Saturday, January 2, 2010

Take That Tori

I have a lot to say and I'm trying to sort out in my mind how much of it is necessary to write in this post. If I skip over things that don't seem important, then I'm sure I'll get a lot of questions asking me to clarify... and I'm too lazy to actually respond to every single comment that contains a question mark so it might be better if I just did my best to put it all out there right now.

Jake alluded to a few things, so I should probably fill in a few of the gaps. Marie was out of town this last weekend. Something about her cousins in Ogden. I was relieved when she told me she wouldn't be around. I mean... who wants to take a date to a New Year's Party, right (besides Jake)? Well, Tori called me on Wednesday. (When I call my dad at work, our conversations have been brief and cordial so I was caught off guard when she called my cell.) She jumped right into her reason for calling... I assume to prevent me from trying to guess her reason. She said she was going to a New Year's party on Thursday night and thought my roommate, Nick, might get along with her friend, Jennifer. I agreed to go, but secretly felt like we probably just wouldn't show.

However, at about 10pm on Thursday night, after driving around for way too long looking for something to do, we decided to just go to Bountiful to see what Tori's party was like. Jake was with Lisa and then it was Aaron, Nick and me. When we got there, I was shocked to see there were very few people in attendance. I assumed Tori would never dare to show her face anywhere where she wasn't the center of attention around at least 30 guys. But there she was, looking stupid and embarrassed to be at a party with such weak attendance. Her eyes lit up when she saw me, Nick, Aaron and Jake walk in. We doubled the number of guys in this house. Tori immediately came over to us and gave me a huge hug. She then called over her friend Jennifer and introduced her to Nick. Tori then started to introduce the rest of us to the other guests... most of which were female... and several of which were pretty hot.

Usually, I have hard time being outgoing when I'm outside of my comfort zone. But this party was so lame, I really had very little choice. I pretty much just followed Aaron's lead. Jake was distracted with Lisa and Nick was sitting down by the fireplace trying to get to know Jennifer, I assumed. Aaron was on fire... and since I was right next to him, I was also ablaze. All of the girls were looking at Aaron since he was the eye candy, but they had no choice but pay attention to me when they witnessed my outstanding personality and dimpleless smile (have I mentioned that I wish I had dimples?).

I kept seeing Tori staring at me in my above-average and finely tuned peripheral vision. Seriously, my peripheral vision is so amazing, I can read peoples lips from 200 yards away using just my peripheral vision. I got the feeling that she was following me around for most of the night, but I refused to acknowledge her. I knew it was probably rude, but I also knew if I started talking to her then I'd miss any other opportunity to snog anyone else at midnight. After about an hour, Tori got the hint and started focusing on Aaron... which kind of pissed me off.

At about 11:15pm I noticed Aaron and Tori sitting and talking on the couch. I wandered over to the bookcase and noticed a whole shelf dedicated to film-making and movie scripts and stuff. One book caught my eye called Improvisation Starters. I started flipping through it and eventually took it over to Jake to show it to him. Even though it wasn't our party, we decided to try to liven things up a little bit. I asked Jennifer who the host of the party was. She gestured to a plump woman in her mid 20's standing alone by the kitchen table.

I walked over to her and introduced myself. She told me her name, but I don't remember what it was. I asked if she'd mind if we started to act out some scenes for entertainment. Before she could answer, another girl interrupted and said to the host, "Hey, where's Jeremy?" The lady said, "He's passed out upstairs on the bed. He wasn't excited about being the only one drinking at this party." She then looked back at me and said she had no problem with my suggestion. I don't why, exactly, but I assumed Jeremy must be her boyfriend or something. She seemed like the owner of the house and this Jeremy character (in my mind) was her alcoholic, loser of a boyfriend.

Jake asked everyone to sit in the living room so we could start doing some of the scenes out of the book. Jake and I volunteered to go first just to get the ball rolling. We both stood up in front of all of the hot girls and a couple of wienerish dudes and flipped to a random page in the middle of the book. This is how it was set up:

The Scene: A photographer is snapping pictures of a model.
Models Objective: You don't like the photographer and you refuse to smile.
Photographers Objective: Threaten to fire her if she doesn't cooperate with you.

