Thursday, January 7, 2010

Sloppy Seconds

I haven't seen much of Aaron the last few days and I recently discovered why. Last night, pretty late, we were all hanging out in our basement. Aaron came walking in and Lance started making fun of his black leather coat... since it is kinda gay. We were all laughing and joking with Aaron, like we usually do. Then I said, "So how was your make-out with Tori?" I said it jokingly, but you know that saying about things said in jest... and underlying truth... or something? I have been kind of curious what his train of thought was before, during and after his New Year's snog with the girl I had been dating. Then Aaron says, "Which time?" Everyone started laughing like they understood a joke that I was missing. I was, like, "Which time? You mean the snog at midnight or for the few hours following?" Then Aaron smiled and said, "No. I mean 'which time'... like New Years or Saturday or Sunday or Monday afternoon?" Apparently Aaron had been so scarce because he'd been rolling around with Tori for a few days.

I said, "Monday afternoon? Didn't she fly out on Monday night?" He was still smiling. I said, "Dude. You made out with her all weekend?" He nodded his head and we all were laughing together about what a slut she is. I was a little offended, though. Just a bit. I think I expected her to mourn my loss for a little longer than she did.

We all start talking about different things for a while, and then Aaron says, out of nowhere, "Tori said I was a better kisser than you." We all looked at him. I said, "Oh really? She just volunteered that nugget or did you ask her?" He smiled, "I asked her."

Ok. Now... I know we're guys and we don't normally get involved in this sort of chick drama (and I already have a reputation for being a little more "girly" and man-sitive), but it wasn't just me who had a problem with this. First of all, we have a Mantra and this was clearly a violation on several levels. First, you don't ask a girl if you're a better kisser than your roommate. Second, if you DO ask her... you don't ever tell anyone you asked. Ever. Third, Aaron is gay and stupid. Fourth, Aaron got my sloppy seconds. Fifth and lastly, no girl is going to say in the middle of a horizontal make out session, "Actually, your roommate is a little better." Of course she's going to tell you that you're better. It's the polite thing to do.

But wait. It gets better. Jake asks, "So what did you ask exactly and what did she answer... exactly?" Aaron had this huge feces-eatin'-grin on his face. "I said, 'So who's a better kisser... me or Calvin?' and she said, 'Well, Calvin's technique is better, but you're definitely more passionate.'"

We all exchanged glances... kinda like we were stalling a little to see if Aaron had anything else to add. (The following statements took place almost simultaneously)

Nick: "That's it? That's all she said?"
Jake: "What makes you think that means you're the better kisser?"
Lance: "Um, she only used the word 'better' once and it was about Calvin."

I tried to keep my mouth shut... even though I was thinking the same thing as my roomies. Aaron started getting defensive and said, "Well, it was more the way she said it. It was obvious she was more excited about the way I was kissing her." I chimed in. "Excited? You mean you asked her who was the better kisser while you were in the middle of your make out session? Like, you pulled your tongue out of her mouth and asked, 'Who's better?' Geez, Aaron."

Lance summed it up pretty well, though, in between the fits of mocking laughter. He said, "It sounds to me like Tori was saying, 'Calvin knows what he's doing, but you're just a desperate, virginous, horn-dog who likes to slobber all over my face.'" Aaron got off the couch and went upstairs. It was pretty awesome. Ironically, I think I fit all of those derogatory descriptions that Lance spouted. I'm a little bit desperate. I'm a virgin. I'm definitely a horn-dog. And I enjoy a moderate amount of make-out slobber. I think the around-the-mouth moisture helps to cool me off when things get a little heated. It's kinda like facial sweat... for the vigorously horizontal.

Calvin

53 comments:

Allison said...

Very nice, Calvin. Very nice. :D I seriously can't believe Aaron, though. I mean, I thought we all agreed that Tori was stupid, but Aaron too? Seriously. If this were a bachelorette pad, there would be a HUUGGEE cat fight right now. I'm pretty sure. :D

Sara said...

Poor Aaron. :( He needs a little practice. But I guess he was douche for trying to lie to you and say he's a better kisser, so I guess he gets what he deserves.

Better technique? Translation = better kisser. Enough said.

colleenroselle said...

hahahaha

Shelby Lou said...

Jeez.

I was just going to say...

