Ever since my half-assed New Years Eve confession of love to Lisa, it has been eating at me, making my 2010 way more dramatic than I am comfortable with. I had fasted last Sunday about Lisa and have asked God every day to guide me.
On Thursday, I got a picture text from Lisa with a ring on it. She followed it up with a little, "I love making you nervous. ;)" text disclaimer. I saw right through that though and figured I needed to talk to her and tell her how I was feeling.
So I drove down to Cedar City Friday afternoon. My car broke down this week, so I borrowed the "kids car" from my parents. This made for an interesting trip because my sister went down to Snow College a couple weeks ago and left her iPod at home. My Mom said I could take the car as long as I dropped off the iPod in Ephraim.
I have been getting a little bored of my music lately so I perused my sisters iPod hoping to find something interesting. After seeing a butt-load of hip-hop, Jonas Brothers, High School Musical, and Glee selections I was about to switch back to my stuff when I noticed a playlist called, "xoLUVxo".
The playlist had 803 songs in it. An eclectic collection of songs from all genre's and decades that I had to give my sister credit for painstakingly creating. I grinned a little as I clicked "shuffle" and just let it roll. Thinking that perhaps, while I mentally prepared for what would, no doubt, be a difficult conversation with Lisa about love, that this playlist would be just what the doctor ordered.
I was right, and even though I skipped probably 3 out of every 5 songs, it was a welcome departure from my usual music habits. I was enjoying it so much in fact, that instead of going to Ephraim first, as planned, I decided I would stop by my sisters on my way home.
I've attached a few selections (they are pretty stinking cheesy) so I highlighted them in blue so you can scroll past them a little easier if you want to.
"I never knew I loved her, 'till the day she laid her eyes on me. Now I'm jumpin' up and down, she's the only one around, and she means every little thing to me."
"Something happened for the very first time with you. My heart melts into the ground. Found something true and everyone’s looking round thinking I’m going crazy."
"Oh I'm beginning to think that man has never found, the words that could make you want me, that have the right amount of letters, just the right sound. That could make you hear, make you see, that you are drivin' me out of my mind."
"What kind of man would I be? Living a life without any meaning, and I know you could surely survive without me, but if I have to live without you..."
"Cause I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine. Stay with me tonight."
"Baby there's nothing in this world that could ever do, what the touch of your hand can do. It's like nothing that I ever knew."
"I don't know how you do what you do, I’m so in love with you. It just keeps getting better. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you by my side, for ever and ever."
"Cause you're my, you're my, my true love, my whole heart."
As I absorbed all the cheese that is the pop love song. I thought that if these songs exist, that people must feel this way in real life. I hear a lot that "love" is a fantasy. Or, that it's foolish to seek after "Hollywood love". That that's not what love is like in real life. That I am too young to understand real love and that I'm filled with starry-eyed fantasies. Perhaps I am too young and unacquainted with life's many lessons, to know better, but I just don't believe any of that.
I imagined the guys who wrote "The Flame" were exchanging high-fives when they found out Cheap Trick was going to sing their song. A song that was written about something real, something that was felt or experienced by them. A song, about love.
I pulled up to Lisa's apartment and sat in the parking lot for a while. On the drive down, I had recited several lyrics into my dictaphone-app on my iPhone. I sat there and read through them. I discovered, very sadly, that I could not apply the words to any of those songs to the way I felt about Lisa.
I felt that there were a few that I could apply to the way I had felt about Andrea.
I said a prayer. I asked Heavenly Father to help me to communicate to Lisa how I felt in a way that would be the best for both of us.
Normally, I would write a detailed recounting of our conversation, but I am just too tired... (just got back and need to get some sleep, hopefully Calvin will proofread it right BEFORE he wakes me up for church), so I will shorten things a bit.
LISA: Blah blah blah.
JAKE: Blah blah blah.
LISA: Ha ha ha, love. Marriage. Ring. Ha ha.
JAKE: Um, yeah about that.
JAKE: Hasty. Unfamiliar. Confused.
LISA: (furrow, frown) More?
JAKE: I love you = rationalization. Was reckless. Sorry. Struggle. Prayer and fasting.
LISA: Thanks for honesty. Sad. Very sad. Not taking back I love you.
JAKE: Not done. Want to keep pursuing relationship. Adore you.
LISA: College till August. Lots of time. No rush. Sad. Feel foolish.
JAKE: Sorry. Big jerk.
LISA: Young. Silly boy. Silly cougar. Should have known.
We spent the weekend together. It was good. Lisa took the news very well, and we didn't talk once about marriage after that. It was different though. I know as mature as she was acting... that she was hurt. Our goodbye was a little awkward because she joked she may never see me again. I wondered when she said, "Just kidding. I love making you nervous." if she meant it.
We decided we are going to act as though New Years Eve never happened and continue our courtship. I'm pretty sure we both know that isn't possible, but it smoothed over the situation for now.