Thursday, January 14, 2010

The History of Jake: part 1 of 6

I don't have a good long-term memory. Pretty much, under the age of ten I have almost no memories other than a few image flashes. What experiences I do remember that young I can count on one hand.

I've wondered if this had something to do with perhaps an early experience so traumatic, so horrible, that like Dexter, I have blocked it all out. I doubt it though, I'm sure most of my memory has been destroyed because I have hit my head, hard, many times doing stupid things like jumping off the garage and falling out of a sled dragged behind a pickup.

So at around age ten or eleven my memories start to fade into view. The age of twelve is when things get clear and I can still remember details. I'll have to see if that benchmark changes to age thirteen next year... hmmm. Anyway, on to my history.

I am not a very good person by nature. In fact I am certain, (and trust me, I know how terrible this sounds) if I did not have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I would be in prison, dead, or doing something, "I-just-threw-up-a-little-in-my-mouth-just-now" worthy like what Jennifer Connelly's character in "Requiem for a Dream" stoops to. Seriously, and I am not ragging on myself here, nor am I seeking pity or a fix. Hopefully when I share this, you can treat it like a good flashback from an episode of LOST.

"What? Sayid tortured people? Oh I like Sayid, he's got depth. Charlie a crack addict? Good thing, he's a stronger person for it. Kate murdered like 4 people, and don't even get me started on Mr. Ecko? Oh how far they have all come (phew) yay ...and now I see how those experiences helped them to traverse this mysterious time traveling, dead raising, polar bear harboring island."

Growing up I was a bully. Not "sort of a bully", either. I was a very mean, very cruel, die a thousand deaths and rot forever in hell bully. When I was in middle school I was one of the shortest kids in my class, but I easily had the biggest mouth. At a young age I was able to easily manipulate others into doing my bidding and I walked around school with bigger, dumber kids carrying out my every whim which translated into all manner of treachery.

I will not share all of the horrible things I had done, or all the peoples lives I destroyed as a bully, because they are numerous, and maybe, just maybe, if I don't bring them up, God will forget some of them and not send me to that special spot in Outer Darkness for savages like me. Nor will I elaborate on reasons I should be forgiven or how many tears I have shed and times I have prayed for forgiveness. The stories are awful, and the atonement will have to be at full strength to deal with my actions. I worry that I cannot be forgiven, but try to have faith in spite of that. I only share these with people I am very close to, but my anonymity offers me a unique opportunity, so, I will share a couple tidbits from my 7th and 8th grade years.



Jeremiah Smith:
I can't remember exactly what I didn't like about him. He had thick far-sighted glasses, so his eyes always looked huge, and he was the only kid as good at dodgeball as I was, too. We were in gym class together. My bullying of him started with me flushing the toilets while he was in the shower and then running out yelling "Fire in the Hole!" To which he would get burnt and scream running out to the rest of the class pointing and laughing.

One day me and two bigger kids cornered him in the soccer field before school. I don't remember what I was saying, but it was mean. I ordered my thugs to take off his pants. They did so, and we threw them over the fence. A barbed wire fence that, to get to the other side of, required walking a good 300 yards behind about a dozen classroom windows. His underpants were tighty-whiteys, but not the plain white regular Fruit of the Loom type I was used to sporting. Nope, his had little cartoon rockets on them. Perhaps the worst pair of underpants this kid could have worn the day some bullies decided to take off his pants. I pointed out the rockets and made fun of him. I started calling him Rockets.

He sat there on the ground crying and staring at me with his swollen eyes like he wanted to kill me. I hadn't even touched him but we both knew that I was the problem. I wish I could remember how I felt at that moment. From that day forward nobody called Jeremiah "Jeremiah" anymore. They called him "Rockets". I found out later that he had carried that nickname all the way through high school. I'm sure one day I will run into him and he will beat me up for it. That's okay though, I deserve it.



Megan Quinonez:
Megan was an odd girl. She was white but had a funny, not-white last name, which made it easier to mock her as a kid. She wore funny clothes too, like feather scarves and glittery sweaters. She was already pretty outcast in our class, but of course the coward I was, I made it worse. Whenever she would walk by I would get everyone to start chanting "thunder" we would start quietly, and then with each each occurrence of the word "thunder" get a little louder, until as she walked by we would yell "thighs." After instigating this for a while, I would be way down the hall and hear off in the distance, "thunder, thunder, thuNDER, THUNDER, THIIIIGHS!"

What's really bad about this is that Megan wasn't even fat... at all. I'm sure that at the Judgment Seat however I'll have to beg Jesus to forgive me for causing her years of self esteem problems. I made it worse by convincing my friends that Megan was so ugly, that we should call all ugly girls "Megan." She wasn't ugly, but she was an easy target. From then on her name embodied all that was ugly. "Dude, do you like Cathy Miller?" "No." "Good, because she is soo, Megan." "Oooohggg (said with a shiver) she is Megan, you're right dude." We would enunciate it in the worst possible way too, (Me-GaN) to try and emphasize how disgusted we were.



Doug Bird:
Doug was skinny, tall, lanky, and awkward in every way. At 13 he had a deep yet nasally voice that just screamed, 'make fun of me.' So I did. Incessantly. Doug wouldn't just run, though. He periodically would attempt to stand up to me, or make fun of me back. He was like George Costanza with his insults, though, and I was a witty little bastard. I also always had two or three of my grades biggest guys with me so there wasn't much he could do when we splashed chocolate milk on him or pushed him into the lockers when we walked by.

One day, the halls were pretty empty for some reason. I had watched Doug very carefully put a miniature building he had made out of toothpicks and glue in his back pack. I told the big guys to get it. They tried taking his backpack off of him, there was a tussle and he got away, and ran. A chase ensued. I was the fastest kid of the four, and caught up to Doug as he reached the hallway doors to go outside. He took a step back to pull the door open and I collided into him. I could feel the tooth picks crumble under my weight. I grabbed the top of his backpack and yelled, "Give me the backpack, Birdo!" He screamed no, and kept running. The zipper on his backpack tore and tooth picks and papers went everywhere.

My enforcers were too far behind us to help and in the moment that I realized he was going to get away something happened. I got angry. Really angry. I clenched my fists, yelled, "Dammit Doug!" and punched him right in the middle of his back as hard as I possibly could. It was the first time I had ever punched anyone. Before that I was always able to get someone else to do my dirty work. Doug fell forward out of the door, and then fell down the four cement stairs outside. He ran off.