Jake was the photographer and I was the model. It started out simple enough and we started arguing with each other. It seemed like we were being entertaining enough, but because we were the one's running the show, there wasn't anyone to tell us to stop when we accomplished our goal. So we just kept going. Jake started to escalate it by telling me, the model, that if I wanted to keep my job that I would need to take off my shirt. It was awesome. I had about 20 girls laughing at our "scene" and I was about ready to take off my shirt. I pretended to feel violated and embarrassed as I slowly started taking off my shirt. I was kind of waiting for Jake to call "scene", but he didn't. It ended up working pretty well cause I was taking off my shirt so slowly... waiting for someone to tell me to stop. Nobody did. Once I dropped my shirt on the floor, I covered my right breast with my left hand and made sure my left arm was covering my other breast... kind of like the girls do in the movies. Everyone was laughing pretty hard and Jake was pretending he had a camera and was snapping a bunch of photos. Then Jake says, "Undo your pants for me, sweetheart." The girls were going pretty crazy at this point, so I decided to just see how far I could go before someone stopped me. I turned my back to everyone and started to undo my belt. Out of nowhere, one of the hotter girls at the party ran up to the front of the room yelled at Jake, "How dare you take advantage of this sweet young woman!" She picked my shirt off the floor and draped it around my naked shoulders, put her arm around me and we walked out of the room. It was pretty awesome.

A few other people took their turns acting out scenes, but they were all pretty lame. Then Jake asked Tori and Aaron if they'd take a turn. They both seemed pretty excited about it. Jake flipped through the book and then stopped on a random page. Jake just made up the scene for them, though.

Scene: You've just finished a first date.
Man's Objective: You're not leaving until you get a goodnight kiss.
Woman's Objective: You're a lesbian and are not attracted to men.

The scene starts out pretty normal. I'm pretty sure they both knew Jake had made it up, but they were playing along anyway. After arguing about the goodnight kiss for about 60 seconds, Tori looked away from Aaron and made eye contact with me. Then she says to Aaron, "You've got me all curious." Then she wrapped her arms around his neck and started making out with him right in front of everyone. Seriously... it was disgusting. Everyone was screaming and laughing like it was the greatest thing in the world, but it was really just gross.

Something snapped in my head. As I stared at Tori making out with one of my roommates just to spite me, I decided I was going to kiss as many girls as I could that night and I wanted Tori to see. It was already about 11:50 so I started trying really hard to find the best possible place to sit or stand when midnight came. The host turned on the TV so we could watch Carmen Electra embarrass herself on live television. I wandered over to where the hot girl was sitting who helped protect me from the perverted photographer. I said, "If you hadn't rescued me, I'd probably be in the fetal position right now, sucking my thumb and soiling myself in that guy's dirt basement." She laughed and we talked for a few minutes about who we knew at the party. I thought for a split second about saying something like, "So... you wanna kiss at midnight?" but then decided against it. I figured I could just look at her at midnight and see what happened.

Everyone started counting down from 10 and people started standing up. I stood up and mentally crossed my fingers. Then, in my peripheral vision I saw an average looking girl pushing her way through the other bodies and ended up standing right next to me. I thought, "Ah ha!" The countdown hit zero and I looked at Average Girl while everyone was screaming "Happy New Year" Neither one of us were screaming it, and she was looking at me... smiling. So I grabbed her and kissed her... hard. With tongue. After about 5 or 10 seconds, I pulled away and looked in the direction of Hottie on my other side. She was just pulling out of a kissless hug with some dude who was better looking than me. I thought, "I'll settle for a hug", but when she looked my direction, she went in for a wet, wet, wet smooch. It was awesome... and my eyes were open so I could see the look on the other guy's face. After about 10 seconds or so I came out of the embrace and glanced around the room. I saw the pudgy host standing against the wall about 5 feet away from me. I walked up to her and she stared at me like she was pretty nervous. I knew she had a boyfriend, but he chose to drink and pass out so I figured, what the hell. I put my hands on her arms, got really close to her and said, "Happy New Year." She looked at my lips and I figured that was a pretty good greenlight. I kissed her and she kissed me back... pretty freakin' hard. Like, her hands were all over my arms and back for at least 15 seconds. That's a long time, too. Count it out, right now, if you don't believe me.

