Tuesday, January 19, 2010

My Baby Gazelle

I'm pretty sure I'm done with Marie. Surprisingly, my run-in with her dad last weekend wasn't a deal breaker. I actually found myself a little more into her after that. It was probably the whole "challenge" thing again. In the beginning of our relationship I was like a cheetah and I was chasing Marie, who is like a little baby gazelle. We ran around in circles for a while. She was pretty fast, but she was young and inexperienced in the art of evasion. I got closer and closer to going in for "the kill", but before I made my move, I swatted her butt around a few times trying to knock her off balance. Marie, the baby gazelle, knew she was caught, but didn't give up. Even though she was getting swatted around, she still tried her best to get away. But then I got bored and finally just put my left paw across her body and pinned her to the ground.

Trying to catch my breath after the long chase, I would periodically look down and admire my earned morsel, panting. While catching my breath and reveling in my sense of accomplishment, my attention was continually drawn to larger, faster, and more tasty prey. Sure, I had my meal under my paw... but I couldn't help but look at the smorgasbord of choices right in front of me.

That's where I was last weekend when I went to Marie's house to pick her up for our date. I was just about ready to be done with her. Then her dad came out and confronted me. Suddenly, the baby gazelle had wriggled free from my grasp while I was distracted and the chase was on again. That's the only way I can explain my continued interest.

Last night, though, I decided I was really, truly done. It was the light switch again. Marie dropped by for our FHE gathering and I hated it. I was having fun until she showed up, but when she walked in the door, I got this pit in my stomach. I wasn't expecting her... so before she arrived I had been flirting it up as best I could while at my Home Base. Then, in she walked, straight to me. She hugged me and tried to kiss me, but there were too many other girls around I didn't want to put off. I could tell it offended her. She gave me this look when I turned my head away from her kiss. I'm sure she saw me looking around at all the girls, checking to make sure none of them were watching.

It was like that time I turned 17 and drove straight to Blockbuster video and rented Wild Things. I sneaked it into my house and my friend and I started watching it in my basement. It was awesomer than I ever could have dreamed. Then my mom wandered downstairs to see if her quilt was on the couch. The feeling in the pit of my stomach while my mom looked around was horrible. I knew she wasn't paying too much attention to what I was watching... cause she trusted me. If I paused the movie or stopped it would seem too suspicious, so I just let it go and prayed they wouldn't say the "f" word or talk about private parts while she was in earshot. That's the same feeling I had when Marie walked in.

After FHE ended, Marie and I started making out, as usual. Her lips are too soft, I decided. I have no idea why I haven't noticed it before. Way too soft. It was like kissing a spoonful of butter, or maybe pancake batter. No... butter. Like kissing butter except without the greasiness that doesn't rinse off.

Then as I was getting ready to walk her out to her car I noticed she has peach-fuzzy sideburns and dark arm hair. There was a time in the not so distant past when I was repulsed at the thought of girls shaving their arms. But after seeing Marie's arm hair, I've decided that 'shaved girl arms' is better. When I say "better", I think that means I'm okay with it. As long as I know about it. The last thing I want is to marry an arm-hairless girl under false pretenses. Because when Armageddon happens and we delve into our year-supply, the last thing I want is to, all of a sudden, see thick, brown whiskers sprouting up all over my wife's arms. I mean, I already have to deal with grinding my wheat, boiling my water, shooting looters, and rationing my saltines and Bullseye BBQ sauce. It would be a real kick in the cluster to have an arm-hair bombshell dropped on me at that point.

Calvin

ps If I marry you without knowing you shave your arms, make sure you fill your 72-hour-kit with Gillette Venus razors, mmkay?

58 comments:

Dave said...

Go Get em Tiger. (Pun intended)

The Boob Nazi said...

This was a HUGE shocker that you'd be done with Marie. Huge! I definitely wasn't expecting this post.

ChloƩ said...

haha, this made me laugh, because i shave my arms, and have always worried what would happen it i was trapped or stranded somewhere for a very long time without a razor. my secret would come out. oh crap, i just posted it on the internet, oh well. :)

Kate Weber said...

I'm feeling extremely blessed that my arm hair is blond at the moment. I've never really though about it before. (Sad thing is, I checked my face for 'peach-fuzzy sideburns. But I'm good on that front, too.)