Doug, broke his pinky finger in that fall. Which of course he had to bring to the attention of his parents. Who brought it to the attention of my principle. I was expelled from school less than a week later. I'm so glad that happened. Because I didn't have big friends in my next school and the Lord, or Karma, or whatever you believe in, heaped a whole bunch of humble pie on me (that I will expound on in Part 5 of my history later) that lead me to change from the person I was.

I bring these up, because if I didn't relay these stories I don't think you would believe me when I say that I am a bad person by nature. Given any choice, it seems that I am always inclined to make the wrong one. My first instinct, even at a young age, is almost always the easy way out, or the self-serving-screw-everyone-else route. Sometime around the age of 18 I actually gained my testimony. Or at least I started. I've been lucky to have very good parents who have always been capable in handling me in the best way for what ever trouble I was in. My testimony grew as I practiced, and then while on my mission, I was blessed with several, but one very profound experience which changed my life forever.

Still, if I am being honest I am always first inclined towards evil. I constantly fight thoughts of, 'How I can lie, cheat, and steal to get ahead?' 'How will I best be served?' 'It feels good, I can do it, because I deserve it?' I do not propose that all guys are like me. That all Mormons are like me, or that all Mormon guys are like me. This is me. I can see very clearly the influence that my testimony of Jesus has in my life. More specifically how that has impacted my weaknesses of which I am very aware.

For example. Lisa came by last night... she's here till after the weekend, which is longer than her usual stay. I think she is hoping to patch the hole I left on our last encounter. She explained to me how devastated she was by my confession. We will see how this shakes out... anyway, we hung out last night, and ended up at Calvin's parents house watching a movie. Afterwards, Calvin and his date went upstairs to talk to his parents. Lisa and I started making out.

We moved from the couch to the floor, and I was on top of her... kissing her. I find that when I am on top she is less likely to initiate dry humping. During our make out, right there in Calvin's basement she reached her hand down the front of my pants.

[The thoughts described in this, and the following paragraph spanned less than a second of real time.] This is the first time that a member of the opposite sex has touched me there, skin to skin. It was shocking and exciting... and I wanted so badly to act on what I was feeling. However, I instantly thought about the Sermon on the Mount. No particular teaching from it, just it. I knew that what I wanted to do was wrong. I thought about justifying it. Lisa had been married. She had had sex. Surely it must have been difficult for her to restrain, more so than for me. I doubted in that instant that I would be excommunicated if I gave in, that one time.

Thirteen year old Jake-the-bully was screaming at me, egging me on. The world wouldn't end if I gave in, the Church would still be true, my mom would still love me... I probably wouldn't have even felt guilty, and told myself I could easily justify it even being wrong. There are millions of people who engage in pre-marital sex! Many of which repent and accept the Gospel and get temple recommends and stuff. Why should I be any different? Why should I miss out on sex? Sex that other people who will probably still make it to the Celestial Kingdom are having and repenting of? I liked my argument. However, my Savior has asked me not to. So despite my first horny inclination, I simply focused on how much I knew Jesus Christ loved me. I knew it enough so, that I couldn't in good conscience do that with Lisa no matter how badly I wanted to.

I tried to act unaffected by her touch, even though, in retrospect a shocked "How dare you!" might have been a more appropriate response. I didn't even stop kissing her. I just firmly grabbed her arm and pulled it out of my pants. She grinned and said, "Sorry." I smiled and kept kissing her. After a few minutes she whispered, "Thank you." I replied, "Don't get me wrong, I so totally want to have sex with you."

We kissed for a bit longer. Then she paused and said, "I hope you want more from me than to just have sex." She looked at me and the longer that I didn't say anything the more concerned her face got. "Of course." I finally said. The mood was killed... dead. We stopped kissing and joined Calvin and co upstairs.

If I didn't have faith in Christ I would have no scruples, I would have no morals, and I would only care about myself. I envy the day when I would do the right thing simply because it was the "right thing". I am not implying that one needs faith to be a good person. I know many people who don't even believe there is a God who are good and decent people, honest and upright in all that they do. I am simply admitting that that is not how it is for me, unfortunately. I know, if I hadn't been blessed with the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life that I would be in a very bad place. I would have definitely had sex or something close to it with Sanders last night.

Thank you Heavenly Father. Thank you for giving me something tangible to counteract my unrighteous first impulse, my testimony.

Jake

PS I was able to track down Doug Bird just before the mish and apologize to him. I told him he could punch me in the face, but he opted to just kick me in the shin. He kicked me really hard. We are now Facebook friends... I have never been able to find the other two.

106 comments:

Rissy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kellie said...

The first part of this post made me sad. But at least you realize you were stupid..
And um... wow.

Lauren said...

I always get really sad when I hear about kids getting bullied...

Is it just me or does anyone else think it is weird that Lisa was putting her hands down your pants at Calvin's parents' house?

Busy Bee Lauren said...

I was really saddened about how you treated those people. In fact, I started crying for Megan. I have had that happen to me, and it has affected my life considerably.

But more importantly, I am so glad you were able to find Christ, and that you have a testimony. That is the greatest blessing in your life.

And I am proud of you for stopping what Sanders initiated. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you (no pun intended).

Stay strong. And please talk to her about it.

Sara said...

Jake,

First off, the natural man is an enemy to God. We have all made mistakes: some big, some small, but no matter the size, they all disqualify us for celestial glory. You've repented and moved on.

And your restraint with Sanders is proof. It's probably a lot harder to avoid carnal instincts than to avoid calling a girl fat and you've pretty much proved that you have let the gospel work in your life.

Don't feel bad that you were faced with temptation. Feel great that you overcame it! You're awesome.

Jade said...

Wow Jake, I must say I'm very very very impressed with how you handled the situation with Sanders. Your alot stronger than I am, I would have gave in for a few minutes and then, stopped it. But way to go Jake for being strong and doing what you know you should!

That Chick said...

um... wow. just wow.

dude, i was bullied by guys just like you when i was in middle school. it was hell.

and let me tell you, sometimes we who were once undesirable turn out to be 'slammin hottie's, as I was once told. So yeah. Karma's been good to me.


In other news, the whole Lisa things is not looking good, my friend. I don't have a good feeling about it at all. Just sayin. Take care.

Crystal said...

Ouch.

Autumn said...

I must say I was saddened at first. The only "bullying" I got was being made fun of for having red hair. But, you yet again redeemed yourself. I am so amazed at how you handled Lisa. I really am. I wouldn't have been able to I don't think. Well, I would have stopped it somewhere, but not right away like that. I have so much respect for you for that. :] Good job.

Autumn said...

