The Mormon Bachelor Pad is Not Located in Provo You Freaking Idiots

Started my new job Monday... It starts at 6 am. 6 am is the worst time for anything. I do get off at 3pm, but the Disney afternoon has been replaced by suckiness so I am at a loss for something to do when I get home.

Calvin, Aaron and I are going to try and buy this house. We were sitting around a few weeks ago realizing the amount of money that we toss away in rent every month. If we owned the house, not only could we actually build equity, but we could also rent this place and get a portion of our mortgage paid for. Luckily the guy we found to help us get a loan seems to be without scruples and claims getting us a loan will be no problem.

When I mentioned that I had been laid-off and fired since my mission (and, at the time didn't have a job) he said, "Don't even worry about it. If you can fog a mirror I can get you a mortgage." Man I love America. All those people who think I am a "no account loser" because of the whole getting kicked out of college and losing another job can stuff it! I'm gonna be a homo wner - or wait, home owner.

Our landlord is a little too excited to sell it to us. I think he is in foreclosure or something because he says he has to get approval from his mortgage company to sell it to us. Which I'm pretty sure is not how it works under ideal circumstances. We made him an offer though and he seems pretty excited to unload it on us. He even said he'd try and get the bank to go lower, which is great, but that would mean he makes less money... what do I know, I got kicked out of college.

Sanders and I haven't seen much of each other lately. She started spring semester and I got a job. Our phone calls and texts have dropped in frequency, as well. I think that I am done with her. Not quite the light switch experience like Calvin describes, but I don't think about her as often as I used to. I don't get that sorta sick feeling like I ate too many dill pickles too fast when I don't hear from her and think she might be out with someone else.

I still care about her a lot. I like talking to her. I want her to be happy... but the flame I felt before, now feels more like spilling warm ketchup on myself.

Selfishly, I think of how amazing my life would be with her. Living on a tropical beach, running a business together, raising a family, having sex... I don't care what anyone says about roles, that would be awesome. (okay, the family and sex thing aren't exclusive to her, but I really like thinking about them... a lot)

Unselfishly though, I am not in love with her. Pursuing a relationship based off of the good life we would have together isn't fair to either one of us. (Now that I think about it, both of those scenarios are selfish... just because something is selfish though doesn't necessarily mean that it is bad, or that it is wrong.)

I don't know what love is. I just know that what she and I have is not love. At least not for me.

It's a decision that I have come to after lots of prayer, fasting, and conversation with unqualified third parties. I'm not in love. I know I'll miss her though. I don't want to just cut it off. What if we hang out for a couple months more and I change my mind again. I'm obviously a fickle dude. So, I don't know... I don't know. I just know that now, it's over... and I'm not rushing off to tell her or change it or anything I'm just rolling. I guess you could say it's how I roll.

I do think that Sanders deserves some sort of explanation... however, I am going to wait on that and see how things shake out. I'm thinking that she is feeling the same way as I am. What, with her lack of contact and all. She is making less effort than me, in fact. I have been initiating what little communication we've been having over the past few days. Neither one of us are saying or acting like anything's wrong. We're both just using the whole, "I'm busy" thing.

If I can manage it, I am comfortable with both of us just mutually fading out slowly. If she doesn't push then I won't either, and I think it/us will just... go away. I've decided though, if I ever feel like she is more invested than me that I will tell her straight up. It'll be interesting to see what happens.

I'm not ruling out one or two more good make-out sessions mind you. (I know, I know, I'm such a douche nozzle or whatever incorrectly used insult you think applies to me.) Whether you believe me or not, I will not be "using" Sanders. If the opportunity arises, and I don't feel like our feelings for each other are mutual, or our feelings towards a "snoggin sesh" are mutual, then I wont make-out with her. Scouts Honor. She's one of my best friends, and I do care about how she feels.

BUT... she is an amazing kisser, perhaps the best so far, and we have had a few conversations about how much we love kissing each other and how well we kiss together. On one occasion Sanders even said that if we ever broke up we should still roll around together afterward from time to time. Pending we're both single and around each other. What a cool chick (sigh) Costa Rica, Big Boobs, great kisser... why can't I be in love with this one?

To add to my douche-ness, I bought tickets to the Slightly Stoopid concert this Friday up in Park City. I somehow failed to notice when I bought those tickets two months ago that that is Calvin's Birthday. I'm going to go to the concert anyway. He and I can celebrate his birth, together... the next day... in a more intimate setting. More intimate than the party Lance has busted butt to throw for him. So, Friday, send Calvin your love (it'd be nice if he got more love than me on this blog for a change).

Jake