Saturday, May 30, 2009

Supp - MBP Glossary

We at MBP promise to do our best to keep this list updated, accurate, and humorous... if at all possible. If you'd like a Mormon term or phrase defined, please leave a comment and tell us what you would like defined.

Also, any other LDS folk who feel like maybe the MBP definition is lacking in some way, feel free to expound in the comment section. If we like your addition, we may add portions of it to our own definition. If we don't, then we won't. Thanks.

Bishop - an office in the Priesthood where the person called presides over a Ward. The calling of Bishop is an awesome responsibility one that not many people would aspire to. Bishops cannot try-out, run, or apply for this office. The also do it completely voluntarily and they receive no compensation or income for doing it. Basically they agree when accepting the calling to be the ecclesiastical leader for 200-400 members, while still having a family and job. This is a total guess but most Bishops easily spend 40+ hours Bishoping. Listing all the duties of a Bishop would be quite a feat. Basically Bishops are responsible for all functions of the ward. They spend their time meeting with and interviewing members determining their worthiness to do all the things Mormon's do. i.e. callings, ordinances, priesthood, etc. Mormons believe that Bishops are given the gift of discernment and that the receive revelation in regards to their congregations. Bishops are by no means infallible, they are men with all of the same temptations and weaknesses anyone else has. For the most part they are pretty likable guys. Good Bishops are excellent at compassion, understanding and sleeping on the stand without bobbing their heads.

The Brethren - This is Mormon slang used to describe the 15 men who lead the Church. The Prophet his two Counselors and the Twelve Apostles. It seems most often to be used by Seminary Teachers and people that are making comments in Church that really want to impress people. "Well you know "the Brethren" have taught..." Yeah, like you know them. Hmph! Oh wait... I guess I just used it or you wouldn't have read this link. I don't know them either. I just used it because... oh nevermind.

Disfellowshipped - Sometimes, leaders of the Mormon church decide a member should be disfellowshipped if the member has engaged in serious enough transgressions to warrant it. While disfellowshipped, the member is told not to partake of the sacrament, not to participate in classes and also to not pray publicly... like in church meetings. The disfellowshipment is typically one year, but the length is ultimately determined by the bishop. This is good information to know... mostly so if a teacher calls on you to say the closing prayer, all you have to do is say "I'd love to but I'm disfellowshipped, so I can't. Sorry. Ask me in about 8 months." You won't get called on to pray again, but you also may have a harder time getting dates.

DTR - DEFINING THE RELATIONSHIP. That dreaded talk between couples most often initiated by girls, almost always dreaded by guys - even if they really like her. Usually starts out with something terrible sounding like, "So... what are we exactly..." ooooh I just got the shivers. Scary.

Excommunicated (Ex'd) - This is much more serious than disfellowshipment. Being excommunicated is a more complicated process which involves church leadership further up the chain of command. It involves an interview with a panel of church leaders, after which they prayerfully discuss your transgressions while you sit outside the office, sweating bullets. I don't have a list of sins that qualify for excommunication, but it's pretty much the worst of the worst. Whether a person is excommunicated also has a lot to do with how repentant and remorseful they feel about their actions. If they have a careless attitude and say stuff like, "I did it and I'll probably do it again..." then the odds of excommunication go up significantly. Once ex'd, a member can not rejoin the church for at least 12 months. Rejoining the church also requires the greenlight from church leadership. If the member gets the greenlight, they can then be rebaptized and get a fresh start.

Fast Sunday - The first Sunday of every month is reserved as Fast Sunday in the Mormon church. Members typically fast for 24 hours, beginning Saturday night. Some members skip 2 meals while others claim we're supposed to be skipping 3 meals. My argument? Well, if you eat dinner on Saturday night at 7pm and then begin fasting, then wouldn't 24 hours end on Sunday night at around 7pm? At that point you can close your fast and eat dinner. So technically, you've fasted for 24 hours and only skipped breakfast and lunch. C'mon, Mormons. It's not rocket science. We believe that refraining from food and drink for 24 hours helps bring us closer to the Spirit and more receptive to whisperings of the Spirit as well as personal revelation. Like, for example, beginning a fast with a prayer asking God whether or not you should propose to your girlfriend. Throughout the fast, the prayers continue and (hopefully) by the end of the 24 hour fast, the individual has received an answer to his prayer.

FHE - Stands for Family Home Evening. Mormons are encouraged to take Monday night off of everything else, and spend that night with their family. Lots of time there is a lesson or spiritual thought involved, but sometimes it's just fun and games. In this blog the term is most likely referring to the "Singles Ward Family Home Evening." Since it is assumed that for the most part singles wards are comprised of students, most living away from home, singles wards will have a FHE activity planned every Monday night. Most often it includes volley ball, brownies and flirting... lots of flirting.

Greenie - New missionaries are referred to as "Greenies", because they're new... or "green". I think it has something to do with the insides of young tree branches being green or something. It also has something to do with St. Patricks Day and leprechauns... since leprechauns are small, like a child or a newborn baby... kinda like a new missionary.

Home Teacher - Home Teaching is a program in the Church where Priesthood holders visit members of their Ward once a month. Home Teachers are put into companionship's and assigned families to visit. It generally involves a monthly spiritual message and just getting to know each other. Because its voluntary like everything in the Church, Home Teaching doesn't always get done. Some families can't be bothered to make time for their Home Teachers either. However, it's a pretty good set up, and gives members the opportunity to get to know each other very well and have someone to call if they need anything, a blessing, someone to talk to, a little help with their yard work or moving large pieces of furniture. In Singles Wards it always nice to get assigned to teach the hot girls in the ward. This tactic is sometimes implemented for guys who don't do their home teaching very often.

Judgement - Surprisingly this one is very self explanatory. You are Judged for the choices you made while on Earth. The most paramount of which is, whether or not you accepted Jesus as your savior by following him to the best of your ability. The exciting part about this is the "bright recollection of all your guilt" where we will likely remember everything! That way, I can finally prove to Calvin that I was right about all those disagreements we've had that are impossible to prove in this life.

LDS - an acronym for "Latter-Day Saint". Again, another nickname for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Mission - Our Church believes in proselyting. Our Church has challenged every able-bodied young man to serve a two year proselyting mission when he turns 19. Women can serve missions if they choose to, as well. It is completely voluntary and each missionary must pay their own way. It is all very organized, and when one submits to serve a mission they are "called" to a specific area. There are 50,000+ missionaries in almost every city in the world. Missionaries live by a stricter set of rules while on a mission so it can be kind of a trip meeting with young adults who choose to do what they do. If you would like to meet the missionaries in your area (anywhere in the world) send us an email and we will set it up.

Mormon - a nickname for members of our religion. You would find out more about our religion on Wikipedia under its actual name "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints." The nickname comes from a book that we, in our faith, believe to be scripture much like the Bible. It was a compilation of writings by a man whose name was Mormon, though some non-members think that Mormon, himself, (or maybe Joseph Smith) authored the book. Thus it is called The Book of Mormon. Christian faiths that only believe in the Bible nicknamed us the Mormons (thinking that we worshiped Mormon) when in reality we worship Jesus Christ. Mormon is just a prophet comparable to Peter, James, and John in the Bible. Some Mormon's don't like the nickname, but most (like us) don't care.

MTC - stands for Missionary Training Center. The "main" MTC is in Provo, but there are several scattered in countries around the world. The MTC is a place where missionaries go for 3 weeks to 3 months, depending on where they will be serving and whether they need to learn to speak a foreign language. The MTC instructors teach gospel oriented lessons as well as teaching the missionaries how to teach. Missionaries may also be subject to a 2 to 3 month crash course in the language they'll be speaking. Ireland speaks English... technically... so our stay at the MTC was relatively short. Though I can't help but think it would have been nice to have instructors teaching us more about the accent and culture... which they did not.

NCMO - Phew, finally one that isn't religious. NCMO is an acronym which stands for Non Committal Make Out. Pronounced Nick-mo. A true NCMO means both parties are just kissing for fun without attaching any level of commitment to that kiss. More often than not, though, it is a one-sided deal and can cause a lot of problems.

Outer Darkness - In layman's terms Outer Darkness is Hell. A place that the very worst of Gods children are outcast to. We believe only those people who receive the Holy Ghost and have the heavens opened to them and KNOW God, and then, with that perfect knowledge, still choose to sin against God are sent there. They are called "Son's of Perdition" or one's who commit the unpardonable sin. Interestingly enough for Mormon's you pretty much would have to be a Mormon before you could become a "Son of Perdition" this means most bad folks get off pretty easy. Most likely more people make it on to CBS's "Survivor" than make it to OD.