You're a playa playa... and I laugh.
hahaha

Erin said...

facial sweat for the vigorously hormonal?
I think i just threw up a little.

That Chick said...

i may have perhaps just officially laughed my ass off.

playing sloppy seconds, eh? so much man-drama. i love it.

Karina said...

Ouch. Too much drama. Haha but thank you Lance for taking care of it. :)

Sorry about that, that kind of stinks. Nice, Aaron.

Glad your friends stood up for you against Aaron and his gay leather jacket.

Kellie said...

Facial sweat for the vigorously horizontal...

I wish I didn't know what you were talking about. You like that? It kinda grosses me out.. but I only notice after it's all done. TMI.

Aaron seems lame! So I guess he and Tori are good for each other.

Crystal said...

Shame on Aaron. And yes, she totally said you are a better kisser.

What a douche. Sorry, that whole bro's before hoe's mantra is a staple in my thought process.

KatOfDiamonds said...

O Calvin... I am sorry that Tori is truly not a catch.

And as far as Aaron goes... Maybe if I end up bored and in SLC one day, I'll give him private lessons...

Shelby Lou said...

I agree with Kellie, Aaron and Tori are good for each other.

Aaron is dumb.

"Like you pulled your tongue out of her mouth.."

sick to the nast.

Alexandra said...

"Facial sweat...for the vigorously horizontal."

I can't say I've ever heard make-out slobber put that way.

Lauren said...

Aaron is lame. I can't believe he asked who the better kisser was mid smooch. Who does that?

Lyss said...

bahaha. aaron is a retard.

Rissy said...

I saw this was only posted an hour ago and I was psyched because I thought I might be one of the first comments. Nope! There's already 13. Oh and I havent even read the post yet

Molly said...

Definitely mean you're a better kisser. Just means he smashes her face. But is doesn't mean she's not trying to "teach" him how to kiss better.

Amy said...

"Geez, Aaron."
Bwahahaha!!!

Love the drama and it just proves that you men have feelings even though you like to pretend on New Year's Eve when you are making out with all the other girls that you don't. HaHa! Love ya!

Marci Darling said...

Team Calvin.

B R I T N E Y said...

First of all, you are completely right in that no girl will EVER say someone else is a better kisser if she intends on making out any longer, so whatever answer she gave was completely bias to her plans of the night. It's not the polite thing to do, it's the safe thing to do if she wanted more.

Secondly, just because she's not crying and locking herself in her room doesn't mean she's not mourning. Rebounds are awesome alternatives to turning anti-social.

Third, be careful how much "around-the-mouth moisture" you are applying there... too much and you won't get a second run with the girl...

Kande said...

Dude Aaron was just feeling left out that he was not making out with anyone at the moment and he thought,"hey Tori is willing/easy so i am going to take what i can get." So basically he is just a desperate man that cannot find his own desperate girl to have "facial sweat." ha ha

Jade said...

Calvin, you crack me up. Nice post,

Annie said...

It sounds like it's what we already knew: Calvin wasn't that into Tori. So of course he wasn't really passionate.

Aaron sounds like he was just excited to be getting some action. Good for you, man. Good for you. {lame}

Megan said...

I'm pretty sure Jake was the one who made up an improve thingy to get them to kiss. You went right along with it Calvin. Is Aaron so bad for capitalizing? You got what you deserved putting them up to that.

I know exactly what she's talking about with guys who are all about technique. You think too much, you're too detached, from the kiss and focusing on what you're doing. I wouldn't be so sure you're any better.

It was lame for him to ask and then tell though.

The Boob Nazi said...

How about Aaron and Calvin kiss each other and see how each other's technique is? Since they think Aaron's coat is so "gay" and all.

Kate Weber said...

Oh dear! I laughed way too hard at this! I'm still laughing. I just can't seem to stop. *deep breath*

Okay. That was awesome. Great post, as always! I'm officially in love with the word 'man-sitive' now!

Bitten Usagi said...

Aaron's a tool and if those were her exact words then in my opinion Lance's interpretation is spot on. "Passionate" was definitely her way of trying to nicely say "you're slobbering but I'm desperate for something so I'll make it sound like it's a good thing so we can keep going".

michelleFFTL said...

aaron sounds like the biggest douche, ever!

Kristin Lee said...

Really? I bet that was awkward...I think if a guy asked me who was a better kisser I'd stare at him for a moment and then laugh. Who does that?!