I totally understand about the gazelle/lion analogy, and I think you worded it beautifully. Very well written.

Seneca said...

Bah ha ha ha. I couldn't help but imagine you kissing butter. Great imagery.

Crystal said...

Silly boy.

I have hairy arms but the hair is really blond. Shaving them is just not going to happen either, I shave enough stuff. I figure if my arm hair is a deal breaker the guy wasn't that into me anyway.

I loved the gazelle analogy.

Katie said...

ew kissing butter? the thought repulses me.

I was surprised by this point, but I'm glad. I never liked Marie.

And that part about you watching Wild things and hoping your mom didn't hear anything or notice? Love it. It reminds me of when I was watching Zoolander at my house. Granted, it's not a bad movie, but my mom walked in right during the orgy scene. She stood right in front of the tv and was like "So how's the movie?!" My friend and I were dying. But miraculously, she didn't hear, or see anything.

Shaving arms = weird. I'm thankful my arm hair is blonde.

And is sneaked a word? I'm not sure.

Mary said...

i liked this post. way to be done with marie. her arm hair must have been pretty bad.

Sara said...

Calvin. May I advise you to find another gazelle before jumping ship with this one? That way you won't have a tinge of regret when you go back on the prowl and it takes more than a day to catch another one.

P.S. I love that when you reference a physical trait you like/don't like, all your girl readers feel obligated to justify their own strength/weakness in that area.

Calvin, I have a full beard and I'm pretty sure you'd love it if you gave it a shot.

M-Cat said...

You are so damn shallow. And it amuses me

Brynn said...

Yeah, I think it would be best if you put off marriage for a LONG time....
you are way too immature!

Also, the whole metaphor about Lions and Gazelle's was lame.

Busy Bee Lauren said...

Um. The fact that you spoke my exact thoughts regarding shaved arms, is reason enough why we are friends.

All of these girls I know shave their arms...maybe it's because they have dark hair? I dunno. But I always wonder what would happen if they happened to not have a razor. Ew.

karlielsa said...

You are mean, really mean. You are the typical guy that I can't stand. Poor Marie. If you can't get passed a little arm hair, I don't think anything will be good enough for you. And really, are you that "perfect"? You need to get your head out of your ass and look around to what really matters.

colleenroselle said...

you are a girl.

Samantha said...

i agree that arm hair is gross, i have hairy arms but i don't shave them because i think shaved arms are weird... one time i brushed arms with a girl who had shaved arms but hadn't shaved for awhile so it was like she had a 5:00 shadow on her arms. and it hurt when my arm brushed hers it was weird. it shouldn't hurt to brush arms with someone.

20 Something said...

HA HA, I love your post! I am lucky to not have thick black arm hair! I am glad it ended with Marie, I never liked her.

Good Post.

Jocelyn said...

Oh goodness. The gazelle analogy is priceless. It's all about the chase with you boys isn't it? Isn't soft lips a good thing..? I am glad that you ended things with Marie, but you would have something like arm hair be the thing to tip you off. haha

Vickie said...

arm hair? really?

Autumn said...

Gazelle Analogy=Amazing. You had that image in my head the whole time. Although, I can't picture you as a hot attractive Cheetah. That would just make me wanna squeeze you and take you home to keep you as a pet.

Kissing Butter=Descriptive. I pictured her spreading butter on her lips before kissing you. Ew. That would be disturbing.

Now, the fact that you noticed dark arm hair and fuzzy sideburns made me look. luckily I have really light hair on my arms, meaning no use in shaving them! And I'm clear on the sideburns as well. You're quite shallow. Which begs the question. Are you truly attractive? Or just think you are? haha. Great story Calvin!

Alexandra said...

Oh come on, Calvin! What's a little arm hair among fellow mammals? ;)
(I'm blonde, by the way. No gross arm hair here. I wouldn't shave my arms anyway, but that's another story.)

Andee said...

I don't really like you anymore...

The Lady Girl said...

You know what is more gross than a girl with dark arm hair or shaved arms? A man with hair on his armpits, his legs, his bag or his crack or pubic hair...but you know what? It is as God intended, so don't be such a prick!

Erin said...

This blog made me decide to wear long sleeves today.

Kathleen said...

Oh, I'm sure we girls can relate on some level.

Because really, are hairy backs attractive? No. And chest hair pretty much turns me off too.

So I can see where you're coming from.

