Friday, October 16, 2009

Don't Text to Strangers

Andrea update: I successfully avoided her at work for the past week, (I know, I know, like a coward) I will no longer have to worry about that because I was laid off yesterday.

The weather has been so nice that this is probably the last week that I'll be able to ride my motorcycle before it ends up in the garage. So I drove it up to institute last night. Which was for the most part uneventful. None of my roommates came and I didn't see anyone I knew and wasn't feeling extremely outgoing.

When I got out to my bike to leave there was a sticky note on my gas tank. My first thought was, Uh oh, someone hit my bike. Luckily the note read, "I love a man on a motorcycle, text me cuz I'd love a ride." It was signed Judy, and had her phone number. I was curious to be sure. I thought, cute girls don't do this sort of thing, she must be desperate. Then it occurred to me that the confidence required to leave a note and phone number on a strangers bike might mean just the opposite. She could be extremely confident.

I rode home and mused further on the note. Things ran through my head like, "Where'd she get a sticky note anyway?" and "I'm not an attractive enough guy that girls just approach me, maybe this was a trick by someone. A roommate or someone from my ward at institute." I got home and decided to humor my curiosity... for all I knew this could be my future wife. So I texted her. Here is the conversation:

(I have not edited the spelling or grammar whatsoever, these are the actual texts. I thought about translating hers but I figured I'd let you have as much fun as I did. Tip: Reading them out loud helps)

JAKE: Hi, you accidentally left your sticky note on my bike.
JUDY: lol ya I sawu when I pulled in2 institute I wanted2 say hi butu wer gone soi left that note.
(it took me a minute to comprehend what I was reading, she sent another text before I had a chance to respond)
JUDY: Whats yr name
JAKE: Why it's Jake. Jake Sirname.
(about 12 minutes pass)
JUDY: Rad2 meetu Jake i sawa pic ofu nur really cute so that even makes it better
JAKE: Where'd you see a pic?
JUDY: I checkdu out on face book
JAKE: How do I see a pic of you?
JUDY: Il sendu some right now k
(I recieved 3 picture texts. She was brunette. The pictures were such, that her attractiveness could've gone either way. She was obviously taking the pictures herself, in the good ol' myspace kissy face pose from above. They were dimly lit and grainy, I couldn't make out a lot of feature details. I was hoping her pics would blow me away because in just the last 20 minutes that we were texting I was finding her text style extremely irritating. I mean I'm a bad speller and terrible at grammar, but at least I try. Her third picture was from the knees up. the pic was so tiny and grainy all it confirmed is that she wasn't fat. Possibilty of annoying? High. Possibility of fat? Low. They don't really cancel each other out... but I continued.)
JUDY: Sorryi dont takea very good pic idont look as much asa dork in person lol
(Lance and Nick came home and I regaled them with the nights events and about an hour went by while we talked and watched baseball.)
JUDY: Heyu where did ya go?
JAKE: Sorry, watching baseball. Got the pics, not too dorky. So tell me a bit about yourself?
(I then recieved a text which my phone automatically broke up into 5 texts!)
JUDY: Its cool sou like ball thats cool soil b29 nov7th im waitin4a job2 open up@ the u of u fora cardiology tech soi quit my job awhile back when my sister n her hubby hada baby he had2 go back2 work right away soi helped her outa lot soi live with my parents i had2 move ini couldnt afford rent without workin while i took care of my sis n her baby she was not well@ having ethan soi had2b their alot but alls good now soim hanging out waiting4a job2 open up iluv2b active workout camping dancing im gonna start taking acting classes iluv2 watch tv movies funny movies spooky ones2 iluv boating i wanna geta 4 wheeler really bad iluv2 talk alot get2 know other people get2 gether witha buncha people ndo whatever just hangout tell me@u
(I was reeling, there was no way this was real, Lance suggested that maybe Calvin was pulling one over on me. I read it outloud to the roomies and a couple of girls who came over to play Wii. Everyone agreed that IF she was real that I should at least meet her. She could be hot, and if not it would be a good story. I again didn't respond for about an hour.)
JUDY: so tell me@u
(after 20 mins with no response)
JUDY: so tell me@u
(another 5 minutes)
JUDY: Heyu where didu go? tell me @u
(About then Calvin arrived home. He assured me it wasn't him. While I was telling him the story I got two more texts)
JUDY: didu go2 bed?
(after 10 minutes)
JUDY: heyu its only 11 ru in bed if yr not tell me@u
(I decided right there that that was it, I was not going to meet this girl she was clearly a fruit cake. However my audience begged me to continue the conversation and I obliged them.)
JAKE: About me. I'm 21, stunning in blue, I like Sour Patch Kids, the smell of gasoline, and I love soccer...
JUDY: i luv soccer very much so dou play soccer2 id luv2 watchu play what dou do4 work? send me some pics ofu?
JAKE: There's like a 100 pics on facebook?
JUDY: I dont have an account on face book soi cant c all yr pics so takea pic with yr phone silly n wear sumthin blue
JAKE: Ha ha, my phone doesn't have a camera. (LIE)