P-Day (Preparation Day) (Including P-Day attire) - Missionaries wear their Sunday best 6.5 days out of the week. However, on Monday's (day may vary depending on the mission) the missionaries are allowed to wear "p-day" clothes which are, basically, everyday clothes... like a t-shirt and levi's or something of that nature. Preparation Days are a time set aside for missionaries to shop, do laundry, write letters to as many girls back home as they can, and other types of approved activities. (Some Elders participate in something called "p-day eve" which is not endorsed by mission presidents anywhere, that I know of. This is when missionaries give themselves a few p-day hours the night before their usual p-day. In Ireland, p-day eve consisted of playing a board game as a group or maybe just getting a head start on the letter writing. P-Day Eve may be considered a slight violation of mission rules.)

Plan of Salvation - An excellent less boring example of how the plan of salvation works can be found at this LINK. The plan that we believe answers the where, when, and why of life. First, all of God's children lived together in PREMORTAL EXISTENCE (aka pre-earth life) at that time we were all spirits without body's. God held a council and explained to his children that they needed bodies and that they needed to learn how to use those bodies and to learn and to grow. He expounded his PLAN that would allow us to gain a body and learn from our mistakes, one which required a redeemer. There were two volunteers Jesus and Satan. Satan said he would do it, but that mankind would have no agency to choose, that he would force us them to do right so that we would all return to live with God. This was contrary to God's plan, Jesus said he would do it and do it as proposed by God, saying simply, "Thy will be done." Satan disagreed so strongly that a war ensued and Satan was cast out for rebellion. One third of the spirits followed Satan and were cast out with him. After Satan's expulsion the Plan was implemented. Every part of God's plan was just that, part of the Plan. The CREATION was the first part of the plan. God created Earth for us to obtain our bodies and live our lives. Adam and Eve finding themselves on Earth with bodies needed opposition in order to grow. Their choice is referred to as The FALL. Choosing to experience life through trial and error, thereby enabling them to learn and grow, and to become who God knows they can become. Because of The Fall we all make mistakes and commit sin, so as explained to us in the first council there was need for a Redeemer who is Jesus Christ. The redeemers role in our lives is of most importance and makes up The ATONEMENT. The Atonement allows both justice and mercy to exist so we can be forgiven for our mistakes and poor choices and return to live with God. When we die our spirits leave our bodies back on Earth and go to The SPIRIT WORLD. The Spirit World is a place that spirits dwell between death and resurrection. Jesus Christ went there between his death and resurrection to teach those spirits who had not accepted his gospel or been given the chance to do so. Mormons believe that the spirit world is a place to continue growing and learning. Where a lot of teaching will be happening. When the time is right there will be a JUDGMENT. Each and every spirit that made the trip to Earth will have their spirit reunited with their body during the RESURRECTION and Judged for their choices. Christs Atonement if utilized will make up for the mistakes people have made and God will Judge us as only a perfect being can, and determine where we will end up or our degree of Glory. Rather then believing in one heaven and one hell Mormons believe there are THREE KINGDOMS in which we will live for eternity. The TELESTIAL KINGDOM is the lowest of the three Kingdoms, it is described as having many degrees of glory. Though the Telestial Kingdom is the lowest it is described as surpassing all understanding. The TERRESTRIAL KINGDOM is the second or middle kingdom. The Three Kingdoms are compared by the Apostle Paul, in the New Testament, to the relative radiance of the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars. So if the Telestial surpasses understanding and it is like the light of the stars then The Terrestrial Kingdom, being compared to the Moon is much better. The CELESTIAL KINGDOM is the highest Kingdom and is the very same kingdom that God, Jesus, and all the Prophets and general religious super heros and good guys live... for-ev-errr. As with the other kingdoms there are many varying degrees of glory within each one. The Celestial Kingdom being the Sun in Paul's analogy is the best and Brightest. Living a lifestyle that is conducive with getting there is and should be every child of God's (aka every Human Beings) goal. (This is a very brief (yeah I know it doesn't seem brief) and basic outline of a very important and complex part of Mormon beliefs. If you are curious to know more or have have certain aspect expounded on, a much better explanation can be given by missionaries near you, email us and we'll send them your way.)

Priesthood - Depending on context this term can have a few different meanings in the church. First and foremost it is the power of God and is the authority to act in the name of Jesus Christ. Secondly, it is used to describe the right and responsibility to preside in the Church when called. Sometimes, Priesthood refers to the male membership as a whole. Some callings in the Church require the person has the priesthood and some calling do not. The Priesthood is given to worthy members by other members of the Priesthood, however the authority and Power are given from God. The priesthood is a blessing and a responsibility. Living contrary to the example and teachings of Jesus Christ negates the blessings and abilities holding the priesthood offers.

RM - an acronym for Returned Missionary. It's commonly used to describe missionaries after they return home (honorably) from their mission. Missionaries who are sent home from their missions because of rule-violations are referred to as Apostates, Slackers, or Lance.

Snog - a term that we picked up while in Ireland. Snog is frequently used slang in the whole of the United Kingdom. Snog means very simply to kiss, but not just any kiss, more specifically to make-out. Even more specifically than that, snog means two people participate in vigorous, lengthy, horizontal, uninterrupted, gentle, face-caressing, passionate kissing. Not sure of the Etymology, but I'm guessing it comes from the same roots as "snug" (meaning to lie close) which is sort of a requirement for a good snog. This is what snog looks like in a sentence: I have thought of nothing all day except how fun it would be and how I can best convince Bekah Buttons to gissa snog because we at MBP really really love Bekah Buttons.

Sommit - A slang term for "something." Pronounced some-mitt, but said very quickly. Used in all area's of our Mission in Ireland. I have heard it used in movies from England and Scotland so I assume it's slang across the United Kingdom.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Supplemental - Renee

Renee was in Jakes MTC district. Therefore she went to the same mission as Jake, Aaron, and Calvin. Calvin could say hi to her, but he never had a conversation with her. Aaron however was her Zone Leader on the mission for 3 months. In addition to that. Aaron and Renee flew home together. Aaron was out 6 month before Jake, and because Sisters served 18 months instead of 24 that put Renee and him going home at the same time.

Jake and Renee were great friends on the mission, and whenever their paths crossed they made a point of catching up and maybe even flirting just a little bit. Jake found out that Aaron and Renee had gone on a few dates. Jake knew Renee and aaaron had gone out a bunch. Jake assumed, with what he know of Aarons reputation that he should just wrote Renee off. Then he found out from Aaron that tgey had never even kissed. She would keep shooting him down saying she wasn't ready for that yet.

Curious, Jake started talking to her, and attempting to resume flirtations... but age lives in Cedar City so he's never made a bog effort.

Supplemental - Lisa Sanders

Introducing Sister Sanders... I met her on my mission. We served in the same Ward in a little burb of Dublin. No, we weren't companions, there was a set of Elders and a set of Sisters both serving in that Ward. Almost every night the four of us would end up at the same members house for tea appointments. This went on for the full three months that I served there. It was sort of like going on dates. I mean, if I asked you what a meal, conversation, some subtle (and very slightly inappropriate) flirting during afters sounded like? You would probably say "a date" right?During the three months we were there we became really good friends and were very close. Nothing inappropriate ever happened (except once without thinking I put my hand on the small of her back as we passed through a doorway - and I consequently felt her turn to stone with shock, to which I flung my hand away smacking my companion behind me. It honestly was 100% accidental and resulted in all 4 of us bursting into laughter)

Unfortunately our comfortable rapport seemed to some members of our ward to be way too comfortable. So, of course one of those nosy, judgmental, crazy members (I'm sure we all know one or two - like some of the anonymous commentors on this blog) took it upon themselves to go to our Mission President and tell him that, Sister Sanders and I, were dating. Apparently, the nark did specifically use the word "dating." Which was absolutely a bald faced lie.The mission President pulled us into his office and confronted us, separately. I laughed off the accusation, but Sanders took it pretty hard. I remember sitting in the lobby and seeing her walk out her face flushed red and her eyes swollen with tears. It sucked. Even though I'm sure he believed us, our President transferred us both to area's on different sides of the mission and I never saw her again until last week, when she invited me to the Jazz/Spurs game.

