Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Yup... I Said It...

Whenever I decide to show up to a social gathering with my roommates, everyone cheers when I walk in. It's like I'm on a sitcom and I'm one of the favorite characters. I don't pretend like I'm the favorite or anything, it's just that I usually don't make much of an effort to go to those kinds of things so when I DO show up everyone acts like it's a special treat when in reality I know I'm being mocked.

We went to the pool party thing on Monday afternoon/evening. It was supposed to be some sort of FHE activity, but we got there late so IF there was a spiritual thought or lesson given... we weren't there for it. It probably took place inside someone's apartment anyway. I can't imagine being able to focus on a spiritual message with everyone hanging out in bathing suits.

When we walked through the gate to the party already in progress I heard at least 10 different people yell, "Calvin!" and "Yay! Calvin's here!" and "I thought you were too good for us, Cal." and "Nice Speedo, Calvin!". Just kidding about the last one. I wasn't wearing my Speedo. However, I WAS wearing a swimming suit that I'm pretty sure I had in Jr. High. It was pretty small. I thought it would work well and help to accentuate my bulge... but in reality, it just revealed by pasty upper thighs and love handles. Just a little bit of a backfire.

Jake, Lance and Aaron jumped right into the mix. There was a volleyball game going on and they slid right into the game with no problems at all. I've mentioned before that I'm not the most athletic guy so I chose to hang in the shallow end with some average looking girls that wouldn't intimidate me. As I looked around at all the girls I observed something very interesting. It looked like they had divided themselves into groups based on how modest their swimming suits were. There was the bikini group. The two-piece-exposed-midriff-but-more-coverage-than-bikini group. Then there was the one-piece group. On the other side of the pool was the one-piece-suit-as-well-as-skirt-like-drapes-meant-to-conceal-larger-than-average-butt group. And finally... over on the grass I saw the we're-so-insecure-with-ourselves-we-refuse-to-let-anyone-see-our-bare-flesh-except-for-our-doctor-and-even-then-he-has-to-ask-us-to-change-into-that-gown-at-least-five-times-before-we-actually-do group.

Eventually I realized that it wasn't so much groups based on modesty as much as it was groups based on self-esteem. There were plenty of girls wearing swimming suits that were the exact opposite of flattering. But there they were. In all their glory. Running. Jiggling. Laughing. Splashing into the pool almost creating Tsunamis after every cannonball. They didn't care. And I thought that was awesome. I realized that I cared way too much about my white thighs.

"Hey, Calvin." I was sitting in a chair by the pool and I glanced down to see a girl hanging onto the side, looking at me. I knew she was in my ward, but I didn't know her name. I replied, "Hey." She looked pretty cute, but she was in the water so I couldn't see her body. Blast. What kind of swimming suit was she wearing?

She motioned to her friend, Natalie, sitting at a table on the other side of the pool. I know Natalie. She's pretty hot. "Natalie just said to me... she said, 'Stephanie, go ask Calvin why he isn't playing volleyball with the other guys.' So... why aren't you?" Stephanie. That's right. Stephanie. I didn't realize until later, but I'm pretty sure she did the same thing I do when I don't think a girl remembers my name.

I explained to Stephanie that I would normally be the first one in the pool playing volleyball, but that I didn't want to overexert myself after my rigorous workout earlier that afternoon. She looked at me to try to figure out if I was joking... since I don't look as though I'm much of a worker outer. I kept a straight face, but I could see a hint of a smile on her lips. She has a really cute mouth and very attractive lips. I said, "I can tell you don't believe me. I have my bar bells in the car if you wanna see them." She laughed, "You have bar bells in your car?" I replied, "Uh... yeah," like it was the most normal thing in the world, "I'm pretty sure that's what every guy does who's as serious about his exercise regimen as I am." I think by this point I had a smile on my face. Stephanie said, "Regimen? Who uses that word?" "Well, obviously you've never met someone as in shape as I am cause the people I hang out with at Wild Oats use 'regimen' it all the time." Stephanie didn't hesitate to call me out on my blunder, "It's not Wild Oats anymore, Calvin. It's Whole Foods now. Nice try." Crap. She got me. "Well, I've been shopping at Wild Oats for so long it's hard for me to call it anything else. It's like the Delta Center. I know it's not called the Delta Center anymore, but I'm always gonna call it the Delta Center."

We talked for a few more minutes, but Stephanie never got out of the pool. She just clung to the side like she'd forgotten how to swim. I stood up once to try to get a better view of her swimming suit and maybe some cleavage, but it didn't work. After 10 minutes or so Jake wandered up to us. I said, "Hey Jake. Do you know Stephanie?" Jake introduced himself and then said, "So... how long have you guys been talking?" Stephanie and I looked at each other and then she said, "I dunno. About 15 minutes." Jake looked at her and said, "And you haven't asked him out yet?" I looked at Stephanie and gave her a "That's true. Why haven't you asked me out?" look. Steph asked, "Do girls usually ask you out after a 15 minute conversation?" Before I had a chance to think of a witty reply, Jake said, "Usually it takes five." While we were both laughing, Jake turned around and walked back toward the volleyball net... like the perfect wingman. A paradisaical wingman from another dimension.

Stephanie said, "I think giving you my phone number is a logical first step." I laughed as I fumbled for my phone to type in her phone number.

We kept talking for a few more minutes, but once a phone number has been given I've always thought it best to get the crap out of there so you don't give the girl a chance to regret giving it to you. But at the same time I really wanted to see Steph get out of the pool. Maybe she was purposely NOT getting out because she didn't want me to see the 30 lbs of cottage cheese she was storing on her thighs.

Then I heard a little bit of commotion over by the volleyball game. Jake's nose was pouring blood. I used it as an excuse to separate myself from Stephanie.

No... Jake didn't get hit with the volleyball and he didn't get elbowed or anything. Turns out this kind of thing happens to Jake once or twice a year. He's been to the doctor and the prognosis has been "Eat healthier. Sleep more." Jake sleeps an average of four hours a night and eats very little. What he does eat can barely be classified as "food stuffs". It's, like, Fig Newtons, milk, and Ramen.

I'll be calling Stephanie tomorrow afternoon to ask her out for this weekend. Hopefully I can get Jake to come, as well. I hate going on first dates without any other couples. Too much pressure.


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