Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Mormon Bachelor Pad is Not Located in Provo You Freaking Idiots

Started my new job Monday... It starts at 6 am. 6 am is the worst time for anything. I do get off at 3pm, but the Disney afternoon has been replaced by suckiness so I am at a loss for something to do when I get home.

Calvin, Aaron and I are going to try and buy this house. We were sitting around a few weeks ago realizing the amount of money that we toss away in rent every month. If we owned the house, not only could we actually build equity, but we could also rent this place and get a portion of our mortgage paid for. Luckily the guy we found to help us get a loan seems to be without scruples and claims getting us a loan will be no problem.

When I mentioned that I had been laid-off and fired since my mission (and, at the time didn't have a job) he said, "Don't even worry about it. If you can fog a mirror I can get you a mortgage." Man I love America. All those people who think I am a "no account loser" because of the whole getting kicked out of college and losing another job can stuff it! I'm gonna be a homo wner - or wait, home owner.

Our landlord is a little too excited to sell it to us. I think he is in foreclosure or something because he says he has to get approval from his mortgage company to sell it to us. Which I'm pretty sure is not how it works under ideal circumstances. We made him an offer though and he seems pretty excited to unload it on us. He even said he'd try and get the bank to go lower, which is great, but that would mean he makes less money... what do I know, I got kicked out of college.

Sanders and I haven't seen much of each other lately. She started spring semester and I got a job. Our phone calls and texts have dropped in frequency, as well. I think that I am done with her. Not quite the light switch experience like Calvin describes, but I don't think about her as often as I used to. I don't get that sorta sick feeling like I ate too many dill pickles too fast when I don't hear from her and think she might be out with someone else.

I still care about her a lot. I like talking to her. I want her to be happy... but the flame I felt before, now feels more like spilling warm ketchup on myself.

Selfishly, I think of how amazing my life would be with her. Living on a tropical beach, running a business together, raising a family, having sex... I don't care what anyone says about roles, that would be awesome. (okay, the family and sex thing aren't exclusive to her, but I really like thinking about them... a lot)

Unselfishly though, I am not in love with her. Pursuing a relationship based off of the good life we would have together isn't fair to either one of us. (Now that I think about it, both of those scenarios are selfish... just because something is selfish though doesn't necessarily mean that it is bad, or that it is wrong.)

I don't know what love is. I just know that what she and I have is not love. At least not for me.

It's a decision that I have come to after lots of prayer, fasting, and conversation with unqualified third parties. I'm not in love. I know I'll miss her though. I don't want to just cut it off. What if we hang out for a couple months more and I change my mind again. I'm obviously a fickle dude. So, I don't know... I don't know. I just know that now, it's over... and I'm not rushing off to tell her or change it or anything I'm just rolling. I guess you could say it's how I roll.

I do think that Sanders deserves some sort of explanation... however, I am going to wait on that and see how things shake out. I'm thinking that she is feeling the same way as I am. What, with her lack of contact and all. She is making less effort than me, in fact. I have been initiating what little communication we've been having over the past few days. Neither one of us are saying or acting like anything's wrong. We're both just using the whole, "I'm busy" thing.

If I can manage it, I am comfortable with both of us just mutually fading out slowly. If she doesn't push then I won't either, and I think it/us will just... go away. I've decided though, if I ever feel like she is more invested than me that I will tell her straight up. It'll be interesting to see what happens.

I'm not ruling out one or two more good make-out sessions mind you. (I know, I know, I'm such a douche nozzle or whatever incorrectly used insult you think applies to me.) Whether you believe me or not, I will not be "using" Sanders. If the opportunity arises, and I don't feel like our feelings for each other are mutual, or our feelings towards a "snoggin sesh" are mutual, then I wont make-out with her. Scouts Honor. She's one of my best friends, and I do care about how she feels.

BUT... she is an amazing kisser, perhaps the best so far, and we have had a few conversations about how much we love kissing each other and how well we kiss together. On one occasion Sanders even said that if we ever broke up we should still roll around together afterward from time to time. Pending we're both single and around each other. What a cool chick (sigh) Costa Rica, Big Boobs, great kisser... why can't I be in love with this one?

