Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Hot Anna and Equally Hot Annie

Sometimes things seem to go so smoothly I can't help but wonder if God has a hand in my life in a pretty obvious way. Not in a sacrilegious way at all. Last night I was totally on my game. We had a bunch of people over to play some Frisbee Football and have a barbecue. The turnout was spectacular. It's not like we had 200 people show up or anything... but I'm talking quality... not quantity. The usual girls were there, but there were several new faces... and luckily they were female faces. And attractive female faces.

When we got the the park, I did a quick gender head count. There were the six of us roomies, four other guys from the ward... all of which were better looking than me and total butt plugs. Actually, they might be pretty cool, but if a guy is better looking than me, he's automatically a butt plug. And there were 12 girls, four of which were ugly, five were cute... kinda, and three were pretty freakin' hot. One of the hotties was a regular, but the other two were people I'd never seen before. I had no idea who they came with, but it was obvious they were getting a lot of the attention from the other dudes. In situations like that, I find it works best to just hang back and let the aggressive guys bump wieners and cock block themselves into oblivion. Then, once they've sufficiently embarrassed themselves, I can casually walk by and interject something humorous into a one-upping contest already in progress. Then I just keep walking as though I have more important things to do than puff out my hairless chest and try to bounce my pectoral muscles at an alternating frequency... like the other guys.

When we started picking teams for Frisbee Football, it was obvious that the girls were unhappy about the process. Luckily, Jake and I had already planned ahead for this scenario since it has happened several times before. We'd already discussed with Aaron how it was going to work. As planned, Aaron shouted, "Ok, let's pick teams... how about if Calvin and Jake are the Team Captains." Jake and I separated ourselves from everyone else. Our preconceived strategy was simple. Instead of picking the strongest players first, thereby leaving the ugliest and least athletic girl standing alone by the end of the selection process, we'd decided to HONESTLY (and that is key) pick our teams in the exact opposite order. We had to do our best to select the least attractive and least athletic people first. It's awesome when it goes according to plan.

First Jake picks one of the awkward uglies who is genuinely shocked when she's the first person selected. Then I do the same. The best part about this whole process is watching the d-bag dudes who aren't in the loop. They're scoffing and sighing, obviously frustrated that they haven't been picked first... like they usually are. After all the girls were chosen, we moved on to the least athletic of the guys. The look on their faces is priceless. When it got to the last two guys (both of which are the most agile of the bunch) it was my turn to choose. I looked at them both for a few seconds. People I've already chosen are whispering suggestions as to who would be the best for our team dynamic and morale. After 10 or so seconds, I sighed and said, "You can have both of those guys." Jake yelled, "No way, man. You have to take one of them." Then I said, "Fine. I guess I'll take Trent." Then Jake looked at the last guy and said, "I guess that means you're with us."

Picking teams like that is almost more fun than actually playing Frisbee. And it's imperative that nobody ever knows why we've chosen that way. If you tell anyone, then it's equally insulting to the first person chosen. We just let them think what they want... but never tell them why we did what we did.

As luck would have it, Jake chose the two new hotties. It just happened to work out that way. Their names are Annie and Anna and they're best friends. Weird, I know. It was confusing as crap for the rest of us, as well. (Since Wednesday, we've been trying to figure out what to call them to make them easier to distinguish. Usually, we call people with the same name something easy to remember... like Ugly Annie and Hot Anna... but we were all stumped since they're both hot.)

After the game, we went back to our house and Tim fired up the grill. (Another reason I'm stoked to have Tim around is he kicks total "a" on the Q. The best part is, he knows he's good so we don't even have to ask him. He's just adopted it as one of his household responsibilities.) I talked to the regulars while simultaneously watching the jocks tripping all over themselves trying to get Annie and Anna to notice them.

After an hour or so, I started casually walking past their little huddle group to see if I could interject something absolutely hilarious that would make Annie and Anna want to run their hands through my leg hair. Every time I walked by, they were always telling mission stories or bragging about their part-time job at Hollister. So gay. Now that I think about it, I don't think I ever walked by and heard the girls talking. It was always the guys trying to outdo the other guys.

