My older brother, Rod, has been married for about two years. He got married while I was on my mission so the only memory I have of his wedding are the photos my family mailed to me while I was in Ireland. His wife's name is Molly and she is pretty freaking awesome.When my family mailed me the photos I remember thinking, "Wow. She's really not attractive." I passed around the photos to other missionaries to make sure it wasn't just me. It wasn't. She's actually bordering on being ugly. Which is odd because my older brother is a pretty good looking guy. He's hilarious, as well. His sense of humor is more crude than mine is, but he's always making everyone around him laugh. I don't feel threatened by him, either. I think it's because (since his humor is so often off-color) people get sick of him rather quickly. Usually, people laugh hysterically at first. After 10 or 20 jokes, the laughter starts to die down and it turns into "courtesy", awkward type of laughter. But when he keeps on telling the gross, bodily function, personal hygiene types of jokes, people usually get irritated and leave the room. That's when I used to step in and steal all the attention.
When I was in Ireland, around my 18 month mark, my family put together a video of everyone in my family. It was amazing. I got to see how everyone had changed since I'd been gone. But it was also pretty awesome to see my brother and his new wife. Rod was video taping her, asking her questions and it was obvious they were in love. There were lots of inside jokes and Molly's laugh was adorable. I could tell from the video why he had chosen to marry her. She was perfect for him. He even made a "period' joke on the tape and Molly cocked her head to the side and said, "Roooooodney!". But she was smiling and it was obvious she was doing it out of obligation and that she really thought the joke was funny. She was perfect. Except she was ugly.
I got home from my mission and met her for the first time. It was weird meeting a new member of my family that everyone else had known for an entire year. I noticed she had a big butt. Not just "round" or "hippy". She had a big, unproportionate rear end. I watched Rod cuddling her on the couch and tickling her. She was kicking and giggling. It was cool to see them interacting... in person.
Rodney is my go-to man for dating and marriage advice. I'm not sure if he should be cause he's only been married for about two years, but it's two years longer than me so I know he has something to teach me.
I went to my parents house for dinner on Sunday and Rod was there with Molly. I pulled him aside and asked him what I should be looking for. I asked what I should expect. He knew what I was asking even though I couldn't didn't know exactly how to ask it.
He said when I was ready, I would just know. He stressed that it's different for everyone, but assured me that if I was sensitive to the Spirit, I would know her when I met her.
I asked Rod how important it was to hold out for the hottest girl possible. He glanced around quickly, like he was preparing to tell a racist joke and wanted to make sure there were no Asians in the room. Then he said, "Listen, Calvin. Molly isn't the hottest girl in the world. In fact, she's only about a 6... but she's amazing. It shouldn't matter how hot your wife is, as long as you know you can be happy with her."
Even though Rod's advice is sound, I haven't been able to get over the fact that he told me his wife was just barely above average (depending on his own personal scale of attractiveness). Then again, if his wife was super hot, his advice wouldn't have been quite as meaningful to me. I'd have just thought, "So you're telling me I should be comfortable marrying an ugly? That's easy for YOU to say." But since his wife isn't hot and he admitted to me that she's not hot... I dunno... it just makes his advice mean a lot more to me.
For the record, when I get married I will never ever... ever tell anyone that I think she is less than a 10. Can you imagine what could happen if Molly ever found out that Rod only thought she was a 6?
I think I'm going to start wearing a button on my shirt that says something like, "Who is Keyser Soze?" or maybe "There can be only one!". If a girl approaches me to tell me how awesome my button is, then I'll just propose to her right there... where ever we are. Wait. First, I'll ask if she's Mormon and if she'll scratch my back during Sacrament Meeting.
Calvin
51 comments:
Hmmm...I'm impressed with Rod. I like him. I find it so endearing when a guy falls in love with a girl because of who she IS, not what she looks like.
That's probably because I'm one of those girls that you have to get to know to find attractive. But I'm okay with that because that way I know when I get old he will still love me...unless I turn into a crotchety old bitch. :)
I love The Usual Suspects. Greatest. Movie. Ever.