To add to my douche-ness, I bought tickets to the Slightly Stoopid concert this Friday up in Park City. I somehow failed to notice when I bought those tickets two months ago that that is Calvin's Birthday. I'm going to go to the concert anyway. He and I can celebrate his birth, together... the next day... in a more intimate setting. More intimate than the party Lance has busted butt to throw for him. So, Friday, send Calvin your love (it'd be nice if he got more love than me on this blog for a change).



Kate Weber said...

Sad to hear about you and Sanders. I'm not going to blame you though. If you aren't feeling it, then you aren't. I mean, great if things change, but if they don't, there's a girl out there you will love. Good luck!

The 'homo wner' thing made me laugh.

Anonymous said...

thanks for commenting on my blog "J" haha. i cant believe how suckered i am into reading about your life. its better than twilight. haha im jk- i am one of the only girls i know that has never read twilight, so, maybe it is? haha. good luck with your relationship or lack there of.

Anonymous said...

hmm, nothing wrong with some friends with benefits!

Shelby Lou said...

Was that last sentence dripping with sarcasm, or am I on glue? Sorry to hear about Sanders. I'm the same way, if you have the chance, or it comes up totes snog with her. I mean... why not?? Especially if it is mutual. I wouldn't call you a douche "nozzle" as much as I would call you a douche "bag" because well, it's better to just use the most common phrase. You aren't really a douche bag though, you are just a guy, an indecisive guy. Not knowing what love is isn't a crime. Admitting it is the first step to recovery.

Welcome to the group.

Busy Bee Lauren said...

I think you need to do what you feel is right. If moving on feels right, then do it.

Truth, I was never really a fan of Sanders.

Kristin Lee said...

Force yourself to love her.

No, I'm totally kidding.

Sort of.

Rissy said...

I feel bad for Sanders even though I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I'm just a girl and that's how I do.
Be careful at that Slightly Stoopid concert. I went to one at the 930 club in DC last year, and a mosh pit broke out. I was on the ground along with my drink and all my personal belongings. I had no idea they recently decided they're hardcore.

The Boob Nazi said...

I fall more and more in love with you every day. Sigh.

Heather Lee said...

Kind of sad to hear about Sanders. But I guess it's better than leading her on for the rest of her life. Good luck!

Katie said...

That's too bad about you and Saunders, but I'm glad you aren't going to keep going in a relationship where you aren't "in love" with the girl. Sometimes it's just best for relationships to fade out, no matter how good of a kisser the other person was. I'm sure you'll find someone else soon enough, and then you'll understand what love really is. Like Calvin's brother said, you'll just know.

And you guys are seriously buying a house? I don't know that much about buying houses and mortgages and stuff...but is that a good idea? I mean, what happens when you all move out and get married, do you really want a mortgage with two other guys on your back? I honestly don't know, I'm a journalism major for a reason. Hope that works out for you; owning a house in your early 20's is something to be admired.

Lachele said...

Calvin and I have the SAME birthday! I'm definately older and much more mature. Haha jks!

That is a pretty cool chick- to say she'll roll around with you. Not many girls would do that, actually none that respect themselves.

Nice work on the job Jake, I'm proud of you.

Only in America can you get a loan for a house without a job. Thank goodness I live in Canada. <3

Alexandra said...

You guys live in SLC or the SLC area, yeah?

You're still writing because you feel obligated, don't you? Not because you want to write.

Ru said...

Jakey pants (wow, that's no demeaning, is it? Nah), I respect your decision to fade out with Sanders. But I think you and Calvin rush things too much. You haven't even dated Sanders that long, and then you let her rush you into the marriage convo, and now you feel like you have to be in love with her already or break up. TAKE EVERYTHING SLOWER. Then you won't feel like you need to be in love with great girls like Andrea and Sanders after six seconds. ;) There's nothing wrong with just dating, promise. I think the reason you claim you don't know what love feels like is just that you've never dated a girl long enough to legitimately get to that "I think I might be in love" stage. Yes, some people find out super fast, but other people take months (like six or seven, not two or three) of getting to know someone. I think you're probably just in the second group.