I must say I was saddened at first. The only "bullying" I got was being made fun of for having red hair. But, you yet again redeemed yourself. I am so amazed at how you handled Lisa. I really am. I wouldn't have been able to I don't think. Well, I would have stopped it somewhere, but not right away like that. I have so much respect for you for that. :] Good job.

Anonymous said...

Great post again.

Same thing happened with me. We went and confessed to the Bishop, we were told to break up and not to see each other again.

Not inspired advice. We just didn't put ourselves in that situation again. It was tough, but worth it.

We got married in the Temple, it's has been 11 years, we have 3 kids and we are as happy as ever.

Follow what the Spirit tells you.

My 2cents.

Heather Lee said...

I think I like you a bit less now. I'm sorry, I know (at least I hope) you are different from the person that you used to be. But knowing that you were "that guy" just makes me like you less. I'm glad, though, that you realized the error of your ways. You could have turned into a real douche, but I'm glad that you haven't.

As for Sanders...well, I'm not sure where this is going anymore. I still really like her, but it seems like everything has gotten so awkward with the two of you. But then I'm only getting bits of the story, so who am I to say. I'm happy to hear that you were able to practice some self-control though. lol

Amy said...

Thank Heaven's for forgiveness and the atonement right? Whew! :) You did do the right thing because it was the right thing. So small steps it is. Line upon line and all that. I am personally just really glad for Heavenly Father's patience. Lisa is really ballsy isn't she? Pun completely intended. Good Luck with that whole thing. I don't know everything about the situation, but you might be feeling more lenient with her because you don't think you deserve someone with better morals. Not that she isn't overall a moral person, but this is a very important and hard area to keep in control, as I'm sure you already know. I hope you will try to make yourself be who you would want to be in a eternal relationship. Much love, the hypocrite

c a n d a c e said...

Geez, Jake.
Guys like you made me feel insecure and eat in the girls bathroom for my 6th grade year.

Glad you are changed and that you found one of the guys you harrassed. Hope this thing with Sanders goes somewhere, rather than just being in limbo.

Diva's Drama said...

I'm always astounded by people who are LDS and well... the level of standards....

Does everyone dry hump (excuse me being blunt) now while making out? If you say yes are you LDS? I'm just curious it just seems that every guy that I kiss try to get to that level. Sometiems I fear what they have in mind as the goal...or where they would start.

Paula said...

These are really sad stories... All I could think of while reading them and about your regret was what a friend of mine once told me: "I don't think you're a bad person. I think you're a good one that made a really bad choice.". (No, she didn't tell me this because I am/was a bully.) Even if you don't think you are a good person, you are making better choices now, aren't you? Maybe your goal in life should be trying to be a better person everyday. I think you are already donig it!

About Lisa... Talk to her about what happened and about what you think. I think it can get worse if you don't...

Shelby Lou said...

You were mean. But you know that, so I shouldn't have even said anything.

Basically, you are awesome for being so strong in spite of all of it. I'm the same way.. I always wonder how I can get more out of things for myself instead of other people. It's sad, and I totally understand what you are saying. Does that make any sense??

I hope you can talk to Sanders about all of this and explain to her what is going on inside of you. If you ever want to marry her you will need to explain. You knew that too.

Okay byeee...

Ash said...

Wow.

If you weren’t a couple years younger than me I’d swear you were one of my bullies from childhood. They did some pretty twisted stuff to me that sound a lot like what you did as a child. Just reading this post makes my eyes tear up in memory of those hurts.

But Jake let me tell you, you are NOT a bad person. Everyone has dark thoughts. Everyone thinks of ways to get what they want with doing the very least amount of work. Having these sort of inclinations is natural. We are, after all, imperfect. But you cannot let your actions, actions which you have so obviously seeked forgiveness for with a humble and broken heart, determine what kind of person you are.

If Heavenly Father only looked at the bad parts of us no one would ever be allowed into heaven. EVER. We are infinitely blessed to have a Heavenly Father who loves us and wants the best for us. We are infinitely blessed that the Savior bled and died for us, because He knew that we would need His help to come back home one day.

I believe that what makes us who we are is when we choose not to act upon those dark little thoughts of ours. When we choose to be better than our natural selves. When we choose to live like the Savior. And you have obviously done that. The fact that you felt enough remorse about what had occurred to seek forgiveness is a big thing. It shows that you know what you did was wrong and that you are sorry for it. The fact that you stopped Sanders is a huge thing too. From what you wrote it sounds like you had a mini-war going on inside your head. Give in to the carnal man or do as the Savior would want you to do. You chose the Savior. You chose the right. Good won over the bad and that is all that matters.

I like how honest you are in this post. It makes you seem more … relatable. It’s nice to know you’ve got some depth.

You rock.

ChloƩ said...

this was tough to read, but i think a lot of people will be able to relate to it. on both ends. i got beat up by a 6th grade boy when i was in 5th grade. he starting making fun of me because i said "Serve Decent" when we were playing 4 square at recess. After school that day he cornered me at the bike rack with a bunch of his friends and was taunting me, he was all up in my face so i punched him in the stomach. i never told anyone i did that. he started punching me in the shoulder and everywhere else. my punch did nothing to him, but i got bruised up pretty bad and was pretty traumatized. the worst part about it was that my best friends older brother just stood from afar watching. he was too afraid to stop them because they were his friends. anyway, he ended up getting suspended, and i have never forgotten that day. but i forgave him, even if he doesn't know it. i can tell you are sorry, and i have to admire you for confessing this. it is obvious that you really do have a testimony of this church. not everyone is perfect. i am not, in anyway, but i also feel a little better knowing that i am not the only one. all i have to say? is the sexual transgressions or whatever you want to call it? aren't worth it. once you start, it is hard to stop. even if you don't want to and the other person does? it will definitely start causing problems in the relationship. i don't think sanders is the right girl for you. just sayin...

Tripp Hazard said...

I wish some of the bullies from my junior high approached me now and gave me the opportunity to hit them back. I would DEFINITELY take that opportunity. Don't beat yourself up too much. Life goes on. We make mistakes and we deal with them.

If you need someone to punch you in the face to make you feel better about your bullying, I am happy to oblige. I think I did a bit of bullying myself, so you will have to punch me back probably.

Nikki said...

Whoa easy there little Tiger...maybe she was looking for her keys or checking to see how the make out was going. Was it cold? Did the turtle go back in the shell or did it come out to see what was happening? Please elaborate..."I was in the pool!!"
After reading this long as hell post I don't know whether to take a freaking cold shower or say amen to your testiclemony. I guess I can blast you for being a retard in Jr. High but that would set off a bunch of lame ass comments about saying retard too much. I am so conflicted...but you sir are an oak. :)N

Alexis Mullino said...

