Monday, September 21, 2009

Ripley's Believe it or Not

I know I'm 21 years old. I know I'm an adult. I know I'm a jerk. I know I should make more of an effort when I break up with someone. I knew all of those things before reading all of your comments. I even felt a tiny bit guilty before reading all of your comments. But I decided on Wednesday that I should probably call Brittany and end things officially instead of just avoiding all of her calls like I'd been doing.

Girls claim to appreciate it when a guy is honest. I contemplated being honest with Brittany and telling her that I didn't have any real reasons for breaking up with her. I thought about telling her about the switch in my head that turns itself off when I'm done with a girl. I thought about telling her I was intimidated by her two children and wasn't excited about a future of My Two Dad's type of baggage. I thought about telling her that 34 of my 42 commentors called me a pussy and ordered me to answer my phone and break up with her "like a man".

Turns out I didn't have to do any of those things. She called me from a number I didn't recognize on Thursday morning, essentially tricking me into a "break-up" conversation. I think Brittany was afraid when I answered since I hadn't answered for four whole days. She stuttered through her prepared speech like she was nervous I'd hang up on her or something. (I'm not that scared of confrontation. Give me some credit.)

She told me that she knew exactly why I'd been avoiding her calls. She asked me if I'd come to her work and talk to her in person, just so we could "end things face to face". We even laughed a few times during the phone call, like we were friends meeting for lunch instead of a dick-face guy and his promiscuous soon-to-be ex-girlfriend.

When I got to her work, I called her and she took her 15 minute break. We sat under a tree for a little while and talked for a bit about our relationship. Brittany apologized for being so forward and told me that she totally understood why I chose to move on. She told me she had been selfish and explained how we probably weren't a very good match. At the time, I could not believe how cool Brittany was about the whole thing. We hugged and she told me she had to go back inside because her break was almost over. I drove back to work feeling pretty good about myself... like I'd finally become a actual man. A man who considered other people's feelings and tried to do the right thing.

I felt pretty good until Saturday night. We had a bunch of people over to our house, as usual. There were probably 25 or 30 people in our house and few more outside in the driveway and on the front lawn. This guy in our ward came inside at about 10:30 and told me that Brittany was outside and wanted me to come outside and talk to her. I immediately got kind of nervous. I asked him if she was alone or if she had a bunch of guys with her. He said that she was with another girl.

I asked Jake if he'd come with me and we went outside. She had parked on the side of our house. It's dark over there and nobody ever hangs out on that side of the house cause they don't want to step in any rotten peaches on the ground.

I walked toward Brittany and her roommate. They were standing by their car and they were dressed like they were headed to a bar or dance club or something. (NOTE: I'm about ready to tell you a true story. Jake told me that I might want to leave a certain part out since it's so unbelievable. Jake was afraid that telling this part might make people doubt the truthfulness of this blog. However, I thought it was so awesome that I have to tell it... even if you choose not to believe me.) Out of nowhere, Brittany gets right in my face and is talking pretty loudly... not quite yelling. She says stuff like, "You don't deserve me" and "I'm the prize" and "Who do you think you are?" She was pretty pissed and I also think she was kind of drunk.

Then (and here's the unbelievable part) she says, "I can get whoever I want, whenever I want. You have no idea how stupid you are for breaking up with me!" then she grabs her roommate, who had been standing there silently, and gave her an extremely wet, tonguey kiss. It was a short kiss, but freaking awesome. Then they both got in the car and drove off.

Jake and I just stood there for two full minutes laughing about how awesome it was that we'd just seen two girls kiss in real life. It totally sucked that nobody else was there to see it. It's an experience that only Jake and I had. I'll keep it in my heart forever.



Nikki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kelleidoscope said...

First off... good job on talking with her face to face.
Second, ew. Gross and hilarious at the same time.

f1trey said...

LOL ......too funny...... you will find this out my friend ..there are times where people are TOOO stupid to actually realize theyve lost an arguement.....people who are NUTS you CANNOT reason with...doing the right thing WILL make you feel good...guess what???? if you are apologizing to an idiot...they wont get it.... careful...the world your god turned over is full of people ready and anxious to do you harm.........

