A month? Seriously? What in the crap have you guys been doing for an entire effing month?
Well that's a good question right there. Jake and I have had several discussions about this here blog and whether or not it was worth our time. I mean, we both like writing. We both like telling stories. We both like making fun of people to their face... while still remaining (somewhat) anonymous. We both like the attention. However, MBP was taking up so much of our time. Especially for me since I had to write my own posts and also proofread them... PLUS proofread and correct Jake's posts, as well. It was so extremely time consuming. So first I was like, "You just loooove being the favorite don't you Jake?" And Jake was like, "I'm not the favorite. What are you talking about? You're the one that all the girls are flirting with." And I'm like, "They only like me because I'm not in the middle of eight zillion relationships. Our readers love you more cause you can type about a bunch of lovey dovey cheesy lame stuff."
The conversation continued for a while until one of us (I'm honestly not sure who) told the other that THEY were more addicted to the MBP attention than... the other. More accusations were made. More gauntlets were thrown. Then we both started trying to convince the other that we could stop the blog cold turkey with no problems at all. The claims began getting more and more outrageous until we both had pretty much sworn off the blog entirely. In fact, Jake told me that he was so indifferent about MBP that he was POSITIVE that he could go longer without MBP twitter, MBP Facebook and even talking about the blog. I said, "You mean you think you can go longer without uttering the words 'Mormon', 'Bachelor', or 'Pad' than I can?" Jake said, "I have no doubt in my mind." Then I said, "Well, not only can I refrain from uttering those three words, but I'll bet I can go longer without even saying the names 'Calvin' or 'Jake'." Jake laughed in my freakin' face and called me an amateur. Then I reminded him that he works with two different guys named 'Jake' and one of them shared a cubicle with him. He still claimed that he could go longer without saying anything about MBP out loud. It was pretty easy during the week, but it got a lot harder to not say "Mormon" on Sundays. We also couldn't talk with Aaron about his favorite show, The Bachelorette, because it included the word "Bachelor". "Pad" was the easiest word to avoid. Mostly cause we're guys and we don't menstruate. (ps. why in the crap is there a "u" in menstruate?" Thanks, spellchecker, for confusing the crud out of me.")
So there we were. For the last month. That's what we've been doing. Trying to outlast each other.
So... who won then?
Well, it's kinda like in high school when my friend and I bet $50 that we could be vegetarian longer than the other one. After 36 hours we found ourselves at The Training Table with a bunch of other people, staring at the menu. We both started talking about all of the delicious animal-based burgers and sandwiches on the menu. We looked at each other and called a truce. Then I ordered the Guacamole Bacon Burger and he ordered the Bleu Bacon Cheese Burger. So that's the longest I've gone without eating meat... and that's similar to how Jake and I decided to keep writing.
So what's up with not being able to leave comments?
Well, since there were only ten people who left regular comments... plus the fact that we ignored pretty much every single speck of advice that people gave us anyway... we decided to just do away with the whole comment thing. Fear not, though. If you have an insult that you feel we must hear, we have email, twitter, and facebook accounts just waiting for your harsh words and criticism.
So are you gonna waste a bunch of posts filling us in on what we missed over the last month are you just gonna skip over all of it and start writing like you used to?
Neither. I'm gonna bring you all up to date on my last four weeks right now:
Week 1: My mom set me up with a receptionist at her work, Shelby. She's cute, but doesn't laugh at my jokes.
Week 2: Shelby is in summer school and always has a bunch of homework so she can't go out with me as often as I'd like.
Week 3: I offer to hang out and help Shelby with her homework. She reluctantly agrees. We actually do her homework and DON'T roll around like I was anticipating with the entirety of my soul.
Week 4: My roommates get wind of my quote DATES unquote with Shelby and try to convince me she is not interested in the least, but doesn't know how to tell me that since she works with my mom. I feel really embarrassed. I ask my mom if Shelby has said anything and my mom tells me that Shelby thinks I'm a really nice guy. It becomes devastatingly apparent that everyone knows Shelby isn't into me... except me. I find the courage to call Shelby and explain to her what my roommates have said and my brand new "jump-started" vibe about how she feels. Shelby sighs and confirms the suspicions in the nicest way possible, but I still kind of hope that she gets punched really hard in the face by another girl at some point in the near future. Not cause I don't like her or anything, but just because that's what she gets for not thinking I'm the awesomest person in the entire world. Which I'm 97% certain I am, because why would my mom tell me something that wasn't true.