The important thing is you figured out what you did to those people was wrong. That is very respectable, very honorable. However, I do not believe that were you to be without religion you would be a horrible person. Maybe just not as strict on yourself as you are now because of your religious rules. Common morals are genetic, we have an instinct inside us that tells us to not kill fellow man, or steal from him, although sometimes we do. Of course, religion can help craft you into the mold you desire, but religion isn't making you a good person in the end. You're making you a good person, no matter your reasoning. "Good people do good things, evil people to evil things, but it takes religion for good people to do evil things." Perhaps subduing your desire to do natural things (like sex) makes it evil, or wrong. Without it, it would be good undeniably.

Anonymous said...

I have been blog stalking for a while but this is the first time I have felt compelled to comment.

This post was very upsetting to me. It is people like you that make me nervous to raise kids in this society. You seem to be very aware of the pain you were causing in these childrens lives... yet you admit to being evil in nature? Like that is your way of justifying it? Sounds like complete bull to me.

NO ONE is born evil. NO ONE is evil by nature. You CHOSE that for yourself.

Katie said...

Wow. I don't know what to say. People like you (well, the bully you) make me so mad. Whenever I see a kid getting bullied...I want to give them a piece of my mind. Bullies truly will never realize the emotional damage they can inflict on a person.

But beyond that, as much as your stories of bullying made me sick to my stomach, I liked this post. You were honest about your weaknesses. That shows a lot about someone (Even though it is anonymous). Good job.

And Sanders...Interesting. I'm so proud of you. That could have easily turned into something much worse. Not so sure how I feel about her anymore though.

Kate Weber said...

Jake, I just want to applaud you. Not for being a bully, but for striving to be a better person in spite of what you would normally do. It is a great thing that you have a testimony and that you are striving to do all you can to maintain it and live by it.

I'm not sure I'd have the strength to stop an advance like Sanders made on you (only...you know...from a guy) and it's encouraging to know that you had the power and the peace of mind to stop it. Good for you!

Despite your shady past, my esteem for you just went up ten points!

Nikki said...

gotta be honest, I really didnt like you at the start of this post! I was one of those kids that was bullied all the way through school - In high school i was beaten weekly by a group of guys just because they didnt like that Im a mormon & because they got bored. I learned to hit back. Im over it.

But you also gained a heck of alot more respect for the way you handled things with Sanders!! She should never have put you in that situation at all, but you handled it nicely. Well done! I do think you guys really need to talk about the whole thing though!

Paula said...

run. run fast. away from that girl. She is TROUBLE.

Allison said...

This one was a hard one to read, Jake. And I know that everyone's saying this to you, but it's not just because of what you did- because there are SO many people that bullied, and were bullied. And again, I'm not justifying it- and I don't even know where I'm GOING with this right now... I'm just happy that you learned something from that.

There are some people that never change from that behavior, and the fact that you DID, and know that it was wrong is really saying something.


Oh, and about Sanders? I kind of have to agree with Chloe. I like her and all, but if she's pressuring you to go somewhere that you KNOW you're not supposed to go- is that really the right kind of girl for you? Maybe it was just a one time thing- but keep that in mind. You need to know where you stand with her, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Brit O'Connor said...

Then she paused and said, "I hope you want more from me than to just have sex."

Why the hell would she even say this? You're not the one putting moves on her.

She's sketch.

If you've held out this long- might as well hold off until marriage, don't screw things up now! :)

Girl101 said...

Oh what.ever. So we all got bullied, or we were bullies going straight to hell. So freaking what?
Hard times are there for a reason, get over it.

Becca said...

I love how everyone thinks you're this great guy because you stopped Lisa from having sex from you - that it shows that you're clearly past your "bullying" days.

Clearly you're not. Sure, you may resist sins of commission, but the sins of ommission are, in my mind, the ones that matter more anyways. You feel badly about bullying those kids? How about this blog and what you're doing now? I started reading this blog when you had less than two hundred followers - when your blog was purely entertainment. Sure, I knew you were immature, but your posts were kind of funny. Sadly, your posts have just gotten meaner and meaner as your popularity has grown. Specifically yours, Jake.

If you're over your bullying, why do you reveal personal, emotional information about people? Are you really changed by "the gospel of Jesus Christ"? You've made NUMEROUS women continue to have self-esteem issues by using a really dumb scale to rate them on. Sure, your "overall scale" compensates, but your continual focus on the LOS makes it clear what matters.

In the end, I still think you're a bully and I'm pretty disgusted with you posting these stories in an attempt to show how far you've come, gospel or otherwise in your life. Any reader with a knowledge of what true change and character is can see right through this crap that you just posted.

You're a bully. And I could really care less about what you think about me, so take your best shot if that's what your true nature dictates. I think Lisa will be dodging a huge bullet if things don't work out between you two.

I'm sure you won't post this, but I don't really care. You've read it, and I think it's important for you to know that most of us aren't impressed with your "strength" in stopping you from having sex. Your continual criticism, sexism, and just meanness in general make me think that you're really not at all different from the middle school/high school Jake.

It's amazing what anonymity brings out in people. I stand by my comments, and further, I won't be following or subscribing to you any longer. A fun blog has turned into a hurtful one, one I should have stopped reading when you were dating Andrea, or after the Abbie Warnock fiasco.

Nikki said...

Could you please moderate some of these worthless righteous indignation comments and not post them...they are raping my eyes and making them bleed. Holy mother of pearl people...LIGHTEN THE HELL UP. I love the penis grabbing beat the hell out of my peers posts. More please. They are much better than the freaking big fat cry-baby comments. Seriously, go to Calcutta Becca. Mother Theresa died and they need a replacement.

The Lady Girl said...

Every one is saying how glad they are that you did the right thing. Well I would like to reinforce that you are an idiot for doing all of those things. And what the heck was sanders thinking putting her hand down your pants? I hate this post. sorry.

The Lady Girl said...

P.S. Nikki said "Testiclemony" hahahahaha

Anonymous said...

I would like to get my hand in your pants ;)

Anonymous said...

....

Kristin Lee said...

Harsh. I'm glad you got to apologize to one of the people, I wish you could find the other two. :/

Go you for stopping Sanders. Must've been really difficult for you. We all have those moments of, "well if I just did it this one time and then repent for it later...". Sounds like you have a very strong testimony and that's amazing. No one is perfect, and it sounds like you're trying to be a better person, so just keep it up.

p.s. I love you for referencing Dexter.