Alexandra said...

Hahaha I didn't think that sort of thing happened in real life, let alone in Utah!
(And just think, if we hadn't all urged you on to break up like a man, you would have missed out on that. Although I personally don't get the appeal)

If it makes you feel any better (not that you care, but I was one of those people who told you to break it off clearly), last time I had to tell a guy I didn't want to go on anymore dates with him, he initiated the conversation via text (I was wanting to do it in person 'cause I felt like a jerk hiding behind a phone doing it, but the best laid plans, ya know?) and the best I came up with was, "uh...I'm just...not readytobeinarelationshiprightnowkthanksbye."

I have to admit I kind of wanted to see the other two LOTR movies on his 50-inch TV before I did that, but oh well.

Cassee said...


Oh my gosh my face is melting. That's too hilarious.

Cait said...


Anonymous said...

Oh dear, poor Brittney! She sounds like she has a lot of self hatred :( I hope things work out for her, that she can find love and peace in her life. I think you might be giving yourself a little too much credit with the "break up" after all Brittney did most of the work. Once you actually had a chance to talk to her on your own you took Jake with you, however you still took a step forward in learning how to break up like a real man :) Hopefully you are able to find the perfect match soon. Good luck Calvin, I think your great! I wouldn't mind having a chance at your 90 day rule. I think I might be able to break it. You sound like my kind of guy ;)

Stevi said...

ahh jeez. I was just talking with my roommate the other day about how (most) straight guys love when girls kiss and how weird that is and how we don't get it. So that is hilarious that you tell this story. Sounds like something out of a movie.

Alexis! said...

lol that's pretty funny, I wonder if it was planned. That's something I'd plan if I were pissed at a new ex haha.

Kelly said...

That will be burned in your brain forever! Did she succeed in making you jealous?

lifechick said...

As one of the 34 people who advised you to man up, I hereby claim 1/34th of the credit for this kiss, which inexplicably gives me a heady feeling of power.

But wow, with results like this, one could hardly blame you for breaking up with girls left and right, just to see...

Girl Meets Gun said...

I really hope they weren't drinking and driving.

I sorta feel bad for her, because she tried so hard to be an adult about everything but it backfired as soon as she decided to drink. :-/ Alcohol demolishes the good deeds you've done.

Good job on the face to face, though, even if you didn't initiate it.

20 Something said...

Oh geez, Gotta say thats pretty hilarious. Good job on the "facing the break up like a man" ha ha I guess it worked out for you.


Anonymous said...

Hahaha. That is funny! I am glad you will have that memory for the rest of your life.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I think Jake was right. I have always bought the adventures of your blog. This time I'm struggling with it. It sounds too much like something that would happen to Stifler than to a couple RM's in Salt Lake City.

Sure, when I read about your house going week to week chalking up more ass then Brad Pitt's character could from Thelma and Louise. I buy it, because I lived in a house like this and I've seen the pent up Mormon sexual tension released at high quantity in a levi lovin' smorgasbord.

When I hear the two of you share your feelings in a honest and extremely well written (especially for 21 year old's) way that reeks of a teenage girl target audience, I get sucked in because regardless of how big of ferry's you sound like, I've been there, I've felt it, I just don't share it.

But, two chicks making-out! I'm calling bullshit. I don't suppose the two or three people who claim to know who you are can back you up on this because it was a moment "no body else was there to see."???

Bishop Liz? Anonymous? Craig? anyone... because if this is BS, like it sounds, then I'm guessing everything else is, and if that's the case, I'm suddenly not as interested.

I'm a big big fan guys... but I need some reassurance.


Amy said...

Well I'm glad it is now officially over. But next time you're done with a girl, just make sure you confront her. It's your place to do that. And about the chicks kissing: ummmm wow. That's like, weird. Haha. And I'm not gonna call you a liar like the above commentor. Weird things like that happen to everyone. I had to witness two twins at my frikin high school making, really? They were TWINS! So weird. I believe you man. I guess most guys like seeing girls kiss each other, so it must've not been that bad huh? :]

(B) said...

