Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Light Switch

I like to think I'm an average guy. Average 21 year old. Average Mormon. Average returned missionary. Average looking, even. So it's comforting to think that I'm probably pretty average when it comes to my relationships. I don't date girls for longer than three months. It's not something I do purposely. I don't keep a calendar under my bed where I check off days during a relationship. I don't make a 90 day paper chain after a first date and rip off one paper ring every day and then break up with her on Day 90. I just mean, typically, three months is all a girl gets out of me. Usually less, but my more serious relationships last 90 days.

The oddest part about my "90-day-maximum" thing, is that my feelings don't slowly fade out like a lot of people. In MY relationships, it's like a light switch. There have been times where I've been really into a girl at 8pm when our date starts, and then at 9:30 pm, the switch goes off and I'm done. I'm literally done. I'm SO done, in fact, that I can't even finish the date with a smile on my face. I'll force myself to suffer through the next 3 hours and then I'll start my breakup process of avoiding telephone calls and such.

I haven't done the math or anything, cause I'm pretty lazy and I hate math, but there's no way I'm even close to 90 days with Brittany. I'm at MAYBE six weeks... tops. Brittany invited me to her brother's birthday party on Saturday. Except, about halfway to his house, Brittany told me that it wasn't actually his birthday, he was just celebrating his "half birthday". I asked why, but she didn't have a decent answer. Pretty much all of his reasons equate to "I'm stupid and I need to create fictitious reasons in order to feel comfortable inviting all of my friends over to my house." It was an unbelievably boring party. It was 30 of his friends... 25 of which Brittany also knew, and then me. All of the guests were only about 5 to 7 years older than me, but I felt young and stupid anyway. Nobody went out of their way to include me and I didn't care enough to make any sort of effort, either.

After the party was over, we went over to Brittany's house to watch a movie. Her roommate was there and invited over her guy friend (I don't even know his name). I guess he's a computer guy or something and he had a pirated copy of The Proposal. I missed the first 30 minutes of the movie because Brittany kept whispering stuff in my ear. Like flirty stuff. I was getting pretty irritated and I tuned out most of what she was saying until I heard her whisper something about her co-workers making fun of her. I peeled my attention away from the movie and asked her to repeat what she'd said. She said, "All of my co-workers make fun of me." I asked why and she said, "Cause I'm the only girl in my office whose boyfriend refuses to have sex." Oh geez. Whatever, Brittany. "Are you trying to make me feel guilty for not having sex with you?" "No," she replies, "I just feel like there's something wrong with me."

As close as I can pinpoint, that's when the light switch went off in my brain. It was like a combination of her crappy brother, his crappier party, her interrupting my movie, and then trying to make me feel guilty for not putting out. I rolled my eyes and decided to tough out the rest of the movie, go home, go to bed and try to put Brittany out of my mind forever.

Then something funny happened in the movie and Brittany poked my belly button, like, "Ha ha. That was funny wasn't it?" I told her not to poke my belly button. (It's one of my pet peeves. It doesn't tickle at all. It just kind of hurts.) Well, apparently Brittany didn't hear me cause about 10 minutes later, she did it again. I swatted away the offending digit and told her to "knock it off". She apologized and seemed surprised. I whispered, "I told you not to do it and then you did it again." She said, "I didn't hear you." Which is very possible, I guess.

She asked me what was wrong about 10 times between then and when I finally got out of there a couple hours later. She called me a ton on Sunday which I didn't answer. She only tried twice yesterday morning, but that's it. It seems like she's getting the hint quicker than most girls.

I know it shouldn't be funny, but it kind of is: Brittany probably thinks I broke up with her because she poked my belly button... twice.



Alexandra said...

Sorry, but I don't understand why you stop answering phone calls when you want to stop seeing a girl instead of making a quick, clean break of things. And I'm really non-confrontational.

Alexandra said...

Also, belly button-poking is kinda...weird. I'd totally dump someone over that (I'm joking, I swear.).

That Chick said...

I definitely laughed at that last part.

Though I do think that this will be a good thing... especially because of what she said about her co-workers. Lame. Thats like, the absolute worst way to make someone want to sleep with you, is tell them you feel like there's something wrong with you for it. Fail, Brittany. Fail.