Stephanie said...

there once was a young guy named jake
who had a hard time keepin the snake

out of lisa's hands
cuz' he said he had plans


for a temple marriage that would probably be fake.

Blazzer said...

Becca - I am continually astounded at how the readers of this blog don't read it. Sure the words go into their heads, but how they process the information is so clouded with their judgements that they don't READ what is actually being written. You are the most guilty of this on this post.

You have shown that you yourself are superficial and care only about appearance because that is all you see when you read this blog. Yet there is just as much if not more emphasis put on personality. You ignore that though because when they talk about the one thing you do care about (looks) you get so offended you can't see any of the other ideas and points that are touched on.

I've seen your "model" website... funny that you would be so defensive of the unattractive. You don't live in the real world. You've never had to because you're pretty and people treat you like a pretty person.

Of course they are going to post your comment. They are laughing at you. You haven't given one good example for anything you've said. I pray you actually do never return do me and everyone else who actually have reading comprehension skills. Though I remember your similar self-righteous rant with Calvin on their old facebook account. (perhaps you're the one responsible for getting that account shutdown) but that was months ago... and you're still reading, so I'm guessing you'll be back after this too - unfotunately

Jake - great post, I know you are not asking for forgiveness understanding or absolution. I love how you showed that your testimony was the only thing in this instance that kept you from choosing to do something that was wrong. And you're right I wouldn't have believe it took a testimony to stop you had you not shared your past with us. Its clear you see that you have a long road ahead of you before you change completely. Recognizing that and taking one choice at a time like you're doing is the way to go.

-Blazzer

Janet said...

I can't wait to see which part of Becca's post makes the sidebar! This BLOG IS SO AWESOME! I LURVE IT.

Long live the MBP.

Megan said...

Okay, Megan? Seriously I have never met an ugly Megan. Is that the real name or a made up one?

If it's made up you should change it to BECCA, because of her ugly personality.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! You're comment are a riot.

Notice that people keep saying that there's lots of bullies and people bullied... but I think Jake is the first person I have ever heard admit it. So detailed.

Granted it's anonymous, but surely he understands that he WILL be discovered eventually.

Anonymous said...

Sanders is desperate. She knows exactly what she is doing. I suddenly don't like her so much anymore. I don't think she would have been so naughty if you were still planning a wedding because then she would know that she had you and wouldn't need to do that. Now she is feeling rejected and doing anything she can to keep you.

At first I thought I would say you should leave her, but then I think about how big of a jerk you are and were and I think, maybe you deserve eachother.

Tara said...

Wait! Her hand was around your Hmm hmm, and you pulled it off!

This blog is definately written by women. I have never met a man of any religion who would do that. I'm calling BS.

Anonymous said...

You haven't changed much. You are still mean, cruel and a bully!

Stevie said...

You sir, are an ass.

It's hard being the smart kid that can talk people into stuff. You should use that talent for good. That would be the best way to change.

Megan said...

I can't stop crying. Poor kids. I agree with Becca. You haven't changed. However, that doesn't mean you won't. I am excited to read that you do. Great writing, go back to school and write would you?

Your friend,
MeGaN

Jen said...

Wonderful post. Thank you for sharing your struggles and the one thing that can bring you through them - your faith in Christ. We all make mistakes. Some of them are just little things, and others can be huge. But the Lord will always love us, and be there to help us when we let Him. It sounds to me like you are letting Him.

Amy said...

I find it funny when people make really LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG judgemental comments. (cough-cough Becca). Like seriously. Who the hell do you think you are?

Sure Jake, you were a bully, and that's not very nice. But you know it was wrong and you've moved on. You judgmental commentors have done stupid things too, so who are you to judge Jake?
GET OVER YOURSELVES.

Jake, you a good person. A lot of us can see that. This post shows that you are truly sorry for what you've done and that you are making a sincere effort to get past it and make whatever wrong you did, right. Obviously, SOME people don't see that in this post. But I certainly do.

Karina said...

I'm really glad that you had the guts to admit yourself as a bully. It's a really great thing to do.

I am also glad that was a learning experience for you, but I'm sorry you had to learn it by mistake.

As for what happened with Sanders, good luck, but I would sit down and have a nice long talk about it. Soon.

Kellie said...

I know this is my second comment.. so that makes me feel lame. But I'd just like to say- Blazzer's comment is awesome. And he summed up everything I wanted to say more eloquently than I ever could have.

The past doesn't predict the future. Just because you WERE mean.. doesn't mean you still are. Writing a post about something this personal doesn't mean you have bad intentions. That's just stupid. And just because you once did something bad, doesn't mean you're a bad person. Some people are just ignorant.

Anonymous said...

*Yawn* is it Calvins turn to post yet?

Haley said...

Wow. This post gave me very strange feelings. Sort of like a part of me died? Not really sure why though.

Jake, you're interesting to say the least.

Also I love the fact that some of the harshest comments are still anonymous. Grow up, people.

Brittnay said...

I've never been bullied but my youngest brother whose autistic has been. What you did wasn't right but now I'm just happy that you have a testimony and that you're listening to Heavenly Father. I'm really trying not to judge you based on this post, and I'm glad for your honesty!

Christin said...

I have to say that sometimes girls can be so dumb. We want guys to be honest and share their feelings and then when they do they get murdered for it. Sure he was a jerk. I think that Sanders is up to something, but I would guess that not even she knows what it is. Ladies do you see how cruel YOU are when an anonymous guy is honest? Why in the world would any guy ever tell you what he really thinks when this is how you react. They are better off lying in my opinion. I don't agree with everything that is said on this blog, but I do appreciate that these guys are being honest, and I think that there is a lot for both sex's to learn from honest. Thank you to Calvin and Jake for being honest and letting girls know what dating is like for men. This blog is really such a gift, if read in the spirit it is meant to be read.

Nicole said...

WOW. ewwwwwwwwwwww. and WOW

Anonymous said...

I wish I had been Sanders for that few seconds she had in your pants....

lacey rose said...

are you sure you didn't put her hand there? I've had guys tell me that the girls grab them but really the guys lead their hands there and OK it.


PS I think I know who you are.

Girl Meets Gun said...

In 8th grade, I had two girl friends that I thought were great. Until they ganged up on me, out of nowhere, for no reason. They started calling me "Pg Vomit". It's from the movie Private Parts, with Howard Stern. I don't know why they did it. I was a really nice kid, and kept to myself all the time. But yep, they turned against me. They did it in front of everyone at lunch, recess, and even during one class period when the teacher left the room.