Jade said...

Interesting post Calvin, I did like the cheetah/gazelle analogy though, great imagery, and the whole kissing the butter analogy, that one cracked me up, made me wonder what makes lips to soft though. But I've decided mine are just right, nice and plump and soft yet still firm at the same time.

But Calvin, girls shaving their arms really? To me that's just weird, unless they have dark hairy ape man arms, then shaving the arms is a must. If the hair is just dark but not thick they can bleach it. And all girls have peach fuzz to some extent, most girls just wax it off or bleach it, and never admit to having it. Poor Marie though, sounds like she must have taken after her dad though.

Glad she's gone though, she wasn't my favorite. Now find a girl that's actually cool. :)

Nicole said...

I decided officially that you will be the last in the MBP to get married. I have no idea why this post made me decide this, but it did. Maybe you'll beat Lance, but everyone else will beat you. Loved the post. Your the only person I've ever heard compare lips to butter and pancake batter. Hilarious.

Cajsa said...

Waxing is a good solution..... that way you never have to worry about shaving and the hair grows back thinner! I used to do that and now the hair on my arms is almost not existent! I would have never had the guts to shave! I hate the prickly feeling! Why would girls do it?? Boys want to feel soft arms not cactus arms.....

Amy said...

I am laughing so hard at this, the post AND the comments. Love it! You really are a great writer. Someday when your book is published I will recognize the writing style and know who you are. Not that I care, but I can just see it happening.
Regarding body hair: I think you could apply the same points to upper lip hair. I'm just sayin'.

Cajsa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cajsa said...

First of all, It's supposed to be non-existent.... Secondly, I never knew I would have so much of an opinion as far as arm hair goes. YIKES! Thirdly, not that it matters but I never liked Marie.... let the poor hairy gazelle girl free! Let someone else deal with her freaky, scary dad!

artsyesque said...

Whew! Thank God for blond arm hair! Whatever no-arm-hair girl you marry will someday be preggers and alas!! grow hair on her belly... and perhaps some furry sideburns... which does fall out after, but still. It even grosses me out.

Diva's Drama said...

I think shaving arms is gross.... There was this guy I thought was cute and then I relalized he shaved his arms... his arms were all bumpy... and EWWW.

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

I shave my arms up to the elbow, and have since I was a young teen. My own arm hair was not dark, but it never lay down right. A friend with dark arm hair who shaved hers convinced me to start. (PEER pressure.)

I wish I never started, but it's kind of like brushing my teeth at this point.

Gus, BYU Dude said...

I once kissed a girl and it felt like kissing a balloon.

But go break up with her. How did she know where you lived though?

meliss3092 said...

Marie's lucky to only have peach fuzz. I'd be more than happy if that was the case for me. And I can't believe how many women made sure to put down they had hairless arms and lack of sideburns. Quite funny.

bd said...

I had this roommate when I was single that would come home after a date and put pictures of the girl he'd gone out with up on the wall via our projector. He would then proceed to zoom in on all of her facial features (especially teeth) and critique her. A mole might end up being examined after being blown up to the size of a basketball. He was an ass, and so are you.

S said...

You're doing what I do: finding flaws.
As soon as a guy starts to like me I push away, find flaws, I do a lot to distance myself from him.
It's either something he says or the way he looks at me that makes my brain go Abort! Abort!
Unfortunately the light switch has gone on for me already and nothing has even happened yet.

Mariele said...

wax. anyone?
seriously, it slowly diminishes the hair in the desired area to the point where you probably won't feel the need to remove the hair completely anymore.
not quite sure why i know this.

Blazzer said...

Calvin has touched on a dating phenomenon beautifully here. He didn't notice these things that he is being attacked for being "shallow" for until AFTER he decided he didn't like Marie. Even he says he's "not sure why [he] never noticed it before."

Those are not the reasons why Calvin doesn't like Marie you silly twits. Those are things he overlooked when he was interested. I'd say thats some evidence contrary to Calvin being shallow. He didn't notice her flaws until after the "light switch" went off.

This has definately happened to me when I've falling out with someone, and I'd wager it's happened to many of us.

Great metaphor Calvin. This is your best post yet.

-Blazzer

Julie said...

I think the bigger question here is...

Why does Calvin know what it's like to kiss butter?

Karina said...

Go out and find yourself another baby gazelle to jump.