You will go on to better things, dear Calvin. Things that don't whine at you for not sleeping with them.

Billy Reano said...

Awesome! Anyone who celebrates half birthday's is kinda weird anyway.

f1trey said...

yep...light switch off...girl goes home.....those riggers are bizzare and irreversable..........a girl tells me she loves country music and im wheeling the car around......

The Reed Family said...

Why do you date girls with no standards?

Steven said...

That is a pretty funny way for things to end. I don't know your usual type.. but Brittany just seemed like a weirdo the entire time. You must have just thought she was really hot or something.

I guess you're on to bigger & better things.

Nate said...

Glad to see you are coming to your senses, Calvin. Move on and find someone who is a better match (although it would probably be a better plan to actually break up with a girl when you are breaking up instead of just avoiding her).

As for the poll question, this blog is entertaining because you guys can hide behind some false sense of anonymity. I have to imagine there are more than a few people who have figured out who you guys are though. Ever since I stumbled onto this blog, I have been entertained - and quite grateful that I am married and don't have to deal with all the dating drama anymore. But my first or second thought is this has the makings of the cheesy Hollywood romantic high school comedy when one of you two finally meets someone you want to spend eternity with and she feels the same about you. Then you will tell her about this blog or she will find out about it somehow, read through it, feel ashamed/hurt/embarrassed about everything that you guys put out there for public consumption. There will be a fight/break-up scene, tears and soul-searching by both parties, and assuming a Hollywood ending, ultimate reconciliation. At least that is how I would write the screenplay.

I guess you guys need to determine if that is how you want that stage of your future relationship to go. As an entertained reader, I hope you continue to give us your brand of brutal honesty. But if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be writing this blog for two reasons:

* Things last forever on the Internet.
* Sooner or later, you will meet your future wives and they will likely find out about your blogging activities.

I haven't seen any indication that you guys have thought that far ahead, so I would encourage you to at least think about things in those terms.

As I said, I think you are both talented writers and I enjoy checking into the blog and reading about the drama I am glad to have left behind (for at least a better set of drama). I just want to make sure you guys know what you are doing.

OK, I will go back to being a silent reader. There are too many other crazies that have been commenting on your posts! ;-)

- Nate

kelleidoscope said...

You wouldn't want a girl that makes those kinds of comments to you anyway. The one about her coworkers..who does that?
Nevermind- the answer to that is obvious. But I'll just say I think you're better off without this one!

whyimstillsingle said...

Just recently stumbled across your blog. It's been a lot of fun to read. I admire your guys' brutal honesty--it's quite insightful! And genuinely funny.

I totally know what you mean about the light switch just turning off. It happens to me more than I'd like to admit.

Brittany sounded like a dud so I'm glad you're rid of her. On the other hand, however, I think your relationship was beyond the point where you can pull a fade-out like that. Don't get me wrong. I love a good fade-out when it comes to not-quite-there relationships. But I think a simple, "Hey, this just isn't working out" would be more appropriate.

Just my 2 cents. Keep 'em coming!

Girl Meets Gun said...

First and foremost, you need to pick up the phone and break up with girls. Or text them, or even (gasp!) meet up with them to tell them. It's just not right how you do it. And it's very unmanly.

Second, while I was reading this post, it reminded me of the book The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. Ever read it? Well, if you haven't, let me give you the run down:

Esther is a girl fresh out of college and starts to feel like she has lost interest in the things that she used to like. She was in love with Buddy for so long, then suddenly, a LIGHT SWITCHED OFF and she no longer liked him and could pick out the tiny things that really annoyed her about him.

Esther was also severely depressed and manic, and tried to kill herself.

Not saying that you are either, but it still sounds like you may need therapy. I'm not a professional, and I'm not judging you based on a book, but by myself, because that's how I found out I'm bipolar. Sylvia Plath also committed suicide at a young age, by sticking her head in the over.

Plus, when I read the end where you think it's kind of funny how the reason she probably thinks you broke up with her is her poking you in the stomach is kinda strange. I mean, yes, to an AVERAGE guy this would be funny.