Sister Sanders first name is Lisa, but on the mish you pretty much refer to everyone by their last name, so I just call her Sanders. (I still have a hard time using Aaron and Calvin's first names for the same reason) I've always thought Sanders is good looking. She is tall, 5' 10". She has shoulder length wavy dirty blond hair, her eyes are a real-light blue, like the wrapping paper on Kirkland bath tissue that you get at Costco. On our mission Sanders was one of only three Sisters that I thought were cute. She is also wicked awesome. Sanders is a perfect example of a girl who on the LOS is a 6 or 6.5 but she is so cool and has such a winning personality that it bumps her to a 9 on the OS.

Supplemental - N.O.T.I

  1. Unpassionate kissing: Including pecks, tongueless kisses, butterfly kisses, Eskimo kisses, hand holding, knee touching, finger intertwining, kissing the hand.
  2. Passionate Kissing: Slipping the tongue, Incorporating gentle hand movements, making soft whimper sounds.
  3. Vertical Make-out: Basically #2 for an extended period of time and involving a little bit more strategy.
  4. Horizontal Make-out: This is #3 while lying down next to each other or on top of each other.
  5. Necking: Also includes hickeys and all kissing of non-private body parts. Kissing the stomach, back, shoulders, legs, neck, collar bone, and toe and finger sucking.
  6. Light Petting: This mostly refers to boob grabbing over the clothes, however we are throwing in doing #'s 2, 3, & 4 while only wearing underwear. Also rubbing the upper-inner-thigh over the clothes.
  7. Dry Humping: Also called, Levi Loving, The Provo Push, and Grinding. Over the clothes genital to genital stimulation, generally to orgasm for one or both parties, though the latter is not required to qualify.
  8. Heavy Petting: Includes, over and under the clothes touching of the genitals, bare boob grabbing, and kissing of private body parts.
  9. Oral Sex: If this needs a definition you are too young to be reading this post.
  10. Intercourse: If it's in, it falls under this category.

Supplemental - Marie

October 14, 2009

So all of the roommates went to see Zombieland on Monday night.


Well, as I'm walking out of the theatre I pass a group of girls who are on their way in to see Zombieland. They're all pretty cute, but I notice one girl with dark hair (Brunette) who appears to really be checking me out.


She and I make eye contact again and then she looks at her friends.


Then Jake leaned over and whispered "While you were gone, that brunette was telling her roommates how sexy you were."


All of my roommates were telling me to just go down and talk to her.


"I've never done this before and I'm sure that sounds lame, but my friends could tell I was checking you out and it appeared to them that maybe you were looking at me as well. Well, really I decided that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I let you walk out of here without me talking to you and maybe getting your phone number or something so we can hang out or go on a date sometime."


I heard someone say, "Nice!". I turned around and saw all of my roommates standing just outside the theatre door like a bunch of idiots. But I got her number.

December 12, 2009

I was looking through my phone and I noticed "Marie Theatre" saved in there. It took me a few seconds to figure out who that was.


I'll look like a jackass if I call her now...


Maybe next weekend.

December 16, 2009

I fought through my nauseousness and called Marie last night.


C: Calvin Lynn Marler. I'm sorry, M-A. I feel kind of stupid. I was deleting a bunch of phone numbers out of my phone last night and I saw your phone number saved under the name "Really Hot Movie Theatre Girl Ma-" and then it cut off. I think my phone only holds a certain number of characters or something so I only was able to get the first two letters of your name. I didn't realize it until now.


I told her I'd call her on Friday to confirm the details for our Saturday date. She told me she still lives at home. What the crap? I'm almost 22 and I still have to meet the parents of girls I date?

December 20, 2009

She was in no hurry to go home and we ended up in my basement watching The Indian in the Cupboard. I know what you're thinking. "What? Seriously? The Indian in the Cupboard?" Well, I gave her a dozen choices and that's the one she chose. When I rolled my eyes at her choice, she said, "How much of it are we really going to be watching anyway?" True, Marie. True.


It worked beautifully. We ended up making out for most of the movie, including the end credits. The only reason we stopped is because the opening menu on the DVD has really irritating music that repeats over and over and over. Ugh. I hate that .


When I took her home, she insisted on having our doorstep scene in my truck... about two blocks away from her house. She claimed it had nothing to do with how late I was getting her home, but I'm pretty sure it was.

December 27, 2009

In the beginning I wasn't sure if she was going to turn into a NCMO, but she's pretty fun to be around. She's pretty short, but she has the perfect body type... at least for me. And she is an awesome kisser.


She sighed and said, "Nothing. I just can't believe how muscley your arms are." She was rubbing her hands down the backs of both of my upper arms.


The fact that Marie noticed was pretty awesome. It was pretty arousing to have a girl compliment me so sincerely on one of my physical attributes.

January 2, 2010

Marie was out of town this last weekend. Something about her cousins in Ogden. I was relieved when she told me she wouldn't be around. I mean... who wants to take a date to a New Year's Party, right (besides Jake)?

Supplemental - Becca

Becca is roommates with a girl that Lance makes out with every couple of weeks without every taking her out. Becca has been to the house a few times and Jake and her exchange texts occasionally. Jake intends on going out with her.

J: What you doing?
B: Not much, just sitting in class. What are you doing?
J: Just got a Jamba, heading home. How's class? Exciting?
B: Ha ha...? Always!!
B: Ok there wasn't supposed to be a question mark. :)
J: Oh, phew! I was sitting here thinking you didn't think I was funny.
B: No, I just don't pay attention to what I write until after I send it for some reason. :)
J: Who do you think is sexier? Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker.
B: Ha ha ha... That is an easy one!! Bruce!!
J: Really?
B: Heck yes!! Way Hotter, and Richer! And he would probably know more tricks in bed. ;)
J: Ah, I see what's important. Compared to Peter though he's kind of a player, gets around, is afraid of commitment... no problems there?
B: As long as I didn't get killed by someone trying to get to him, or get herpes we're good.
J: Ha ha ha! You're bomb.
B: Ha ha ha... Thanks!
J: Have fun in class, catch you later.

Nov 14th (date)

Jake: Becca's voice faded in again.

Becca was like, "Really we should go there sometime together I think you would really like it." I smiled and said, "For sure. Hey thanks so much for coming tonight it was the most fun I have ever had... ever!" The clock read 4:23am (so 3:23) and I realized I was sitting there being fake. Forty minutes of Becca talking to me, and I had no clue what on earth she had been talking about. I realized how fake I often was. I wondered if I needed to get caught more often like I did with Heather. I decided not to kiss her that night, because obviously, I wasn't into her really. I've sort of convinced myself that I decided not to kiss her because of the vow that hearing "Hero" reminded me of. It may have just been because I was so tired. Had we got to her house 2 hours earlier I don't know if things would have ended the same.

I walked Becca to her door and gave her a hug. She said, "I had so much fun." I said, "Me too." She said, "You're a really good listener." I said "You too."

'Blast' I thought, 'That was fake... and funny how fake rhymes with Jake.' Becca's a cool chick, but I just don't see anything real happening that wouldn't be just because I wanted to snog her.

Supplemental - Bryson

Bryson was a roommate in the House. Bryson met a girl and proposed to her in early July. He moved out at the end of July to save Money for his wedding which took place on November 4th.

Bryson almost steals Calvin's girl.

Supplemental - Brittany

August 24, 2009

This girl, Brittany, and I have been exchanging emails daily. She's, by far, the coolest girl I've met online. She's got a little baggage, though. I guess everyone has baggage, but hers comes in the form of two children.


Then, at about 1am, Brittany says, "You should just come over." "Nope. No way." was my reply. Brittany explained that her kids had been in bed for a while and her roommate (female) was watching TV in the front room and wouldn't care. "Sorry, Brittany. Not gonna happen."


At about 4am, we were both laying down on her bed... still talking. I thought to myself, "I could probably kiss her right now. After all, she invited me over... we're in her room... on her bed... laying down..."

So I did. And she did.

August 28, 2009

I've seen Brittany a few times since last weekend. Her house is where we usually get together.


There's always lots of kissing on and off throughout the night, but it hasn't gone much past that.


But I do have a line. I promise, I do. My line is probably two steps further than YOUR line, but it's still a line. And I won't cross it.

September 1, 2009

Then, Brittany alleged, Spud walked past her and touched her butt. Then she looked at me like I was supposed to do something about it.


