Thursday, April 29, 2010

2010 Census

I have taken on a part time job with the US Census. I figure since I am planning on being the first President who can't spell and doesn't care to pretend to, I would start my Government career early. Plus my mom really pushed me and pretty much got this Census job for me.

I've been training for the census. They basically tell us how to not get eaten by dogs, raped by uh... rapists, and how to resolve concerns people have about the Man getting them down.

Most everyone in my training group is old and laid off and nearly all conversations revolve around how bad the economy is and how they are losing their houses. When I say "old" I mean they are in their mid-40s and up. All except for me and one girl. Shaleese. (remember we may not change every name on this blog) Shaleese is 21 and she is cute as a button. I know that description sounds silly, but it's the most accurate description I can come up with.

She has really really really blond hair. It's short and her skin is tan but perfectly smooth. She wears pink every single day, which makes her seem really sweet. We have been doing these trainings now for a while and I haven't been able to muster the courage to talk to her.

Well the other day the trainer paired us off to do role-playing exercises and he paired me and Shaleese together. Everyday I wished he'd do that. It seemed like an obvious choice to me. We were the only 20-somethings. I often sat in class not paying attention and thought, "When I am as old as this guy and I see a dorky kid and a hot girl in a classroom I am always going to pair them off." It just seems like the courteous thing to do... to the dork.

So Shaleese and I sat there and role-played Census taking for a sec. The class room was really loud, though, as everyone else did their exercises. She cut from routine and said, "So Jake, how come you've never talked to me?" I was stunned and felt the way I had felt when I had previously chosen not to talk to her. I didn't know how to relay that without seeming completely pathetic so I said, "Um, I don't know... hopefully, for the same reason you didn't talk to me." (Because she was hot!) She smiled. I could tell she was confident and had a somewhat strong personality which made me infinitely more attracted to her than before. She leaned forward and began quizzing me about... me. I tried to return her curiosity, but she was too random and would sometimes ignore my question completely and just ask me a new question.

Shaleese: How well did you do in high school?
Jake: I did terrible, how about you?
Shaleese: What about college? You going or just working?
Jake: I'm not in school right now, College and me didn't get along. What about you?
Shaleese: Were are you working... you know besides the Census?

As I got more comfortable and was able to successfully make her laugh a few times I realized that she really liked to control the conversation so I decided to add some vague curiosities to my answers.

Shaleese: Do you prefer chicken or steak?
Jake: Depends on the vegetable.
Shaleese: (grinning) No vegetable.
Jake: Is there a sauce of some kind?
Shaleese: No sauce.
Jake: Well, that's easy then...
(I could see a look of satisfaction on her face like she had just won something) depends on how the meats are cooked.
(Her look deflated to 'slight annoyance')
Shaleese: You think you're pretty smart don't you?
Jake: (looking around the room) The smartest person in this room.
Shaleese: (smiled) For being so sure of yourself, it sure took you long enough to talk to me.

I quickly found that Shaleese responded best to me acting cocky. Which luckily comes a little too natural to me. Keep in mind as this story obviously relays, "acting" is the keyword. After that little exchange I kept thinking, 'Just ask her out Jake. Next time she says something about taking so long to talk to her, just ask her out.' We talked for the rest of training that day and only pretended to role play when the trainer would walk around.

Shaleese: You're Mormon right?
Jake: Yes
Shaleese: Do you watch R rated movies?
Jake: Yes
Shaleese: Have you seen Kick-Ass yet?
Jake: No. Have you?
Shaleese: Nope. I can't wait though. It looks so funny.
(This would be the perfect time to say, "Well, why don't we go see it tomorrow night? I knew that, but my chest tightened up and I got all nervous. Why!? so instead...)
Jake: Yeah, it looks hilarious.
Shaleese: I hate Nicolas Cage though. Did you ever see Knowing?
Jake: No.
Shaleese: It was terrible. Just terrible.
(Yet another opportunity to ask her out. I needed to because my recent dates with Vanessa and April weren't stellar. Instead, very cowardly I moved the conversation in another direction because I found that nervous feeling [which I couldn't control] take over.)

Asking her out was on the tip of my tongue for the rest of the entire conversation. I couldn't do it, though. She petrified me, or at least the idea of her rejecting me petrified me. I could not be myself at all, even after conversating for so long. Training ended and I totally pussed out.

Shaleese looked at me as she walked out of class. She smiled and waved. I should have fricking asked her out or at least asked her to walk her to her car or something. Anything.

I have resolved to make certain to ask her out before this training is over (which is next week). Driving home today, I entertained that Shaleese could be the welcomed "relief crush" I had been hoping to replace Claire. Shaleese is cute enough... still, my thing for Claire isn't passed, but this kind of thing is the only way it will pass. I think.


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Phase 2

I went to my parents house last night. I wasn't stalking Kristen this time, I actually had to return my dad's post hole digger. I ended up hanging out there for most of the evening. As I was walking out to my truck to leave I glanced down the street and saw Kristen car in her parent's driveway again.

I couldn't take it anymore. I called Kristen. She answered her phone and our conversation was surprisingly comfortable. "Hey, Kristen. I'm not sure if you remember me. I'm the guy that you decided to take advantage of and then kick to the curb. Remember me?" She replied, "Ryan?" I started laughing. She's so cute. I told her that I was at my parents house and had just noticed her car parked in her parents driveway. She told me that she had seen my truck parked over there and was hoping I'd call. It felt good to hear her say that she had at least noticed my truck. I dunno why.

I told her that she should come over to hang out with me at my parents house for old times sake. "I think that sounds like a great idea. I'll be over there in 15 minutes." I was glad I'd finally talked to her, but was nervous at the same time. I had no idea how our visit was going to go. This was going to be the relationship test. Where do we stand? How do we proceed? Are we cool? Was I good enough for you to want to give me another go?

We ended up sitting on my parent's back porch for about a half hour. We talked about her sister and we talked about my brother. Kristen was wearing shorts, of course, and told me that she was getting a little bit cold. I suggested we get our blood moving by jumping on the trampoline for a few minutes. Our conversation moved to the tramp. We jumped for a little while, but then ended up sitting on the trampoline while we continued to talk.

Eventually the topic of conversation transitioned to our date 10 days ago and our doorstep scene. It was the funnest conversation I think we've ever had. We actually started talking about our make-out with each other just like we would have talked if it was with someone else.

Not only was it a fun and informative conversation, but it was pretty exciting. We relived the entire doorstep scene. Every single detail. She told me what she was thinking. I told her what I was thinking. We both admitted to being excited to see how the other kissed. We admitted to being horny beyond comprehension. Neither one of us thought it was a bad idea. I told Kristen that if I could go back, I'd try harder to impress her with my super awesome skills. I told her that I was so flustered last Friday that I'd failed to incorporate some of the tips and advice that she'd previously encouraged me to try. Kristen replied with, "You can always try all that stuff next time." I squinted through the darkness to see the look on her face. It wouldn't have surprised me if she was just joking. Kristen is the type of person to do that kind of thing. She wasn't joking. At least her back lit facial expression didn't tell me she was joking. I said, "Maybe we should go inside and you can help me make a paper chain. Then I can rip off a ring everyday until it's time for the "next time'." Kristen inched closer very very subtly and said, "Well, I hope the chain isn't that long."

It seemed so natural. I didn't even hesitate. We were obviously on the same page. I thought Kristen was an amazing kisser the first time we'd kissed. But by comparison... my goodness. We kissed for a really long time. I was able to try out every single thing she'd told me to try. Then I was able to try them again. I noticed several times throughout our four hour make-out session that Kristen was trying out a few of the things I'd mentioned to her. It was like I was making out with a super hot, tan, female version of myself. I had a flashback of trying to make out with the mirror when I was 13 years old and this was so much more fun. It's better when someone beside me is squeezing my butt.

Kristen really got into it. Like, big time. I was flattered that she was so "engaged", but I tried not to let my head get too big, cause she'd told me several times that she had a tendency to get carried away on occasion. Luckily I know as much about Kristen as I do. I was able to reign her in when I needed to, and then do exactly what I needed to do in order to drive her insane again. It was the funnest four hour block of time I've had in the last year. Actually, the first 3.5 hours were the funnest. The last half hour was painful. I was wearing denim jeans and our kissing was so vigorous that I got extremely uncomfortable. Pretty much the worst kind of uncomfortable. I was having so much fun, though, that I didn't realize how uncomfortable I was until this morning. Now it's been 10 hours since our make-out and I'm still in pain. But I'm pretty excited about how things are going. It's still too early to tell.


