Saturday, January 16, 2010

Good Example

I'm still kind of dating Marie. I wouldn't go so far as to say she's a "booty call", but it seems like most of our interactions result in horizontal-ness. We usually start our outings innocently enough. We go to dinner or to Fat Cat's or something. Sometimes we go bowling. But we both know that the last 4 to 6 hours of every date will be spent making out.

When I went to her house to pick her up last night, I pulled into her driveway and started to get out of my truck to go to the door. (I had still never met her parents or been inside her house. She'll usually choose to meet me somewhere or I'll pick her up at her rich friends house. I've thought it was odd that she appeared to be trying to keep me away from her family. I thought maybe she lived in a polygamous family or something and she didn't want me to find out. I don't know.) So as I'm getting out of my truck, I see her front door open and Marie comes outside. She appears to be walking rather swiftly. I stood near my open door half expecting her to throw her arms (and hopefully legs) around me as usual, but she didn't. She smiled sweetly and walked around to the passenger side of my truck. She climbed in quickly and then said, "Let's go" before I had time to climb back in and close my door.

As I started to pull the door of my truck closed, I heard the front door open again. I saw the look on Marie's face before I even turned around. It was a look of anger, frustration, and embarrassment. I turned around and saw an older gentleman who I could only assume was Marie's father. He approached my side of the truck and said, "Calvin?" He knew my name. "Hello, sir." I replied. (I'm not making this up or exaggerating in the least... Scout's Honor). I extended my hand and he did not hesitate to reach out and shake it. "You've been seeing my daughter quite a bit lately and I haven't had a chance to meet you." I smiled and laughed nervously. I thought briefly about trying to come up with some reason why... but then I figured that was between him and Marie. If she didn't want him to meet me, well then, I guess that's their problem, isn't it?

I looked back toward Marie. She was staring straight out the front windshield and slightly upward. It almost looked like she was trying to figure out who had mounted the basketball hoop over their garage. She was completely ignoring this awkward confrontation. I then realized that the reason she was in such a hurry to leave her house was because she knew her dad was on the warpath. Her dad continued, "What do you have planned for tonight, Calvin?"

The first thought that entered my head was, "I don't like Marie enough to participate in this hellish question and answer session with her dad." If I could have traded that awkwardness for never seeing Marie again, I'd have traded for sure. Screw Marie. Unfortunately, that wasn't an option. All of my horizontal make-outs, including but not limited to appendage caressing, spooning, collarbone tickling, heavy breathing, and lip and tongue sucking, had led me to this moment.

I started to answer with the dinner-and-movie textbook reply, but he cut me off, forcing me to draw the conclusion that he either didn't care about my answer or he didn't believe my answer. "I'd like her home by 12:30, Calvin." I was surprised I even heard what he said cause he was talking over me. "No problem, sir." In fact, how about if I have her home 45 seconds ago, HEY MARIE, GET OUT OF MY TRUCK!

He stood there as I got in my truck and started to back out of her driveway. When I got to the end of the driveway, I noticed a string of four cars coming preventing me from getting the hell out of there. As I sat there and waited for an opening, Marie started to apologize, but I wasn't listening to her because her dad was still standing in the exact same spot watching me. I was uncomfortable and anxious, but deep down I was hoping that I could be that kind of father when I have my own kids. I want to be able to make douchebags like me feel like a pile of dog doo from a very simple, two minute conversation.

Marie and I made out until about two in the morning. I dropped her off around the corner from her house, per her request.

Calvin

57 comments:

Crystal said...

CALVIN! He told you to have her home by 12:30! Shame on you.

That was pretty funny though.

I cant believe that didn't scare you enough to get her home on time. haha

Brit O'Connor said...

You make out for 4-6 hours? Oh the days of being a virgin.

:)

Ru said...

Hahahaha! OK, I was going to sympathize with Marie - I had to move back in with my parents for six months between graduation and my job starting, and I took every possible effort to keep the guy I was dating from meeting my parents. (Though my reason was simply that I think meeting people's parents puts way more pressure on a relationship, especially a casual one, than necessary.)

But how old is she that she needs a curfew? Why is she living at home if she doesn't want one? Why didn't she intervene when her dad was grilling you? Calvin, you need to be dating a girl who lives on her own (or at least one with roommates). Somebody who is your own age and doesn't want to get married ASAP. (No offense to Jake and Sanders, I like Sanders.) Don't sign up for family drama, you're too young.

Oh, you boys and your adventures. Love reading about them. It makes me feel like my own little bro actually tells me about his life, hahaha.

Lily said...

I like your posts significantly more than Jakes. Jake is way too serious.

Shelby Lou said...

oh my gosh. you cant date her anymore.

no lie.

you got her home too late.

Karina said...

Ah thats scary! :(

Sorry you didn't have fun.

Sara said...

Ummm... When you said get out of my car, all I could think of was 2:19 of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dm7jEA3frY4

Steven said...