Nyssa said...

I don't think that the person you want to date should be a gizelle and you a lion. I don't want my man to eat me or be a predator (PS I"m NOT a twilight fan) I would rather it be two lions like in the romantic scene in the Lion King with Nala and Simba. Two equals.

Amy said...

There are so many things I want to say about Nyssa's comment, but, alas I will keep it 'G' rated. Just let the record show I think that alternating between being the prey, the predator, and equals can be just 'equally' exciting. ;)

Kimkidoni said...

Is anyone else curious about Calvin posting twice in a row?

K said...

I really like when Blazzer posts and sticks up for these guys. Cause I was thinking the exact same thing and then I read his post. Calvin isn't looking at hairy arms and too soft of lips and all that crap when he's interested. It's just.. now that he doesn't want her anymore, it seems just like an easy excuse..

I think I probably do the same thing and I'm a girl.. I'm sure many of us do, we just don't wanna call ourselves out on it. Great post C. I enjoyed in thoroughly.

Follower said...

The light switch happens to everyone. Things I can think of: he is just too darn short, he has kissed too many girls,or his hands are hairy or shaped weird. Those were the main deal breakers. Oh, and he has FP(even if he was way cut at the time). This list goes on. Calvin's post are always though provoking. In the best way.

I have to add/admit that, in the way of FP, you can't be too careful. Especially if fat grosses you out. So, to conclude my thought, I think it is very smart for Jake to establish his want for a "too skinny" woman.

MoreThanMyOwnLife said...

Kissing butter? Ewwww! Haha.

Tiffany said...

That was such a funny post. Thank goodness you are moving on. loved all the analogies.

Nikki said...

I have nothing to say other than...I would eat you for lunch and spit out the waste. That's all. :)N

Ariel ~ Single Mormon Girls said...

Now I'm feeling self conscious about my arms... I've never thought of them as hairy, but maybe they are? I dunno...

Anonymous said...

I think you're gross and should be ashamed of yourself. I know a lot of what you write is just to make people laugh, but it's inappropriate and its making girls self conscious and proving that some guys really are just worthless slobs pretending to be interested to get some action.

disgusting.

help said...

how come I can never see the polls or any of the results?... which means I can't vote on them either. Does anyone else have this same problem?

trust me said...

if you're married to someone I am pretty sure you will know if they shave their arms or not. I doubt you will find out when she runs out of razors.

dying said...

why is jake not posting? this is really weird. is he finished with the blog? did he have sex with sanders? did he move to costa rica? the suspense is killing me! where are you jake? don't just leave us hanging! you still have fans even though everyone is really starting to hate this blog.

Cassee said...

What the deuce... I feel more upset that you denied her in front of those girls than you talking crap about her sideburns and arm hair. I dunno, just the thought that she went out of her way to surprise you and then you act like she's a nobody. I'm sure you don't care, and that's such a Girl thing of me to say, but hot damn.

Anonymous said...

You are what I would call a douche Lord. When you finally convince some unfortunate girl to marry you, you will be find that you will have changed your bastard ways. As a girl that moved from Dublin(Clondalkin) to America I have fought the urge to unleash my Irish temper on your posts. Most of them crack me up and this one even does too, but I can't hold back replying anymore. I am not surprised that you were sent there on your mission because you totally fit in with all the low life, non motivated men that hail from the mother land. You know, the ones that hang around...talking the talk, and never walking the walk. I won't lie and tell you that I don't enjoy reading your posts, because I do. However, I will continue to believe that you are living in some sad little fantasy world. If you were the player that you claim to be...you wouldn't really have time to blog about it. As my mam always says....if someone is talking about it, then they probably aren't getting it.
-Aoife
p.s. Up the Republic :)

ABC123 said...

I'm new to this site and don't know many Mormons. So, Mormons can't have sex before marriage, correct? But when you talk about making out with "heavy petting," does this include hand jobs? Are you allowed to have oral sex? Are you allowed to take your clothes off around your partner and touch each other? And where exactly do you get the rules on hooking up- how do you know how far you're allowed to go before marriage?

I'm honestly curious and would appreciate an answer from someone who is informed about these issues and isn't guessing.

Connie said...

bahahaha! "We're through"



five minutes later



"we started making out."


not exact quotes mind you but...bahaha! Oh good ole byu fhe... still servings it's purpose since I left it I see..