I really liked this post. In a strange way, I found it rather sweet, minus you calling your sister-in-law ugly. Sounds like your brother is pretty smart when it comes to marriage/dating, you should take his advice. Though I don't know if your brother is right about that "you'll just know" things...because I feel like I'm going to marry any semi-attractive boy that flirts with me..haha.
And I like that you won't ever admit your wife is less than a 10, that's nice of you. Hopefully she actually will be.
"So you're telling me I should be comfortable marrying an ugly?"
It really shouldn't, but that line made me laugh so hard!
Sounds like your bro has a good head on his shoulders. I'm glad he's the one giving you advice.
A 6? that is still pretty good. I mean, she's no 3 or 2.
Speaking of scratching backs.. I have a friend that asked if I would scratch not only his back, but his sides, his arms, his chest, his stomach, and his legs. Done and Done. He owes me big time.
I hope you find a really awesome girl someday. Even if she is just a 6.
I know what you mean. I've described myself as shallow more than once, but aren't we all to a certain point?? I know where you are coming from, and if you figure out how to get over the looks thing let me know. I used to think I liked my ex based on personality... now looking back at pictures I'm like 'darn it! he was really really hot!"
Kevin Spacey would be flattered. ;)
I too liked this post. I know that you probably already know this (I hope) but even if you marry a "10" now she is not going to be that way forever. Have you ever seen an 80 year old grandma and thought to yourself... Mmm. She's a 10?
It's important that you find your future wife attractive, but even more important that you fall in love with her personality no matter how she looks. Someday, her good looks will go away and you will still need to love her... Until she is resurrected!
I don't know why, but this post was unsettling for me. I liked it, but.. well, idk.
Anyway. I think your brother gave you some sound advice there.. personality has to trump the hotness. Looks should just be a plus in a relationship.
Some girls appreciate honesty like your brother gave. I would :)
I think that is total BS.
I mean you don't have to pick the absolute hottest person out there, but you ABSOLUTELY HAVE to be attracted to them. If you don't have that physical chemistry, then guaranteed it wont last.
I'm not saying that looks will last forever, because they won't. And YES there must be something deeper than looks alone. You can't base marriage just off looks, but at the same time you can't base it soley off of personality. If you do, I betcha in a few years you will have a wandering eye. You know, just sayin.
It needs to be a healthy balance between BOTH looks and personality. You NEED to be attracted to them inside and out. And when she comes along, you will just know.
I agree with your brother- to a point. I was stuck on finding a "hot" guy to marry- but every one that I dated ended up being a total dud. I ended up marrying someone who was the complete opposite of my type- and he has made me the happiest girl on Earth.
Once you're with someone EVERYDAY- even the hottest of hottest girls will fade. Personality is by far the most important thing. A "6" can turn into an "8" just because of a great personality. You need to marry your best friend- but you also need sexual chemistry- or else she'll end up being that, your best friend.
If a man has a good relationship with his mother he will undoubtedly go for a woman that gives him that same feeling of security he gets from Mom and looks will not matter to him. Men will go after the HOT ones because it generates a fake infatuated feeling of hormones, but when other men look at her when he is with her, Mr. insecurity will show up. Men are motivated by sex but when all is said and done, the woman that makes him feel like a nurtured sucking baby is the one he takes home permanently. That is not to say hot women can't be motherly, but more often than not hot women are more concerned with their hotness to nurture their male. They use their looks to land their horny man and continue to manipulate throughout their marriages. I have a friend who married a hot girl and left her for a fat ugly girl and why did he? Because he got tired of other men checking out his wife and she spent money like a crack whore to stay hot and was boring as hell. You have a wise brother...but ugly to you now will be beautiful in a few years or so. It's amazing how women with men who adore them get more beautiful with time. She may be a MILF before you know it! :)N
I need to disagree with Alexis... if you are married to me and feel the need to tell me a rating it better be a 10. If I don't ask you to rate me (no matter who you are) and you still want to, you better say 10. Otherwise I am just going to think you're an ass for needing to tell me I'm a 4.