You got her home by 2:00. I think that's great. That'll teach the old man to make you uncomfortable for no good reason. The good thing is you don't want anything serious with Marie anyway so it's like burning the bridge after you've already crossed over it. You don't need that bridge anymore so it's no big deal. I say shoot for 4:00 next time.

Laura Watkin said...

Her dad is going to kill you! I can just see it now.. wow.. Good luck Calvin. I'd say drop her.

singlemormonchick said...

could you and jake each write a post about how you manage to make out so much and manage to remain virgins? i am sure never actually having sex before plays a big part in this, but i NEED to know. cold showers? take short breaks every hour or so to think unsexy thoughts to calm yourself down, WHAT? since my divorce i have only dated one virgin and he masturbated to cope. you guys have made it clear you think that is breaking the law of chasity, sooooooo DO TELL. maybe i can pass your wisdom on to mr jack mormon.

singlemormonchick said...

oh yeah- amen to what ru said and i also wanted to mention that i read your post about "the line" you dont cross and you think its crazy how people say "it just happened"-i totally agree by the way. just thinking thats some line if you can manage to horizontally make out for 4-6 hours. HOW? i know i can make out for hours. i know my limits, but generally the guys limits are at a much lower threshold and we have to stop way before i would so that he is not tortured walking(or limping) away with blue balls. i hate that term, but i couldnt find a euphemism for it.

Jocelyn said...

Haha nice job sticking it to the man Calvin! I seriously just spent like 2 hours reading your blog. I love that only 7 people know that you guys write this blog! The weird thing to think about is if you're like in my student ward and I have no idea. Haha. Have you ever seen someone that reads your blog and recognized them? That'd be trippy. Ha snog away my friend!

Little Miss Paige said...

errrr.....
I don't like Marie because she let you let her be an hour and a half late to curfew. What a pushover. And then she got home and probably got in trouble.

Autumn said...

CALVIN! When a girls father tells you to have her home, have her home on time! What is wrong with you buddy?!? Drop her. Now.

The Lady Girl said...

I hope you never intend to see this girls father again. And hopefully not marie ever again. Obviously she has some disrespect issues with her fam...and so do you I guess. Don't be a twirp, be a gentleman.

Anonymous said...

Just break up with her. If she knew how you felt about her it would break her heart.

Srsly just let her go find someone that actually LIKES girls and doesn't treat them like crap. I like you Calvin, but you treat girls like they're pieces of meat with no feelings.

justagirl said...

i think its kind of funny that these people are telling you to "drop her". they are mostly telling you that you are stupid for messing up with her dad and youre kind of irresponsible... ive been that girl who lives with her parents. i was like marie... i dated this guy and did what you are/were doing with marie most nights and got home REALLY late... or early... and then my parents pulled out the "dissappointed" word... i was soo sad. i felt like i was disrespecting my parents expectations of me. crud... if i was my mom i would be mad that my daughter was out til all hours of the morning with some dude she didnt even know. anyway... i did what marie did and disreguarded their dissappointment and was out late again. my dad was pissed. they put a tight curfew on me for a while. at 20 years old i had to be home at midnight. lamespice. but i learned that those boys that couldnt handle a little discipline and respect for my parents wishes were not the knid of boys i was supposed to be dating. my husband is a gem. when we were dating, and even when i reallly would rather be snogging with him til 4 in the morning, he got me home at a decent hour and my parents love him. find a girl that makes you want to meet her family and makes you want to respect her parents requests. the other are just hit-it-n-quit-its. and those are not healthy relationships because they are all surface. no depth. beauty and passion matter, yes, but they should not be the basis of a relationship. justmy2cents about it. heart your blog. wish i knew your real selves. i love discussions like this.

Kristin Lee said...

If she wasn't worth a two minute conversation with her dad then why are you even dating her? Haha.

And I agree with everyone else who says that you dropped her off too late. You can't even sort of lie saying you didn't know, he said it straight up to your face. You'll never be able to look at him again without him killing you.

Julie said...

So...I take it you don't plan on asking her out again. Getting Marie home 2 hours later then her father requested is the equivalent of giving the old man the bird.

Points Calvin scored with Marie's father...negative 10.

Vickie said...

fist pump

Brooke said...

I miss my virgin days.

Katie said...

Is Marie like...16 years old or something?

I like how you say you'll get her home by 12:30 but then you don't until 2. I'm surprised the dad wasn't waiting with a shot gun. Funny stuff though. This post just kind of confused me though...Are you ending things with her?

And...the grammar/punctuation classes I'm taking are starting to take a toll on me.

Katie said...

oh and a 4-6 hour makeout session? Those are the best.

The Boob Nazi said...

How the hell do you find all these 5-year-olds to date who still live with their parents?

Tiffany said...

This blog made me not like you very much. Sad I thought you were sorta funny and cool. Weird how being disrespectful to a parent makes me mad.

The Boob Nazi said...

P.S. Please don't publish Stephanie's comment.

Punk said...