JUDY: Suck so when ru going2 take me for a ride withu on ur hot bike
JAKE: I'm winterizing it tomorrow, too bad, we will have to wait till spring. I'll talk to you then.
JUDY: lol right yr going to wait2 spring o ur so funny
(I was done. I had a headache from translating her gibberish into English and felt I had sufficiently entertained my roommates and guests. She sent me 6 more texts that night, asking where I was and stuff. I changed her number in my phone to "Don't Answer4")



Bekah said...

um.brilliant. she was 14 by the way..only 14 yr olds text like that

thx 4 shring ur stori

Anais said...

I'm so glad miss busy bee lauren has endorsed your guys' blog. I'm not gonna lie, I couldn't even make it half way through that 5-page text of Judy's...hahaha this absolutely made my day. So, thank you.

Busy Bee Lauren said...

I love the smell of gasoline. I hope you weren't joking because then I would be so embarrassed that I confessed that on the internet.

Anyway...this girl is 29? Or did I read the text wrong? Which could have been slightly possible...but only slightly.

Um. How does she not know that "@" means "at" and not "about"?

"Tell me at you!"

"Tell me at you!"

"Tell me at you!"

Holy mother...I am going to have a head ache today.

Question: Has she texted you today?

Busy Bee Lauren said...

Oh my mistake...she will be 29 on Nov7th.

How silly of me.

Erica said...

Aw... I met a guy that texted the same way and just as repetitively. The two should meet up! They'd be perfect together. He's listed as 'Creeper' in my cell.

Anonymous said...

I too was brought here by the "Busy Bee Lauren effect"(which is even cooler than the "Oprah effect"). Great blog and great post! I can't wait to keep reading.

Haley said...

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm she sounds like a keeper....
I seriously had to read her texts out loud in order to understand them.

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine why she's still single.

Ivy said...

crazy chic! I know short hand txt'ng is the thing to do but, Oh man that is bad. She should care more. Glad you named her 'don't answer'.
Lauren.... tons of people don't know that @ is at. I discovered this at work... crazy and annoying if you ask me.
Oh, and a tidbit for fun. There isn't an 's' on the end of anyway. I didn't see that here but thought I would share just the same since grammar came up. Several people at work would type 'anyways'.... drove me nuts.

Marissa said...

There's no way she's 29. Perhaps 9 might be more accurate.

By the hideousness of her first text, I would've been over it already. But then again, that's just me. The least she could do was have the courtesy to spare you the headache of deciphering her message. Maybe she was drunk.

PS - Thanks for checkin' out my blog. I'm honored you commented. No, really.

whyimstillsingle said...

So who are the other 3 "Don't Answers"?

Alexandra said...