You guys get more interesting with each post.

I hope your single life is filled with many more moments like that.

Miss Priss Morgan said...

#1 What is it with girls kissing... eww

#2 I'm glad things went "mostly" ok with the breakup... but in all fairness, and I mean this in the nicest way, can you really claim the "man" title when you didn't really overcome your breaking up issue??? I know it's hard to do, but you have to do it at least once before you can fully claim the "man" title. HA ha

Anonymous said...

yeah, you're definitely only 21. and, let's clarify, 21 does not equal man. give yourself a few more years. you'll get there...hopefully.

Ash Att said...

hahaha, that is hilarious! i was reading this outloud to my roomates and we all screamed when she kissed her roomate. blah! how sicknast. poor roomate girl, unless thats how she swings then good for her. but can i just say how much i freaken love your blog, im getting my roomates addicted too. good to go

Karin Katherine said...

I am so glad that I'm married with four kids and never have to worry about resorting to making out with a girl to get back at a guy that dumped me. I'm dating myself, but in my dating life you just did things like cry in your apartment, or trash him to all your girl friends on the telephone or cry on the poor shoulder of the guy you didn't like who thought you were the best thing since sliced bread until the poor fellow cheered you up and you found someone else.


What a story.
Have I mentioned I'm so glad I'm married with four kids?

Ew, just remembered this chick is a mom with two kids. TACKY

Anonymous said...

i don't get why guys think girls kissing is so hot.


anna said...

her poor roomate, being used just to get you turned on!

this won't be the last time you see her...just mark my words. i'm pretty sure i know this brittany better than you do.

Paula said...

Haha, one of my girlfriends insists that by kissing each other we will ward off all the guys (by making them believe we prefer girls to them) at the club/party.

It hasn't worked just yet, but she's convinced it will someday.

ps. good on ya for not hanging up on Brittany when she called

That Chick said...

HAH. wow.

reading this, i laughed, i cried. thats a lie. I just laughed. long and hard..............thats what she said.

oh sitcoms. how your plots seem to find their wayninto our lives, i shall never know.

Anonymous said...

Chloe and other confused ladies,

There is nothing to get. We see girls kissing and we get a hard on. There is no why, there is nothing going through our head. We just know we are aroused.

Aroused good.

-Helpful Gent

Anonymous said...

People do stupid things when they Get drunk. I believe these guys.

Bishop Liz

brie said...

Hi C

First off, I *am* a chick, but I HATE it when chicks do the whole "oh yeah, no problem" thing, and then in a few hours while they've had time to stew and talk to their girlfriends and get hormonal, they decide to get re-pissed. I mean, being a girl, I still don't get that kind of behavior!

And...what was up with the whole chick makeout scene? What was she trying to accomplish other than giving you and A one more thing to put in your spank bank? I'd have given anything to see that, seriously! (But not to put in my spank bank, just to cackle at.)

PS -10 pts for being a wussy and needing man backup to go out and talk to her. But +50 for trying to reason with the crazy/lesbian/overly sexual/but I'm sure she has a sweet spirit chick.


whyimstillsingle said...

I'm proud of you, Cal.

But mostly, I'm entertained by the number of commenters who can't believe that this could possibly happen. In Utah (Utah!) no less!

I'm not trying to hate on Utah here--it has a lot to offer. But it is truly another world.

f1trey said...

.......... dude?.........did I NOT call this right??........dude? ...did I not say you were supposed to send me some confirmation that I had called this right??????? wheres my call??? wheres the love??? a savior in his own land.......gets ignored...... xxx peace dawg

AngelaBeth said...

I SUPER believe it. But glad that you aren't "with" her anymore. That's a little too crazy, even for me. And that's saying a lot because I've kissed girls before! Never to "get back" at a guy.. because he obviously is going to like that.. just during Spin the Bottle. Did I just say that on a Mormon blog? OOPS. :P

AngelaBeth said...

Whoops, you signed off my chat suuuper fast. But you're welcome. Also.. thought I should clarify that I'm LDS too. heh