Things planned for the near future:
We've been invited to a pool party by an average looking girl in our ward. Even though she's only average, we're still gonna go since there's a good chance there will be other scantily clad attendees.
(Insert custom flower gay-looking border that Aaron crafts specially for us)
I’d bet my copy of the Boy Scout Handbook that July is one of the busiest months of the year for a single guy. What with the sun being out, weekly games of Frisbee, BBQ’s, parties, warm late nights… it seems impossible to sum up the last month. Yet I do have a couple of great stories to tell. So I will attempt to be brief and fill you in.
Claire Claire Claire (shakes head instantly giving away the ending to this tale)
Yesterday I met this new girl named Jane. She’s a pretty thing and I initially enjoyed our banter very much. Then I was talking about Predators in mixed company and she said, “Eew you watch rated R movies, that’s so Jack.” While typing this I realize that it’s hard for me to portray how serious she was, but she was dead frickin serious. I quickly responded with, “Well which is worse self righteousness or R rated movies? Because it seems to me like we’re even... with how self-righteous you are being right now.” The retarded look on her face was exactly what I had intended and I walked away hoping Jane would never be back to our house.
This whole thing with Jane happened because of Claire. Calvin and I have recently made a regular occurrence of comparing self-righteousness to other things all because of Claire.
The last post on this blog was about me opening up to Claire. Really opening up. She seemed to take it all very well. She seemed to be so understanding of my past mistakes. Like she accepted me for who I was. I felt connected to her and had decided that night I was going to make my move to tell her how I really felt.
Well it took some doing, we had a lot of fun and spent some time together. I didn’t do it until the 4th of July. A huge and I mean, HUGE, group of us went to Sugar House park. Claire and I got there at 4pm to save a spot with the 8 large blankets we estimated we would need. We played Frisbee, spent time chatting and even ran down to the pond to feed the ducks some of our left over Taco Bell. Then people started arriving and it was a great great night.
After the firework show Aaron and Nick took 'clean up duty' and Claire and I walked back to her car. It was dark, and I grabbed Claires hand. She looked at me a little uncomfortable. I hoped that it was because we had been hanging out so much without actually ever doing this… I was wrong. Since I didn’t know I was wrong I went ahead and bore my soul to her. I told her how she made me feel and how I felt about her. It felt good. It felt overdue. She stopped and said, “Jake I want to feel those things for you, too, but I can’t let myself. We would never work.”
I’m not certain how long it took for me to say something… a long time I think. I asked her if I was in the Friend Zone. She told me that was not it. She told me that she found me attractive and had always had the beginnings of romantic feelings for me. Then she went on to explain that it was my past that scared her. She said she could never trust that the person that I was in the past wouldn’t come back.
We stood there, in the dark. She leaned against a tree, and I swayed back and forth. We talked like that for about an hour. I would bring up forgiveness and growth and she would say something stupid like, “I can’t see myself married* to someone who I’ll always worry will fall away.” I told her she was making a mistake, and then I started to get defensive. Our discussion turned into an argument. I sorta said something I shouldn’t have… and the whole thing ended with her walking away while I stood there. Swaying… I watched her get into her car, and I haven’t seen her since.
I have wondered if I would have made the move earlier or waited to be so honest with her if we would have had something beautiful. However, I like Calvin’s take on it. Calvin thinks that the only thing that would have changed if I had done it differently is that I would have made out with her and then found out she was a self righteous wench.
I called Andrea on the 5th of July. I really was planning on calling her the middle of July no matter what, but Claire's starry-eyed ignorance prompted me to do it earlier. Our conversation was brief and unrewarding. I asked her how things were and we went through some small talk. She seemed pretty cold and unexcited. I asked her how things were going since “well-you know” and she simply replied "good". I suggested we hang out sometime and she halfheartedly said "okay". I hung up the phone and felt sick… not because I had known I lost her. More because I felt like I was being blamed for something even though she didn’t say anything to that effect… it was like she was taking something out on me.
I haven’t called or texted her to hang out since.
The last two weeks have been a blast though. Our house is alive with flirtatious fraternization's that I would have never imagined. With a full house of 7 guys living there now, all working together to bring women home for the sharing I expect some exciting things. In fact, if things go according to plan… I think I’ll be snoggin some new honey tomorrow.
*We Mormons have it ingrained in us at an early age that we “marry who we date” so even though it may seem a little presumptuous of Claire, this is actually pretty common in the Mormon-dating-realm… well in my Mormon-dating-realm, anyway.