Then I told him that he was making Brittany feel uncomfortable and that it would be best if he left. He apologized again and walked out the door. No debate. No argument. Nothing. He just left.

September 5, 2009

I've been able to remain in control up to this point in our relationship.


Well, I'm pretty comfortable in the 4 to 5 range. If I've been dating a girl for a little while and I'm really into her (actually... that doesn't really matter) then I've been known to delve into the 6's. I've hit an 7 twice in my life, but Brittany seems to be pushing for an 8 or an 8.5.


I'm always the one who stops the heated horizontal progression. Never her.


Brittany is only the second girl in my life who I know for a fact wouldn't stop me if I decided to go all the way.

September 15, 2009

I missed the first 30 minutes of the movie because Brittany kept whispering stuff in my ear.


She said, "All of my co-workers make fun of me." I asked why and she said, "Cause I'm the only girl in my office whose boyfriend refuses to have sex."


As close as I can pinpoint, that's when the light switch went off in my brain. It was like a combination of her crappy brother, his crappier party, her interrupting my movie, and then trying to make me feel guilty for not putting out.


I told her not to poke my belly button. (It's one of my pet peeves. It doesn't tickle at all. It just kind of hurts.)

September 21, 2009

she says, "I can get whoever I want, whenever I want. You have no idea how stupid you are for breaking up with me!" then she grabs her roommate, who had been standing there silently, and gave her an extremely wet, tonguey kiss. It was a short kiss, but freaking awesome. Then they both got in the car and drove off.

Supplemental - Harper

Harper works with Jake and he went out with her a couple times. The first time she asked him not to kiss her on the doorstep. Then dropped off presents at his house thanking him for not doing it. He went out with her once more and they made out. They have not spoken since.


Harper is attractive. She has short blond hair that is naturally curly. Her face isn't nearly as cute as Andreas, and her voice is extremely high pitched.
She is built like Andrea, tall, slender, but she sports a boob job which... The verdict is still out for me on those as to whether or not I like them.
Andrea and I aren't "exclusive" by title. Andreas mom set her up with fireman (I told Andrea not to tell me when they go out, I don't know if they have or not yet) so I started thinking maybe I should go out with Harper just to keep things fair.

First Date


Make out

Supplemental - Brakken

Brakken is one of Lances best friends. He is super douchey, and no one in the house really likes him. Brakken is a real tough guy. He wear shirts that are entirely too small for him. He is almost orange-like with fake tan. He rides a bullet-bike and thinks he is such a badass. We hate that he hangs around so much and that we actually have to compete with him for girls at our house. He's pretty good looking, muscly, dark hair, dark eyes and trendy as can be.

Nick wants to beat him up, because he made fun of the brand of 4-wheeler Nick's dad has. It would be a sweet fight so I'll hope for that to happen.

As evidence that he is a d-bag, when we created out uniformed rating system, he was there. When we rated the famous girls he would rate them exactly the same as Lance, until once when Calvin made fun of him for it. He varied slightly. Brakken epitomizes the tool with no personality.

Supplemental - Andrea

Andrea dated Jake from July through August. He met her at work. She was really righteous which made him feel uncomfortable. Jake ended up breaking up with her citing that he did not deserve her. They broke up in early October and have had little contact since.



I first saw her today [...] she was walking towards me and it was as if time slowed to where I was in a slow motion moment. Her hair was bouncing softly on her shoulders and it was as if a chorus of angels sang lightly as she walked passed me. She smiled and I looked at the ground like an idiot.

Her name is Andrea. She is so beautiful. I spent the day trying to figure out if our first encounter was the Spirit trying to tell me something or just me being sappy.

I may have to handle this one all sneaky like.


She is so adorable. She isn't really dating anyone either. She has the most perfect mouth I have ever seen. If I got to kiss it I think it would be comparable to Joe Smith finding the Golden Plates!


Andrea from work is all I think about, and she is like a 9, and she is funny and cool.
So I have concocted a plan to get her to go out with me.
Susan will tell Andrea that her Cousin who is our same age is in town and that she really wants to set her up with him. I will then tell Andrea that Susan's cousin has also asked to come on the canoeing date with us. This will give me a chance to talk about something with her and not feel stupid. Then unbeknownst to Andrea, on the day of the date, I will tell Andrea that my date canceled. Susan will later on that day tell Andrea that her cousin can't make it, then she will suggest that Andrea just go with me since both of our dates canceled at the last moment.

7/11/09 work my plan went off without a hitch.
We were really able to talk and get to know each other. Andrea is pretty awesome, and now that I know her better, I know that I don't think that just because she is beautiful. I'd say she's probably the most beautiful girl I've ever dated, add in her level of cool... I may be in trouble here.
When I finally got Andrea home, I was shaking with nervousness for the doorstep scene. I knew I was going to walk her to her car, and I knew there was no way, NO WAY, that I was going to try and kiss her... still I was petrified.


I am really digging on Andrea. She is pretty freaking beautiful. I notice little things about her that I feel sappy and embarrassed about noticing.
I really like being with her. Even though we have really only been out a couple times.
I met her Dad... ... After all the usual stuff he says, "So Andrea tells me that you watch "R" rated movies?"
Andrea and I left shortly after that and I expected some sort of discussion and urging on her part to get me to renounce "R" rated movies, but she didn't even bring it up. She's pretty awesome.


I don't know what I'm afraid of. She likes me, I like her. I want to kiss her. She is no doubt frustrated that I haven't kissed her. Regardless of all of that I just lose every ounce of testicular fortitude when a moment arrives that we can kiss. Why?!

7/30/09 - 8/22/09

Jake an Andrea argued about what was okay whilst making out. Andrea won the verbal arguement. They did kiss, and it was good. Then Jake push and won the argument phsically. The question at hand, was it okay to include tongue in a make-out. Andrea was against and Jake was for.


Their relationship growing stronger, Jake and Andrea still had not had a DTR. They fast together and when Jake avoids the DTR Andrea tells Jake that she is going to go on a date with a Fireman from her Ward that her Mom set her up with. Jake try's not to be jealous.


Jake entertains going out with a new girl from work. He justify's this because Andrea has chosen to go out with the fireman.


Jake goes out with Harper the new girl from work. He does not kiss her.


Jake expresses his serious feelings of inferiority. Andrea bears her testimony and makes it worse.

9/29/09 - 10/9/09

Jake beats himself up for not being worthy of Andrea's affection. He ends up breaking up with her. He cries. Baby.


Andrea writes Jake a letter explaining all the reasons she thinks his decision was wrong. He posts it on the blog.

Supplemental - Tori


Then, out of nowhere [my dad] says, "Oh, hey... I've got something for you, Son." He goes into the dining room and grabs his brief case. He pulls out two pieces of paper stapled together and hands them to me.

I asked, "What's this?" to which he replied, "It's the resume of the new receptionist I was telling you about."


I told my dad something like, "Well, she looks good on paper. We'll have to see how she performs under pressure."


"So when are you going to come in here so I can meet you?" I almost soiled myself right then and there.


What if I date Tori for awhile and then things don't go well and I decide to stop dating her? It's gonna be hard to avoid and ignore her if she's answering the phone every time I call my dad.


C: Hello Tori. This is Calvin Lynn Marler. How are you today?
T: Well, I'm doing just great Calvin Lynn Marler. (giggling) Is that really your middle name?


C: My grandpa used to call me Leaky Lynn when I was six or seven cause I still wet the bed. It's possible that I've just been in a constant state of embarrassment for the last 15 years and so I've avoided saying it aloud. I'm getting better though.


C: That depends on if you're done flirting with me.
T: What? I wasn't flirting.
C: Tori... I think we both know that you were about to ask me out for the weekend, but you decided against it cause it's Thursday and you didn't want me to know that you didn't already have plans.


Well, my dad called me from work on Friday and told me that Tori had called in sick with "flu-like symptoms".


So anyway, I went up to my dad's house last night with a bottle of Tropicana Twister and a small card. I told him to leave them on Tori's desk so she'd get it this morning when she got to work.


This is what I really wrote:

"You canceled cause of the Swine Flu? How cliche. I expect to see a dr.'s note when we finally go on our date. Don't worry though. I had a great time at the Haunted House with your friends. I think your short blonde friend likes me... like... more than a friend."

October 29, 2009

She sent me a text that said, "You're so sweet, Calvin. I can't wait to meet you." That's how she typed it, as well. It wasn't, "Ur so sweet, Cal. I cnt wait 2 meet U." Thank goodness she spells out her texts like I do.