Monday, April 26, 2010

Gaegg Shells

I put an ad on KSL and Yahoo for some new roommates. Calvin and I have moved things around a bit so that we have a little more space to rent out. I have posted two ads, one for a single room and one for shared rooms. I went to put them up at the Institute of the U of U, but they said I had to be registered at Institute. My singles ward is always plugging Institute, but I'm like, (warning: the following "I'm like" could be construed as a bad attitude towards church. Lucky for the author, church is a hospital for sinners, not a hotel for saints... a hospital that you go to for three hours a week) 'yeah, like I need more Church? or school? No, No I do not... I can barely go to the three hours of Church I do go to. Why would I volunteer for more?'

Anyway, I've been getting some calls and emails about our ads for the rooms. Calvin and I want to be picky about our roommates. You know, we would like guys with LDS standards who have a lot of female friends, but who are slightly less good looking than us and always willing to "jump on a grenade" for us. The reality is setting in that we are likely not going to have choices like that.

I had one guy call who was really interested. He seemed really cool and said that he was looking for a house with LDS standards because he didn't like drinking. He asked me a bunch of other questions and then he said, "I'm gay. Is that a problem?" I honestly don't care if he is gay. Unfortunately, I wasn't prepared for his question.

When he asked me that I thought about that loose tile on our kitchen countertop which I lifted up and took a Sharpie and wrote "Aaron is gay" underneath. Every time new girls come over I ask, "Hey, want to know a secret?" then I would lift up the tile, to which they would laugh, and likely think to themselves, 'Oh Jake, you're so funny.'

One day Nick was over and showed Aaron the tile. Aaron got so mad! He started yelling, "Who wrote this? Who wrote this?" At first we all snickered at his reaction, but when we realized he wasn't joking around, he was really pissed, we all got kind of silent. Aaron wouldn't let it go. He started scrubbing it with bleach and was yelling, "Who wrote this? This is not cool!" He scrubbed but Sharpie's are permanent for a reason. Aaron got more angry at our silence so finally, I fessed up and he didn't talk to me for three whole days.

Luckily Calvin pointed out three or four days later that Aaron's reaction by itself could be proof of his actual gayness. When Aaron heard that, he apologized to me and said he was just having a bad day or something and that he didn't care. Which Calvin pointed out was further proof that Aaron was, in fact, gay.

I thought about that and thought about how much we just tease and make fun of each other in our house. I didn't want anyone moving in who we couldn't harass and, better yet, who couldn't harass us back. I mean Aaron makes fun of me and everyone else just a good as the next guy.

So in response to this gay guy's gay question I said, "No, that's not a problem at all, I mean we're not going to walk on eggshells around you or anything." His response was silence. Uh oh, did I offend him? I said, "I mean we're all buddies and make fun of each other for all sorts of things... true and untrue... you know... so..." The other end of the phone remained silent. I continued to overcompensate, "Like one of the guys who lives here's dad died, and we always tease him about it you know, and it's so funny cause he'll play along... we're just good friends and if you moved in you'd become a friend, as well... and so I just want you to come in to this situation knowing there'd be all manner of mockery." The pause continued. I realized that I was digging a hole and so I stopped talking. After a couple of seconds, I said, "Hello?" I kid you not, he replied, "Well, I never." and then he hung up.

I recognize that my delivery could have been better, but I know that there are cool gay guys out there who can joke around and stuff. This one guy just happened to be a tool. I started to wish I could have handled it better because I figured a cool gay guy might have loads of female friends. I hope another gay guy calls and wants to move in. I'll be better prepared next time.

So, seeing as we are totally anonymous and need to remain that way in order for this blog to live on in awesomeness, I can't very well advertise rooms for rent on our kick A house here on the blog... but if you're looking in the Salt Lake area, try to find the room for rent that has a really funny advert.


Sunday, April 25, 2010

Not Necessarily

I thought about Kristen a lot last week. I'm sure that's to be expected after our spontaneous vertical make-out session last weekend. A few people have commented on this here blog (and some of my real life acquaintances, as well) that maybe my sudden loss of interest in Mikaela had something to do with Kristen. I don't think that's true. I mean, I know this is Utah and I know that since Kristen and I have a long history of friendship that has recently blossomed into a physical relationship, of sorts, that a lot of people assume that this must be the beginning of my eternal companionship with Kristen... but I don't think that's what's happening here.

I've been so confused lately on what to do with Kristen. For about three days after our date last Friday, I was paranoid that our friendship had been ruined. Every time my phone rang and every time a text message came through, my insides knotted up. Not in excitement. It knotted in nervousness... like I was scared that it was gonna be Kristen wanting to "talk about it". But it never was.

By Tuesday night I started feeling relieved. I felt like enough time had passed that if one of us DID make contact, it wouldn't be awkward. I dunno if I'm explaining myself very well here. If she called me the day after our date, I'd have felt like Kristen thought something was happening between us... and that scared me. But by Wednesday night, my feelings had U-turned. I was wondering all kinds of things that only girls worry about. I wondered if she was mad that I hadn't called. I wondered if she felt stupid and was avoiding me. I wondered if she regretted kissing me. That thought kind of made my stomach hurt. I really didn't want her to regret it, cause I didn't regret it. I still wasn't sure if it was the best idea... but I definitely didn't regret it.

Thursday and Friday were pretty rough. I almost called her a couple of times, but didn't. If I hadn't talked to her for a couple of months before our date last Friday, why would I call her now? I decided I wanted things to stay as "normal" as possible, but the more I thought about it, the more I didn't like the idea. Kristen is such an amazing kisser. She laughs at all my jokes and she has the cutest laugh in the world. She's really funny. She has really tan, smooth, shapely legs. We hate all of the same people. We make fun of our hideous peers... cause they're ugly. Man. I dunno.

By the time yesterday rolled around, I still hadn't heard anything from Kristen. I noticed her status update on Facebook said that she was excited to see her mom and sisters last night. Well, her parents live about five houses away from my parents. I don't remember consciously deciding to "run into" her, but at some point yesterday afternoon I thought of a reason to go to my parents house. I think my subconscious plan was for Kristen to see my truck parked at my parents house, and think, "Hey, that's Calvin's truck. I should text him. Oh, heck. I'll just drop by and see if he wants to go for a walk. But first I'll go tanning." Well, it didn't work out that way. I ended up sitting at my parents house for two hours, periodically wandering into the front yard to make sure Kristen's car was still parked at her parents house.

Finally, at about nine o'clock, I wandered outside and noticed that her car was gone. I totally chickened out. And I totally wasted a Saturday night. And I still haven't talked to her since our date. I'm so effing confused.


Friday, April 23, 2010

Ankle Push-ups

(on the other end of the phone I hear: "...pedicure on our toes, toes, trying on all our clothes, clothes, boys blowing up our phones, phones. Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs, pulling up to the parties, trying to get a little bit tipsy. Don't stop, make it pop, DJ, blow my speakers up! Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight. Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop----" The song was interrupted by an answer, but it played through my head throughout the conversation, so this post is best read with that song playing in the background.

APRIL: Hello?
JAKE: Um, hi is uh April there.
APRIL: This is April.
JAKE: Oh, nice. Hi. My name is Jake Peter Halifax.

I stole, or rather copied, the full name thing from Calvin. It is solid gold.

APRIL: (laughs) Hi Jake.
JAKE: Hopefully you remember me, my Aunt, your boss, set us up and we talked on the phone a few days ago.
JAKE: (cutting her off) and you agreed to go on a date...
APRIL: (laughs) Of course I--
JAKE: (interrupting again) ...tonight... With me.

I always like to pretend like I think that she would actually completely forget who I am. I find that most girls take this as funny and complimentary.

APRIL: (laughs) Oh my gosh, Jake! Of course I remember you. (laughs) How could I forget. Are you calling to cancel for tonight or something?
JAKE: No. NO. Heavens no. I was just sitting here doing some push ups and brushing my teeth and I realized that I have no idea where you live?
APRIL: Oh, the address is 765 South--
JAKE: (interrupts) Oh don't tell me now, I can't very well write down your address while doing push-ups, brushing my teeth and holding my phone.
APRIL: (extra laughter)

Her laughter was a little too much. The good thing about too much laughter is that either she really thinks I am that funny, or she likes me and is willing to help me feel funny when I am not.

JAKE: I know you women think everyone can multi-task like you can, but really, today, I've reached my limit.
APRIL: Oh right. Um... (laughs) I'd like to see how you're doing push-ups with both your hands holding something up to your face.
JAKE: Yeah, I'll show you sometime. But pretty much all of my bodies weight is being held up by my ankles, my toes are touching the floor and my ankles are pushing me up and down freeing up my arms for other important tasks. It's no big thing.
APRIL: (laughs) You must have strong ankles.
JAKE: So I was just calling to see how you wanted to handle me getting to your place. Would you prefer to just text me the address or would you rather give me a general area and then I can call you when I get close and you can guide me in?
APRIL: Oh I can just text you.
JAKE: Are you sure? Because, you know, guiding me in can create some serious bonding and build levels of trust.

I felt I was speaking in a sarcastic enough tone that this was obviously a joke. Even though I've been "guided in" before and it was a pretty nice icebreaker.