Um - some women know there are only a 6 and will see right through the 10 crap. And just because someone is a 6 on the scale doesn't mean there won't be chemistry. Your brother is wise, and it sounds like they have fun together and really love each other - sounds like a good match. This is the type of couple who will still be in love in their 80's when noboby's a 10.
Um - some women know there are only a 6 and will see right through the 10 crap. And just because someone is a 6 on the scale doesn't mean there won't be chemistry. Your brother is wise, and it sounds like they have fun together and really love each other - sounds like a good match. This is the type of couple who will still be in love in their 80's when noboby's a 10.
Hmm... I've been married for almost 5 years years now and I'd have to say I disagree.
1. When you get married everything (good/bad) is magnified. AKA if I just thought my husband was a 6 well... we wouldn't be practicing making babies all the time. The top 3 reasons for divorce sex, family, and money. (which means these should be priorities in a long term relationship) Your spouse has to turn you on or it will be a HUGE problem in marriage. You can't orgasm from a persons sweet personality. You may think this doesn't matter and you could be happy without it but once you're married you'll realize this isn't the case.
2. Like I said before with everything 'magnified' in marriage it also means that the qualities that you love about someone (personality) becomes less important(sometimes annoying) and your ability to solve promblems together is far more important.
3. While I agree with comments that hotness fades I somewhat disagree on this point. Most people don't marry exclusively based on looks. Once you are attracted to someone I think you continue to perceive them as previously scored.
4. Men should not marry a woman who he doesn't find attractive because pregnancy only makes the person's physique/personaility LESS attractive. And 9 months x 12 kids is a hell of a long time to be with someone you don't get along with and you're not attracted to.
Lastly, all of the girls making comments about how they want a man to love them for their personality shows
1. You have not dated very much. You really do want a guy who doesn't love your body too.
2. You are insecure. Even if you are ugly a lack self confidence makes you more unattractive then what they really are. You can always improve your looks by running, wearing cute clothes, and putting on makeup. Lounging around in sweats with your hair in a pony tail all day is not attractive.
Hmm... Interesting.
Before a few months ago, before we were dating, I thought my boyfriend wasn't all that or anything. Just average. But then the more I get to know him, the more I notice stuff that I find really attractive Like "will you please stop doing your homework? I need to kiss your face like five minutes ago." attractive.
Personality in the long run is so much more important than looks.
Looks change and mature.
It is important to be physically attracted to the person you marry, but a lasting relationship is a balance between the physical and the emotional, with the emotional aspect more important.
If you think the physical component is the most important part of a relationship, you will never be completely fulfilled.
And Anon 11:49, I think you showed us all who the real insecure one is. Your post reeks of insecurity.
Let me ask you this:
How much of your household income goes to looking cute? I would bet you go clothes shopping at least 2 times a month, have priced a boob job, and drive a 2 year old SUV.
And I disagree, my wife looks absolutely beautiful pregnant. Her willingness to sacrifice her body and comfort to bring our children into the world means so much more to me than a perfect figure.
Unless of course your husband thinks that you are the very hottest in sweats and a pony tail. Anon 11:49 I have to say that I disagreed with every single word that you just wrote.
Great post! Rodney sounds like a great guy, and I really hope that you can take his advice to heart. You should marry someone because of who they are, not what they look like. I know that there is a certain amount of attraction needed; but if you look inside, and if you love what you find there, your feelings about their outward appearance can change. It's happened to me.
Good luck, Calvin!
Also, Anon 11:49, the number one factor and stated reason for divorce is financial issues, not sex. I think your own priorities might have influenced your ranking. And, I agree with Scott. Your comment does reek of insecurity. If someone is comfortable and confident in sweats and a tshirt, they've achieved a higher level of self-worth and -love than I imagine you have. That is all.
Hopefully, your brother finds his wife extremely attractive. I mean, all "rating scales" aside, I would hope that if he wasn't attracted to her, both physically and emotionally, that he wouldn't have married her, right?