But to a guy that can't commit to a girl longer than a 90-day period and has a problem breaking up with her directly, and all over something silly that she did or how crappy her brother is- it just struck me as a possible manic reaction. ...Don't take any of this the wrong way. But maybe you need to soul search a little more before you start dating any other girls.

Girl Meets Gun said...

I forgot to add the important part-

you write REALLY well. You get to the point and don't meander off and it's easy to read your blogs.

I think you need to just find a better fit, and that takes time.

Kristin Lee said...

I have that same pet peeve.

Making you feel guilty for not putting out is also a pet peeve of mine.

She seemed like a catch at first, but I guess in the beginning they always do.

By the way, I agree with Girl Meets Gun, you do write very well. I enjoy reading your posts.

Cait said...

Its about time Calvin!!

You should have just told her it wasn't working for you though.
Fade-outs are only appropriate with people you've only met a few times.

But, honestly, congratulations!

Summer L said...

I agree it is about time!!! The fact she even mentioned what her co workers said shows that she was definitly not respectful of you at all and she was most likely hoping to get a different response out of you.

As for the whole not talking to her...sometimes that's the best way to go. I think it depends on the individual and as a girl, I would probably be a bit upset if a guy did that but at the same time, we're all different and I am sure I've done that to a guy at some point somewhere..

Kalina said...

I say good riddance even though I still think you should do a clean break up and just at least text or email her that things are over.

I can't respect a girl who invites a man she's never met to her house (even though you mentioned you talked tons of time on the phone) when her kids are sleeping and then makes out with him while they're in the next room.

Anonymous said...

I'm just waiting for Nikki to comment. Can't wait for what she has to say and who she wants to cuss out.

Amy said...

I don't think anyone here ever liked brittany, not that who WE like is who you should date. So I'm glad you're done with her. Just my little opinion.

And so I'm just wondering, if your relationships with someone are 90 days at the most, should a girl REALLY even bother with you? haha. Not that you have to settle down right now...you're still young. But hopefully you'll find someone along the road who you can be with for much longer...like, for eternity. tee-hee. :]

Amy said...

a side note....do you guys even read these comments??

Stevi said...

Guess i can't poke everyone in the belly button that I wanted to.....People don't like that? haha. jk

Final straw on that relationship.

Anonymous said...

Calvin I gained a lot of respect for you from this post. It was good! and totally entertaining!

The Anonymous that said she liked Jakes posts better.

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha Anonymous at 6:28.

Seriously, the comment section is a lot different without Nikki and her cussing! I like it this way. ;)

Nikki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Nikki what's your problem?
Calvin had every right to do what he did after Brittany made that comment. I see NOTHING wrong with that. No one is Condemning Brittany..we are just glad that Calvin has morals!


Nikki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Taren said...

I could have told calvin she wanted to have sex from the second he mentioned the 2 kids part! durf! don't act so surprised. he put himself there.

p.s. the bi-polar comment was by far my favorite.

lifechick said...

I'm with the majority here who advise you to face break ups like a man. The whole avoidance thing is so passive. I do agree you were right to break it off, though.

As for the whole to blog vs. not to blog issue: I think as long as you want to, you should keep blogging. One assumes your future wife will want to marry you, meaning who you actually are -- not some edited, sanitized, non-blogging version of yourself.

P.S. For what it's worth, while the Plath comparison is interesing, you really don't strike me as someone about to stick his head in an oven lol.

Amy Robinson said...

do you boys have an email address?

i have a proposition.

Calvin said...

Ooooo... a proposition! I'm intrigued.


ps. Yes. We DO read the comments.

Anonymous said...

Calvin. you need to get rid of Nikki. She looks for the negative in EVERY SINGLE POST. It's starting to get really annoying

Bethany said...

I'm going to propose something that maybe nobody has thought about. Are you ready?

If you don't like Nikki's comments, don't read them.

Whew. Is everybody ok? Kind of a shocking suggestion wasn't it?

Here's a tip: As you're reading through the comments, if you see the name "Nikki", scroll down until you see the next comment. If the NEXT comment also says "Nikki", skip that one, as well.