APRIL: (laughs) Oh my gosh, if you are being for real this is going to be the worst date ever. (laughs again) You're too funny.
JAKE: (laughs) Um alright then... I guess that means you'll just text me the address then?
APRIL: Oh my gosh, (laughs) Yeah, we can bond some more while we're on the date.
JAKE: Uh, yeah... good idea. Cool. Well, I'll pick you up at 7 then.
APRIL: Cool, see you in a couple hours.

I'm not sure at what point I started calling the girl "the day of" to confirm the date. I think I stole that move from Calvin, too. It always kind of sets the tone and gives me a glimpse into how easy making her laugh is going to be. I find I can't gather this kind of intel on the initial phone call because I'm too nervous and have a hard time being funny.

My aunt gave me her 4 season tickets to a play at Hale theater tonight, just so I could take out this girl she wants me to go out with. So Calvin is gonna bring Kristen or Mikela or Bonnie or something, and we're going to double. What's funny? While I was talking to April I could hear Calvin through the thin door to our room, "...This is Calvin, Calvin Lynn Marler."

You're probably wondering who this girl April is that I am going to take on a dinner/comedy show adventure tonight? Is she the same girl I went out with over the weekend? No, that girls name was Vanessa. She is just some girl that my aunt has been trying to set me up with for a while. I finally decided to go because Claire announced to me that her and Adam (the old wrinkly 30+ plus year old creeper) were dating. She wanted to tell me about their DTR at FHE this week. I cleverly avoided that confession though and decided I had better implement option C.

So, April seems just as good a candidate as anyone. She looks cute on Facebook... that gives her about a 60% chance of actually being cute. Hopefully it'll be fun. Hopefully she doesn't say, "Oh My Gosh." every 5 minutes. Hopefully she doesn't interrupt and ruin one of Calvin's jokes. Hopefully if she's boring the play is good.

And hopefully, either I can fill my crush spot with this new girl... or Claire and Adam the Geezer break up while I'm on this date and she realizes that her true feelings for me are the same as my true feelings for her... and Adam goes and finds someone to date who was at least born in the same decade as him.

Fine I admit it, I am going on a date tonight with April just to try and forget about/get over/stay out of the friend zone with/get back at, Claire.

Everyone's pathetic like this... right?


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Judge Mikaela

You know how sometimes in a relationship there comes a point where you realize the particular person isn't who you thought they were? It can be a good thing occasionally, but most of the time it's a bad thing. Well, that happened with Mikaela. It really sucks, as well, because I feel like we've developed a really honest and loving relationship over the last few months. I know I've only talked to her four times, but I thought we had a connection. I mean, I don't know anything about her... other than she's hot and she works at Lens Crafters. But she's hot. I enjoy looking at hot women. It's like we were made for each other.

But all that changed today. I got to class a little bit early and the other class hadn't let out yet, so all of the students were hanging out in the hall waiting for the other class to end. I always hate situations like that cause I feel pressure to conversate with my peers. I don't really want to. What are we gonna talk about? The class? Glee? Homework? None of those things interest me. I thought about taking my iPhone earbuds out and putting them in my ears so it appeared as though I was jamming to my sweet tunes. Sometimes I even go so far as to move my lips ever so slightly so it looks like I'm singing along to a really awesome song, when in reality I'm eavesdropping on two or three different conversations.

Before I had a chance to get out my headphones I felt someone touch the back of my arm. It felt really good before I'd even turned around. (Looking back, I'm glad it wasn't a dude touching my arm or else I might have felt dirty) It was Mikaela... and she remembered my name. "Hey, Calvin." It was an awkward conversation... so for me it was pretty normal. I didn't have time to prepare at all for it and I felt like I was floundering. I was paying way too much attention to how I was standing. I was erect (as in 'vertical'), but leaning up against the wall on my right shoulder. I had on both of the straps on my backpack. I wondered if she thought that was weird. I glanced around quickly to see if other guys had on both of their shoulder straps. Every male in a 20 foot radius was either sitting down on the floor or holding their backpack in their hand.

I thought briefly about my mission. That was why I used both shoulder straps. With all the walking we had to do, it was definitely the most comfortable way to travel. Apparently I had subconsciously chosen to sacrifice "cool points" for comfort. Then I saw a kid come around the corner and I immediately noticed he was wearing both of his shoulder straps just like I was. I felt some of the tension leave my upper torso and I immediately felt better about my posture and my outward physical appearance. Then I noticed that the "two strap" kid had a tube coming out of his backpack emptying into his mouth. The kid was wearing one of those freakin' camel water pack thingies... walking around the Social Science building. I'd had an experience with all of the stairs previously, but a camel backpack? Really? I decided I didn't want to be anything like that kid.

As I was contemplating how I could subtly slide one of the shoulder straps off without looking too much like I was trying to be hip, I remembered that I was supposed to be engaged in flirtatious banter with Mikaela. I had been talking to her for a couple of minutes and I could barely remember what we'd been talking about. Then I heard her say, "You should totally come. Have you been to very many raves?" I kind of remembered her talking about going to a rave, but didn't think much about it because of my stupid obsession with my backpack straps.

"Um, no. I've never been to a rave? Are they fun?" Mikaela started telling me about how awesome they are, but I was thinking, "Rave? They still have raves? What year is this?" The only thing I know about raves is that people sell balloons full of dentist gas or something. And I'm pretty sure there are rock bands. Also, I've always thought raves were like one huge drugged up mosh pit. And I'm also pretty sure that people get hurt when they go to raves.

Instead of asking Mikaela if all of my preconceived notions were correct, I just silently judged her. I let her talk about how awesome raves were for a few minutes while I decided she wasn't Mormon and probably did drugs and slept with random guys while at her Happy Gas Rave Parties.

I don't like her anymore.


Monday, April 19, 2010

She Started It

We went on a group date last Friday. Just the roomies (I guess Nick still counts even though he moved out and still owes us money). I totally spaced it for some reason and didn't remember until Jake reminded me at about three o'clock Friday afternoon. I told Jake that I had forgotten. Jake, of course, said, "It's not too late, dude. Man up and call somebody." This command was particularly humorous because Jake was telling me to do something that he would never do himself... and attempting to mock me for my lack of testicular fortitude. I told Jake and Aaron (Nick was there, but I'm giving him the silent treatment) that it was too late to find a date and no girl in her right mind would accept a date invitation on such short notice, because that would mean she'd be admitting to having no plans on a Friday night and must therefore be a loser.

Then Aaron suggested I ask out Kristen. I realize I haven't mentioned Kristen before. Jake and I were talking the other day about how many people play huge parts in our lives, but never make it into our blog. Kristen is one of these people. She's been my friend since high school and she still makes a special effort to keep in touch with me. I'm glad she goes out of her way because if she didn't, I'm sure we'd have lost touch by now. I'm lazy and luckily, Kristen knows that, so she assumes most of the responsibility in keeping our friendship alive. I love her for that.

In high school, Kristen and I purposely went to registration together just before our senior year started. We wanted our lockers next to each other because we were such good friends. We'd hang out all the time. I'd talk to her about the girls I happen to be dating and she'd talk to me about the guys she was dating. We'd even discuss physical intimacy with each other. I've always been secretly jealous of the guys she was involved with. She'd tell me about her horizontal make-outs. We'd laugh and compare notes. Interestingly enough, I credit her for most of my sexual prowess even though our relationship has always been strictly platonic. She taught me so much about women and kissing and flirting... it was awesome.

She used to come over to my house at night during the summer. I'd answer the door and see her standing there wearing a tank top and shorts. She's adorable. I knew why she was there, but I'd always wait for her to ask, "Hey, Calvin. Wanna go for a walk?" We'd walk around for a long time, just talking and laughing. She always smelled like a tanning bed. A lot of people don't like that smell. I loved it. We hugged a lot. At school. At home. At church. She was (and still is) my only real female friend. I don't do well with female friends. I don't think very many (straight) guys do. It just seems like no matter how innocent the relationship is, the guy always ruins it cause he's horny. I've always been able to control myself around Kristen. I'm not sure how, but I've always been nervous to make any kind of move and risk destroying our friendship. But every time Kristen tells me a story about a guy she's dating, I get a little bit jealous, but I would never ever tell her that. I just listen to her laugh and I admire her tan legs and flip flops and think, "I'll bet she's such an amazing kisser. How could she NOT be?"

So on Friday night Aaron suggested I ask Kristen to come on the date that I had forgotten about. It was a pretty good plan. If she didn't have anything else to do, she wouldn't be ashamed to admit it. I was sure we'd have a blast. We always had fun together. So I called her. I had no idea if she was even dating anyone. It had been about a month since we'd last spoken. "Of course, Calvin. I'd love to go out with you." I didn't even feel like I needed to say, "you know... just as friends." She knew it and I knew it.