Then I heard Aaron say from across the room, "Are you just kissing everyone, Calvin?" I yelled back, "If they'll let me." Everyone stood around talking for a few minutes, then the front door opened and a pretty attractive girl... maybe 19 or 20 years old came in the house. The host says to her, "I thought you were at Natalie's." The girls says, "I was, but I forgot my camera." She held up her camera. The host says to her, "Who did you kiss?" The girls says, "Nobody. I know, I'm dumb." Then the host says, "Calvin is kissing everyone if you're interested." She gestures to me. She smiled and said, "Really? Ok." She grabbed my hand, dragged me out the front door to the porch and kissed me for two full minutes. I thought it was longer, but Jake said he timed it.

When we were driving home the next morning, Aaron told me that he and Tori had made out for most of the night. Awesome, Aaron. Thanks for telling me that. Then he told me that Tori was pissed at me cause I made out with Carrie. I said, "Who's Carrie?" Aaron said, "The host of the party. The owner of the house. The lady whose husband was asleep upstairs while you were kissing her."

That was the first time the thought had even entered my head. I mean, I knew she wasn't single, necessarily, but I didn't know she had exchanged wedding vows with the guy. Why did she kiss me for so long if she was married? I mean... the guy was drunk, so I assume they weren't married in the temple... but I'm pretty sure a civil wedding still counts as being married. We were all laughing nervously about it. Even Lisa thought it was pretty funny... which makes me like her more than I already did.

Honestly, though... I've been thinking about it for the last couple of days. If I could go back... would I still kiss her knowing she was married? Probably not. But ONLY because I wouldn't want to get beat up by her husband. If he was in a wheelchair, though...

-Calvin

56 comments:

Nikki said...

LMAO! LOVE IT! This is by far the best post yet. :)N

Crystal said...

I'm just impressed that you kissed a chubby girl. ;)

Sounds like you did pretty good on the kissing at midnight front. A little variety never hurt anyone.

Busy Bee Lauren said...

I don't find dimples very awesome. I have one on my right side of my cheek and it bugs.

Um. You totally kissed a married girl.

Lyss said...

Oh Calvin...

you make me laugh.

ginger said...

Calvin, I think you're kind of a man whore, but I love it.

Kait said...

Wait, you don't think that whole mess makes you look pathetic or anything? I feel like if I were Tori, watching you kiss everybody, I'd definitely have gotten the "I'm sooo jealous AHH" vibe from you. But whatever, as long as you had fun. And it sounds like you did :)

I love reading Mormon blogs. Everyone sounds like they're 15. And that's not totally a dis.

Abi said...

It's my first time commenting, but I've been reading the blog for a while now...

And can I just say that I think this was the best post ever. Not sure why, but I loved it. I can just picture this whole night scenario in my head-with my idea of what you guys look like, obviously.

Awesome, Calvin, congrats for kissing a married girl, she could have turned you down or let you know she was married, but she didn't.
Therefore I don't think you should be at fault here, not at all.

karlielsa said...

Can you say high school? I thought Jake was bad but I think you are right up there. Kissing a married women? You may not have known but saying you might do it again even if you knew. You guys really need to grow up.

Shelby Lou said...

You kissed a married chick. SERIOUSLY?! If I knew you were giving out free kisses I would have booked it to Bountiful.

Oh & P.S.- I wish this would have been MY night, instead I shot of a rifle and was a total BAD ASS.

Rissy said...

I'm thinking of three possible scenarios after reading all this...
1) I underestimated how much Mormons really like to make out and you all just take it rather lightly
OR
2) You totally underestimate how good looking you are.
OR
3) You are rather attractive and your personality makes you a 10.
Congrats on your conquests.... although Carrie may want to seek marriage counseling.

Ru said...