Basically, I think your scale can really come back to bite you in the butt. If that's all you think about when you first meet a girl, you could be missing out on a lot, don't you think? Have you never come across a girl that might not be a 10, but, wow, after you got to know her, she mysteriously got more attractive?
Don't let your self-imposed rating system keep you from what God has for you. It could backfire... :)
(Don't get me wrong though, I do think it's hilarious!)
Anonymous 11:49 said...
"You can't orgasm from a persons sweet personality."
That is just bullshit and that sucks for you.
You're a dork. Why do you keep thinking you should hold out for the hottest girl? I'm sorry but if that girl ever comes along she probably won't be interested in you.
One of your best post. Rod sounds awesome, and I think if you take his advice you will end up very happy!
I have an awesome marriage, and I married my husband for his looks.
Luckily he was super nice and good to me too. He is the kind of man that just adores his wife, wants to always be with her and do everything he can to make her happy.
His personality is lame, but he is so kind and good and makes me happy. We like never fight. Truely. He is just too nice.
He is not cool in anyway, or even super smart, not funny either. Kinda dorky. But so so very giving, caring, and treats me so dang good, he looks at me everyday like he is madly in love with me.
Although he is really really hot, I dont like how he smells, his natural smell, like, well....the Chemistry is not really there.
Not that we dont have great sex, we do, but Chemically not as good as some from my past. Rather so so.
But I love him, with all my heart. He is the best person I know and is such a great father and man.
We just work together, I am totally devoted and enjoy him and his adoration better than anything in the whole world.
So my advice is... Just find the right person for you. Many of the things that people think are important are not important.
We truly have the best marriage and life of any of my friends. We are a wonderful couple and a happily married, for a very long time.
I think looks are important, but so is physical attractiveness, but it's not the only thing.
I was not attracted to my husband when we first met, but as I got to know him he became more attractive, and now we've been happily married for almost 8 years. (He's also much older than me so the age thing turned me off, and so did his teeth, but I've gotten over that and realized all looks don't matter as much. I love him, I find him sexually attractive and we have sex, even if you had told me when I first met him I would marry him I might have thought you were crazy. )
I would say most women know where they are on a scale of looks. I think I'm about a 6, more on the way to being pretty than being ugly, I just have a little weight to lose, and I know there are woman both more attractive than me and less. I would say my husband is about a 6 and there are those who are more attractive than him and less. We both are very open when we see others we think are cute, but that's the human wiring in us, to wander and look and sometimes want to touch, but because of our openness we might look, but never touch.
Truth be told, we love each other for who we are and the fact that we try to work things out and care for each other. He also thinks I'm pretty cute, even though I've born two children, have slightly saggy breast and a big butt. He loves me and every inch of me and I love him, his cute butt, hairy chest, though not too hairy, and even his bad teeth, I love every inch of him.
I think on bad days you might examine what is wrong with your spouse, but I've found on days I've done that it's because I'm not happy with myself and thus am sabotaging my own happiness with someone who loves me.
Gotta love this post. I definitely have a big bottom and find that there may be hope for me after all.... ;)
Rod sound's like a cool dude. Listen to him, Calvin.
Lacey, I think your reply is so sweet! That shows true love right there.
Back rubs in the front room lead to front rubs in the back room!!!
Anon 11:49...Someone has a stick up their butt.
I already commented, but I loved the comments on this almost as much as the post. It's so true that a person can become way more attractive once you get to know them, and vice versa. I've found that less attractive guys tend to have killer personalities, and that makes them way more attractive in my eyes. I've met plenty of hot guys that are jerks and have no social skills at all, and in turn, they become quite a bit less attractive. I guess it's that whole "don't judge a book by it's cover thing." It took me awhile to get over refusing to like a guy unless he had perfect features, but I feel like I've met some pretty stellar guys as a result. And someone said that looks eventually fade..But I feel like if you truly love someone, they will only become more beautiful with time. I look at my Grandpa and how he talks and looks at my Grandma, and I can tell he thinks she is the most beautiful woman on earth. That's definitely the kind of relationship I want someday. It's all about finding someone that you work well with...I've found it very true that you find someone that is not what you were looking for at all.