Jessica said...

Calvin doesn't deserve more love than you. He doesn't know how to respect woman.

I love reading his posts and all...but you're all around just a better guy.

Happy Birthday anyway Calvin.

and props to you Jake for respecting Sanders. any chance you could teach Calvin these things?

Megan said...

Sounds like you're starting to figure things out, Jake. Good! Sorry about Sanders though.

The Lady Girl said...

You're having a love hate relationship with your readers just as we have one with you, calling us idiots and all....Duh we all know you really live in Kanosh :( and you may, perhaps be in-bred.

Anonymous said...

I won't argue that you should end things with Sanders, but I do think you could have married her and been happy. Love isn't a place you suddenly arrive at. Love grows what do you think, I like being with her and I love the life I imagine with her is the start of? You guys jumped in to fast, but slowed down and with a normal frame you probably would have realized she was your best friend, you were attracted, you communicated well, you shared common ideas, and she made you happy. Honestly what more is there to love? I know I know some people with argue and say that you know when your in love well guess what some people don't KNOW. Sometimes it sneaks up and you realize oh I do love this person because they make me happy and I care about them.

Crystal said...

I'm glad that you seem to be enjoying your new job. And by enjoying I mean going...because most people don't actually enjoy their job. Even though you didn't really say much about it besides the hours aren't your favorite thing. I would kill to work 6-3 working 7-5:30 blows. Massively.

Anyway, I hate that you and Sanders are drifting apart but at least it's mutual. It would be so sad if she was still all over you and you were over it. I would cry.

Good luck with the house!
Nobody thinks you are a douche. Well...maybe not "nobody" but most of us like you..most of the time. :)

Alyssa said...

The title of this entry made me laugh. If you guys were from Provo, I probably wouldn't read it. Just saying.

Good luck with everything! I'm sure you'll figure it all out.

Jocelyn said...

I'm a psychology of love class at the U. I'll let you know what the conclusion is. Something tells me that love is going to end up being legit.

Montierth Madness said...

Dude, DO NOT buy a house with your roommates!!! You don't even have a financially stable track record. If you keep losing jobs like you have been then you won't be able to pay your share. Buing the house will cause you and your roommates al inds of problems.

Anonymous said...

"I don't know what love is. I just know that what she and I have is not love."

I love that line, love it!

I love You Jake... almost as much as I love Calvin... almost as much as I love this blog!

(sigh) Why can't you love me?


Blazzer said...

I agree with Alexandra, this post felt a bit forced. However I'm still glad you posted. Yes, Jake Calvin is more loved (I'm interpreting your last sentence sarcastically) than you are. My wife loves Calvin and has added him to her "celebrity list". You my friends are the one that I read for, Calvin is girly, and the birds love him. I'll bet 90% of your male readers like your posts better, so don't get discouraged. You are a man among men, keep writing.

Hmmm, I think I'll tell the misses that I'm adding you to my "celebrity list".


Anonymous said...

I've been reading the blog from the very beginning back in June. This is my first comment **scary** From the comments I have read, the only people who think you are from Provo are the people who hate you and make stupid comments that make it obvious they don't really read your blog. Now that I've written that I'm guessing that was the point. Durrr

Failed first comment :(

Funny. <3 <3 <3 I love you two guys the same. Do Mormons believe in threesomes?

Anonymous said...

My friends all bought a house together. They tried to talk me into buying it, but I didn't.

Problems to think about:
1- What happens when one of the "owners" gets married? Do they move out or do they get to live in the house and others move out?
2- You're going to have to get approved and despite what that queen told you that won't happen unless you can supply verification of your income.
3- Are you ready to PAY for everything that needs fixing. A roof, water heater, taxes? All can cost thousands of dollars.

I suppose you've discussed these things. I tell you because my friends bought a house together without thinking. They ended up moving out. The house was rented to other people and distroyed. They blamed each other and it caused big issues within their friendship. There can be major problems buying a house with a lot of different people.