Jake was conversating with a few of the regulars including the ward hottie. I noticed he wasn't paying the hottie any exclusive or special attention. He appeared to be talking to all of them with an equal amount of interest. I made a mental note to do that in the future. That way the hottie would wonder why she wasn't getting oogled as much, thereby increasing her interest. It also makes the average looking girls feel special because they notice they're receiving an equal amount of flattery in spite of the more attractive presence. I silently wondered if Jake was going to make out with all three of them that night. I think he could have. Then Jake called me over.

I walked up to their group. Jake said, "I was just telling Jessie (average) about the first thing I do after I drop my date off at her house and I start driving home. I told her, but she doesn't believe me." I replied, "I think all guys do the same thing on their drive home after a really good date, don't they?" Jake and I have had this discussion several times and we try to incorporate it as often as possible in mixed company. Some may refer to this particular activity as Scripted Dialogue. Jake and I have a bunch of it. Jake says, "Well, after I drop my date off I-" I cut him off. "Wait. Just wait, Jake. Let's see if we're thinking the same thing. We'll say it at the same time." The girls start laughing.

Jake says to the girls, "Ok, one of you count to three." Jessie starts counting. "One. Two. Three!"

Jake (as fast as possible): Call my mom and tell her all about my date.
Calvin(as fast as possible): Pick my nose and wipe the boogers under the seat.

The best part about this dialogue is that we both speak so quickly and at the same time so it takes a couple of seconds for our answers to sink in. Once the girls were laughing sufficiently, I wandered away and tried my luck again with the other group. Nothing. The guys were still flexing their social muscles as best they could.

Then Annie (or Anna, I'm not positive) looked between two of the guys and made eye contact with me. I was standing against the opposite wall. She smiled. If there was any chance in the world that someone was standing behind me, I probably would have checked, but I knew it was just a wood paneled wall. She had to be looking at me. I didn't smile back. Instead I mouthed the words, "Are you ok?" I was trying to be as serious as I could. She smiled even bigger. She glanced up at one of the guys talking to her and I heard her say to him, "Oh, I'll bet." Then she looked back at me. I mouthed, "Are you ok?" I looked at the back of each of the guy's heads individually, then back at her. She smiled again, then scrunched up her face a little bit and nodded. I gave her a subtle thumbs up, winked and walked into the kitchen. I thought the wink might have been a little too much, but it was too late.

I didn't see much of her for the rest of the night, but I honestly felt like I made more progress with her in our 30 second exchange than those other guys did in four hours.

Calvin

17 comments:

Amber said...

Never underestimate the power of a wink!

krista said...

HEY! That's what I do after a date too. Ha!

Crystal said...

Ah winking. They do hold power.

TheSinglesWard said...

No arguing on this end. Guys are competitive, especially over the new hotties, and even more so if the hotties are best friends. They'll do whatever it takes to make the other guys in their presence look like tools hoping it gets them a little action.

As for the wink, it may have goten you further than Captain Cockblock, but it doesn't sound like it got them any closer to your leg hair.

Cindy said...

Jake was NOT conversating he was conversing. ConverSATING nor converSATE is a word. It's converSE or converSING

Kirsten said...

Again, I think to myself "Is this what dating is like in Utah??" and miss Az even though I haven't left yet. We have those d-bag Hollister types here, but they aren't as prevelant.... sigh....

Candace said...

I'm confident she enjoyed the exchange with you far more than the other guys 'wooing' her.
I'm proud, C.

megan said...

I like conversating better though, be it a word or not. haha

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

Hollister guys...

Are the the Loyal type or the Brand Whores?

I love to see a total "Bro" go through his rotation of Hollister, Tommy Hilfiger, and American Eagle shirts over and over.

Little Debi said...

Nice Calvin. Very smooth. :]

P.S. I HATE guys like those other guys. They're so annoying.

Autumn said...

Interesting... Very interesting...

scoutingchick said...

this was great! I could totally see this happening and it was fun to "watch" you guys interact so nicely with a crowd. It's posts like these that prove you're not as D-baggy as some people think you are

pummelhead said...

This post: GOLD!
Very well done with everything.

sara said...

calvin you should learn sign language so you can talk with your hands

Annah said...

Winkie winkie. Hilarious :)

Amy said...

HAHA! Yes Smooth and Heck Yes you did!

marthamaeloves said...

Your scripted conversations are super gay. But thats pretty cute that you guys plan how to pick teams like that. Nice work.