"Why not Pine or Vanilla-roma?" My answer was, "I've tried those, but none of them mix well with my cologne." I love her laugh.

Oh, by the way, my dad took three photo's of her with his camera phone and emailed them to me. She's pretty hot. And I don't mean "hot" as a degrading term. I mean she's hot, like, smokin'.

November 2, 2009

"What's the problem?" My reply: "Yeah. When I open your door, I'm going to have to let go of your hand. I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that yet."


When we got to her house, we ended up just sitting in the driveway talking. Tori lives with her parents and siblings so we didn't really have anywhere else to go.


She hesitated for a few seconds and then asked, "Will you come inside with me and play with my hair while I fall asleep?"


She smelled like toothpaste. I don't think I'll ever forget that. She kept telling me how much fun she had on our date. She told me that I'm better than my dad had said. She told me that I'm hilarious. She told me that she can't wait to see me again.

November 6, 2009

So it was, (looking at Tori) "If you don't have to get back to work, Calvin, you should take Tori to lunch" (not bad so far, but then he switched his gaze to me) "She likes Greek food, don't you Tori?" Tori started laughing like crazy.


"Did you tell your dad to say that?" I was like, "I have no idea what you're talking about." She started laughing and asked, "What are you gonna do if your dad isn't around? How are you ever gonna make any moves?"


Tori said, "Go ahead then. Make a move, Calvin." It was short and it tasted like Greek food and Sprite, but it was pretty awesome.


She had already committed to a farewell party for one of her guy friends and she said she'd forgotten about it because of my amazing womanizing and kissing technique.


November 9, 2009

She was apologizing profusely for canceling our date(s) last weekend. She asked if I'd come over after church and hang out... maybe play some games with her family.


Then I thought, "Uh oh. What if they're one of those families who wear their church clothes all day long so they don't forget to keep the Sabbath Day holy?"


Tori and I engaged in some small talk for a little while during her stretching. It was pretty arousing to just sit there and watch her stretch. Tori said, "Can you help me with this one?". I said "sure" a little too loudly and fervently, cause her dad looked over to see what was going on.


As I stood there pushing her legs from side to side, I noticed her Track Bottoms were sliding down her legs, exposing her bare calves. After six or seven pushes, I was actually grabbing onto her bare legs with my hands... and I'm pretty sure my hands were cold and clammy. Blast.


What I DO know is that her dad kept glancing over as I was light petting his daughters legs below the knee.


She told me to bend my knees a little bit in order to get my legs up higher. Once my legs were as high as I could get them, Tori nudges my legs to the right and I totally flipped over. Not only did my legs hit the carpet... I couldn't even get them off the ground to the original position. Her mom and sister started laughing and then I heard her dad say, "What's so funny?" and I heard his freakin' Lay-Z-Boy chair fold up.


After I had been sufficiently mortified, Tori tells me that we're going for a jog and that's why she'd told me to wear comfortable shoes.


Before we even got out of her subdivision (and I'm not exaggerating), we passed three different guys who carried on 5 minute conversations with her while I was standing there... not being introduced.

November 16, 2009

I didn't really object to the spelunking idea. I've never made out in a cave before and it sounded kind of fun. Something about the dark and moist atmosphere makes me think it must be fairly conducive to making out.


Her circle of friends consists of two other girls and about 15 guys. When all the guys started rolling up in their cars, I start looking around and counting all the dudes on my fingers which were strategically placed in my pockets.


Then some dweeb with huge pecs and a tight shirt started making carpool assignments. He had assigned Tori and I to different vehicles. I can't even tell you how tempted I was to just get in my truck and drive home.


I don't get claustrophobic so I was fine with the close quarters, but I don't think I even saw Tori in that damn cave. I was squeezing past all of these dudes trying to find Tori to score a bitchin' cave smooch. I think my clothed genitalia brushed up against at least 75% of the guys in that stupid cave... but never with Tori.

November 18, 2009

She texted me pretty late last night and asked if I'd come over and "put [her] to sleep". I guess that means "play with my hair while you sit in an uncomfortable position by my bed and I fall asleep to your gentle yet amazingly masculine touch".


Tori's lamp was still on, but she looked at me just as she was drifting off and said, "So, what do you think of my friends." I answered, "They all seem pretty awesome." Then Tori's eyes get really wide and she sits up in bed. "So then why did you look to the right?" I was, like, "What do you mean?"


I decided I didn't want to have a serious conversation that late at night so I said, "Really? I didn't realize it was that easy to tell that someone is lying. By the way, I think you're ugly." Then I looked to the right.

November 30, 2009

Tori invited me over on Friday night to watch ELF. I was pretty excited because I really dig Zooey and I figured I could probably roll around with Tori one final time before I ended things... either formally or abstractly.


I was looking forward to our last make out. I was actually looking forward to it more because she would have no idea that it was our last make out... but I would. I was going to be able to enjoy it on a totally different level.


In the center of the room were about 6 beanbags, dozens of pillows and blankets, 8 guys and 5 girls in the most absurd and ridiculous looking group cuddle session in the history of the world.


I sat down by myself on the love seat and watched this cuddle group for about 15 minutes. It was honestly the most bizarre thing I've ever seen.


She apologized profusely, claiming she didn't even know I had arrived and wasn't aware of my presence until she saw me get up to leave.


I told her exactly how stupid and immature she was around her friends.


Tori told me how she's flirty by nature, but promised me that she only kisses "one guy at a time". She said that I was the only guy she kisses... currently. She promised me that all of the other guys are only her friends.


She started crying at one point... so I got in my truck and drove away. So much for the much anticipated final make out. Blast!

January 2, 2010

Tori called me on Wednesday. She said she was going to a New Year's party on Thursday night and thought my roommate, Nick, might get along with her friend, Jennifer.


I kept seeing Tori staring at me in my above-average and finely tuned peripheral vision.


I also knew if I started talking to her then I'd miss any other opportunity to snog anyone else at midnight. After about an hour, Tori got the hint and started focusing on Aaron... which kind of pissed me off.


Then [Tori] wrapped her arms around his neck and started making out with him right in front of everyone. Seriously... it was disgusting. Everyone was screaming and laughing like it was the greatest thing in the world, but it was really just gross.


When we were driving home the next morning, Aaron told me that he and Tori had made out for most of the night. Awesome, Aaron. Thanks for telling me that.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

MBP rates some stars

kristen stewart rating rihanna rating drew barrymore rating mila kunis rating megan fox rating zooey deschnel how to rate women ratings system hot girls attractive women sexy beatiful pictures cute defined

See how to rate here


11/11/09 Jake turned 22.
Jake's Mom says that Jake weighed 9 lbs 2 oz and was born at 10:23pm. He had so much hair as a baby she was able to put a bow in the first day he was alive. I still see him putting bows in his hair when he thinks no one is looking.

Rate Me?


So far, Calvin and I have not actually responded to anyone's request to be rated. We have received so many requests that we figured we better be sort of organized about it, and make an event of it so that it isn't something we have to feel pressured to do for the rest of the time our blog is in existence. Remember, this was NOT our idea, it was YOURS. However, we feel capable of giving our honest opinion, so we are willing to accommodate you, our readers requests.

HERE IS WHAT WE HAVE DECIDED TO DO. (Sorry for the "all caps" thing I know that makes it seem like I'm yelling, I am not, I just wanted to make sure everyone is clear about this.) We will rate anyone who asks to be rated. We will NOT rate people just because they are our facebook friend. (I mean, we're guys and we will rate you simply for existing. However we will not make it know to you unless you request it.)
Rules are as follows:

First, you MUST be 18 or older. There are no exceptions... sorry but that's a big no no.

Second, girls will only be rated on the LOS.

Third, we will give you two options to being rated.
•Option 1: Private - Send an email to (even if you've already requested a rating via twitter or facebook) with "rate me privately" in the subject line. During the week of Christmas we will send you an email back with Calvin and I's rating of you.
•Option 2: Public - Send us an email to (even if you've already requested a rating) with "rate me publicly" in the subject line. On Christmas Day we will make a blog post where we will post your first name, picture of our choice from your Facebook account, and our rating of you.

Fourth, if you don't have a Facebook account, you'll need to email us at least five photos.

We will at some point send you a response email with some other rules and instructions...

