Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Tearing Up

You know that feeling you get when you first see a police officers lights in your rear view mirror?

I was sitting in Claire's living room when my phone starts ringing the "Hungry Eyes" ring-tone that Andrea sent me as a joke months earlier. [insert above described feeling here]

I look at the phone half hoping that it was someone else. Some other profile I may have accidentally attached the ring-tone to. Nope, it is Andrea.

Claire says, "Who is it?" I look at her, but don't really listen to what she says. Claire says, "Are you okay? Who is that?" I say, "It's Andrea." Claire gets excited and says, "Answer it, Dummy!" I nod, stand up and head for the door as I answer the phone.

Jake: Hello
Andrea: Heeeey... Jake.
Jake: Andrea?
Andrea: Yup.
Jake: Hi... it's been a long time.
Andrea: Yeah, not that long.

True. Andrea and I met less than a year ago. We dated for 3 months, broke up and now she is getting married to someone else in 3 days.

Jake: True. It feels like a really long time, though.
Andrea: Yeah...
Jake: ...
Andrea: You didn't answer with your full name. It... kind of... threw me off.
Jake: Huh...? Yeah... my bad.
Jake: ...
Jake: I wasn't quite prepared for this phone call.
Andrea: (half laughed) I know. I'm sure this is super weird.

I heard her laugh and I instantly start to feel myself tear up. Not like a Goose-died cry, but like the opening-sequence-of-UP teared up. I love Andrea's laugh. It was loud and awkward and beautiful. She was right. It was weird. I decide I need to take control of the conversation and talk faster to help quell the cracking in my voice.

Andrea: Sooo--
Jake: So lets just say it! Let's get it out first thing. You're right, this is super weird ...and awkward. It's not easy for either of us. Right?
Andrea: Yes.
Jake: So we don't have to say anymore about the weirdness... we know it's weird, but whatever right? We can just talk now like it's not weird... ...even though it is.
Andrea: That's a good idea. (I could envision the way she was smiling as she said that)
Jake: So, back to un-weird regular talk... I hear congratulations are in order? I hear you are tying the knot.
Andrea: Yep. Pretty soon.
Jake: Wow. Getting married? That's a big step.
Andrea: Yep. Getting married.
Jake: When?
Andrea: Saturday.
Jake: Holy cow! Soon? You weren't kidding.

I chuckle nervously. The conversation felt one-sided. It felt... me-sided. She was the one who called me. Problem is, if I don't take control of the conversation I will cry. The last thing I want is for her to hear me cry... again.

Andrea: Yeah, Saturday. It's been so crazy! Getting ready for it and everything.
Jake: So who's the lucky guy?
Andrea: His name is Adam (great I thought, if I just killed all the Adams of the world I might be able to get back all of the girls I screwed things up with) I thought you would know all this. I thought that you would hear everything through Aaron from Carla.
Jake: Yeah, I may have heard some stuff, but I want to hear it from you, you know?
Andrea: (laughs)
Jake: I never knew the guys name though I have always just referred to him as "Fireman"... or, sometimes "Evil Fireman".
Andrea: Oh I see. (laughs) Well, yeah, this week I am getting married to the "Evil Fireman". We are getting married in the Bountiful Temple. I am pretty nervous for that.
Jake: Oh the temple's nothing. No big thing... in fact, you will love the temple. I know it.
Andrea: Good. Yeah. I just hear so many things, you know?

I don't want to talk about the Temple. I am wondering why she called. If I wait for her to tell me it'll take forever. I decide to stop thinking so much before I speak and to just start talking.

Jake: So, do you love him?
Andrea: What?
Jake: Adam. Do you love him?
Andrea: Yes.
Jake: How did he propose?
Andrea: It was just a small thing he did at the top of Mt. Timpanogas. Just the two of us.
Jake: Ooh nice. Midnight hike?
Andrea: Yep.
Jake: So he steals my girlfriend, steals my midnight hike idea and then proposes to one while on the other.

I made sure to put a lot of sarcasm into that statement. When I found out he proposed to her on that hike (a hike which she had never done until we did it on one of our first dates), I started tearing up again. I hoped sarcasm could pull me out of it.