In 7th grade, I had a group of friends I always hung out with and talked to. We spent the night with each other and I thought we were good friends. But one day at lunch, they started whispering to each other, and wouldn't tell me what they were talking about. Finally, one of the girls said, "Oh my God, I'll just tell her." And she looked at me, touched my arm and said, "You are really, really annoying and they don't want you to hang out with them anymore." The worst part was, I was the quiet one.

Soooo...it really does suck to be the one picked on. But at least you recognize it and are sorry you did it. I'm sure you'll be forgiven at the Gates.

Anonymous said...

This post is what this whole blog is about, annonymous raw feelings being shared. i love it.

Kelly said...

I can't believe I read the whole thing....

This blog has officially gotten to nasty for me.

Best of luck to both of you though. It was fun while it lasted.

My advise is to stay away from situations that would be too tempting with Sanders. You both deserve better.

Bali said...

These history blogs of you and Calvin need to stop. I don't care how you were when you were a kid. I'm never going to meet you and don't want you as a friend. Just blog about your stupid stories that are happening now at the Bachelor Pad. That is what's entertaining and why we've come to read the blog.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts on Sanders...
Cut bait and run!!! If you don't know by now that she is "the one", you need to get out of the relationship. Your physical relationship has crossed the line and if your not careful you are going to have problem no matter how strong you think you are now.

If you do decide to stay together and if she is "the one", don't EVER be alone together!!! I can understand the goodnight kiss at a doorstep, but being alone and making out hours at a time will only get you in trouble.

Anonymous said...

I don't think you're a bad person by nature. How can you be? You're a child of God with divine worth, which sometimes may be hard to remember. We are here to be tested and tried and sometimes we fall to the enticings of Satan.

You did some pretty cruel things to those kids but the atonement is real and thank God for that. It's a good thing Christ is our only judge and he knows all your struggles.

That being said. I don't know how I feel about Sanders. She needs a good talking to.

Anonymous said...

Okay,since no one else has, I want to comment in defense of Sanders. Having been divorced myself and having to go back to dating, I have kind of been there (and it stinks). When I was seriously dating the man I'm now married to, we did have some serious make-outs. I don't think men (or women, or most virgins) truly understand that once you've had sex, its waaay to easy to go back. It gets a little confusing how something that feels so good was okay to do and then suddenly it isn't.

Usually it IS the woman who draws the line and says stop. The problem for me was that once turned on all the way, I didn't want to stop. I had to draw the line pretty far back because if I was turned on all the way, odds were pretty good I wasn't going to stop- and I knew exactly how to help him not stop either. As much as I loved my guy, I had zero confidence that he would call it quits before things went too far.

I'm willing to give Sanders the benefit of the doubt and to think that she reached that too-turned-on point. Or maybe she was checking to see just how far you would let it go (I admit to pushing my guy, but not that far!). Either way, she knows you and she likes you still. Thats impressive.

And good for you for overcoming the natural man. That's even more impressive!

Anonymous said...

Blazzer - you just said "do me" to Becca.

Tara - are you speaking from experience? There are actually guys out there with standards, maybe you have just never dated one.

Megan (with the ponytail) - you are a b---- for telling Becca she has an ugly personality! I have seen your comments in the past and you have the ugliest personality.

Haley - um hi, jake and calvin are also anonymous.

Anonymous said...

I liked Sanders at first, but she is such a slut! She really thinks it's ok to dry hump and touch you down there? what kind of Mormon is she? Stay away from her. You should find a good girl, like Andrea.
Seriously, she is disgusting me right now...

Anonymous said...

Let us oft speak kind words to each other people. Just because you say it anonymously on a blog doesn't mean you're not bullying.

Learn from, don't judge others.

Come on.

M-Cat said...

The beginning of the post had me thinking - you are an ass.
The middle of post had me thinking - you are an ass but at least admitting it.
The end of the post had me thinking - please, for the love of all that's holy, hope he used fake names for his victims otherwise, he's victimized them once again.

And Sanders? If she's real, I'm STILL not convinced, is a tool. She knew exactly what she was doing and unless you are sure you are going to marry her, she'll keep at you until you give in.

And is it just me, or is dry humping (certainly til you cum) considered wrong? Sex doesn't have to be just intercourse.

Maybe I'm just too damn old to understand all this...... : )

And finally, you're still funny and I'll still keep reading. Anyone who is an asshole and will openly admit it, is a-okay to me!

John said...

Slut? B****? Jerk?

You Mormons need to get out. At least this guy is an example of a human being. Falible. Uncertain. Trying. Perhaps he's an anomaly.

I think I'll let those salesman, uh (cough) missionaries at least try next time they come by.

Epiphany said...

ya, I just had one.

Now I know why I don't like you Jake. I couldn't quite put my finger on it before, but now it makes perfect sense. I am a very forgiving person but ONLY because of the atonement would I ever even want to forgive a person like you.

I can forgive you but that doesn't mean I have to like you.

hope I'm wrong said...

I feel so sorry for your future wife and kids. I would not want to be on the other side of a fight with you. I am predicting that you will be very verbally abusive to your future spouse. It is very, very sad to even think about. You may think you have changed, and I hope you have. But I know people like you, and sometimes marriage can bring out the worst in someone.

I hope you talk about this with your future wife so that she is aware of what she is getting herself into.

Epiphany said...

oh and I almost forgot...

you were right about one thing Jake - Andrea is definitely too good for you.

Anonymous said...

Be careful with Saunders. I knew a guys who got into a long term relationships with an lds girl, and when he wouldn't move forward with an engagement, she seemed to think all she had to do to get him, was to up the passion level. The clothes eventually came off, there was a pregnancy scare (false) and she got a proposal anyway. Have you talked to Saundersa about her divorce? about her courtship before her marriage? Perhaps one of the reasons the marriage didn't work out was because she was so obsessed with getting married that she forgot to really get to know the guy before hand or was only focusing on the passionate side of the relationship. Relationships are about way more than physical intimacy and temple recommends.

Lachele said...

Wow, uhhh that was pretty harsh. I've never been made fun of but I have seen friends get bullied and how "screwed up" they became as a result of that. I really do hope you feel bad about it. I guess it shows that you're a pretty decent person for trying to make restitution. Nice work Jake.