I seriously gave up on trying to read that. I'd go nuts if someone texted me like that...but then again, I use proper punctuation and always spell out my words when I text, so I might be one of those weirdos.

Anyway, that is pretty funny that she'd be willing to do that. And yeah, you ride a motorcycle? You should probably bump up your attractiveness rating by a point or two.

That sucks that you got laid off.

Anonymous said...

ahhh i hate when people text like that! that is a hilarious story though. wow. i think it would have been pretty funny to be there while this was going on. you guys are hilarious. i love it!

Becs said...

This is my theory...She knows who you mormon boys are and she knows about your blog. So she wanted to be a part of it. So she decided that she would leave a note and then she would act all crazy over text. When she sent those mass texts talking about her work, family, and life, she knew what she was doing. Even the whole annoying grammar was meant to annoy you and give you a headache. Right now, I bet she is laughing on her couch eating cheetos as she is reading your interpretation of the story on your blog.....but that's just a theory.

Nicole said...

Oh wow! What is wrong with this girl? This is VERY jr. high, high schoolish, and even for that a desperate attempt! hahaha so funny!!! My favorite part though, is how many girls I know that are like this...and how many guys fall for it.

Amy said...

Sorry you were laid off :(

and Wow...Wutta messed up chick. hahaha.

B careful not2 run in2 herat institute. Shewill nver letu leave.

Cassee said...

WEEEEE, what a catch.

Yeah, I was already turned off by the time you got your 5 page text. I didn't even read it.

Mormon Bachelorette Pad said...

One of your best posts, guys. Nice work. You had me laughing!!! :)

kelleidoscope said...

29 year old cardiology tech living with her parents. I don't know, she sounds like a winner to me.

Haylee Abney said...

Bahahahah. that was so hilarious. but there's no way that could have been for real!!

Scott said...




Houston, we have another crazy.

Kristin Lee said...

I don't know if you make this crap up but it's freaking awesome.

I can't get over how funny that is. But you have a bike? That is hot. Haha.

Sticky note though? That seems like creeper status. But then again I guess so would like waiting around for you...BUT so is Facebook stalking you.

lifechick said...

Maybe she carries the sticky notes at all times, just for the purpose of unleashing gibberish text attacks on unsuspecting young men.

Autumn said...

Wow. That's all I can say. I would have stopped texting her after I read the first text. But, then again, I always type out all of my words, and put in commas so that might be why. You have a freaking creeper stalking you. And you thought you had found you're future wife. Dang. I have a guy I could hook her up with! Did the exact same thing to me, only he had a little bit of grammatical intelligence.

Good post guys! Keep em coming!

Alisha said...

Holy cow she is crazy.

So I came over on the Busy Bee Lauren Effect also. Am I still allowed to read this even if I'm married?

Bethany said...

I found this blog through Busy Bee Lauren as well. This might be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! What a creeper?!? I wonder how many times its going to take for you to ignore her for her to get the hint to not text you guess is a lot!

Nalvy07 said...

All I can say is...eew.

She certainly knows how to make someone sick and dizzy by reading her texts

Allison said...

She is... crazy. And annoying. And please make her shut up.

Grand Pooba said...

Uh oh does this mean there are 3 other "no answer"s?

Kait said...

See? This is what happens when you dump a nice girl!

Just kidding. That is hilarious...I can't believe you let it go on as long as you did. On the plus side, no series of text messages can ever be that annoying again, right? It can't get worse than that!


Blazzer said...

Brilliant post Jake!

She wasn't even consistent. @ meant "about" and "at". "Your" could have been yr or ur. Had you made up this story I think you would have been careful to be consistent... ha how daft!?

Also, no anonymous commenters! Did you notice, it's quite refreshing. Good job lads.


Anonymous said...


Julia said...

She is going to kill someone. That story could be right out of a horror movie. Next step, you will find sticky notes on your front door, or window. I'm freaking myself out just thinking about it.