The date went really well. Kristen and I were talking and laughing like we always do. Something felt a little different, though, and I still can't put my finger on it. It's possible that the fact that we were on an official "date" had some sort of effect on our attitudes, but that seems so unlikely. I just noticed that we were looking at each other differently. Not uncomfortable at all... just different. It didn't affect our chemistry or our behavior. Something was just... not the same. Not good or bad. Just different.

While we were sitting and waiting for the show to start, I glanced over at Kristen's legs. She was wearing shorts (since it was over 50 degrees) and her feet were on the seat in front of her. Her smooth, tan legs were propped up at a very attractive angle and we continued to talk about anything and everything. As we bantered, I remembered her saying several times about how her legs were her "weakness". Like, it turned her on... a lot... if a guy touched her legs. During one of our many topics of conversation, I reached over and said, "So does it still drive you crazy if a guy touches your leg?" and I gently placed my hand just above her knee. Kristen started laughing like I was tickling her. She grabbed my hand and moved it off of her leg as she laughed, "Yes, it does. A lot." I started laughing as I looked down at her leg and said, "Oh, Kristen, you have a hair or something on your leg right there. Let me brush it off." I reached over and rubbed her leg gently as though I was brushing a hair off of her leg. She still laughed, but it was more of a giggle. She made no effort to remove my hand from her leg. She just giggle quietly and watched my hand brush her leg. Then I started feeling pretty uncomfortable. Mostly because I was expecting her to hit my hand away again. Then the show started.

There was no hand-holding or arm-over-shoulder action. It would have been extremely awkward since we were friends... and nothing else.

Dinner was normal. Conversation was shared with the rest of the group. I still sensed something was different with Kristen, but it was almost impossible to notice. It was there, though.

When I walked her up to her door, I felt like our parting hug should have been like the hundreds of other hugs we've shared. But it wasn't. It lasted longer than usual. We were talking to each other while hugging. I was pretty sure we hadn't done that before. I told her how much fun I'd had. Kristen agreed. But neither one of us were very quick to break away from the hug. I started to wonder if she was giving me a Greenlight. I decided I'd move out of the hug slowly and see how she reacted.

As I slowly pulled out of the hug, Kristen stayed close. So close, in fact, that I stopped moving out when I noticed we were cheek-to-cheek. I knew what was happening. I'm sure Kristen did, as well. We kept hugging for maybe 20 more seconds with our cheeks touching. No talking. No whispering. Just hugging and thinking. Thinking about what we were about ready to do. Thinking about whether or not it was a good idea. Thinking about how things were gonna change. Actually, I'm sure that's what Kristen was thinking. I was thinking, "I hope she's as good as I think she's gonna be."

She was.


Saturday, April 17, 2010

Shabby Apples not too Shabby Winner

Jake says, "Hey Dude. It's midnight." Calvin replies, "Yeah?" Jake says, "We have to go see who the winner is of our Shabby Apple thing." Calvin says, "Oh Yeah." They skip in unison down the hall to the computer. Luckily their roommates are downstairs. Jake says, "Oh, look, three more entry's in the last 5 minutes. That puts the total at 122 comments... Cool, so now what?" Calvin looks puzzled, "I don't know." Jake responds, "I thought this was your thing dude... didn't you say that there was some internet site that picks a winner from the comments for us?" Calvin, "Well yeah I said that, but only because I assume that's true, I mean it's 2010. There are satellites that can check your temperature from space... surely there is a random blog comment picker thingy."

Jake says, "Well maybe we can write down each name that made a valid entry and--" Calvin cuts him off, "You want to write 122 names down? Why don't we just pick one?" Jake, "That doesn't seem very fair. We would just pick the person who wrote the most complimentary post about us... people would know." Calvin says, "Yeah, true, but then next time we do a giveaway they would write more complimentary posts." Jake laughing, "I would say yes lets do that, but if Claire ever found out I wrote this blog I'd get some 'honest in your dealings with your fellowmen' lecture." Calvin laughs and says, "Just go to Busy Bee's blog or Amy Crisp's blog and see how they do it?" Jake types into Google "random giveaway selecter." Calvin says, "It's o-r."

Jake says, "Here we go. We just enter the number of comments into this calculator and then hit this 'generate' button. Calvin asks, "And then count to that comment?" Jake says, "Yep." Jake and Calvin look at each other. Jake says, "Should I do it?" Calvin replies, "Maybe we should do it together." Jake smiles, "Okay, but the 'enter' button is wide enough that we don't have to actually touch fingers." Calvin says, "Alright... that's a good idea."

The pair gently put their fingers on the Enter button. Calvin brushes Jakes finger accidentally. Jake lurches back like he just touch the burner on the stove! Calvin says, "Sorry dude." Jake replies, "It's okay... It wasn't as bad as I thought." They put their fingers back on the button. Jake says, "Ready?" Calvin's finger slowly slides over and touches Jakes. Calvin says, "Yep."

The press enter and the number is '119'.

Calvin says, "I got to run to the bathroom, want to see who that is?" Jake nods and is already counting. Calvin leaves, goes pee, and returns to find Jake still counting. Calvin asks, "Did you find it yet?" Jake says, "No. You know how long it's been since I counted over 100? I keep losing my place." Calvin laughs, "Dude, there are 122 comments. Count backwards by three." Jake hangs his head and groans at his stupidity.

Calvin finds the 119th comment and says, "That's not a valid entry." Jake says, "Why not?" Calvin replies, "Well, they didn't tweet, blog or facebook about us. That was the only way to enter." Jake says, "Yeah those are the rules. So should we just pick another number?" Calvin says, "Yeah, I mean it's true that Kaylee Horsnby is a total hottie, but hottness unfortunately isn't a qualifying factor." Jake says, "We should make it one next time." Calvin replies, "Yes, we definitely should."

Jake and Calvin push the button again. 112. Jake says, "Dang, I loved that comment... I wish that was a valid entry." Calvin laughs, "Oh yeah someone else offended by the word 'gay'." Jake says, "You mean 'gay', like, light-hearted fancy free, mothers lock up your daughters, Calvin's on the town?" Calvin says, "No dude I meant 'gay' like homosexual, like two guys picking out a dress for a girl and gingerly giving it away." Jake laughs, "Dude that's what they were saying was offensive. You're just going to make them madder." Calvin says, "I don't care man, she probably wants me to say 'lame' because she hates gimps and thinks gays are better than gimps. Seriously, I'll just let Nikki get on here and defend us. One time, she made one of the best posts I ever read about people getting so easily offended... maybe it was a comment... Anyway, this conversation is getting gay, lets move on."

They pause for a second with their fingers touching on the enter key again. Jake asks, "There were some valid entries weren't there?" Calvin nods in affirmation. They press the button. 30. Calvin says, "Think you can make it to 30, dude." Jake ignores him and counts. Jake exclaims, "What the crap! Another invalid entry. Were our rules not clear?" Calvin replies, "No dude they were pretty clear." Jake says, "Well next time, as well as adding 'hot' to the list we need to make people that point out how smart we actually are qualify. I mean, I think she deserves it." Calvin says, "Then the first chick deserves it too, or her friend at least." Jake replies, "Touche, lets keep it fair, this dress belongs on a rule follower right?" Calvin answers, "Right." and puts his finger back on the Enter key.

Jake joins him, and again they push the button. Jake says "Number 13, please be valid this post is getting hella long." Calvin says, "Like all your posts." Jake says, "I... yeah... I have no defense." Jake finishes counting and says, "There we go dude, says she made a blog post about us." Calvin says, "Sweet, I was getting bored." Jake looks at the blog and says, "Uh, I think we have a problem..." Calvin looks at the screen, "What?" Jake sighs, "This isn't a girl... it's a guy." Calvin says, "What?" Jake says, "He's a dude." Calvin says, "We can't give a dress to a dude." Jake replies, "His entry is 100% valid though. I mean he wrote a blog post about us, made the comment, got his comment drawn and everything." Calvin shakes his head, "We have 121 girls that want that dress and some guy comes along and is going to win it?" Jake says, "Fair is fair man." Calvin replies, "Yeah." Jake says, "So... the winner is uh... PUMMELHEAD." Calvin says, "I wonder which of the three girls he mentions in his comment he's going to give the dress to?" Jake says, "I don't know, but he should see what they're willing to do for it." Calvin says, "Yeah, you know he doesn't even have to give it to one of them. He can use it as leverage to make out with half the readers of our blog." Jake says, "In a Mormon appropriate way of course?" Calvin replies, "Of course."

Check out pummelheads blog here. He affectionately refers to himself as J-dizzle (which probably means he has an awesome name like Jason or something), and his blog, or rather, his guide to awesomeness can have you making new friends and finding adventure in the World of Warcraft (even though that's not all he blogs about he just likes it.)

Enjoy your dress buddy, and I mean that!