And I'm done.
She must be funny.
(I miss AD)
Hold out for the hottest girl possible? Calvin, I thought you were better than that.
Holy crap. Interesting post. Here's my opinion. You have to be attracted to your spouse in order to enjoy anything physical. Sure, I might be "shallow" but at least I'll be happy, and be able to sleep with my husband without throwing a paper bag over her head. Calvin, I think you can find someone attractive AND sweet. Perfect for you. Keep looking.
I really liked this post a lot.
and your brother is good people.
(I always thought it was kinda weird when people called one person "people" but oh well. I guess I'm one of those people now).
Anyway now that I've said people 500 times I'm ending this comment.
Just make love in the dark, then you won't even be able to tell.
WOW. I'm seriously surprised at how many married people read this blog.... lol.
Isn't blogging fabulous.
As for the looks everyone is shallow we just have to remember... everything in balance.... You have to have some form of attraction.
I have been married for 10 years, and totally enjoy reading this blog!
My brother waited for several years after his mission to find a "hot" girl. He finally found her and she was so beautiful! I mean , she had big boobs, long blonde hair, tiny waist, and she even had a great personality (sort of, for the most part). The crazy thing is after 5 kids she is now overweight, wears glasses, puts her hair in a pony tail (and even chopped it all off at one point) and rarely wears makeup or does anything to look cute. I am serious!
The really sad part is that they are both unemployed, just foreclosed on their house and she screams at her kids all the time and has turned a little loony if you ask me.
I think it is important to be attracted to the person you marry, but waiting for a really "hot" one won't always get you through those tough times that may be ahead. And I think my SIL is very unattractive now because of both her looks and personality. I think about the girl my bro. almost married that wasn't as hot but still cute, things would be different now.
I say look for someone that is attractive, smart, funny, no major baggage or character flaws, and someone that is still an amazing person even when life gets difficult. Good luck!
p.s. Your brother is right, you will just know. And you are pretty smart to listen to him for marriage advice!
Calvin-how do you feel about the scale?- I've heard that you only typically date/marry someone who is either two numbers ahead or below that, anything else and it would just be wierd. hello hugh hiefner and his women its just wrong he is not even close to their number, good for hime that he can get them though. Anyways thats not the point, if molly is a 6 and you said your brother is better looking so by the rules of the scale he should only be an 8. So do you think the scale is true or crap?
O' wow, it just got a lot more important for you to not let your true identity be revealed... cuz your brother will be living in the dog house when it happens...
I guess the real question, given his advice is can you be happy with someone you consider a 6... or would you grow to resent them for it? No one deserves to be settled for. And, I know I would not be happy settling for someone I found unattractive... or even moderately attractive.
True story. My husband is addicted to back tickling. During our dating months, I tickled mercilessly...
7 years later, email him and ask him if I tickle his back...no seriously...do it:
shaneguymon@gmail.com
ANYwho...your brother has a good head on his shoulders. Looks WILL change with time Calvin. You will both get older, gain a little weight, get saggy in places you never thought possible. Thing is, when you have a marriage based off of looks you are just setting yourself up for failure. When you have a relationship based off things that SHOULD matter, like personality, compassion, Christ like attributes, etc. then it is much easier to make things work.
Dude marriage is hard. After 7 years I still don't know why my husband puts up with me most days, but, he does, and he freaking loves me.
I have to say I am quite fond of him myself.
You have to be attracted to someone physically to a certain extent, I want to feel wanted for how I look, I won't lie. But really? Personality makes you want to be with the person for eternity. Would you really want to be with someone ridiculously hot who sucks in every other way? Sometimes even if you're not immediately completely attracted to someone, it'll come with time, when you realize how much fun, etc. they are.
I call bull. People who are ugly usually have a chip on their shoulder from being ugly. They are always trying to overcompensate by being annoying and loud.
I say hold out for the hottest girl possible, that you can stand to be around. Then be super super nice and be on your best behavior. Say things like you will accept her whatever her past is and mean it and I will work so hard to support you in whatever you do. Just because a super hot person's personality has to be coaxed out does mean it is not there and awesome.
