Sloppy Seconds

I haven't seen much of Aaron the last few days and I recently discovered why. Last night, pretty late, we were all hanging out in our basement. Aaron came walking in and Lance started making fun of his black leather coat... since it is kinda gay. We were all laughing and joking with Aaron, like we usually do. Then I said, "So how was your make-out with Tori?" I said it jokingly, but you know that saying about things said in jest... and underlying truth... or something? I have been kind of curious what his train of thought was before, during and after his New Year's snog with the girl I had been dating. Then Aaron says, "Which time?" Everyone started laughing like they understood a joke that I was missing. I was, like, "Which time? You mean the snog at midnight or for the few hours following?" Then Aaron smiled and said, "No. I mean 'which time'... like New Years or Saturday or Sunday or Monday afternoon?" Apparently Aaron had been so scarce because he'd been rolling around with Tori for a few days.

I said, "Monday afternoon? Didn't she fly out on Monday night?" He was still smiling. I said, "Dude. You made out with her all weekend?" He nodded his head and we all were laughing together about what a slut she is. I was a little offended, though. Just a bit. I think I expected her to mourn my loss for a little longer than she did.

We all start talking about different things for a while, and then Aaron says, out of nowhere, "Tori said I was a better kisser than you." We all looked at him. I said, "Oh really? She just volunteered that nugget or did you ask her?" He smiled, "I asked her."

Ok. Now... I know we're guys and we don't normally get involved in this sort of chick drama (and I already have a reputation for being a little more "girly" and man-sitive), but it wasn't just me who had a problem with this. First of all, we have a Mantra and this was clearly a violation on several levels. First, you don't ask a girl if you're a better kisser than your roommate. Second, if you DO ask her... you don't ever tell anyone you asked. Ever. Third, Aaron is gay and stupid. Fourth, Aaron got my sloppy seconds. Fifth and lastly, no girl is going to say in the middle of a horizontal make out session, "Actually, your roommate is a little better." Of course she's going to tell you that you're better. It's the polite thing to do.

But wait. It gets better. Jake asks, "So what did you ask exactly and what did she answer... exactly?" Aaron had this huge feces-eatin'-grin on his face. "I said, 'So who's a better kisser... me or Calvin?' and she said, 'Well, Calvin's technique is better, but you're definitely more passionate.'"

We all exchanged glances... kinda like we were stalling a little to see if Aaron had anything else to add. (The following statements took place almost simultaneously)

Nick: "That's it? That's all she said?"
Jake: "What makes you think that means you're the better kisser?"
Lance: "Um, she only used the word 'better' once and it was about Calvin."

I tried to keep my mouth shut... even though I was thinking the same thing as my roomies. Aaron started getting defensive and said, "Well, it was more the way she said it. It was obvious she was more excited about the way I was kissing her." I chimed in. "Excited? You mean you asked her who was the better kisser while you were in the middle of your make out session? Like, you pulled your tongue out of her mouth and asked, 'Who's better?' Geez, Aaron."

Lance summed it up pretty well, though, in between the fits of mocking laughter. He said, "It sounds to me like Tori was saying, 'Calvin knows what he's doing, but you're just a desperate, virginous, horn-dog who likes to slobber all over my face.'" Aaron got off the couch and went upstairs. It was pretty awesome. Ironically, I think I fit all of those derogatory descriptions that Lance spouted. I'm a little bit desperate. I'm a virgin. I'm definitely a horn-dog. And I enjoy a moderate amount of make-out slobber. I think the around-the-mouth moisture helps to cool me off when things get a little heated. It's kinda like facial sweat... for the vigorously horizontal.

Calvin