Hahahaha, don't worry about it, it totally doesn't count if you didn't know she was married. But you're totally going down the next time you play never-have-I-ever with anyone who knows this story. :)

Jade said...

Calvin, Calvin, Calvin... you crack me up. But I must say that I am way suprised that you kissed the chubbier girl, I didn't think you would do it. But way to be for not falling for Tori's plan, and for kissing all of those girls in front of her, that part was awesome! Great post.

Nicole said...

Sounds like a pretty crazy way to start off the New Year, kissing married women! Guess 2010 is going to be quite an interesting year :)

Kate Weber said...

Wow! What a stud! Congrats on the action you've already had in 2010! These few minutes have already put you in the lead of 'most girls kissed' this year! Way to start the decade!

Anonymous said...

You might as well get it out of your system now. Once you do get engaged and married that has to stop and you will finally have to commit to one person...well unless you are kissed under false pretenses by another woman who doesn't know you are married. Hmmmmm.

20 Something said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
20 Something said...

This post was epic. Deffinatly my favorite. Congrats on getting some for new years.

uhski said...

I've been reading your blog for a while now and I like it a lot. I may not agree with everything but it's crazy entertaining and you guys write great. I know Jake just lost his job and all and I don't know about you but you guys should seriously consider making this into a book because it would sell. Srsly. Go call an agent.

Love, Sarah.

Lauren said...

This is why you are awesome Calvin! Love it!

Lorelei said...

I think this post makes you sound extremely immature and somewhat pathetic. You just did exactly what pissed you off about her so much that you broke up with her. Come on...grow up.

xoxo Lorelei

Kristin Lee said...

Calvin, I find you more and more amusing every time I read one of your posts. Let's be best friends. I like how you shoved Tori's petty ways back into her face. If it makes you feel any better, Aaron is only getting your sloppy seconds. You know you don't want her anyway, she sounds really stupid...and gross.

Anonymous said...

I wish you weren't such a man whore. You kind of disgust me. Sadly, you're better than the rest of the guys on your blog.

Tawni said...

You make Jake sound so funny. I think you still need to try and break up his marriage, so I can marry him? You guys are probably so funny together.

Love your blog!

A♥ said...

Scandalous ;)! Don't beat yourself up. What you didn't know can't hurt you!

Julie said...

Hysterical...The whole post, honestly.

I cannot figure out why anyone is jumping your case for kissing the married gal. Are you a mind reader? Not to mention she could have stopped you and said, "I'm married and not passing out smooches to single, young, hot things this New Year's Eve." She was silent and completely engaged in that 15 second kiss. (that IS a long time to be kissing someone your not attracted to. *shudder*)

I hope the events that were journaled in this post are indicative of what is in store for you this year. It makes for good blogging.

Allison said...

This is THE funniest post ever. I was totally dying with your little striptease and I'm glad you got back at Tori. How you are so smooth (or can get around with SO many ladies) amazes me... you are hilarious.

YMA said...

"but I'm pretty sure a civil wedding still counts as being married"

hahahaha, this made me laugh for like 10 minutes. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it counts to all those millions of people who are civilly married. lol.

Kudos to you! i love it.

kel(LOVE)lie said...

I feel a bit ridiculous, but I actually counted out fifteen seconds. That IS quite a long time.
I say shame on Carrie, if anyone. She was fully aware that her husband was sprawled upstairs in a drunken stupor. She was likely just overcome by your striptease.
And, immature or not, I think your New Year's kissing spree was harmless. And hilar. So yeah, take that, Tori.

Haley said...

Ok Calvin, a lot of these comments {and Jake} have called you a man whore, and I'm not saying I disagree, but the real question is- do you think you're a man whore??
Think about your answer long and hard. Our friendship depends on it.

But I do love the fact that it was just in spite of Tori. It's prolly my favorite part.

Autumn said...

Well Calvin... Man whore of the night? Yes. Bad thing? Not necessarily. Although I think I'd be pissed if I saw you kiss someone else right after me. I'd feel violated. Still, I can't help but continue to read your blog. I just don't really know if I consider you a friend anymore. It kinda bugs me that you use all those girls. But, good job for not falling for ms. Tori's scam. And if I were you, I would have kissed ONE girl in front of her. Not everyone, and their mother. Literally. Stay away from the married woman Calvin and get one of your own :]

artsyesque said...