Your brother did not want to work for it. Like you said he says things even you know are wrong. So go work for it and you'll get it.
Seriously, there are tens looking for sixes to put them on a pedestal and love and adore them. Those woman tens are willing to do that because they think that way they can, in a way, own the sixes. That the sixes would never wander from them because they are a ten.
Just sayin'
I only like your "There can be only one" button. But I really didn't realize you were a Geek. The whole being shallow thing sorta made me think you were the type of guy who only wants a trophy wife. Now I am sceptical.
Too bad the most recent anonymous posted anonymously, otherwise we could assign a name to the stupidest comment in weeks.
I'm surprised Calvin that this is such an epiphany for you. Seeing as your best friend is dating and accidentally said "I love you" to a girl he also describes as a 6 who is amazing.
I guess that "in the mouth of two or three witnesses" could apply here.
Or, maybe it's just that YOU find your brothers wife "ugly" and think Sanders is "okay". Which is what makes this seem like such an eye opener.
I also am pretty sure your "OS scale" description covers this pretty well. A 6 with a great personality becomes a 10. At least that's how I understood it... then again non of your readers seemed to grasp that so maybe I'm just being daft.
-blazzer
I love how all these single ladies are in awe of you and Jake....and now your brother too. Keep blog stalking these guys ladies cuz you know they are just sitting at their computer waiting to bump into you....and then judge your attractiveness and marry you immediately. hahaha. I married an attractive man and we are always being told how good looking we both are and how everyone can't wait for us to make some hot babies...(welcome to Mormonville:). BUT...no matter how hot my husband is, I would have never stuck around for long if he didn't have a killer personality. After dating practically the whole douche population at the Y, I can tell you that I could have married about 70% of them regardless of their looks or their personality, but for me it was worth it to wait. When we met, I was immediately attracted to his tall, dark and handsome looks...BUT...also to his hilarious personality. The fact that he treated me well added to all the previously mentioned traits. After being married for a year, I can tell you that marriage is not easy. If someone tells you it is, then they are lying. However, it is a BLAST!!! If there is one thing I will say to the death about men, it is that every single man no matter who they are, is perverted and probably horny 24/7. So when you read this blog it's easy to think that Calvin and Jake (which are probably really two bored and bitter ladies) are dirty, horizontal fence sitters but really every guy is thinking what they are typing. Ladies, I hope that you follow your heart when dating and not some cynical, fake, and sad blog that I'll still read. lol.
I love the way everyone feels that the way things worked for them is the one and only right way. I can say that personally I think marriage is a hundred thousand times easier then dating and nope I am not lying and nope I didn't get married yesterday. You will find your spouse your way, you might know right away, you might take a couple years, you might think they are smokin from the beginning or they might grow on you there is no recipe.
Surprisingly, I came to leave a bitchy comment...and almost have a smile on my face after this post. I mean, quite frankly, because of personality and other factors, Rod probably thinks she's a 10 now. A 6 when he met her...then a 7 and 8 as he got to know her, then a 9 (time to get engaged) then a 10 (married life really is awesome...if you marry the right person).
The thing I will disagree with on this post (classily - because I'm sure you didn't mean it like you said it) is that you don't actually know right when you meet the person. My husband says he knew very quickly but MAN! It took some major convincing for me to feel that way. (Poor guy).
Anyway, yeah, when you meet her you'll know - but I doubt it will be immediate. Especially if she's a 6. You should ask your brother what he first thought when he met her.
Also, does it bother anyone else that young people are encouraged to get married young (mostly a cultural thing but also encouraged in singles wards) and then have babies early on...and now all the sudden there are a bunch of divorced single mothers out there? I think it's a necessity that you WAIT. Just sayin'.
Surprisingly impressed with the post. Aaaand, sorry for the novel.
You'll know who your suppose to marry by just looking at her, and knowing you want to spend time and all eternity with that person :)
Hey it's friday and there was no new post by you so thought of commenting here. Happy Birthday! :) Hope you didn't have too much fun ;)
Post a Comment