Ever since my half-assed New Years Eve confession of love to Lisa, it has been eating at me, making my 2010 way more dramatic than I am comfortable with. I had fasted last Sunday about Lisa and have asked God every day to guide me.On Thursday, I got a picture text from Lisa with a ring on it. She followed it up with a little, "I love making you nervous. ;)" text disclaimer. I saw right through that though and figured I needed to talk to her and tell her how I was feeling.
So I drove down to Cedar City Friday afternoon. My car broke down this week, so I borrowed the "kids car" from my parents. This made for an interesting trip because my sister went down to Snow College a couple weeks ago and left her iPod at home. My Mom said I could take the car as long as I dropped off the iPod in Ephraim.
I have been getting a little bored of my music lately so I perused my sisters iPod hoping to find something interesting. After seeing a butt-load of hip-hop, Jonas Brothers, High School Musical, and Glee selections I was about to switch back to my stuff when I noticed a playlist called, "xoLUVxo".
The playlist had 803 songs in it. An eclectic collection of songs from all genre's and decades that I had to give my sister credit for painstakingly creating. I grinned a little as I clicked "shuffle" and just let it roll. Thinking that perhaps, while I mentally prepared for what would, no doubt, be a difficult conversation with Lisa about love, that this playlist would be just what the doctor ordered.
I was right, and even though I skipped probably 3 out of every 5 songs, it was a welcome departure from my usual music habits. I was enjoying it so much in fact, that instead of going to Ephraim first, as planned, I decided I would stop by my sisters on my way home.
I've attached a few selections (they are pretty stinking cheesy) so I highlighted them in blue so you can scroll past them a little easier if you want to.
"I never knew I loved her, 'till the day she laid her eyes on me. Now I'm jumpin' up and down, she's the only one around, and she means every little thing to me."
"Something happened for the very first time with you. My heart melts into the ground. Found something true and everyone’s looking round thinking I’m going crazy."
"Oh I'm beginning to think that man has never found, the words that could make you want me, that have the right amount of letters, just the right sound. That could make you hear, make you see, that you are drivin' me out of my mind."
"What kind of man would I be? Living a life without any meaning, and I know you could surely survive without me, but if I have to live without you..."
"Cause I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine. Stay with me tonight."
"Baby there's nothing in this world that could ever do, what the touch of your hand can do. It's like nothing that I ever knew."
"I don't know how you do what you do, I’m so in love with you. It just keeps getting better. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you by my side, for ever and ever."
"Cause you're my, you're my, my true love, my whole heart."
As I absorbed all the cheese that is the pop love song. I thought that if these songs exist, that people must feel this way in real life. I hear a lot that "love" is a fantasy. Or, that it's foolish to seek after "Hollywood love". That that's not what love is like in real life. That I am too young to understand real love and that I'm filled with starry-eyed fantasies. Perhaps I am too young and unacquainted with life's many lessons, to know better, but I just don't believe any of that.
I imagined the guys who wrote "The Flame" were exchanging high-fives when they found out Cheap Trick was going to sing their song. A song that was written about something real, something that was felt or experienced by them. A song, about love.
I pulled up to Lisa's apartment and sat in the parking lot for a while. On the drive down, I had recited several lyrics into my dictaphone-app on my iPhone. I sat there and read through them. I discovered, very sadly, that I could not apply the words to any of those songs to the way I felt about Lisa.
I felt that there were a few that I could apply to the way I had felt about Andrea.
I said a prayer. I asked Heavenly Father to help me to communicate to Lisa how I felt in a way that would be the best for both of us.
Normally, I would write a detailed recounting of our conversation, but I am just too tired... (just got back and need to get some sleep, hopefully Calvin will proofread it right BEFORE he wakes me up for church), so I will shorten things a bit.
LISA: Hey.
JAKE: Hey.
LISA: Blah blah blah.
JAKE: Blah blah blah.
LISA: Ha ha ha, love. Marriage. Ring. Ha ha.
