taking advantage of a girl like that.