Good luck everyone.

Kelly said...

Okay I understand that you guys are young and sowing your wild oats and all, but really, someone who you have been that intimate with for however many days deserves an official break up.

I find it pretty shallow of you to let her think two belly button pokes and you're outta there! I guess that puts an interesting spin on how deep the relationship really was.

It was doomed from the start, but she deserves better from you.

BTW- this post was hilarious! (Shallow of me?)

FictionGroupie said...

Please call the girl for the break up. Don't be a wuss and do the hiding thing. That's not right.

And belly button poking is just wrong and uncalled for.

jaime said...

I think you guys may have some issues...so do the girls you date...and so do your commentators...excluding me of course! :-)

(B) said...

You're 21, right? I'd say your behavior is pretty on point for the average 21 year old guy (minus the sex part).

But, I should hope that eventually you learn to BREAK-UP with girls instead of just avoiding them. Don't get me wrong, hearing about the avoidance makes for an interesting read, but...it's pretty inconsiderate. No matter how awful the girl turns out to be.

By the way, you TOTALLY got yourself into the withholding-sex conundrum. And, I also agree with Nikki in regards to holding you accountable for your own actions instead of just calling Brittany a slut.

However, I'm not Mormon so it's hard for me to comprehend why everyone thinks making-out horizontally or whatever it is that you did is so bad anyway.

20 Something said...

It's probably better you guys broke up. The fact she probably thinks its over poking you in the belly button. . . . Priceless.

I think she may deserve at least a text telling her what really happened. But I found this hillarious.

Anonymous said...

From reading some of the girls comments on here.... it's obvious to me why you break up the way you do!!

Steven said...

For the record,Calvin never called Brittney a slut. That was the commentors.

Joshua C said...

"I'm with the majority here who advise you to face break ups like a man". Funny.

Kalina said...

Women can be just as bad in not facing break-ups. It has nothing to do with being a real man or being real woman.

It is the decent HUMAN thing to break up with a person and let them know where they stand. It is the decent thing to do.

Anonymous said...

Ok so I dont want to be a traitor to my gender or anything but I'm a girl and thats the way I break up... I mean its just easier eventually the guy gets the hint... Plus I think the whole belly button thing was kind of creepy not gonna lie... So way to go! haha!

anna said...

in my opinion, you got away before this one got ugly.

and i'm pretty sure she's not naive...she's smart enough to know that if you don't answer her call within a couple days, it's over.

nice work.

The Singlutionary said...

I should have broken up with my last boyfriend after he bit me the first time. If it happens once, it'll happen again. For sure.

This blog is hilarious!

Anonymous said...

I think you're really lame... I'm glad you later decided to man up.. but I think you're still borderline retarded... she expressed and insecurity about herself to you... and you made it about you, and made it out to be as if you were being attacked by her in some way. I think its sad you couldn't recognize that.

Whats even more sad is she later apologized for being forward. Its not like she asked you to have sex, you just interpreted it that way. She obviously was seeking a solution to imtimate 'problems' you two were having.. and you made it all about you.

Now I'm not saying she's not crazy...cause it pretty much sounds like she is. But I think your an idiot for dating her in the first place, when its obvious the two of you didnt want the same thing in the end. I mean seeing you take on the responsibility of two kids with your level of maturity.. well thatd be a reality show in the making... yes you are that pathetic sounding.

Rissy said...

I just found your blog and am reading from the beginning. I have enjoyed every post so far but after this one I felt inclined to say "Bravo Calvin! Good for you!"

Whitney Haddock said...

okay, i love ya'lls blog to no end... and I know i'm a little late jumping on this train and all, see that the post was in august or something. But Calvin you CANNOT do that to girls. If you stop liking them at least tell them that before you ignoring them - that is just kind of rude you know? Though i do have to say, props on on the light bulb effect- she was clearly only after your balls and doesn't value the things you do...

Mills said...

Okay, so I know this is an old post, but I saw a freakin' funny video on youtube that reminded me of whey you posted this way back when. Also, I think this should become the MBP anthem. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iSlPoQm2XY&feature=related