Denouncing Corianton said...

You're right. Douche is the wrong word for you. You sir are and ass.

ass ass ass.

Selfishness is abundant in everything you write and do.

You are a horrible example of a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I think this blog should be reported to the church. I think that when you are found out they will excommunicate you.

Take "Mormon" out of your title. Take "Mormon" out of your title. Please take "Mormon" out of your title. I don't ever want to have to explain this drivel to one of my non-member friends.

Respect women. They are children of God. Not to be used for your pleasure.

You make me sick. Your morality and character is disgusting. I will pray for you.

Marci Darling said...

Jake, you actually impressed me with this post. I'm not a Mormon, and I have no problem with anything I read in this blog. It's all brilliant. Ignore person above.

Kellie said...

Some people are ridiculous. And judgmental, which I'm pretty sure is wrong. You know, "Only God can judge us" or whatevs.
You're doing what's right when it comes to Sanders.. and I'll be honest and say I haven't liked her too much really. Because my opinion matters to you, right? Ha.

Rissy said...

wow some people coughdenouncingcough have some really strong feelings.

Erin said...

I can't decide if "Denouncing Coarianton"s comment is infuriating or hilarious.

A little of both, I believe.

Anyways, whoever said you rush into things is right. Chillax. Take your time with smoeone. S'all good.

Anonymous said...

If I could title this comment, I would call it "Give me a fecking break!!!" If I had a dollar for every girl that you supposedly make out with and then get bored and kick to the curb, then I would be a rich girl. Do you ever think that maybe this so called "Sanders" is sick of you herself and this is why she is out getting horizontal with some other guy in Cedar instead of texting and calling you? It's so hilarious how you're planning on giving her an explanation and letting her down easy, when really the girl is probably getting more action down in Southern UT than you'll ever have. But hey, that's awesome that you and your roomies are going in on the house together. I mean, this totally means that you guys aren't going to be eternally single...OR...maybe you guys can convince 3 smokin hot 18 yr old virtuous girls to marry each of you and all room together in your house. Great Plan!

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Anon 3:02... that's genius.


Megan said...

Hahahahahaha. I love love love love love that you guys allow anonymous comments.

Denouncing Corianton - Who died and made you Alma?

Anon 3:02 - If you had a dollar for every girl Jake made out with you couldn't even buy a Cafe Rio Salad... I guess rich means different things to different people.

Jake - Sanders rocked.

Calvin - I love when you egg people on (above) happy birthday. If you reveal yourself I'll give you a present Marilyn Monroe style.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Calvin! And Congrats on the house, Jake. I'm married and about to have a third kid and I live in the smallest trailer ever made. Between my husband and I we have 3 part time jobs. But I love my life. So... I'm excited for you guys.

Anonymous said...

I love how people like Megan come on here and try to act buddy buddy with Cal & Jake by slamming other peoples comments, yet the girl has some other girls picture as her profile. hahahaha. So basically you're either anonymous yourself or your waaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy insecure with your looks. It's ok girl, I bet C & J would give ya a 5...for your awesome personality. The saddest part is it looks like you only made a blog profile in order to follow this and seriously so blessed. SO SAD! Also, I would lay off on the Cafe Rio because Jake and Calvin don't like their women beefy!!! Oh look Megan, I'm posting anonymously just like Anon 3:02..what you gonna say now little girl?

Anonymous said...

I love how people like Megan come on here and try to act buddy buddy with Cal & Jake by slamming other peoples comments, yet the girl has some other girls picture as her profile. hahahaha. So basically you're either anonymous yourself or your waaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy insecure with your looks. It's ok girl, I bet C & J would give ya a 5...for your awesome personality. The saddest part is it looks like you only made a blog profile in order to follow this and seriously so blessed. SO SAD! Also, I would lay off on the Cafe Rio because Jake and Calvin don't like their women beefy!!! Oh look Megan, I'm posting anonymously just like Anon 3:02..what you gonna say now little girl?

Liz said...