Calvin says, "Oh, look dude he left another comment later saying he was going to give it to his sister if he won." Jake says, "That's no good, he can't very well smooch his sister... We should tell him to delete that comment so he can get a snog or two out of it." Calvin says, "We should." Calvin and Jake say in unison, "Hey J-Dizzle, delete your second comment before your sister sees it and see if you can use the dress to score a snog or two."

Additional note: To the three sad souls who would've won had their comment been a valid entry in our giveaway. Send us an email, and we will send you your very own Mormon Bachelor Pad T-Shirt, cause we feel bad for laughing at how much you're probably hitting your head against the wall right now.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Elude and Avoid are Synonyms

I've got a very healthy hamster in a wheel in my head, and the little bastard just won't stop running. What am I going to do with Claire? Here's the thing, I can't compete with how funny Calvin consistently is in his blog posts... so today I'm going to just jot down some serious, not-so-manly thoughts on Claire and my current chick turmoil.

Claire sent me a text last night, "Where have you been?" It's not so much that I have been avoiding her... I have just been eluding her. She started dating Adam. I like her, and I didn't do anything about it and now I am stuck with an effing hamster in my head. I am feeling tortured... let me see if I can elaborate.

For almost the last month Claire and I have been seeing each other everyday till Adam came along. We would sit in her apartment and talk late into the night about everything. I told her all my deep dark secrets, and she shared hers with me... even though they didn't really compare. Sometimes we would talk about music and TV shows. Other times we would talk about the scriptures and General Conference. Some nights we talked about love and family and all the things that are important to us in life.

I really like Claire. I worry that because of my post about our differing attitudes towards Sabbath observance that some readers might think she isn't amazing. She is amazing. Even amazing people can be a little self righteous sometimes. I'm not perfect so she needn't be. I feel like there is this connection. I think about marriage and eternal family all the time. I am looking for someone who I can talk to and want to spend so much time with.

I look back over the last year since I got back from my mission and realize that I felt a similar connection with Andrea (which I screwed up) and Sanders (which I screwed up). The only difference here that I can see is that, so far, I haven't "got" Claire. I recognize it's all my fault, I never even tried. Now I think anything I do will look insincere, forced, and that she'll just brush me off because she doesn't feel the same. I am tormenting myself.

I'm trying to look at my options logically.

A) I can just go to her and tell her how I feel. That would be the "movie" thing to do... but what about Adam? He's a really cool guy. He sees the same sweet, sexy, awesomeness that I see in Claire. I wouldn't want some DB coming up to a girl I'm dating and confessing his undying love... besides, it's not like it's undying... or, love. What happens when she says okay, Adam hates me and then we date for a month and after I "got" her, my intensity fades and I blow it like I did with Andrea and Sanders? No I don't like this option, it breaks the Golden Rule in too many different ways.

B) I can just try and continue cultivating the friendship that we started. Set aside my feelings until either she marries Adam or they break up. I can't honestly say however that I could put my feelings aside. I would no doubt shroud my feelings in a guise of friendship that seethed with ulterior motives. That just seems like a more cowardly version of option A, so I don't like that.

C) I can walk away and try to just meet someone else. I would have to walk away to do this because every time I am with her I go crazy. Every time I know I am going to see her I analyze my actions and what they are "saying" to the point of insanity. I wish I could just be happy for her and Adam, but I'm not. I'm jealous. I'm covetous. I can't be around her until I find another crush of greater or equal value... or until my feelings for her fade. It seems that this is the better and only real option I have.

I text her back, "I've just been busy."
She texts, "I miss our talks. I need one of our talks."
JAKE: "Yeah, lets get together one of these nights."
CLAIRE: "What about tonight?"
JAKE: "What about Adam?"
CLAIRE: "What about him? He knows that we're friends."
JAKE: "I would think it was a little weird if I were him."
CLAIRE: "Don't worry about it. He thinks you're awesome."
JAKE: "I am awesome."
CLAIRE: "You are... so talkie?"

I thought about my date last Friday night with Vanessa. She was cute but she wasn't for me. A little to ditsy. At dinner, Calvin was telling a joke to the group. Calvin is saying, "A guy is standing outside a bar and he sees his friend walking up the street all drunk and swaying. Just then a Nun walks by and as she passes the drunk, without provocation he gives the Nun a crazy insane Wii boxing upper cut so hard he must have shattered her nose into a thousand pieces, then before she falls backwards to the ground he gives her 3 or 4 swift punches to the kidneys, another right hook to the face, she falls to the ground and he drops his elbow into her esophagus, and then the drunk starts kicking her while she's on the ground. Then..." Vanessa interrupts and says, "Is this the Batman joke?" with a kind of a disgusted look on her face.

Calvin was stunned. The whole table sat there hanging on his next words. He sat there and looked at her with his jaw dropped. "Really?" he said frustrated. "Really? Did you really just ask the punch line a second before I was about to deliver it?" Vanessa didn't look guilty or apologetic. It was as though she couldn't see how she just destroyed Calvin's night. She said, "I heard it before it's not that funny, I think it's gross." Calvin's date begged him to continue but he didn't want to... the joke had been ruined. Calvin finally, defeated said, "Yeah, so the drunk was kicking the nun while she was on the ground and when his friend got their to pull him off her the drunk says, 'Not so tough are you, Batman." The table laughed but it was all courtesy. On the drive home Vanessa proceeded to defend herself and talk about how my best friend was too sensitive. I sided with Calvin. It sucked and the whole date I just thought, I wish Vanessa was Claire.

So I text Claire back, "I'll be over in 20."
She replied, "Yay!"

I got there and we talked. It was great. I avoided talking about Adam too much, and Claire did her thing where she made me feel like the most important most special person in the world. So, I threw logic out the window... but, just that once. I still think I need to implement option C and just walk away.

But Claire would never ruin one of Calvin' jokes... I'm screwed aren't I?


Thursday, April 15, 2010


I've heard this word more in the last couple of months than I ever have in my life. I'll be honest. I had to look it up the first time it was used in a comment on our blog. Up until I accessed, whenever I heard the word I would think, "What is a Nist... and why does everyone want to massage it so badly?" I thought about dedicating an entire post to addressing each individual concern that was brought up after my Calvin's Deal Breakers post (and I still might), but I decided instead to just make fun of everyone who used the word "misogynist" to describe Jake and I.

When I had to give my first talk in Sacrament Meeting when I was nine years old, I remember my dad telling me that a lot of people read definitions from the dictionary as part of their talk. He suggested it might be a good idea and it would burn seconds from my talk that I wouldn't have to fill with meaningful material. I considered it, but ultimately decided against it. At the age of nine I remember feeling like reading a definition from a dictionary seemed so juvenile. Now, I chuckle to myself when I see my peers reading definitions at the pulpit. Really, guys? You think I actually care what Merriam Webster says about the word "testimony"? C'mon! Put a little thought into your talk for goodness sake.

I'm going against my own sound judgment right now, but I really have no choice. I've looked a lot of places for a definition of "misogynist" that actually describes me or anything I've typed. Some of you might think you actually know the definition... which would explain your ignorance in using the word so frequently. "Hatred, dislike, or mistrust of women". That's the definition. Everyone who thinks our blog is embracing, condoning, or encouraging misogynist ideals is an idiot. The only time a misogynist thought has ever even entered my head was when I was reading through the blog comments. I can't even tell you how often I whispered to myself, "How can people be so stupid?"

I found my answer to that question. People just like to be offended. People look for reasons to be pissed. For example, I could have typed a three paragraph disclaimer and then typed the following sentence: Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. Followed immediately by another paragraph explanation of what that sentence means. But still the majority of people would conveniently skip everything except that one single sentence. And because their defenses are up and they're looking for a reason to be offended, they probably wouldn't notice or even care that the bold sentence is a direct quote from The Family: A Proclamation to the World.

Sure, everyone wants to expound on what they think this sentence means. They want to say, "Oh but what about [blah blah blah]" or "But you skipped the part where it says [blah blah blah]". But I ask you, does any additional explanation or background make that sentence any less true? No it does not. It might help others to understand more fully what our church leaders are trying to say, but the sentence BY ITSELF is still true no matter how much detail you pack around it.
Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.

Are there exceptions to this rule? Of course there are. But when God commanded "Thou shalt not kill" he also made a few exceptions to that rule as well, didn't He? "Thou shalt not kill... unless you're defending your family... or maybe if I ask you to lop someone's head off or something."

What saddens me the most
is the alarming number of women who think they are an exception to this counsel. They have chosen to live a lifestyle that requires two incomes and they use their current financial situation as an excuse to give their children to a babysitter or daycare center all day long. "Well, I have to work in order to provide for my family." Oh really? Do you have cable? Do you drive new(er) vehicles? Do you buy name-brand cereal? Guess what, sister? Being home with your kids is more important than having the Disney Channel and a flat screen TV. And it ALWAYS WILL BE. How about you move into a cheaper house, sell one of your cars, buy a bus pass, and shop at Deseret Industries so you can raise your own children and not ditch them with someone else.