Brenn said...

don't answer4? that means there are 3 other unlucky girls who won't get to talk to you anymore.... i smell a story!!

Mauri said...

So, I'm arriving here also from Busy Bee Lauren & I pretty much love your blog. I read a ton of your posts last night.

Ok seriously, who texts like that? It doesn't even make sense. That had to have taken her a long time to write them.

Cyd said...

Do guys like when girls leave them notes? I have thought about leaving one before but I always feel like its silly...

Miss Priss Morgan said...

Are we sure this is not one of Andrea's friends &/or Andrea playing a joke?

If this is in fact a 29 year old girl, I'd be frightened... and find another institute to attend!

The Boob Nazi said...

This. Is. Awesome.

HedaWood said...

I really thought she was saying she was a B29 bomber. Had to read that part again...seriously messed up.

Anonymous said...

Doesn't anyone find it odd that she didnt know his name, yet she was able to look him up on facebook...

Anonymous said...

You are still a douche and now, your boss knows it too.

Andrea is better off

Ash Att said...

OH MY, i had a headache just reading all that. i HATE when people text like that. well first of all they text gib, then if you dont answer back right away they keep texting you. dont worry this girl i work with texted me 17 times before i responded. some peoples kids these days..
ps i love your blog. and i love that you have a bike. thats hot. just say'in.

Anonymous said...

I just figured she looked him up on facebook in the 12 minutes it took her to respond after he gave her his name. No?

Brandon said...

sounds like she's lonely. and crazy. and a liar. but you should arrange a meeting and hide out just to see what happens.

eden said...

oh. my. painful. PAINFUL! it saddens me to know that there are people like this in the world.

Bree and Bryce said...

This blog is a riot! Love it.

Chatham said...

Be honest. The whole time she was texting that garbage, you were really thinking that this was going to make a great post ;)

You, sir, have a psycho stalker.

Natalie said...


"don't answer 4"

life is a beautiful thing.
winterizing. don't mind if i steal that.

"sorry, i can't go on a date. my shoes are winterizing. can't go barefoot o.O"

love it.

nikki said...

...i too want to know about the "dont answer"s 1-3.

give us the story man!

20 Something said...

ha ha ha brilliant!!!!

Anonymous said...

Rather than "don't answer4" why don't you just be straight up and say "I'm not interested". It's so much more manly than stringing her along...but, clearly, you are starved for attention.

I dated many a douche like you so I feel sorry for the poor girls who know you (or according to YOU throw themselves at you).

Trust me on this... you'll know your wife when you see her. You don't need to have such a large pool of girls to string along. It aint right (or attractive).

The Grounded Drink Lady said...

Wow...that hurt! Good idea to block that chick!

Anonymous said...

How is that she didn't know your name, but was able to look you up on Facebook? Did you call her on that?

heidi lou said...

Dude, she's brilliant. I'm carrying around sticky notes from now on.

But seriously. this girl on my facebook talks like that, and everytime she updates her status, I want to punch her in the face.


Ryan Hadlock said...

BEST POST YET, I am laughing uncontrollably in my office right now. Just awesome. Though her texts gave me such a headache that it now hurts to laugh. Sweet. :-D

If you really play soccer, you should come out and play on Saturday mornings. You got my name, look up the Gen-x soccer group on FB and sign up. Oh, and wear something blue hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

amy j. said...

I think it's safe to say she falls in the desperate category & not the confident one.

Lovers Of Hatred said...

i know a guy that is probably Judy's soulmate. so, we should play matchmaker. he'll b30 in nov sumtyme.

Katie said...

Quite possibly my favorite post...People actually text like that? That really just gave me a headache. Definitely sounds like a keeper to me...

caitsheaaaa said...

hahahahaha i cant stand when people text me like that. I really liked your little bio that you sent her back though, same as me except its red not blue and im 19 not 21 :)