Nikki, you're crazy and old. Why don't you get a life instead of insulting people and their comments. Just a thought. Don't you have like some old person thing to be doing, like cooking for your kids, or hanging out with your husband, something OTHER than reading the blog of two young adult boys.... you creeper!

bd said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again: 95% of the girls that post on this blog want Jake and Calvin to marry whomever it is that they are posting about this week. Now that we're seeing who Lisa really is everyone jumps off the bandwagon.

I hope this serves as a lesson to all you young and immature girls (and guys) out there that there is value in the counsel to have a long courtship and a short engagement. Take your time and make a good, rational decision. Hopefully you'll be able to stick with it forever.

Nadia said...

I thought this post was a little sad but overall didn't change my impression of you, Jake. From the very beginning you've repeatedly told all blog readers you are not the best guy in the world but you try to act as your religion and values dictate. The person you are now in this moment and the person you strive to be in important. Some of these people's comments have taken a ridiculously harsh tone when all you were doing was fessing up to your past failings.

As for Lisa....
I'm still on the Lisa bandwagon. Yeah, for self-control but you should probably talk to her about it because that's not really a situation you want to find yourself in repeatedly.

Nikki said...

Lachelle, OMG I have never had anyone say that to me before on this blog, that is a brand new insult. I am shocked and all busted up about it. I do know you will look much older than me when you are my age because you are way too tan. Thanks for acknowledging my presence it is what I strive for in my comments, I am an attention whore. Does it make you less of a creeper because you bitch slapped me like I did Becca and you are young? Don't think so. Bitch is as bitch does, so what does that make you? A bitch. Now STFU and ignore me mmmkay.

lyse. hi. said...

Would Andrea have done this to you? I think you already know what to do. Hello, you don't even love her.

bye lisa

Anonymous said...

I have been reading this blog since the beginning and have never had the inclination to post anything, but after seeing some of these comments I am a little disturbed at how judgemental everyone is. Yes Jake, what you did to those kids was wrong, but who are we to judge you? We all make our own mistakes whether we want to admit it or not. And Sanders? I totally have been in your shoes and have struggled to say no..sometimes I didn't. That is why we have the Atonement...for when we screw up. Satan is so much more powerful than we give him credit for. You are a strong person and I commend you for stopping Lisa. That takes a huge amount of courage. Wow this is long...some of these people are vicious in their comments. I'm going back to my anonymous reading.
Good Luck.

Tiffany said...

This post made me feel a lot.
First you can feel your faith and testimony as you thank HF.

Second I am frustrated with Sanders. She is a returned missionary, I want her to be better. I want her to be Andrea I guess. Everyone needs to be with someone who is better than we are to help us be better. I guess I wish that you would break up with Sanders.

Third,
I felt so much sadness for the kids you bullied and wondered what happened to you that made you so cruel and mean. You think something did, as you mentioned in your "dexter" comment. I am sure God understand, because he knows what has happened to each of us and how it affects us.

And finally it made me feel impressed that you are so introspective and can really look at yourself and be honest, then share it with us for us to learn and grow too.
Thanks

Anonymous said...

You both went on mission's and therefore have been though the Temple. You took convents and you know exactly what those are. Remember those and act on them.

Yeah good job on stopping her, but you never should have been in a situation where you were making out so heavy that she went there.

It's people like you that give us Mormons bad names.

Amy said...

I have a girl crush on Nikki.

Autumn said...

As a second post... come the heck down people. Jeez. Jake isn't stupid and doesn't need anyone telling him what to do :] Thanks.

Lorelei said...

Really? This post actually made people cry? Out of sadness? I was almost crying because some parts were so funny but certainly not because I felt sad for anyone, bully or bullied. some of the stuff Jake pulled as a kid was ingenious. Mean but ingenious nonetheless.

And Sanders certainly doesn't act like she wants you to want her for anything other than sex. That was a super manipulative move on her part. I totally understand how hard it is to not do something once it's been experienced, but that's what self control is for, and she needs some. Not just for herself but because it's not fair to put someone else in that situation.

xoxo Lorelei

Maggie said...

I felt like you were bragging about your bully past, at least a little bit. "Look how twisted I was. I am/my religion is so amazing I can't believe I don't do that stuff anymore."

THEN you talk about a possible hand job like it's just as bad as emotionally scarring three people. Something tells me God would be more upset about the latter.

jocelyn said...

I have totally felt that way about sex as well. It's so hard to go back once you've gone far! I agree with one of the anonymous posts that talked about being on sanders side becuase of her divorce. I am LDS and I am so glad that you are brave enough to share this because most mormons i know would be ashamed. Thanks for letting me know that even mormons are human! Sometimes I feel so guilty. You know? But GOOD JOB on sticking up for yourself. Sex is hard because it's such a normal and amazing thing but in our religion it's not okay til you're married!

Anonymous said...

If something like that ever happens again. PLEASE just think of your future wife and how devastated she will be if you had already given that special gift to someone else.

Anonymous said...

"Would Andrea have done this to you? I think you already know what to do."

You know, I was pretty upset when Jake dumped Andrea but the more I read the more I'm glad he did. Honestly she DOES deserve better. Jake isn't the kind of guy she wants or needs.

Example: She specifically asked him not to do certain things while they were kissing and he was okay with that...for a while. But then, just like he said in this post he always thinks about himself and he did a lot of things that were way out of her comfort zone.

Please please please pleeeease don't go back to Andrea and if she keeps trying to get back with you just out yourself. Tell her that you're "Jake" and send her the link to your blog, that will definitely change her mind.

p.s. it's people like you that makes me TERRIFIED to send my kids to school.

Blazzer said...

Maggie - read the post next time. Jake was not comparing his cruelty as a child to his sexual encounter. He shared the first stories to emphasize the point that a person who could so easily do something as offensive to God as bully others so severely could and probably would have a very easy time commiting a far more trivial sin. To withstand a smaller sin when one has a history of doing the very wrong thing because of that persons faith is a stronger display of change than to withstand a more severe sin.

...and to all of you who say that Jake should never be with Andrea. Go look up the definition of sanctimonious. Then explain to me how those comments comply with "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." or "thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." or "considerest the beam in thy own eye."

Perhaps all of us (including me) need to personally reconcilethe idea, "For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again."

I too have judged harshly.

-blazzer

Cait said...