I'm not going to bother going through all of the exceptions to the Church's policy. I hope things like "single mothers" and "disabled fathers" are situations I don't need to delve into. But I'm sure there will be some morons who try to make that argument in their comment.

So feel free to leave a three paragraph comment (that we actually DO read) and tell me how wrong I am and how right you are. Please. I can't wait.


"You were not created to be the same as men. Your natural attributes, affections, and personalities are entirely different from these of a man. They consist of faithfulness, benevolence, kindness, and charity. They also balance the more aggressive and competitive nature of man. The business world is competitive and sometimes ruthless. We do not doubt that women have both the brain power and the skills to compete with men. But by competing they must of necessity, become aggressive and competitive. Thus their godly attributes are diminished and they acquire a quality of sameness with man. The conventional wisdom of the day would have you be equal with men. We say, we would not have you descend to that level."
-President Ezra Taft Benson

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Brigham The Cannibal

I've been debating for a couple of days if I should tell this story. I decided that since this entire tale stems from an honest mistake on my part, I could tell it without feeling guilty. I mean, everyone makes mistakes. Everyone forgets things. Everyone has forgotten to feed a goldfish and woken up to see their fish belly-up. It's a part of life, right?

So remember a while back, I purchased a pet mouse on a whim? Remember how I didn't just stop at buying one mouse, but I wanted to make it into a funny joke so I bought my male mouse, Brigham, three mouse wives he could enjoy? Well, if you remember the end of the story, then you recall the cage started to stink so I moved Brigham and his family out to the garage. Unfortunately, that's not where Brigham's story ends. That's where it begins.

See, I haven't thought about Brigham for several months. I'm not sure how or why. He just slipped my mind. Nobody really went out to the garage during the winter. So Brigham and his concubines have been on a table behind a Tombstone movie poster for the entire winter.

If somebody had asked me last week what would happen to four mice left unattended in a cage for four months, I probably would have said, "They'd die, of course, cause they wouldn't have any water." Well, I guess water isn't a requirement during the colder months. When I got home from work the other day, Jake was giddy with excitement. He said to me, "Calvin... you have to come see this." I followed Jake out to the garage. As we entered, Jake motioned to the table near the back of the garage with a huge smile on his face. At first, I wasn't sure what he was motioning to. Then I saw the cage. I still didn't think about Brigham until I saw the movement. The closest thing I can compare it to is that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones looks down into that pit and the guy with him says, "Why does the ground move?" Then Indy drops the torch down into the pit and sees the floor completely covered in snakes. He rolls onto his back, looks up at the sky and says, "Snakes! Why does it have to be snakes?"

That's what it looked like. Not snakes. I just mean the movement. The tank was about 1/3 of the way full of a black, white, tan, brown, and beige moving mass. Jake started laughing as I walked slowly toward the tank. There were at least 100 mice in the tank literally crawling all over each other. Some babies were scattered around, but most of them were adults. At least three to four inches at the bottom of the tank was mouse pee and poo. It was honestly the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life. I noticed a couple scraps of paper inside the tank. I asked, "What's that?" Jake replied, "I popped a bag of popcorn and dropped the whole bag in there about 5 minutes ago. That's all that's left." It was the craziest thing I've ever seen.

The best way to conclude this post is to answer the questions you're probably dying to ask right now. So here you go.

So how did the mice live for four months without food or water?

The only thing I can think is that they survived by eating the babies and maybe the mice that die from some other reason like getting trampled or starvation.

How can four mice turn into over 100 in just four months?

I asked the same question. Apparently mice are only pregnant for 20 days and have between 2 to 10 babies. They can then get impregnated in 24 hours. So, if each of the three females had a litter of 5 babies every 20 days, that would be 6 liters (or 30 mice) for each of the three females... totaling 90 mice in four months. But then you have to consider that each baby (that isn't devoured) will be able to reproduce at four weeks of age. I don't even know how many mice that makes, but it's a lot.

So wait, Calvin. Based on the numbers in your last answer, there should be, like, a thousand mice in that cage. It should be over-flowing with the little critters.

That's true. And even though that wasn't an actual question, I'll address it anyway. Like I said, the mice had to eat. I can only assume the vast majority of the babies never made it to adulthood cause they were getting eaten by the rest of the mice. I think they were probably half eaten by the time they exited their mother's womb. But that can't be confirmed.

So in closing, I'm not proud of the miserable existence these mice have suffered at the hands of their neglectful owner. I'll make sure the mice are able to live out their lives in the most pleasant of environments. Just as soon as I'm brave enough to lift up the cage.


Monday, April 12, 2010

Claire-ify vs Justify

On Saturday night a big group of us went down to Provo for some girls birthday party. She was Claire's friend and Claire promised that there would be lots of fresh tail there for us to chase. Of course I should have known that a cute girl having a birthday party is like when the Elders Quorum decides to go paint-balling... lots of dudes all on the prowl, ready to shoot other dudes in the back.

I hung around Claire and Stephanie most of the night. They said they weren't too fond of Zoobies anyway.

Around 11:30, Claire says she needs to run to the store and asks if I want to come. I say yes of course and figure I might be able to see if she knows what everyone-else-I-talk-to-about-her-besides-her-thinks-she-knows, which I am still too chicken to just admit. On the way, she is explaining what she needs to buy for something that she was cooking the next day. I started wondering at what point I was going to get invited when Claire starts explaining how she was nervous that she wouldn't be able to find some certain spice brand that she had only been able to find at the Smiths in Murray.

I reminded her that it was open 24 hours and that we could stop by on the way home. She gave me a disappointed look and said in her disappointed voice, "We'll never make it by midnight, Jake." I looked at the clock in the car and it was 11:37pm. It suddenly dawned on me that Claire wanted to go to the store right now so that she could avoid breaking the Sabbath.

As much as I like Claire, we don't see eye to eye on everything. I usually just let what I feel to be self-righteousness go, but for some reason I decided this would be a good one to discuss.

I asked, "What are you going to do if we don't make it in time?" She looked at me, "Have a prayer in your heart, Jake. We can make it." I laughed and remembered when I was on my mission and my companion and I would bless the the grocery store as we drove by so that all of the food we bought from there would be blessed... just in case we got so incredibly hungry that we forgot (which happened frequently) to bless the food... I was about to tell Claire that story when she asked me, "Don't you think keeping the Sabbath Day holy is pretty serious?"

I replied, "Of course. I guess I've just always done it a little differently than you." She responded with, "I didn't know there was 'differently' when it came to commandments." I wanted to laugh... however, in past conversations where Claire and I talk about spiritual things, Claire will automatically dismiss my entire point of view no matter how valid, upon the basis that I am not taking the discussion seriously - as evidenced by my laughter. So I didn't laugh, I just said, "I have always considered the 'end of the day' to be the time that I go to bed and the 'beginning of the day' the time that I wake up. So if I go to bed at 2am Saturday night, that is still Saturday, not the Sabbath day."

Claire smiled, for once she was driving so I got to watch her reactions instead of our usual other way around. She said, "Sounds like justification." I replied, "No. I am very good at justification, and this is not it." She said, "You said, '2am Saturday night' but what day is that actually?" I answered, "Well, 2am is Sunday." She said, "Right and Sunday is the Sabbath Day, right?"

"I know what you're saying Claire. I'm not saying the way you have chosen to practice is wrong. I just wonder if you can see what I am saying." She said, "I know what you're saying Jake. I'm just telling you that sounds wrong to me." I asked, "Why?" She said, "Even the way you said it, '2am Saturday' instead of 2am Sunday and 'not the Sabbath day' even though... no matter what... Sunday is Sunday. You're changing it to suit you."

I grinned. 'Ah, semantics...' I thought, nice move Claire. I said, "I said it that way so you would understand what I was saying, not because I need 2am to be on a Saturday or a Sunday, either way it doesn't change a thing." She looked at me smugly. I explained further, "It's a matter of consistency. If I decide that the 'day' starts and stops when I wake and go to sleep, then that doesn't mean that on Sunday night at 12:01am that I can run out to the store and pick up some grapes because, to me, it is still the Sabbath Day."

She said, "Some of the best times are on Sunday nights at midnight. Denny's or Ice Cream at midnight." I said, "Well okay, but I feel like that would be trivializing my observance of the Sabbath day. More so than continuing my 'fun times' after midnight on Saturday." Claire smiled again, she looked at me like my teachers used to when they thought they knew better. She said, "You need to figure out how your talent for justifying can be used for good, or you need to hide it under a bushel."

I couldn't help it and I finally laughed. Claire honestly thought that I was just spinning the commandment the way that best suited me. I swear though, on a stack of Book of Mormons that I really think that the way I do it is completely legitimate. That one time, when I told my Greenie on my mission that playing Mario Brothers all day at a less-actives house was quality "Building Relationships of Trust" time, now, that was justifying.