Andrea: Oh stop it! You broke up with me remember?
Jake: Yeah, I do remember.
Jake: ...
Jake: I remember everyday when I cry myself to sleep regretting it.
Andrea: Shut up, Jake.

I think I hear a small crack in her voice and she doesn't laugh. I was expecting her to laugh. Perhaps I wasn't the only one struggling to hold back tears. There was a bit of a pause as I think we both realize what we were talking about.

Jake: You love him though. You love Adam -- What's his last name?
Andrea: Walker.
Jake: Adam Walker. (pause) Andrea Walker.
Andrea: (laughing) It's a pretty good last name.
Jake: Yeah. You can name your kids Moon or Texas or something...
Andrea: (laughs big)

Again I find myself with nowhere to go. I had walked out of Claire's apartment complex and down the street nearly four blocks by now. I decide to try and say less and see where Andrea takes this conversation.

Andrea: So... are you dating anyone these days?
Jake: No. Not really. Just dating around... same old.
Andrea: Yeah.

Well that doesn't work too well. There is a moment of silence. I wonder if there was a purpose to this call or if she just felt obligated to do it by some... well I don't even know.

Jake: Tell me about this "love" you speak of?
Andrea: (laughing) What!?
Jake: You are in love with this guy. To a point that you feel like he is the guy you want to be with for time and all eternity.
Andrea: ...
Jake: That's a pretty big deal. A huge deal! I'm your friend, tell me about it? Tell me what I have to look forward to.

Andrea squirms a little. I imagine her adjusting her clothes and the way she was sitting on the other end of the phone because of how uncomfortable she felt.

Andrea: Well, I don't know. It's not the kind of thing I can describe very easily. It's just like a feeling that you... like... know.
Jake: Right. That seems to be the best explanation I can get out of everyone. Next thing you are going to tell me that I'll know when it happens to me, right?
Andrea: Well... gawl Jake, that's how it is. It's an indescribable feeling that you just know is there.
Jake: You have that for Adam?
Andrea: Yup. I do. (she laughs)
Jake: Well, that's awesome Andrea. Seriously, I envy you. Sure I am a little jealous that this Adam guy gets to marry you... but really, I envy a feeling of love for someone so strong that you want to marry that person.
Andrea: (nervous laugh)
Jake: I'm sure Adam is a great guy. I'm sure if you picked him that he deserves you.
Andrea: He really is a great guy, Jake. I sometimes wish things were different because I think you guys would really like each other.

Ah ha, I thought, I can finally find out why she called.

Jake: Is that why you called?
Andrea: What?
Jake: Um, I don't know, I thought there was one good point you were getting at... but I... can't think of it now.
Andrea: ...
Jake: ...
Jake: So... why did you call?
Andrea: Why?
Jake: Yeah, why? You are getting married in three days. I'm a little bit confused.
Andrea: Well, I don't know...
Jake: I mean, it's good to hear your voice and everything... It's great hearing your voice. But I'll be honest. It...
Andrea: You were my best friend for a long time, Jake. (Four months doesn't really constitute a long time... but okay) I have never been able to open up to someone like I have to you. I just felt like I needed to share this with you. To talk to you about it... Because we were so close.

Andrea started crying midway through that sentence. Which in turn made me cry. It also made me see that there was no real point to her calling. At least no productive purpose that I could see. I mean seriously, I wasn't going to talk to her about her romance with her new husband. Our friendship had been non-existent up until today.

Jake: Now you are making me cry. I... I am really glad you called. We were really close and if situations were reversed I'm sure I would want the same thing. (not true, but I felt like it was the right thing to say) I am honestly so happy that you are happy.
Andrea: Thank you... I really do miss you.
Jake: I know, me too. But... (I wipe tears from my eyes like that's going to make a difference) go on. Go be in love. Maybe it's because I don't have it, but "love" seems like a huge deal. Especially a love that you can commit to for eternity.
Andrea: I know. (she sniffs hard like she's done crying)
Jake: I'll find her one day, that girl that will make me as happy as Adam makes you.
Andrea: I know you will Jake.
Jake: Well, lets leave it at that for now, okay? I'll send a present along with Aaron, but... I don't think I'll be attending.
Andrea: Are you sure I--
Jake: Yeah, I'm sure. Thanks for calling. It means a lot.
Andrea: It went a lot better than I thought it would. You really are a great guy.

