Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Chivalry is Confused

Brittany's roommate watched her kids last night so Brittany could come over for our FHE Game Night hosted by the MBP (covertly, of course). There were probably 50 people at our house, by far the best turnout we've ever had for an FHE.

I was doing my best to mingle and make everyone feel welcome at our house, but was also trying my best to make sure Brittany was comfortable and didn't feel too out of place, since it was her first real experience at our house and out of her comfort zone. Jake helped me out quite a bit. Almost too much, really. Jake has never been one to cock-block, but he did admit to me later than he thought Brittany was smokin' hot. It's pretty obvious that he's more attracted to her than I am... even though he IS dating Andrea.

Anyway, there was this other guy there, as well. We call him Spud cause his head is shaped like a potato, but he calls himself "Z" and he wears a really gay gold necklace with a "Z" dangling from it. This dude is about 5' 4" and thinks he's the bomb. He's always trying to get people to "fist bump" him, but he calls it "give me some rock". I watched him try to get Jake to give him some rock, last night and Jake said, "No dude. I don't give 'rock'." Spud then kind of whispered, "Then hook me up with some scizz" and he held out his two fingers like he was playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors". Jake laughed and said, "What's 'scizz'?" Spud brought up his other hand with some finger scissors and started using both pair of scissors to cut up the other one in a subtly sexual way. It was pretty funny.

About two hours into the evening, Brittany came up to me and said that Spud had been trying to talk to her all night and wouldn't leave her alone. Then, Brittany alleged, Spud walked past her and touched her butt. Then she looked at me like I was supposed to do something about it.

Honestly, there's no way Spud grabbed her butt intentionally. He's a d-bag, but not like that. And Brittany didn't say "grab" or "squeeze" or "fondle" or "tussle". She said "touch", which could easily mean "graze" or "skim" or "brush up against". But she still stared at me.

I'm not a confrontational person. This is obvious by my "girlfriend breakup" stories. They don't exist. I don't break up with girls. I just stop calling them and don't answer my phone when they call me. It takes a bit longer to be officially "broken up", but it happens eventually.

I didn't want to minimize her molestation claim, but I also didn't want to seem like a jealous, violent, melodramatic over-reactor. So I asked her, "What do you want me to do?" Brittany's eyes got kind of wide, like she couldn't believe my knuckles weren't already bloody. "You don't have to do anything. I'm just gonna go. I feel weird." That's when I really felt like an idiot. I told her she shouldn't have to leave because of one guy. It was my house and I'd ask him to leave if she didn't want to be around him. Her helpless sigh told me that it seemed to be an acceptable reaction.

So I found Spud and told him that Brittany was with me. He apologized and said he didn't realize it. Then I told him that he was making Brittany feel uncomfortable and that it would be best if he left. He apologized again and walked out the door. No debate. No argument. Nothing. He just left.

I really don't think the "touch" was intentional, but Brittany was happy and I felt pretty good at having marked my territory... even if it was with the only guy at our house I might have actually been able to beat up.

Note to self: Avoid venturing into public with Brittany unless the desire to participate in fisticuffs is present.

Calvin

11 comments:

Rachel said...

So not long ago, I was at a date at a baseball game. Date (who probably only has two inches over Spud) and I sat on this big plastic mat that kept sliding down the grass in our cheap seats. We were having a blast, but kept having to shimmy back up the hill. At one point during our sliding date, I felt him touch my butt, and I called him on it. His response? "That's actually the third time I've done it, but just the first time you noticed." I had to give him props for his honesty. We still occasionally touch one another's bums for fun.

Kalina said...

Brittany should have been the one to call out this guy if she thought her butt was being touched. From your description of Z he sounds like the vanilla version of "Flavor Flav".

It's interesting that Brittany felt uncomfortable at your FHE. Is she not a crowd person? Too many mormons? or because she was the only mom in the room?

Youngblood4ever said...

I think I've met Spud before.

I'm a little worried that Brittany is so on you about handling something she should have taken care of herself. Even if the graze was intentional all she had to do was turn around and pound the jerk. If he is only 5'4" she probably could have beaten him up.

f1trey said...

ok dude...dont waffle....girls still want a man that makes them feel safe and secure.....early on if you send the wrong signal its bye bye..... make sense?

Kelly said...

I thinks she wants validation from a man who's been spending lots of time making out with her. If you don't care who else wants a turn that hurts! Sure she could have handled it herself. The point is she wanted to see your reaction to gage where she stands. Maybe it's insecure but I can see where she is coming from a bit.

Anonymous said...

I think Brittany is A Joke, You should Not have to kick a guy out of FHE to make her feel comfortable. I dont think thats right.

H.K. said...

If the guy grabbed Brittany's butt, she should have handled it herself & then tell you what happened. She sounds like she wants you to be her "knight in shining armor".

Amy said...

Ya she wants someone to defend her. And I agree with Kelly about your reaction. She wanted to see how you reacted, because that would give her more of an idea of how you feel bout her.

And I can't help but notice that nobody has started a fight in this little comment box thingy...yet. That's awesome. Can we keep it this way? :]

Anonymous said...

Could someone please tell me how to create a profile where I can comment under my name, without having to create a blog of my own?

I'm afraid our friends at MBP will be disallowing the anonymous comments and I want to be prepared for it.

Any help would be appreciated.

Steven said...

Brittany sounds like a drama queen to me. Not a good test run out in public if you ask me!
I'd just keep things at her place from now on.

Girl Meets Gun said...

You're a douche bag if you take the "non-confrontational" approach to dumping girls. Jeez oh Pete's, come on. No offense. :)

Also, sounds like Brittany needs to loosen up.

Entertaining content.