Claire says, "So you're joking?" I said, "No Claire, I am not joking." Claire, "Why did you laugh?" I said, "Because for being one of my favorite people, I am astounded at how narrow your viewpoint is sometimes." She said, "Making fun of someone right after justifying sin? Nice one Alma the Younger."

I laughed again, "Sin?" She was getting irritated, but I didn't care. "Maybe its because you're so young -" She interrupted, "You're only 22, dork." I responded, "Yeah, well I guess it takes three years to learn." Claire seldom got mad at me, but she said, "Now you're just being a jerk."

I asked, "You think that because I have no problems shopping after midnight on Saturday until I go to sleep, but won't go out to eat after midnight on Sunday night that I am sinning? Should I give my Temple recommend back or what?" She didn't respond. I said, "I'm just saying that the Sabbath day is one of those things that you do the way it feels right."

We pulled into the parking lot of the Smiths in Provo. She said, "I think we need to agree to disagree and talk about something else." I said, "Agreed."

We walked into the Smiths and I couldn't believe my eyes... It was busier than a Saturday afternoon in that grocery store. Not just a regular Saturday afternoon, but a Saturday afternoon on a holiday where they might be giving away plasma TV's that vacuum your floor silently while cooking flapjacks. It was insane! Nearly every register was open and the lines were unbelievably long.

Claire smugly said, "Isn't it neat to see all these members of the Church trying to keep the Sabbath Day holy?"

I looked around in awe, I responded, "Yeah. Neat. ...I should start a Denny's that's only open at Midnight on Sunday, I'll make a fortune."

Perhaps I am the one bad Sabbath day observer in Mormondom... perhaps.


Saturday, April 10, 2010

First Giveaway

Jake and I have struggled with the idea of doing a "Giveaway". It seemed so gay and desperate. We've been approached by a few people recently asking us to do a giveaway on one of their products. It took some convincing. First of all, Jake and I wanted to know how a Giveaway would actually benefit us (selfish, I know). I mean, sure, we're plugging a business and pretty much telling everyone who reads our blog to patronize their service... but that seemed so one-sided. I mean, it's like those insects who lay eggs in the ears of bats. The eggs hatch and the bat loses it's hearing in that particular ear. That poor bat doesn't seem to get much from that relationship, does it? That's how we felt about the idea of "giveaways".

In addition, Jake and I have been the recipients of a significant amount of criticism lately. Our most convincing defense has always been, "But our primary objective is to entertain. Notice how we have no advertisements and we never do those lame 'giveaways'?" Well, Jake and I are now both enjoying a double serving of crow and it's super delicious.

Ultimately, we decided to give back to our wonderful readers, most of whom are females between the ages of 20 and 25. I've noticed recently on Twitter and Facebook that several of our "friends" (who simultaneously hate us) have mentioned the idea of buying a dress from Shabby Apple. As we all know, Shabby Apple is a return to what dresses were always meant to be - a one-piece outfit. No need to add anything... no tank tops, no cardigans, nothing (except accessories, of course!).

Enough beating around the bush. Jake and I decided on a beautiful dress to giveaway, all thanks to Shabby Apple, who are proud to offer you fantastic dresses that allow you to look fabulous, without having to compromise anything else. Ready to see the beauty we picked out for you to own... all to yourself? Can't you just imagine this gorgeous dress hanging in your closet, waiting for that special occasion? Maybe it's the date where you expect the guy you've been dating for two weeks to propose to you. Or maybe it's the special occasion when that "certain someone" invites you to go ice-blocking. It doesn't matter what you do with your prospective eternal companion, you'll look great doing it.

This dress is called Five to Nine and it was by far our favorite dress. I'll admit... Jake and I struggled to pick out the hottest dress instead of the hottest model. It was rough. In fact, we both starting laughing virtually at the same time when we looked at each other while perusing the website and saw each other clicking through the dresses with our thumb over the face of the model in the photos. We did our best to pick the awesomest dress, not necessarily the hottest model.

As luck would have it, however, this dress just happens to be wrapped around the hottest of the Shabby Apple models. Yowza! And seriously, the library backdrop screams "intellectual" which is such a turn on. The librarian fantasy is up there with Princess Leia or identical twins. These guys really know how to sell dresses.

Right about now you're probably asking yourself, "Calvin! Please tell me how I can win the most modest, yet sexy dress I've ever seen in my life." Before I tell you how to enter, let me explain a thing or two about the process.

Jake and I are very aware that a large number of our readers don't tell anyone that they read our blog. They either hate us or pretend to hate us and they don't want the world to know they read our blog. We understand that... so we don't care if you follow our blog. We don't want to embarrass you by telling you that you must follow our blog in order to win this dress. Plus, I have no doubt that a lot of you would promptly "unfollow" us as soon as the giveaway was over. So don't waste your time.

We'll be randomly drawing a winner from the comments. So you'll need to comment in order to win. However, the only way to officially enter to win this beautiful dress is to do one (or all) of the following:

1) Tweet about our blog and/or this giveaway... positive or negative, we don't care.*
2) Facebook about our blog and/or this giveaway, positive or negative, we don't care.*
3) Blog about our blog and/or this giveaway, positive or negative, we don't care.*

You'll need to comment separately for each one of these so we have a proper number of entries for each person. Keep in mind, we will check the validity of whichever comment is randomly chosen.

If leaving a comment on MBP would embarrass you too greatly, feel free to delete your comment(s) when the giveaway is complete. That way there will be no evidence that you read and enjoy our blog. We will be accepting entries until Thursday, April 15th, at midnight. The winner will be announced on the 17th.

As an additional bonus, Shabby Apple has agreed to give all of our readers a 10% discount for a limited time. So... if you can't wait for your spiritually attractive and Stake Conference approved Shabby Apple dress, then you can order it at a discounted price by using "bachelorpad10off" as your coupon code.

Good luck.


*Example of negative Tweet/FB/Blog: Apparently the douchebags at MBP have finally sold out and are doing a giveaway. What a bunch of desperate tools.

*Example of positive Tweet/FB/Blog: Not only is MBP full of the greatest nuggets of wisdom and truth since the BOM, now they're doing a sweet giveaway. I LOVE MBP!!!!

Additional Note: The coupon code is up and running (bachelorpad10off). We'll be randomly selecting the winner tonight at midnight. If we don't have a link to your tweet, blog or FB, we'll do our best to contact you so you can email us a link.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

What does "stupid is as stupid does" mean?

I ran into Daisy the other day at FHE, this was our first conversation since we smooched a couple weeks ago.

JAKE: Hey Daisy.
DAISY: Jake?
JAKE: How's it hanging?
DAISY: Good, how are you doing?
JAKE: Rock n roll I guess.
DAISY: That's good...
She was leaning against the back of a couch and leaned back and looked around as though trying to find someone to come save her. I tried to think of some way to make things more comfortable for her. I mean, I get it, and I didn't want to be "that guy" that she always has to walk on egg shells around.
JAKE: Yeah, so hey, I wanted to say thanks for the pity make-out the other night. I was freaking out because of my mad crush on Claire.
After it came out of my mouth I thought it might have been the very worst thing I could have said, ever. She looked at me a little shocked but kept her composure, and then, the corners of her mouth started to turn up just a little.
DAISY: Wow, Jake. Blunt much?
JAKE: I... yeah (I laughed) I figured the sooner it was said the quicker we could get on with being fast friends again.
Her mouth sat half open for a second as she studied me, she was still sort of smiling.
DAISY: Well. I just don't know what to say to that. What do I say to that?
She laughed and wiped under her eye like there was a tear there, but there was no tear. She folded her arms, straightened her legs and crossed them and leaned forward a little as though the next thing I would say might change her life.
JAKE: Ummm, you're supposed to say, "You're welcome Jake. Now how can I help you in your predacious situation with Claire?"
Daisy's smile got bigger, she stared at me like I was from another planet.
DAISY: Did you mean "precarious situation"?
JAKE: What did I say?
DAISY: "Predacious."
JAKE: The other one. Because I don't know what that means.
We both laughed.
DAISY: Well... you're welcome. (she laughed again awkwardly) Seriously you're too much. I can't help you with Claire but, yeah we're friends.
JAKE: You're kind of a player. You know... I think I could learn from your insights on this.
DAISY: Well Claire sorta hates me, because...
I was surprised she was still uncomfortable saying it.
JAKE: Because we hooked-up?
Daisy just nodded, and we ended up talking about the guy I saw her with on the sofa for a bit before we were interrupted.

Yesterday I was sitting at the counter-bar thingy in Claire's apartment talking to her and Wendy when Jen just walked in from across the hall.