Dill pickles! :P

Megan said...

anon 3:43 - Clean off your keyboard. Your "a" and "y" buttons are sticky.

I could say many other things, but I don't think I can explain myself monosyllabically so that you'll be able to understand.

Crystal said...

Wow. Harsh Anon 3:43.

You guys have some mean commenters. lol

Anonymous said...


This is the last time I'll say it: get back into school and quit wasting your life. I know it seems funny now that you got kicked out of college, but you will regret it later, I promise. A little goofing around is alright, but you are heading way off course and don't seem to realize how much you're going to regret it later. Beg to get back into UofU, major in Biology, and go to medical school.

Also, do not buy a house with roommates. You'll end up having to go to court to settle the situation and it will cost a lot more in the long run than it's worth.

Get back into school. Quit disrespecting women by treating them like objects. Don't get fired from your job. And get married.

Wake up!

Anonymous said...

To the other anonymous commenters up there who are going all judgmental on people expressing their own opinions in response to what you said:

1. Get off your moral high horse. Don't quote scripture and make us all look bad by being all self-righteous. "Judge not that ye be not judged", genius.
3. Who died and made YOU the judge of Israel?
4. If you're such a good Mormon, why are you insulting Megan? Is it really any of your business what she uses as her profile picture or whether she's a new blogger? Huh? Huh? Huh?
5. If you don't like this blog, why do you even follow it? And don't give me any of that 'I just came on to let you know how WRONG I think this blog is' drivel, because only people with no lives and several oases of pride do that.

If you come here just to insult people for their opinions and views that they are entitled to, then go away. Kick some puppies. Buy stock in the 'I Am Going To Heaven Exclusively Because I Am So Righteous' market. Stop flaming what people post. You can disagree, but disagree politely. Which, F Y I you're not doing. Don't be a jerk about it. If you honestly want to advise people, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Grow up.

Haley said...

Hahaha like mid-way through this post all I could think of was that 80s song "I Wanna Know What Love Is" by Foreigner....
And I think it's pretty much inevitable. We always fall in love with the wrong people/don't fall in love with the right people.

Kyle Pederson said...

Gee, I wonder how America got mixed up in this whole "sub-prime mortgage" thing...

That scheister that is trying to sell you a mortgage knows that it's not him that's going to get crushed when interest rates go up.

Nikki said...

I didn't even finish the post and I have to say this...Mormon guys are retards. They fall out of love with a girl who touches their penis and yet when they get married they want their pure as the driven snow virgin wifey to go to her raunchy place and grab mr.happy...go figure. Seems a bit hypocritical.

Nikki said...

Oh yea and...don't buy the house. Don't be stupid. You should never buy an investment property with a friend. EVER.

Brad: Mormon SL,UT said...

hey maybe i'll see you guys at slightly stoopid tomorrow! btw, i have a crazy feeling you guys are not going to qualify for a home loan. maybe 4 years ago when banks were lending to anything that had a pulse.

Anonymous said...

I don't think anonymous said they didn't like the blog. This blog is all about people getting riled up and acting ridiculous. I don't believe Anon 3:43 was acting self righteous at all. If you look back on every post, you will see comments like this everywhere. It's sad, but true. I think Jake and Calvin are hilarious, but if people can't take the heat then get out of the kitchen.

Anonymous said...

Genial brief and this enter helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you seeking your information.

Anonymous said...

No, your landlord would not make more money if you pay more. In this market, most homeowners are completely upside down on their mortgage which means they not only have no equity, they have negative equity. He's most likely not gonna make a dime on the house, so he doesn't care if you pay less. The bank is the one that will get screwed. That said, do NOT buy the house with your roomates! That is a bad, bad idea! One of you should just try to buy it alone (I am thinking Calvin since he seems to be a little more responsible than you).

Maybe you can work out a deal where he will give you a discount on rent if you help fix up the place or something.

I can't believe that you and Sanders are not gonna work out. I really liked her. I think you probably love her more than you realize, but you most likely won't know that until it is too late and she is married or something.

Anonymous said...

Coming Soon:

Confessions from a Mormon Bachelor Foreclosure