I find it funny that she still complimented you even if the question was asked mid-makeout. You must be an excellent kisser. Aaron sounds like someone I would want to punch in the face.

Autumn said...

Tori's a whore.
You're a player.
Your roommates are douche bags.
What more can I say?
Stop getting so defensive. She clearly said you were a better kisser, just in a "not so obvious or he'll stop making out with me and I'm horny so I don't want to stop" kind of way. REALLY CALVIN! Get over it. She's not a catch anyways. Stop worrying about this petty crap and go find someone you respect.

Abi said...

Sloppy Seconds for sure.
Sounds to me like Tori is trying to make you jealous...because she probably figures all of you talk about it all the time anyways (it being: girls in general-but her in this case...)
And poor Aaron is being tagged along, hopelessly, unconciously, etc...

Julie said...

she said, 'Well, Calvin's technique is better, but you're definitely more passionate.'" ROFL!!!

Here is what she was really saying: "Calvin is a better kisser but you sure are enthusiastic." Tori was NOT complimenting Aaron.

Jody said...

oh my, so much man drama. ha ha.

Heather Guymon said...

Oh yeah. That's girl code for "I really want to keep making out with you, because I am a whore bag and that's what I do, but your friend is much better..."

That's exactly what she was thinking. I know because I'm smart.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Calvin is definitely a better kisser then Aaron.

I just know.

-j

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

"than"

-j

Crystal said...

I bet you do Jake, I bet you do. :)

A♥ said...

Serves Aaron right for trying to brag. SUCKA!

Brynn said...

It's funny to me how guys like to play off like they are 'drama free' and then I read this post.... it has drama written all over it.

It's just different for guys. But the undertones are the same: COMPETITION.

Also, we need to give Tori a little credit for answering that question so diplomatically.

Kilie said...

Ummm... everyone may not like Tori but just because she madeout with Aaron over a weekend doesn't make her a slut... Calvin get over yourself!

Declarations of a Drama Diva said...

HA HA... I she told him that.... Oh man....

Brynn said...

P.S.

You all are calling Tori a slut? Did we all forget that Calvin made out with 4 girls in one night?!!!

Stephanie said...

boob nazi and i are in a competition to get our comments on your sidebar. i thought i might have made it by calling jake a prick in the last post.

but clearly, boob nazi owns me.

THE Stephanie said...

Totally almost spit my water out of my mouth when I read "Aaron is gay and stupid".

Thanks for that. LOL

Steven said...

I like to actually drool in a girls mouth when I'm making out on top! That's the only way to go.

Anonymous said...

I told you she was a slut. Not only for wearing tank tops but for making out with Aaron.

Grand Pooba said...

I was going to leave some really clever or really insulting comment in hopes that it would show up on your side bar but I just don't have the energy.

Love ya!

20 Something said...

Steven just made me puke. . .

Awesome post Calvin, its great to hear you put him in his place.

Autumn said...

Steven, Ew. That is REVOLTING and seriously? GROSS. I hope you never get a make out session again.

Brynn, Tori IS a slut trying to get Calvin jealous, but no one said that Calvin wasn't a whore. In fact, I believe I called him that in his last post :]

M-Cat said...

Lose the facial sweat for the vigorous horzintal make out's. Its gross and I don't know of any girl who likes it.

Tori...... interesting chick. Sounds desperate to me.

artsyesque said...

"Man-sitive" Bahahahahah!

...and definitely 'moderate' when it comes to the facial sweat.

I never figured out how to teach a guy how to kiss right, tho...

Anonymous said...

i definately do not agree with the fact that tori is a whore. if anything i think she's rebounding off of you calvin. just because a girl makes out with 2 rommies it doesn't mean she's a whore. and let's face it you'd do the same if she had a hottie roomie. now, as far as the better kisser goes i think she like you the best. technique overpower passion for sure. passion is also someitmes "horny". also, it was douchey of aaron to bring it up in front of everyone. but, don't get so butt-hurt.

c a n d a c e said...

Love this post, and love the comments even more. So glad to see that girl's comments can be dissected correctly. I would say Calvin's translation (as well as Lance's) is 100% correct.

Aaron is clueless and lame.

Melissa said...

Bahahahha... Aaron is a douche bag. And a dumb one too.