JEN: Hey guys, wud up yo!
She always plays like she is a thug, not in like I'm-Eminem-and-really-think-that-I'm-a-balla sorta way, but more in a I'm-the-whitest-white-girl-on-Earth-which-is-why-you-should-laugh-when-I-talk-like-I'm-Snoop kinda way. I think it's very funny.
WENDY: Jake's telling us that if we wanted guaranteed make-out's, we should play video games with guys on dates.
CLAIRE: Yeah, except I don't want to date "gamer guys" so why would I hang out with one that would be impressed by that?
JAKE: Adam plays games. He's on xbox live like every time I log on.
Claire just smiled. After my talk with Daisy I had to assume that Claire at least heard I liked her.
WENDY: I played Zelda with a guy once and we did not make-out after.
JEN: Hmmm, well I am walking over to Sev. Anyone wanna come?
Wendy shook her head, and Claire said it was too cold.
JAKE: Yeah, I'll come with you. (to Wendy) Zelda is too epic, that's only for post marriage play...
No laughter? Hmm, I thought the joke spoke for itself, but they stared at me waiting for the punchline.
JAKE: You know because kissing isn't enough? Because when you're married you can do more than... kiss. Sex. Girls! I am talking about sex!
Wendy and Jen laughed with me but Claire stood there. Jen and I headed out.
CLAIRE: Not funny. (which she followed up with laughter)
Jen and I headed to 7/11.
JAKE: So, whats new lady? You got a man?
JEN: You say that like there's only one. (sarcastically) I can't even remember all their names.
JAKE: Oh. Nice. I'm glad you are getting out there so that you'll have sowed your wild oats by the time it's our turn.
JEN: Our turn to ride the... merry-go-round?
JAKE: Our turn for "the magic to happen". You know... between us?
Jen laughed nervously at first. I figured this was all jokes because that's all her and I ever did, but her demeanor made me nervous suddenly that she might actually think I was kind of serious. I was wrong.
JEN: I thought the magic already happened for us?
JAKE: It did? Was I asleep?
JEN: No. It just wasn't very magical for me so I moved on.
JAKE: Well... I didn't get to pick my wand.
Jen ignored my sexual innuendo as we walked into the store. While she was perusing the milk cooler she continued our conversation.
JEN: Besides, you're off limits.
I watched her read the nutrition information on a chocolate milk, she noticed and looked at me.
JEN: You made-out with Daisy.
JAKE: Oh, you saw that?
Jen lowered her head and looked at me like Ana Lucia from LOST looks at everyone all the time.
JEN: Funny.
JAKE: (Chuckle) Don't judge me, Jen.
JEN: No I don't care, you can make-out with whoever you want. I just doubt anyone in the Heights wants Daisy's trash.
JAKE: Whoa-oh, easy there. Trash?
JEN: Sucks too cause I know you like Claire.
JAKE: Daisy tell you that?
JEN: (Laughs, at me) No. It's obvious dude. (she points her box of Milk Duds at the cashier) Even this guy knows.
He nods in agreement.
JEN: The only person who probably doesn't know might be Claire.
I suddenly felt very small.
JEN: Claire might not know because her and Adam are doing their thing, but c'mon? Really? (she laughs, at me again) She wont touch you after Daisy, either. She's too wholesome.
I felt a little dumb, but wondered if Claire finding out would be a bad thing? I wanted to play it off like I didn't care to Jen and hopefully change the subject and stop the blatant mockery.
JAKE: I'm glad everyone thinks that. That way my true feelings for you will stay hidden from the public view.
Jen stopped and faced me. We were standing in the median of the street we were crossing. She put her free hand on my chest and I think she raised one foot. Then she pushed off me and spun around.
JEN: (rapping in her best Missy Elliot) I got the new Ferrari, shorty you ain’t got that.


Sunday, April 4, 2010


I've made a little headway with Mikaela. I skipped a couple of classes just before Spring Break and she's missed a few classes this last week, so our paths haven't crossed as often as I'd have hoped.

Just before Spring Break, we had to give oral presentations in front of the class as part of our midterm. Oral presentations are interesting for me. They give me an opportunity to be funny in front of the class, but I dread them. They're like talks in sacrament meeting. They scare the crud out of me. But somehow, simultaneously, I love to stand in front of a bunch of people and say borderline inappropriate things in order to make them laugh. I always think it's hilarious when I'm saying it, but when I'm reliving it later and I remember something I said... I also remember how nobody laughed and then I blush. Seriously, I'll be watching T.V. all by myself and I'll remember something I said three months earlier and I'll get embarrassed and start blushing. It suck so bad. I have to purposely put the memory out of my head so that the blood can go to other places in my body other than my freakin' ears and cheeks.

I've been late quite a bit to my Geography class. A couple of weeks ago, I came in late as usual and found a seat rather quickly. The teacher looks at me and she says, "Nice of you to make it to class, Calvin." I say, "Sorry. I kept getting lost." I felt my face starting to get red as three or four of my peers looked back at me. Then the teacher started to look back down at her notes, but then I saw her head jerk back up and stare at me again. Then she said, "Oh look. Calvin is a blusher." The other 20 or so students cranked their heads around so they could see "the blusher". Criminy. How embarrassing. I wanted to slash her tires. Luckily, that wasn't the class Mikaela is in. I'm only known as "the blusher" in that class now. I can be other things in my other classes.

Anyway, so as I prepared my midterm I felt like it had some pretty humorous nuggets strategically placed throughout the report. Even through my intense fear, I sensed a hint of excitement that Mikaela would be able to see me shine in front of the entire class. Unfortunately, Mikaela wasn't there on the day I gave my report. So I ended up presenting my report and surprising the whole class with how cool and funny I am... except nobody else mattered. Mikaela wasn't there so it was all a big fat waste.

This last Friday, though, Mikaela and I were both in class. It felt pretty good sitting next to her again. I didn't know what to say, though. I was out of funny. About halfway through class, I hear her say, "Psst." Then "hey". I hoped she was trying to get my attention, but I didn't want to be overly eager like when a hot girl waves from across the room and the guy eagerly waves back before he realizes she was waving at the hot guy behind him. So I just waited until she said my name. I figured that was a pretty safe bet.

Then I heard her say, "Psst, Kevin." A part of me hurt a little bit inside that she was trying to get Kevin's attention instead of mine... whoever Kevin was. Then I felt her tap my right ribcage. She was talking to me. I cranked around. "Hey, Mikaela. What's up?" She said, "Do you live around here? Like close to campus?" I reply, "No. Not really." She proceeded to ask me if I drive to school or take the bus. I told her that I try to avoid taking the bus after the time the gang of homeless guys stole my shoes and Bubblicious. Then Mikaela said, "Do you mind giving me a ride to work after this? Unless you have another class or something, then don't worry about it." I did have another class, but I told her that I was planning on skipping it anyway and I'd love to take her to work.

I thought about a couple of things during the last 20 minutes of class. First I thought about what we were gonna talk about for the walk to my truck followed by the drive to her work. I thought about taking a few quick notes about topics of conversation. I wished Jake was there as my wing-man. I always do better when Jake is around. Then I thought about the type of person that asks a (almost complete) stranger for a ride somewhere. She has no idea if I'm a rapist or if I plan on slipping a roofie into her Powerade while she's putting her backpack behind her seat. Then I thought, "She thinks my name is 'Kevin'. Hasn't she called me by my real name before? I don't remember. If she thinks my name is 'Kevin', that is something I need to remedy as quickly as possible."

After class ended we started walking to my truck. In Single's Wards you meet a lot of new people all the time. There are a lot of introductions, a lot of new names, and a lot of forgotten names. I've been in a lot of situations where I'm fairly certain that a girl I'm interested in has forgotten my name. The last thing I wanted to do is let her call me the wrong name too many times until someone else corrects her or embarrass her by saying, "What did you call me? Oh, my. That's not even close to my real name." So I've devised a little strategy that works perfectly, and I decided to use it on Mikaela.

I didn't know how certain she was that she knew my name. She may have only thought that 'Kevin' was my name so she took a chance. I've done that before. My strategy is to wait for an opportunity to tell a story, real or fake, and make sure I say my name as many times in that story as possible and make it clear what my name is. Sure enough, Mikaela asked, "Is this your truck, right here?" This was my opportunity.

"Yeah. This is it. It used to be my brother's but when he left on his mission he told me, 'Calvin, I'll just let you take over the payments on this truck, ok, Calvin?' and I was, like, 'That sounds great.' Then my mom said, 'Calvin, don't forget to get gas when it hits a quarter tank. You don't want to run out of gas, Calvin.' Then I said, 'I got it, Mom. Thanks.' Then she said, 'You're welcome, Calvin. I love you, Calvin.'"

As I told that completely fictitious and boring story, I tried to see if Mikaela was absorbing what I was saying. I think she got it cause when I dropped her off at Lens Crafters 10 minutes later, she said, "Thanks for the ride, Calvin. I owe you one." Actually, Mikaela, you owe me a couple.