JAKE: Um, yeah about that.
LISA: ?
JAKE: Hasty. Unfamiliar. Confused.
LISA: (furrow, frown) More?
JAKE: I love you = rationalization. Was reckless. Sorry. Struggle. Prayer and fasting.
LISA: Thanks for honesty. Sad. Very sad. Not taking back I love you.
JAKE: Not done. Want to keep pursuing relationship. Adore you.
LISA: College till August. Lots of time. No rush. Sad. Feel foolish.
JAKE: Sorry. Big jerk.
LISA: Young. Silly boy. Silly cougar. Should have known.
JAKE: Movie?
LISA: (Smile)Yes.
We spent the weekend together. It was good. Lisa took the news very well, and we didn't talk once about marriage after that. It was different though. I know as mature as she was acting... that she was hurt. Our goodbye was a little awkward because she joked she may never see me again. I wondered when she said, "Just kidding. I love making you nervous." if she meant it.
We decided we are going to act as though New Years Eve never happened and continue our courtship. I'm pretty sure we both know that isn't possible, but it smoothed over the situation for now.
Jake
46 comments:
If a girl sends you a picture of a ring she is serious, there is no kidding about it regardless of what she may say.
Wow, she sure handled things way better than I would have!
Sanders had to be hiding how she really felt. No girl would take it that well.
You really should have just gotten the hell out of there and let her cry it out.
I agree with Lauren.
Also, don't worry about fitting into someone else's expectations or ideas of what it is to be in love, you'll figure it out on your own.
I hope things go well for you two!
Dude. You need to work on that whole 'thinking about what you say before you say it' thing, especially when it comes to love/marriage/etc.
kind of glad you realize it was stupid though. because, man, sorry, but it really was stupid of you to say that then.
best of luck, hope things keep going well regardless!
One day it'll just click and you'll know it's love. When it's love there is never a question.
I think you handled it well and I think Sanders handled it REALLY well. I like her a lot.
I agree with Lauren, as well. There's no way that I would have been able to handle it that well, and I don't think I know any other girl who would have handled it that well. So kudos to her for either being that mature, or for hiding her feelings that well.
Is it bad that I only recognized like, two of those songs? Maybe your sister just has very different tastes in music than I do..
I don't think she was hiding that much of what she felt. Of course she was sad but it looks to me like she is mature enough to know that it'd be foolish to force it if either party was uncertain. I'm sure she understands the value of giving it more time. She's probably really grateful you didn't decide to just break it off because of your uncertainty. Being able to still spend time with the guy you like and know that it's not totally over...It's a new chance & one thing a girl would be stupid to mess up if she really likes him. I think you (Jake) handled the situation really well. Backtracking is so hard. You guys managed to go in reverse without crashing! That's impressive. Good luck, and May the force be with you. ; )
there is no way that ring thing was just a joke 90% of sarcasm is true
i love "the flame".
i appreciate you highlighting the lyrics in blue, because like you offered, i just jumped ahead for the rest of the story.
as far as feeling whats in the love songs...sure there are some that are about love at first sight. in hip hop there are a ton about infatuation at first sight. but i think most love songs are about love thats been around for a while. stood the test of time, so its not unusual that you wouldnt feel that way about sanders at this point. who knows, in 6 months the 2 of you could be speaking in church for the first time in your family ward and as sanders introduces the two of you and gives a little bio-she will make a joke how you took back the "i love you", but how you pulled you head out(she will sub some church appropriate euphemism)and here you are now, happily sealed in the temple and with a baby due in a few months. we have all seen in before. us mormons anyway.
Well written post. And I love how you summed up the conversation between you and lisa. Short, sweet and straight to the point.
Sanders is awesome! And I think you did the right thing! And I think you'd be surprised how well she might be able to "forget" about New Year's! One thing my friends tell me all the time is "If you don't make it awkward, then it won't be". I just think that she is going to be a little hesitant most likely thinking that you won't really forget and she will be feeling foolish so I think the best thing for you to do is act like you forgot. It will help her alot and will go a long way to completely smoothing things over!!