Calvin... :) You kissed the chubby married girl... I sooo have a crush on you!

artsyesque said...

Calvin... :) You kissed the chubby married girl... I sooo have a crush on you!

Jen said...

I'm glad you both had such an eventful New Years. After watching G-Force with the kids and getting no kisses (those come soon!), it was fun to read about your celebrations!

Lola said...

I just stumbled upon this...I am cracking up! He-larious, love it!

Rissy said...

i try to not leave hating comments but Calvin I think Lorelei did have a point in saying you did what you broke up with her for... that kind of sucks

Andee said...

hahaha! You are seriously so funny.

Amy said...

I need some more adjectives to describe your posts! I've sick of saying hilar and lol and rofl and sooooo funny. Ooh, how about hysterical?!! Yes, that is what you are. You just loved saving that lame party didn't you. ;)

On the host: There is nothing a married woman loves more than to feel desirable. She shouldn't have let it go that far though, but it sounds like you rocked her world. Happy 2010 mbp!

Alexandria said...

Dear Calvin, I almost laughed to death reading this. You my friend are a crack up! Please stop smooching randoms and married gals and go find Shelby and kiss her. That is all!

Love, Me.

KatOfDiamonds said...

Bahahha Calvin is a sober snog slut too! #proofwewouldgetalong! hahaha

JessB said...

Calvin,

Through my dedicated blog stalking, I have found a cute girl for you. Check out her blog

http://danideej.blogspot.com/

No, I don't know her (or you) but she seems cute, has dark hair, and is funny.

Just trying to help you out!

-Kyrbi Bingham said...

I'm moving to Salt Lake in February for beauty school...Lets hang out!

Whitney said...

i didn't get a new years eve kiss either, i know i'm lame, and I am quite jealous that you all got your mack on- AND Calvin kissed a chubby married chick, hilariously legit! lol
This post made my night!

Jody said...

woah...pretty epic post, cal. nice job.

bri said...

"You're not a whore" by the Format just popped into my head after reading all these comments haha. But 10 points to you for most kisses. Very impressive.

Michelle said...

just because a guy chooses to drink on new year's doesn't make him a drunk ... or a loser for that matter.

not everyone has standards that don't involve drinking.

Heather said...

Id like to see your definition of chubby. Fatties usually kiss the best anyway.

I should know. I am one.

Anonymous said...

you are the sickest pig on the planet. seriously, grow up.

artsyesque said...

This chubby married girl was in bed @ 9:30pm New Years' Eve... asleep.

M-Cat said...

Calvin the ladies man. Except dude, you really shouldn't kiss the married chick. Whether she wants you to or not.

And what the hell is SNOG?

I know, I know, I'm old....

Chelsea Michelle said...

Just have to say that it is officially 5:26 am and I am STILL reading your blog that I stumbled onto about 3 hours ago. I am super impressed with your ability to be as honest as you are...and I still can't believe I laid here reading it all night. Way to go boys...way to go.

S said...

At least you got your New Year's Eve kiss(es). I on the other hand was a complete idiot and dropped the guy I like off at his house a few minutes before midnight. Still shaking my head at my stupidity.

Katie said...

Calvin, you're hilarious. Congrats on all those kisses. You're my hero.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, your personality, for some reason, reminds me a TON of my friend Kameron Gray. Not that you would care.... but I just thought I'd say it.

not kidding said...

M-Cat - when you swear you just sound desperate to be cool or something. It's sort of like the time my Mom said, "word" it just did not work.

I can't believe you are the mother of a returned missionary, you make me sick. This is why I don't like Utah Mormons, they think swearing and dry humping is no big deal.

not kidding said...

M-cat - and one more thing. Don't even worry about what the word "snog" means, if you have to ask because you are too old, then you are too old to say it anyways.

Melissa said...

This was brilliant. So many different things were ridiculous. Happens tho.