Now I won't call sanders a "slut" like several holier-than-thous on here have done. After all, she was married. Hand down pants is probably nothing at all to her. But that was definitely a manipulative thing she did, probably driven by the insecurity she felt after you confessed your non-love to her. Sometimes we really do think that if we can make them want us sexually, they'll want us non-sexually too. Really unhealthy unrequited love relationship. You should end it, its not fair to her to continually try to think up ways to trick you into loving her, and not fair to you to have to be on high-alert from now on.

anonymous said...

really?? this blog is a total slap in the face to women in general (as per your rating system), other lds people(as per your actions and complete disrespect for the church), and the women you date and eventually end up marrying.

are you comfortable writing these intimate/personal details about your wife for the world to see? is she ok with that? because believe me, she WILL find out. word will get out and spread like a disease. something like this will never be a secret. shame on you for writing about these girls (daughters of god, if you are so inclined), and sharing such personal details. you'll eventually find...in time...that you are the only person you're hurting. i promise you, you'll find that.

so...whether or not this blog is real...i don't know, but i have my doubts. but either way, this is the absolute stupidest thing i have stumbled upon on the internet in years. i really HATE this site. it's so hypocritical and arrogant and it just radiates evil.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I left the anonymous comment at 6:40 just to see if you'd post it. So... You moderate comments why?

I actually love this blog. Hopefully it atleast makes the sidebar.

Anonymous said...

He who is without sin cast the first stone.
We all have skeletons in our closet, we all make not so good choices. We're here to learn.
This is a freaking anonymous blog, lighten up people.
And lighten up a little Jake, sometimes you get too serious. Just my 2 cents, Sanders is desperate for a relationship, probably one you can't give her. Go be single and live it up.
-Lily

Lauren said...

Alma 5: 30-31

erika said...

The honesty is refreshing.. it's too bad we can only be honest when nobody knows.

Tiffy J. said...

I don't like you.
I'm glad Doug kicked you.
but. I am glad you have tried to find the other two. Please remember that you do have the gospel, and make yourself the kind of person you would want to hang out with.
but also. Thank you for setting Andrea free. She does deserve someone better.

Heather Guymon said...

This post was rather interesting to me. For one, I wanted to ring your little neck for the things you did to those kids...but on the other hand since you had this change of heart, and it is sincere, that is ALL that matters. That's what this life is about. I won't lie...bullies piss me off. I wouldn't think twice about taking someone like you use to be and castrating you. However, that would be slightly hypocritical of me, and I would rather wait and let God be the judge of someone's heart in the end. You are a good person Jake. It takes a lot of guts to post something like that for the world to read and scrutinize. I tend to be like you in the sense that I sometimes have a hard time fighting the urge to be bad. I have to surround myself with people that will influence me to always do right, otherwise I fall prey to "outer darkness" myself.

Anyway. Nice post. In the end I would say you turned out pretty OK.

Anonymous said...

Nikki...crazy...wow - it is just a post and you don't even know who these people are. Take a break, Mom.

Jake...yikes...it did sound like you were bragging a bit on both episodes.

Saunders has had sex before - probably plenty of times. Long kissing sessions lead to sex for most people, it is called foreplay. If you don't want to have sex, don't lead her there. Have respect for yourself and her. I don't understand how you think it is okay to have multiple long make out sessions with many girls but she, who has considerable experiences, may slip and take it further and everyone is judging her like she is a slut. Intimacy is a lot more than sex. When you all grow up, you will realize that.

BTW, your religion does not make you a good person - your choices do. Make the right choice because it is the right choice, not because your religion says you have to.

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one who just realized that Lisa has been married before? Please elaborate......

Morgan said...

The first part of this made me incredibly sad. I have a brother who treated me the same way for years and as a result I have suffered from depression and I am now seeing a therapist. My brother stole every ounce of self worth that I had, and he can never give it back. I'm really not trying to make you feel guilty, but I just want to make it clear that you may not even realize the damage that you may have caused in those people's lives. I'm really feeling for them.

That being said, I really do respect you for being so open about this. It's obvious that you know that you did something wrong, and that you're trying to change. It's true that we all make mistakes. We all have our weaknesses, and those just happen to be yours. It doesn't make you any worse of a person than anyone else. I hope that you always remember that.

Anonymous said...

Obviously anything I say doesn't really matter, but I hope this helps. My husband and I knew each other growing up and somewhere in there I realized I loved him. You remind me of him in a few ways. We weren't dating before his mission, but when he got back, we were always together. 4 months after he got back, we knew we were going to get married.. we just had to find the right time. We ended up marrying 14 months after he got back. Here are the two ways you are similar - trying to find out what love is, and dry humping (I didn't approve either, but it still happened -and he was more vocal on saying no). About a month after he got home from his mission he went to the temple and was trying to find out if he loved me, he realized God wasn't the one to tell him that. He had to figure it out on his own. When you love somebody, you know. To resolve the dry humping (we already knew we were going to get married), we didn't kiss for a couple of weeks. He was going out of town for about 5 of those days and we decided we wouldn't kiss until he got back.
To help with your situation (especially if you're not sure if you love Sanders enough to marry her) you should think about a few things. You could continue dating if you still need time to figure that out, but you probably need to talk about how far things are going. She needs to respect you and your decisions in what is considered too far, even if she doesn't agree. If she loves you enough, she will do this. It worries me that she just "grinned" when things went too far. It's like she still didn't feel bad about it. Also, think about how far you might go if you saw each other every day. Maybe you should try to not even kiss for a little bit just to practice self control. You have both been to the temple. Have you ever gone together? It might help you remain temple worthy and remember to end each night feeling temple worthy. Don't hurry love, but don't let it go either. When you find the person you want to marry, you will know. Don't be afraid and don't worry if it takes a while before it's the right time to get married. Even after my husband and I knew we were going to get married it was another 10 months before we felt we were ready.

Good luck!

lifechick said...

Jake, I mean this in a not-bitchy way. The funny part of this post is when you say "if I didn't relay these stories I don't think you would believe me when I say that I am a bad person by nature."

Really? Maybe if we hadn't ever read this blog. You have left some clues to this part of your nature before now.

At least you know you did wrong as a kid. Recognize you have enough goodness in your nature to both understand and regret that. Nobody's all bad or all good - even us preachy sorts on here. ;)

Anonymous said...

"She needs to respect you and your decisions in what is considered too far, even if she doesn't agree."

Why? he didn't respect Andrea.

Anonymous said...

It can be hard to get yourself to stop that stuff when your in the moment! Good job though!!!
And at least you tried to find them and apologize! as long as you know in your heart that it was wrong and felt bad i think heavenly father will be more than happy to forgive you!

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one to find it kind of hilarious that Jeremiah Smith wore whitey tighteys with rockets and Calvin's profile pic is the one where he's wearing his favorite rocketship underpants? Calvin, are you Jeremiah Smith!?! Ha ha