Great move Jake, at least in my opinion. :)
Wow Jake. I must say I respect you because you didn't text her. You didn't call her. You WENT to her to tell her this. I thought you were really stupid for saying I love you because if you love someone, you know it. There is never a doubt. But, going back and not allowing the lie to go on shows your maturity and care for Sanders. I still really like her, and good luck to you two. I really think that you have great husband and father potential, it just needs a bit of practice and time. Take a deep breath and go with the flow. Remember my blog? That's what I'm having to do. Relax and go with the flow. :]
I agree with singlemormonchick. Things take time. I freak out in relationships and hate commitment. I'm dating someone now that has helped me through it. I wasn't ready to tell him I loved him for awhile, but when I was, I knew it wasn't because I felt butterflies and romance, it was because he was there for me when no one else was or could be. Love isn't the same for everyone. Just don't keep thinking the grass is greener on the other side, it never really is.
Well here is to hoping the flame doesn't die out dude.
And here is hoping that Sanders doesn't disappear like Andrea.
I appreciate your maturity. Most guys wouldn't have the balls to say what you said and be honest like that. Or most girls, for that matter.
I love all the songs, and they're all links too! Very fun.
I haven't heard that association song.
I think it's normal to feel sick to your stomach after telling the opposite sex you love them...sincerely. I know I did, nothing new here. I love you...now let me go throw up. Fraidy cat kicked in no doubt. Horny cat will come back and you will feel the love tonight...again. :)N
i like [and also agree with] Crystals comment
That must have been so hard for you. Good job for telling her though. She deserved the know how you were feeling. You da' man Jake.
Kudos to Lisa for taking it so well. I am impressed to say the least.
Red flag about how you could relate those 'feelings' with Andrea and not Lisa. I think it was somewhat rushed, and I really respect that you told her straight up how you felt and didn't keep going around like everything was fine and dandy. She may be hurt, but it's a lot less then if it had continued..and that always sucks. There's a reason why when I first said I love you to a guy that I told him not to say anything back, to leave and not feel obligated to say anything back. I didn't want that pity (aka that oh crap I need to say it back) "I love you too".
I think it's good that you told her the truth. Girl's appreciate that, as much as the truth sucks sometimes. She might be hurt now, but since you are both continuing to date, she'll be sure that you can be honest. VERY good quality to have!
I'm sure it was really hard on Lisa, but I'm glad she was mature about it to you. You did the right thing. Love is crazy. There's no defining it. There's no amount of time being in a relationship that's too short or too long to know you're in love. It's just... you know when you know. I always used to hate when people said that, but then it happened to me. I just KNEW. I think as long as you keep praying and trying to do what's right, you'll KNOW for sure when you feel it. :)
I'm really impressed by how well Sanders took it (although she's definitely feeling it more than she let on) and that you were honest with her.
Kudos to ya both.
Is it just me or do you miss Andrea?
I think you were "falling in love" with Sanders, but because you had a sleepover, some inappropriate making-out and touchy-feely-ness, you lost what could have been good. I think it was more about the physical relationship progressing to fast than it was the New Year's chat.
Jakers, "Love grows from restraint." Try applying that in your next relationship, and don't cave to having sleepovers and such.
I hope it all works out perfectly. I have been praying for clarity. Or a sign!
I'm glad you were honest with Sanders. She seems like a great girl and deserves it. I hope what you too have doesnt die out.
Just be confident and dont compare your self to others...or to movies.
Bravo! I am happy you got that resolved. Sometimes love stinks, but you will grow because of this relationship. It is a stepping stone to your next phase--maybe even with a new girl. Be glad, because through this you have learned how you are NOT suppose to treat a girl. I know that when the time comes for "love," you will know without a doubt, and you will choose your words and actions very carefully.
Live and learn baby!
Same story different decade. This sort of thing happens a lot I think. Best of luck though.
You did the right thing. When you find out about love write it down. i need some help.