I know some of you are thinking, "Who would seriously let these jokers rate them on the world wide web?" We have received numerous, numerous requests and when we've asked if we could do it publicly about 20% have responded "yes." I would hope everyone pays close attention to our rating scale disclaimer at the bottom of this post. (This is the same link as the "LOS" link above)

You're also probably thinking "Why December?" Hopefully that gives you an indication of how many requests we've received.

Supplemental - Tshirt Discounts

Are you a student? Are you broke? Are you always looking for ways to save a few dollars? Well, we have GREAT NEWS!

Why pay full price for a Mormon Bachelor Pad t-shirt when you can do a whole bunch of lame things and get it for cheaper?

Option 1: If you have our button on your blog. You'll get FREE SHIPPING! Yes, you read that correctly. FREE SHIPPING! After ordering your t-shirt, email us with a link to your blog within 24 hours and you won't be charged for the shipping. Note: If sometime down the road, we return to your blog and notice our button has been removed, you'll receive a bill for $3 in the mail.

Option 2: If you write a 500 word blog post about MBP you can get an additional 20% off. The blog post must be no more than five (5) days old and can be positive or negative. We don't give a crap. However, there can be no mention of the discounted shirt in the post. Email us a link within 24 hours of ordering your shirt.

Option 3: Send us a photograph of you wearing our t-shirt in a public place like the mall or an all girl pajama party or an Extreme Cagefighting Competition and you'll receive 20% off of your next t-shirt purchase.

Option 4: You can receive a 5% discount for doing each (or any) of these:
  • Mentioning how awesome MBP is in a Facebook Status Update
  • In Facebook Info under "Activities", include "Reading the Mormon Bachelor Pad blog"
  • Have one of your peeps invite us to be their FB friend and say you told them we're the shiz.
  • Make your Facebook Profile photo a picture of you wearing your MBP t-shirt. (note: no refund on purchased shirt. 5% valid on future purchase only.)
Option 5: Buy one (1) girls t-shirt at full price, get (1) guys shirt for 20% off. Great for your boyfriend, love interest, open-minded father, husband, or man-shaped girlfriend.

Fine Print: Accrued discounts can not exceed 30% (plus free shipping). Option 4 requires that we be your FB friend. So hurry up and invite us.

We're seriously gonna try to keep track of this stuff. We're probably even gonna be counting the words in your blog post. That's how much free time we have. So don't even try to pull a fast one.

If you have suggestions for T-shirt Designs: 2nd Edition, email them to us so we can make fun of them without you knowing. If we like them and we use them, we'll send you a free shirt... for free.

Supplemental - Abbie Warnock

This is the unabridged email conversation between Jake at MBP and photographer Abbie Warnock. See the abridged version here.

I know women hate it when we men blame things on their monthly cycle. So I wont actually say that the drastic unprovoked change in tone was as a result of anyone involved's monthly shedding of the uterine lining... but, if not that? I gotta wonder. Her name is Abbie Warnock.

October 28 at 1:54am: Jake to Abbie
So hi... you're a photographer right. If that's the case you're in luck... oh wait, I mean I am in luck. I checked out your webpage and Calvin and I like your style.

So, we're facebook friends which hopefully means you read or have read our blog, however, lately I am surprised with how many people don't.

Anyway, if you do read, you know that we are completely anonymous. Our identities are the topic of hundred's of girls across the countries twittersations and bloggersastions.

We are thinking of making a Calender. One that would be a funny way of saying, ha we're anonymous!

Our idea is having pictures of like body parts, like the ear and side of the back of the head with something going on in the foreground. Or a picture of our roommates shiny clubbing shirt crumpled up on the ground by his bed... stuff like that.

Clearly, because we must remain anonymous, we wouldn't be able to do a photoshoot, so we thought maybe we should try someone with a bunch of stock photo's that is creative and can figure stuff out...
So, what do you think? We could bounce some idea's off each other, we would be happy to give you a lot of creative license.

We have little to offer, as we are poor RM's and our blog is just now taking off. However it is really taking off, we are getting more than 1000 hits a day. Most of them local, so if this is something you are interested in we would then obviously have your info all over the calender and link to your website from the blog or whatever.

Oct 29 at 7:05pm: Abbie to Jake
Hi, Jake!

I did get your message, sorry, the last 24 hours have been really hectic and I'm just getting to followup with people over the last 48.

Good to hear from you. I'd like to know a little bit more about your overall concept. I've had people with prospects like this run them past me before, and I gotta know the whole idea and if it's something I can get behind. I'm not a beefcake photographer by any means, and if it's anything like the mormon shirtless calendar dudes, I just can't be bothered, ha ha.

I do have an hourly rate, and rarely take trades, unless it's for something that I think is worthwhile. If you'd like info on my pricing structure, let me know, but I would like to know more about what you're doing.

-Abbie Warnock

October 29 at 7:15pm: Jake to Abbie
Thanks for getting back to me... no, not a beefcake thing at all... Is there a time I could call you? I have a feeling concept and vision would be better discussed then written. Probably one conversation would be enough to decide one way or the other if it's something you'd be into.

via my mobile

November 3rd at 6:24pm: Jake to Abbie
Okay, I will try to be succinct, because from your responses so far I am gathering (incorrectly perhaps) that you're not really interested in this.

We would like to make a calender available to our readers. We want our calender to be cool and stylish not just a silly-hey-the-anonymous-blog-has-clever-anonymous-pictures kinda thing. That's where you come in. We have actually been introduced, Abbie, not that we know each other extremely well, like we probably wouldn't say hi if we saw each other at Rumbi's, but we'd recognize each other. However, I know many of the people on your website very well and we have been real facebook friends for a long long time. So I thought of you first thing because I have seen and admired your work for a long time. You definitely have a unique style that doesn't look like every other drab cookie cutter photography I see, especially around Utah. Plus your stuff fits more into our demographic of younger readers.

The idea behind the calender is more than featuring the anonymous guys of the Mormon Bachelor Pad. More so just showing the bachelor life, with some dating stuff, and funny things from our blog. It will probably be a mix of portrait and still life pictures. I know you do mostly portrait stuff, but surely a lot can be done without showing the actual face. There are all kinds of things: silhouettes, objects covering the face, from the shoulders down... you know whatever. You are the creative one. I don't know if I'm describing it well so, below I will attempt to describe some of the ideas for pictures that we have. I have attached some sketches (they're terrible and will probably do more damage than help, but who knows)

(1) Back of a guys head, maybe half or whole perhaps over the shoulder or just close up of the head. In the background girls can be seen walking away (or toward) like he is checking them out. Girls could be frolicking or doing whatever.
(2) Guy laying on couch sleeping, his hand is out-stretched still clutching the xbox remote or old school Nintendo remote. Hand in fore ground is covering most of his face. Maybe one closed eye is all that can be seen or something.
(3) Very close up of guys face with scruff (you have one pretty close to this but you can see the guys eyes) This comes from a description of our blog.
(4) Girl scratching a guys back in a church pew, from behind or side. Can't see his face. Also a quote from our blog.
(5) Guy on date, or by himself, inside a car doing the air drums. His drumming hands could be covering his face.
(6) Soccer legs, with Jake written in faded Sharpy on the cleats, probably doing a defense wall with ball and other player in background or something.
(7) One of the character goes clubbing a lot and we often make fun of his shiny shirts. So, a still life with a purple or blueish shiny clubbing shirt crumpled up by itself or next to jeans by the side of the bed, as though he threw it off just before climbing into bed. We visualize this one on a hardwood floor because that's what he actually has in his room.
(8) A reverse "entourage/reservoir dogs pose" picture with all 5 roommates full body walking away from the camera in just regular type clothes.
(9) Still life of garbage can in kitchen, ridiculously overfilled, displaying the balancing act bachelors often do with the garbage can.
(10) Snuggling behavior... surely you know all about this one Abbie, but no faces, just intertwined limbs, male and female, maybe arm scratching, or spooning on a couch (preferably a cheap couch)
(11) Pink unitard w/ hood halloween costume, perhaps sitting on porch w/jack-o-lantern.
(12) A guy holding up a huge wad of tangled Christmas lights, Like seriously huge, which - wait for it - covers his face.
(13) An old house (victorian or craftsmen) at night with no lights on. To showcase how no one is home on a friday or saturday night.
(14) A couple kissing on park swingset awkwardly holding together chains.
(15) A male hand playing with a girls hair while she try's to sleep (I know it sounds creepy unless you read our most recent blog post)
(16) Three or 4 guys on their cell phones, staggered, covering their faces.