Calvin's date with Marie, in which everyone is disrespected including Calvin himself! Fun for the whole family!

Ariel ~ Single Mormon Girls said...

I just lost any bit of respect I had for you from this post.

You are scum and make me sick.

Natalee said...

douche. bag.

Natalee said...

douche. bag.

Anonymous said...

Maybe its because I'm far from being a virgin but 4-6 hours of making out just sounds boring to me. eh.
ANd I know you don't like confrontation, so by following Maries request to drop her off at the corner an hour and a half after curfew, just got you out of a break up. If she still lives with the folks and has a curfew and her dad wanted to meet you, she totally got her ass in a lot of trouble and you're off the hook, so congrats dude.
--Lily

M-Cat said...

Cut bait and run.

Anonymous said...

Classic Calvin. Just imagine, when Marie is having a fight with her parents tonight (or whatever night), you can say you had some part of it. And the next time you and her are making out, you can tell her how glad you are that she puts your sexual satisfaction above her relationship with her parents. Maybe you can throw something in about how you don't even really like her, you're just using her for her tongue.

I really wish you would spend your dating time helping girls go one step better, rather than one step worse.

Nadia said...

i have no respect for a guy that will not keep his word. even if it's for something as simple as telling her father you'd have her home by 12:30

Stephanie said...

oh lame, calvin, lame. not publishing my comment.


almost as lame as flirting with married girls.

Diva's Drama said...

4-6 hours? Ha ha.

I can't believe you are didn't get her back... you can NEVER face her father again... at least for awhile.... ha ha.

Anonymous said...

So as long as she is just there and convenient for your pleasure you'll deign to spend time making out with her (lucky girl), but as soon as you start having to answer for your actions she's not worth your time anymore? What a guy! :(:

Liz said...

One time a date brought me back after 2:00 am... MY DAD WANTED TO KILL HIM. ha ha...

My dad stayed up and waited until he dropped me off. My date dropped me off at the door and my date insisted on walking me to the door. My dad gave him the death stare... and made me go into the house. I never found out what he said... but we never went on another date.

Ryan Holdaway said...

Calvin.
Judging by the commentors on this post, it looks like I'm one of the only dudes that reads your blog. You kids crack me up. I'm thinking of doing some investigating to figure out who you are just so I can come kick it with you guys. This stuff is hilarious. Keep it coming.

Mariele said...

girls who are saying how disrespectful calvin is for not getting marie home by the curfew: have you forgotten that there were two people on this 'date'? seriously, if marie really wanted to get home by the time her father said, she would have.

Rissy said...

I don't see what's so incredible about this story. So waht her dad wanted to meet you??? At least he didn't say "you are not welcome in my home." I had a boyfriend who got that once.. talk about awkward.

Oh yea and 4-6 hrs seems like it would cause some SERIOUS chafing, (sp?)

Craig Barlow B. said...

Six hours. My goodness...wow. Six hours.

Brittnay said...

Okay, so I have kind of a sick respect for you that you would drop her off an hour and a half after curfew. Next time you see her dad, run. Fast.

CindyLou said...

lmao! I love that you got her home late. I'm guessing we won't be seeing much of marie anymore haha. I am also curious, how old is she? lol

those long make out sessions are the best...but good lord man, 6 hours!? LOL damn. :]

Alex said...

Holy crap..
Sometimes when I read your blog.. the posts are entertaining... but I mostly like reading the comments... I think there is more drama between your readers, than there is in your current relationship or lack thereof. Especially when Jake talks about Sanders.

Drama, drama.

MoreThanMyOwnLife said...

4-6 hours?! My God, I miss those days.

I'd avoid her house and her dad at all costs after bringing her home that late.

Heather Guymon said...

OMG that sounds like my dad right there. He is intimidating to say the least...just has that crazy eye that gets ya every time.

Dood. You better hope you never pick her up at her house again...he will have your nuts in a vice before you can scream like a little girl and turn around to run for it.

Jade said...

Wow and I thought 3 hours strait was a long time for makingout.

LovelyLauren said...

Can anyone else not wait until Calvin gets played by some girl? It's bound to happen eventually.

just sayin' said...

either you are gay or half girl if you can makeout for that long without doing more.

Heather said...

LAME.

Nicole said...

Sounds like you're better off steering clear of Marie's house...gotta love those protective Dad's though! haha.

Anonymous said...

Lame.
You should not be dating anyone. You disrespect yourself, Marie and her father. Marie sounds like she has her own issues as well.
You are using her...lame...and did not even have enough balls to drop her off at her house? Yikes, you need to grow up. Look inside and see if that is the type of man you want to be.

Anonymous said...

So hilarious! I love reading your blog. I also love how people get so worked up over your escapades.

20 Something said...

I am now team Calvin. Your post are hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Fail Calvin. Is 12:30 really that hard?

Kristin said...

I can't think of a better description of a pathetic skeezebag than your last two sentences.

It's like you're trying not to miss any possible douche-points you could earn before the Big Douche Tally.