I should have said, 'tell that to the people who read my secret blog'. But then she'd probably notice the letter I posted for all to see and kick my butt.

Jake: Thanks. It's been good talking to you. (this is where I started crying again but tried desperately to hide it until the call was over.)
Andrea: You too.
Jake: Bye
Andrea: See ya.

I hang up and find myself in front of some Asian Market. I'm half way between my house and Claire's place. I decide to just walk home and think about the fact that I will likely never talk with Andrea again. Luckily it's getting dark so strangers don't notice my allergies acting up.

Jake

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ouch..:( Sorry to hear that :( That's definitely an emotional experience..

Jaraka Drew Hansen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DCFresh said...

I'm sorry Jake, that's rough.

I know it may sound lame, but perhaps everything happens for a reason. Maybe things with Andrea have gone the way they have so you can be better prepared when the right woman does come along.

Tomorrow is a new day, hope it is a better one for you

megan said...

These are my favorite kind of your posts. None of the who's making out with who, etc., but your actual thoughts and feelings. Nice work :)

Anna said...

JAKE.

Amy said...

Oh, Jake! Only MBP could make me get teary eyed and laugh at the same post. This is where I tell you "I told you so" even though my mom says I shouldn't say that to people. Closure is completely over rated and for drama queens.

I am at least proud of you for not calling her. Girls love a guy with allergies, but not too much allergies. I'm just saying..

Autumn said...

Wow Jake. This made me very emotional. I actually felt the pain you must have gone through from this end of the computer. I can only imagine how much that hurts. It hurts when you find out someone you love is dating someone, so I can only imagine having that person tell me they're marrying someone else. My opinion? She's not over you completely. She really isn't. She may say she is, but I doubt it. Not if she called you. I'm so sorry Jake. Keep your head up buddy.

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

I had this exact conversation last week, same temple and everything, except I didn't cry. I'm dead inside.

I sometimes wonder if the whole "you just know" line is just something people say to reassure themselves...

A lot of people "just know," then three years later just know they were wrong about just knowing.

Jade said...

Oh Jake... you made me start crying, and I'm serious, I really did cry. That had to of been so hard talking to her. I don't even know what to say about it. Just keep your head up Jake, you'll find that girl, she's out there somewhere, and she won't end up with an Adam, she'll end up with a Jake instead! :) But sorry dude....

S said...

Have you ever watched "(500) Days of Summer"?
This post reminded me of it.

Anonymous said...

She's not over you. And in a couple years when she finds out this guys completely wrong for her and he does something stupid and she divorces him, maybe you'll still be there to pick up the pieces.

Anonymous said...

She's not over you. And in a couple years when she finds out this guys completely wrong for her and he does something stupid and she divorces him, maybe you'll still be there to pick up the pieces.

Ashley Eliza said...

:(

Ashley Eliza said...

:(

TheSinglesWard said...

Sounds pretty typical. Guy screws up with girl, girl finds wrinkly fireman, guy cries and realizes he's single while girl is procreating with fireman.

Amy said...

I agree with Anonymous... She's definitely not over you. I don't know who to feel more sorry for, her or you. Because at least you're not entering into an eternal covenant with someone while you still have feelings for someone else. What the heck is that all about?? What a freaking b.

PS This blog is so good, so well-written I don't even know if I can believe it's genuine. I think it should be the basis for a movie. That would be so so great. Like 500 Days of Summer like someone mentioned above, but less obnoxiously-trying-too-hard-to-be-hipster.

Not to undermine your pain, of course. I'm sorry about your allergies.

Heather Guymon said...