Abbie, these are just idea's, the sky is the limit, maybe you hate some of them. If you kind of get the idea, and have some other idea's that would be awesome. We would probably only need 12 pictures... I guess we could do 15 that's popular for calenders. So tell me if you think you could see yourself working on it. If not please just let me know soon, and don't worry, I know that you're busy and kind of a big deal so if you're not into it, I'm sure I can find someone less talented and hungrier.

Thanks for even taking the time to read this.


November 5 at 2:30pm: Abbie to Jake
Hi Jake,

Sorry, the last 48 hours have been a big runaround from utah valley to downtown SLC, so I couldn't reply until I got a good solid chunk of time to go over all of this and give it my undivided attention.

Those are all cool ideas, and I could definitely produce those images for you. I need to know what your budget is for this thing, though. When you're dealing with 12-15 different photo concepts and a photographer that charges per hour of shooting, there are two options:

1) You pay a day work rate for an entire day of shooting so that we can go from concept to concept throughout the course of 1 day
2) You break up the concepts into session groups, and pay an hourly rate for multiple days/sessions.

My hourly rate is $200 per hour of shooting, and my Full-Day Rate is $1200, and both include all of the following:
-Shooting the images at a location of choice.
-Clothing changes as you need them at no additional cost.

-Retouching on ALL of your images, everything gets the special treatment.
-Your images on a hi-resolution disc.
-A contact sheet of everything with ID numbers for easy reference.
-Digital Proofs available for download online from
-A document verifying your permission to print/copy your images anytime and anywhere for personal use.
-I also keep your shoot archived in my system, should you ever misplace your images/need another disc.

That may or may not be in your budget, which is understandable if it's not, but that's what we'd be looking at. If you do choose to go with another photographer, I would say to take into account how many calendars you expect to sell, at how much, and to make sure that their work is up to the task. That old phrase "You get what you pay for" is usually true in either direction, I've learned.

Keep me posted, and again, sorry this was a bit delayed, I didn't want to send a rushed response.

November 9 at 12:22pm: Jake to Abbie
Thanks Abbie,

More than anything I'm glad you were able to catch the vision... Criminy! You get paid more per hour then our attorney. Maybe I should forget about Law School and go into photography. Ha ha! That is definitely out of our budget right now. Unless I can some how get my Pell Grant to include it... :)

I will make a small counter offer even though if your are able to charge those rates you probably aren't in need of any the benefits I thought I could use to compel you to do this.

As you know I can't stop talking about all our hits, and our growth within the last 2 months goes up steadily by 150%. We have a marketing agency that has suggested we charge monthly for advertising on our blog. We are going to start doing that late November early December. So here's our counteroffer, we will give you $200 and 6 months of free advertising on our blog as well as 25% of all the calender profits.

That's the best I can do, and understand that probably wont work for you. I will look into another photographer while I wait to hear back. Are there any you would refer?

Or possibly we could make it some sort of contest on our blog for our readers who do photography.

Thanks so much for taking the time to look this over.

November 12 at 4:59pm: Abbie to Jake
I can do that. But I'll want to do a few different ads over the 6 months, is that workable?

Sorry this took a while to get back to you, I got really sick and am on the mend now.


November 12 at 6:43pm: Jake to Abbie

That is excellent!

So, we probably need to discuss details just so we're both clear. I want to make sure that you KNOW exactly what I THINK I know about what you are getting yourself into. Besides I was so worried about getting you to do this I'm not sure if I communicated very clearly.

-We (as in Calvin and Me) will not be meeting you in person or attending any "shoots"
-No male faces can be seen in any of the photo's, but pushing the envelope is encouraged
-It is perfectly okay to show the faces of any female figures in the photo's

-Our ads are going to be 125x125 spots on the side bar. Basically a button that will link to what ever you want. You can make it animated or stationary, and you can change it as often as you like, but you are responsible for making the buttons.
-We could make the button for you, but it would no doubt be one of the suckiest buttons ever.

So, after reading that, you've probably thought, well Jake, if we can't do [blank] then how can we do [blank]... but since I've never used a camera that cost more then $24 I don't know what those blanks are. Nor do I know what you will need from us. Models, Make-up, hair, props, pretty much all falls into our $200 calender budget. So I will await your response and hope you get feeling better.

If you want I can call you and we can discuss any issues you foresee?


November 12 at 6:56pm: Abbie to Jake
*I'm actually totally NOT ok with you two not attending the shoots. That is a recipie for miscommunication/surprise photos, and I've learned that lesson the hard way in the past. Either one or both of you attend the shoots with me and provide direction as to what you're looking for, or I don't shoot it. That's non-negotiable. Since there isn't going to be an art director, one of you needs to wear that hat.

Getting female faces in the shoots will require either referrals from you and/or model scouting by us, plus model releases for any of the girls involved, just an FYI.
Makeup, Hair, etc: This is up to you two. If you want to budget for it, great, but if not, it's up to you.

This sounds like something that we should sit down and talk about in person. I'll be in provo tomorrow for a surprise birthday party at 7, would you be around before or after that? I'm not really well enough to have a phone call tonight though, too sick/doped up for that just yet.


November 12 at 7:13pm: Jake to Abbie
Unfortunately Abbie the anonymous thing is pretty much the most important part of our blogs existence.

So, I will discuss with our attorney some sort of "non-disclosure agreement" that you would have to sign, to which even then I'm nervous about how enforceable that is. If our identities are revealed our blog is done for... So, let me discuss that with him tomorrow, because unless we feel 100% comfortable with what he says about it we may be at an impasse.

Where do you live because I'm in Salt Lake City and couldn't make it down to Provo very easily tomorrow.

Sorry, I know this anonymous thing is incredibly annoying! Get some rest and we can figure it out tomorrow.


November 13 at 11:08am: Jake to Abbie

Okay, so there is no way we can personally be at the shoots. Discussing even a hefty non-disclosure agreement with our attorney, that says something ridiculous like if "Abbie reveals our identities then she is personally liable for $500,000" those agreements are so difficult to enforce, and even though I doubt you would ever do and and probably could be trusted one just never knows, and with the potential at our door it's too big a deal for us to risk.

So, I know you said this was "non-negotiable" and if that's how it stands I will understand. However consider this: In my very first facebook message I mentioned giving you a great deal of creative license. What if YOU were our art director? I've seen your stuff online and know that you are creative and have an eye for things. I didn't just pick you out of a hat, I looked around. We would be willing to put a great deal of trust in you to get this done.

If someone said to you, "Abbie can you put together 15 pictures that showcase in a somewhat comical but stylish way the life of a single Mormon bachelor. With the only rule being that you cannot actually show the faces of any bachelors in the pictures." I am betting you would come up with a pretty good end product.

I am also guessing that we are far less high maintenance then whoever taught you that lesson the hard way in the past. We will most likely love whatever pictures you turn out.

So, I really think that discussing the project over the phone, and giving you fairly free reign that is understood (we can even put it in writing) beforehand could work out quite nicely.

If it is still no, then one other possibility is me finding an "art director" of sorts who can take the reigns. They would have the same alias type relationship as I have with you, but I guess they could take the blame if something wasn't liked... or something.

So, I will await your decision.


PS even if you half-assed this it would probably be better then the alternative.

November 13 at 2:19pm: Abbie to Jake
Wow. I've photographed famous people that've been less maintenance than you guys. You're spending more time talking to legal counsel than you are getting projects along, this is blowing me away. If you're legal-contract-concerned about me revealing your identities like you seem to be, I gotta admit that you're being really pretentious. I have bigger fish to fry and things to worry about other than this.
This isn't worth the run-around to me, and at this point, it certainly isn't worth the price and "perks." Living in a town as small as provo and dating/writing about it like you are and will be, it's an inevitability that you'll be found out sooner or later, and it won't be by Abbie Warnock. Oh, and for the record, my myspace blog has had 290,000 hits in the past two years. People surf. It happens.
I won't be working on this with you. When you figure out how to act like professionals, you can work with professionals.

November 17 at 5:36am: Jake to Abbie
That's a shame Abbie.


Supplemental - MBP Calendar

We are always interested in what the imaginations of our readers are turning up and think a calendar made up of submissions from our readers would be really cool. So, read the descriptions below. Get your Camera's or your paint brushes out and send us your picture. We will review all submissions and put together a calendar with our favorite ones.