Way to man up and tell her in person.
When you finally recognize "true love" there is no doubt. Ever.
*exhale* wow.
A guy knows when he is in love, if he doesn't feel it (strong enough to propose) very rarely does it happen after more time together. As sad as it is, it's better to break up now and not later when you both have invested more time into it. You won't ever question it when it's the right one! There are rare cases, but that's just it...they are rare!
Aw, even if you are really cheesy, you're totally cute Jake. I like Saunders and how she reacted. She's a keeper :)
If you've never seen High Fidelity, I recommend it. Not only is it highly entertaining but its all about love and how music portrays it. The opening scene, the main character asks the audience, "Are we miserable because we listen to pop music, or do we listen to pop music because we are miserable?"
Anonymous 6:48- totally agree with you.
But I don't like people like you that don't think before you tell someone that you love them. It should be more special than throwing that phrase out like teens do in 8th grade.
KUDOS for telling her how you really felt instead of letting it go on!
A few months ago I was dumped by a fiancee who apparently had been having doubts for a while but didn't tell me. THAT was a fun experience. On her behalf, I'd like to say THANK YOU for having this conversation now and not going ahead and proposing and calling it off later after all that "CONGRATULATIONS!" hubbub happened. :]
I'm glad you set things straight. Sanders seems awesome!
As long as you really meant that you want to keep dating her and you actually do, you should be fine. Don't say one thing when you mean another in order to save her feelings, that's the worst.
Hey I was wondering about something. When you guys were on your missions, did you ever meet girls you wanted to date but couldn't because, well, you were on your mission?? Or is it all business?
Usually if I comment I end up reading the other comments first but not this time...
It's good you talked and were honest with Sanders. However, why do you continually compare her to Andrea? Either somehow get over Andrea and move on or let Sanders go until you have done that. Sanders deserves better than to be compared to her!
Since most of your commenters are female, you're probably not going to hear this from them:
Quit worrying about how you feel, and judge yourself based on how you act.
Compare how you treat Sanders vs. other girls you dated. Are you spending your day thinking of ways to make her smile? Do you put her wants and needs above your own? Are you changing how you live your life to make her happy? If you do these things, does it take effort on your part, or are you doing it instinctively?
Some of the ladies above have said that when you're in love, you know it. I disagree. When you're love, you'll see it. In your relationship, and in your life.
Love may start as a feeling, but it becomes a behavior. You may love Sanders, but it may be too soon for you to commit to everything that love and commitment entails when conjoined. Love is really an action word just like faith is. If you don't love someone, you aren't serving them and that includes your spouse and your future spouse. You feel it, then you do it. And that means service, forgiveness, charity and an eye single to her glory, not yours. And of course all that goes with putting up with another persons flaws. Marriage just seals the deal. The deal of I am here with you through all the crap...bring it! :)N
for once, I agree with an annon...
and props for talking with her about it. I know I've made a few hasty decisions when its late and I'm tired, then I have to go back and do some "clean - up" later. I'm glad she handled it well. At least while you were there.
She handled that so well! Personally I would've been a mess!
The right relationship will still be right a year from now, or five years from now. Thinking someone's "the one"--or even knowing they are--isn't the same as being ready, yourself, to actually make that commitment.
We didn't actually get formally engaged until a couple of years after we decided to get married. We both knew, on our first date, that we'd found "the one"--but we also knew that we weren't in the right place in our lives to get married. We were in school, we had no money, but, more importantly, we were also still growing as people. Apart from anything else, we wanted to make sure that, as individuals, we were ready to fully understand--and embrace--what it means to make an eternal commitment.
Each of your song selections made me gag.
The three best love songs I've come across are
"Thank You" by Led Zeppelin
"I've Found a Reason" by Velvet Underground
"I'll Be Your Mirror" by Velvet Underground
If you really want to explore what love is and what it means then look for something real and avoid anything poppy. (A really great place to start exploring is 2 Cor. 13, but it might also be more than you're willing to give.)
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