That's really hard Jake. It totally made me sad =(

I know that she will find herself regretting this decision to marry Adam. Maybe not now or next year, but give her a couple years when there are kids, bills, and crap (literally, baby crap) piled on top of her, and the luster and excitement of the big day has worn off, and she realizes that marriage is more than just saying "yes" to someone for eternity. The fact that she called you tells me she isn't over you though...

What a tough spot. Kinda makes me glad I am NOT in the dating scene anymore quite honestly.

Kari Anne said...

So sorry Jake.

Candace said...

Way tough call, but I liked the honesty. Sorry J.

Anonymous said...

What's with everyone feeling sorry for him? He did this too himself. He could have married her. I'm sick of all these loser rm's who don't want to make the choice to grow up. Instead they want to play the field looking for the greener grass and then they end up 32 and alone whining about how hard it is. You should have realized what a great thing you had and committed yourself. What a douche.

Jayme said...

Anonymous 7:49 The reason why everyone is feeling bad for his is because yeah even though he was the one who broke up with Andrea, this is still a hard and rough thing to go through, especially since from a previous post it sounds like Jake has realized he's had chances with these girls like Andrea, Sanders, and he passed them up. So its a hard, sad, rough thing to go through.

Ok now Jake, I really don't like saying this, just because I'm sure it's hard for you to hear and it makes me feel bad for Andrea, but I have to agree with some of the previous posters. Andrea still has feelings for you dude, and I have a hunch that their still pretty strong ones. And since she said "You were my best friend for a long time, Jake. (Four months doesn't really constitute a long time... but okay) I have never been able to open up to someone like I have to you. I just felt like I needed to share this with you. To talk to you about it... Because we were so close." I'd say it's pretty safe to say her and Adam are close but he still hasn't made it to the point of closeness and trust that you were at with her. So I feel really bad for you, but I also feel bad for her because there's a good possibility that marriage is going to be rough for her because if she still can't open up to Adam like she feels she can with you, than she's going to need to develop that with him soon or yeah it'll be not so pretty.

Anyways that's more than I was planning on saying, but I'm sorry Jake that you had to go through all of that pain and hurt tonight. I wish I could help ya feel better, but I don't know how that'd happen. Keep your head up bud, things will start to look up for you...

Crystal said...

Oh man. You did really well there Jake. I'm proud.

That is so tough.

anon: 7:49 - Yeah, he was stupid for letting her go but that doesn't mean her doesn't KNOW that. And he seems to know it...just a little bit too late.

BeenThere said...

I actually think a lot of girls go through this. They wonder just before they get married if they're making the right choice. So out of curiosity or weakness they contact their ex-boyfriend. Part of her probably wanted you to tell her that you love her more than anyone could, and beg her to not go through with it. Chances are she would have listened. That's how it works out in the movies, anyway. But you did the right thing. She loves him, and she'll marry him. She might wonder for a long while what could have happened if she chose you instead. But one day, she'll realize that she truly is happy where she is. And she won't wonder anymore.

The same will happen for you, with someone else.

Anonymous said...

Oh Jake, I'm so sorry about that...makes me cry actually...

Confessions from a Mormon Maxi-Pad said...

Everyone has a person who is "the one who got away"...more than one actually. I don't think you are sad about losing her as much as the thought of her not being an "option" anymore. That is sad to not have a back burner girl.

Anonymous said...

I pop in from time to time to read your blog...I have my own opinion on if it's real life stories or not...but Jake...there might be a flaw with your story.

He proposed on the top of Timp? Unless they climbed the summit before November there's no way that happened. Only the die hard crazy people of the world would summit Timp in the winter...and the trail is usually closed to normal every day hikers until at least June.

Just sayin...

Anonymous said...

She's not over you Jake. She can't be.

It's WEIRD that she calls you, who she hasn't contacted in forever, a couple of days before the wedding, when her head should be filled with la-dee-dah and adamly-every-after, because you were such good friends and she feels like she can talk to you about things. It's weird. And probably has to do with second thoughts and nerves and the daunting concept of eternity... but couldn't she work out her issues with a close girlfriend. Or Adam?

I'm sure she'll be very happy with Mr. Fireman. But she still thinks you walk on water.