The idea behind the calender is more than featuring the anonymous guys of the Mormon Bachelor Pad. More so, the idea is to feature the bachelor life, with some dating stuff, and funny things from our blog. It will hopefully be a mix of portrait and still-life pictures.

RULES (only two)
  1. Pictures CANNOT show the face of any bachelors - the idea being that these are pictures of members of the Mormon Bachelor Pad.
  2. Pictures must be awesome.

  • Though no male faces can be seen in any of the photo's, pushing the envelope is encouraged
  • It is perfectly okay to show the faces of any female figures in the photo's
  • On portraits. A lot can be done without showing the actual face of the Bachelors. I.E. silhouettes, objects covering the face, from the shoulders down... or the chin down whatever.
  • There are links to basic physical descriptions of the bachelors that can be found on the sidebar of this blog, fill in the blanks for any information not listed, like hair for example.
  • Be creative!

We haven't set a deadline for submissions because we are lazy, but we want to do this soon. We will probably do some honorable mention pics on the blog if we receive lots of pictures.

Any one of these idea's or a variation of it would make a great picture. Pick one and create your best, or make up your own idea that you think belongs in the Mormon Bachelor Pad Calendar.

(1) Back of a guys head, maybe half or whole perhaps over the shoulder or just close up of the head. In the background girls can be seen walking away (or toward) like he is checking them out or they are walking towards him. Girls could be frolicking or doing whatever.
(2) Guy laying on couch sleeping, his hand is out-stretched still clutching the xbox remote or old school Nintendo remote. Hand in fore ground is covering most of his face. Maybe one closed eye is all that can be seen or something. Soda cans and junk food remnants could be part of the set.
(3) Very close up of guys face with scruff. This comes from a description of our blog.
(4) Girl scratching a guys back in a church pew, from behind or side. Can't see his face, he's in church clothes.
(5) Guy on date, or by himself, inside a car doing the air drums. His drumming hands could be covering his face.
(6) Soccer legs shot, with "Jake" written in faded Sharpy on the cleats, probably doing a defense wall with ball and other player in background or something.
(7) One of the characters LANCE goes clubbing a lot and we often make fun of his shiny shirts. So, a still life with a purple or blueish shiny clubbing shirt crumpled up by itself or next to jeans by the side of the bed, as though he threw it off just before climbing into bed. We visualize this one on a hardwood floor because that's what he actually has in his room.
(8) A reverse "entourage/reservoir dogs pose" a picture with all 5 roommates full body walking away from the camera in just regular type clothes.
(9) Still life of garbage can in kitchen, ridiculously overfilled, displaying the balancing act bachelors often do with the garbage can so they don't have to take it out.
(10) Snuggling behavior... surely you know all about this? If not email Calvin for demonstration... obviously no faces, just intertwined limbs, male and female, maybe arm scratching, or spooning on a couch (preferably a cheap couch)
(11) Guy in Pink unitard w/ hood halloween costume, perhaps sitting on porch w/jack-o-lantern.
(12) A guy holding up a huge wad of tangled Christmas lights, Like seriously huge, which - wait for it - covers his face.
(13) An old house (victorian or craftsmen) at night with no lights on. To showcase how no one is home on a friday or saturday night.
(14) A couple kissing on park swingset awkwardly holding together chains.
(15) A male hand playing with a girls hair while she try's to sleep, or brushing hair past her ear.
(16) Three or 4 guys on their cell phones, staggered, standing or sitting, covering their faces.

These are just idea's, the sky is the limit. If you kind of get the idea, and have some other idea's that would be awesome. We will do 12 to 15 Photo's on a 12x12 calendar.

When you have your image email it to us at

You can email us or leave a comment on this post and we will respond promptly-ish.

Chosen pictures will be linked to on our blog and the photographer/artists web address printed on the calender. Those chosen will also receive a free calendar and a lifetime of gratitude from yours truly. All serious submissions will be shown on the blog... we would let you guys vote on them, but we know we would cheat and just pick whatever we like anyway, and cheating is no way to get into heaven, is it?

Supplimental - Monetize?

It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I heard the word "monetize." I didn't quickly reach for my [your dictionaries name and link here] to figure out what it meant. I just kind of assumed... in fact come to think of it I still haven't looked it up, so I'll really be embarrassed if this post has nothing to do with it's definition.

We have received a barrage of emails suggesting and offering to help us monetize our blog. This idea is of course exciting to Calvin and I because occasionally Aaron or Nick (who both work full time) will ask if I want to go to
[your restaurants name here] and I have to sullenly look at the ground and say, "No, I'm broke." So, if the question is, "Do you guys want to make money off of your blog?" the answer is of course, "Yes."

However, our intention in starting this blog is still the same and we do not want to sacrifice it's purpose for the sake of making a little dosh. What is the purpose of our blog you may ask? Why, a honest focus on the modern Mormon male and his trek through the real world of course. More specifically documenting our life experiences, thoughts on dating, and life in general, and how all of those things are influenced by our testimonies in the Gospel of Jesus Christ as taught by
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And, in addition to doing all that, doing it in an entertaining way.

We definitely don't want to dedicate entire posts to giveaways, or to have to alter or change something in one of our stories to plug some random company that we clearly would have no business talking about. That would totally suck, but, Ma-a-a-a-an I gotta tell you guys that I totally love my
Cricut personal cutting machine, it has changed my life and will change yours too if you simply go here and buy it... in fact buy 7 or 8 in case armageddon or something like that happens you could always use a Cricut personal cutting machine in your food storage so you can document the carnage of the end of the world - for others to read during the 1000 year millennium.

So, Calvin and I decided we would tread carefully in our endeavors to try and get something from what we are giving. The idea of t-shirts has been mentioned, and trust me we have heard you. We expect to be releasing them in the next week or so. However, we have heard from others that this usually isn't a very lucrative endeavor. We don't care though, in reality the first time I show up to an indoor soccer game at
[your indoor soccer arena's name here] and some girl is wearing one of my shirts or I go to pick a girl up for a date and she is wearing one will very possibly be the best day of my entire life. If I had the money, I would pay people to wear MBP shirts just to have one of the aforementioned experiences. But, I digress.

I have talked to a lot of people and a lot of companies and have discovered that this monetizing is harder than it sounds or should be. First of all nobody wants to do anything for nothing and one of the things we haven't changed for the sake of anonymity is that we are broke. We have tried the whole, "We'll pay you a percentage of what you help us make." reasoning and have for the most part been laughed at by all professionals.

I overheard a rich guy I know talk about this Marketing company called
XO Marketing. So I called them. They have been awesome and extremely helpful in spite of our poverty. More importantly they are willing to work with "Jake from the Mormon Bachelor Pad" without fussing over my actual identity. They did a pretty cool focus group on our blog that I will have to post another time... it's pretty funny though to hear what strangers thought of us.

XO referred us to a internet marketing company called
Dream Systems Media. Unfortunately, this particular company made a huge deal about our anonymity. They would not work with us. In order to get them to talk to us we had to find an attorney who could start a business for us, and would act on our behalf and communicate in our place to keep us anonymous, but to still allow us to sign like non-disclosure contracts and have a bank account and crap.

It took a few days of phone calls before I found an Attorney. Apparently, the BAR requires all attorneys to do a certain amount of "pro bono" work every year. So this Attorney, who's son loves our blog, and who was pretty amused by our overly optimistic outlook agreed to represent us on the percentage of future profits idea. When we fail, he will just consider it part of his pro bono work. Lucky? Perhaps, but lucky for who? We get legal counsel, but he is one of the five people on earth who know our real identities.

It was pretty cool sitting in our Attorneys office calling Dream Systems Media for the first time, because it made me feel like I had actually made something of myself - until later I caught myself trying to sell
[your satellite or cable TV company here] to our Attorney... Anyway, Dream Systems Media is still being kind of babies and admitted that though our snowballing hits are impressive, we, and I quote, "...are a very low priority." Which I would totally complain about, except that we are trying to do something on some sort of trade with them, too, which means we don't pay them right away... so what can we expect?

All Calvin and I know for sure is that the fun of writing this blog far far far outweigh the money we could make doing it. From what I can tell, blogs that make money, make like $40-100 a month or something, which would be so amazing! Just think of how many times we can hit up
[your fast food restaurants name here] dollar menu with that kind of cash. However, missing out on it wouldn't keep us from having cable or anything so it's really no big deal.