The Mormon Life said...

Who calls an ex a few days before their wedding? I don't care how close you were, if I found out my soon-to-be husband had called an ex three days before our wedding I would have been completely spooked.

Hopefully she just wanted some kind of closure? Weird.

Anonymous said...

Ugh, PLEASE get rid of the light-gray/dark-gray gradient thing for the background, at least in the text section. It's extremely hard on the eyes.

Anonymous said...

DUDE-

Been there! About a year ago, but things moved a little faster. Dated a girl for 3-4 months, found out the last month she was dating someone else under the guise of going to FHE and ward activities (we were in different wards). They were engaged 3 months later, married 2 more after that.

She told me just before she got married that she couldn't open up to her husband the way she could with me, and that she felt like she could be herself with me, but not him. She's happily married (I think, there hasn't been much contact).

You did the right thing Jake. Don't worry about it now. Just go on with your life and know that the best is yet to come. A year later I've met a new (better) girl and I couldn't be happier.

Kudos.

Anonymous said...

No one really does get over an ex, they just learn to deal with it.

Karli said...

Aw this made me cry. :( I'm sorry Jake.

Anonymous said...

@ Anonymous 1:15

That's a good point, it proves that the time is skewed by at least a few months, If this story is true, Andrea probably got married late-December to early-January.

There is a pretty small window to climb Timp without being an expert climber or to be in shape enough to climb about 5,000 ft. straight up a glacial flow. Considering Jake got the letter at the end of October, Fireman would've had about a week to schlep Andrea up the mountain before the trail head closes for the winter.

My guess? This blog is either completely fake, is accurate but really written by a pair of thirty-somethings who are most likely my roommates talking about the past, or this blog is real and the authors have skewed the dates of these events by about 4 months to guarantee their anonymity.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 11:46pm

One of the possibilities you left out is that the "Mt. Timp" detail might have been changed. For all we know, Jake could have taken Andrea to Ensign Peak on a date and he changed it to Mt. Timp for his blog story.

I think Blazzer said it best three months ago. And I quote:

"Everything that Calvin and Jake say on there blog is probably not true. Or maybe I am alone in thinking this, but put yourself in their shoes for a moment.

You Are concealing your identity, but want to write true stories about your lives without the people in your life knowing that you are writing stories about them.

So, you would change names. What else would you change? If it were me I would change things that would not alter the "truth" but change what my outward appearance was.

Consider Jake's story about Andrea. Things that would not alter the truth of that story are his eye color, hair color, what mission he went to, what his name is, what her name is, where he lives, where she lives, where he went to high school.

If I were Calvin and Jake, I would change every one of those things. They are all outward and identifying traits.

I think... and I may be wrong, that you cannot disqualify any suspect based off of the information that they are freely giving us.

Consider as you search that they may not have known they were going to be this successful, but they did know they were going to be writing personal stories about the people closest to them in their lives. I think its safe to say that they would try to change as many things that their very roommates would be able to identify them with.

Jake is probably named John served his mission in Australia has his birthday in July, went to high school in Logan plays baseball instead of soccer.

Calvin is probably tall with dark curly hair grew up in Sandy, blah blah blah.

I think we are all just being a little to narrow minded is all."

Great insights, I think.

Little Debi said...

Wow. She's definitely not over you. That was not cool of her to call you like that. My heart hurt for you while I was reading this post. I'm sorry Jake. :/

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 12:10

Great insights perhaps, but as an author a quite popular anonymous blog, you'd be amazed how much you'll throw people off by skewing the time frame of your posts by a year, or even just a few months. All you need is some deniablity room.

I wonder if you realize that, you are arguing the same point I was, I'm a little confused what your point was, were you really just arguing that you think that different facts were altered than the facts that I think were altered? Or did you just not read my comment all the way to the end?

Anonymous said...

Dude. Jake. We are twins.

Anonymous said...

This girl is not over you, and she is making a huge mistake by marrying this dude while she still carries a torch for you. sorry dude, it sucks for you. Maybe for her too, once she realizes she has settle.