Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Attractive on a 1 - 10 scale

The other night Calvin and I brought up the topic of how we rate how attractive women are. There in the discussion were our three roommates (who are still oblivious of this blog) and Lance's friend Brakken. It was determined that we would all decide on a uniform system for rating women. The conversation was lengthy, heated, highly intelligent, and entertained all possible quandaries that one rating the opposite sex might encounter. Rather than relaying the entire sorted tale I will summarize the MBP rating system. Please understand that I am writing this very matter-of-fact because each sentence and point was discussed and decided upon by six young virile men. You don't have to use or like our scale but you will understand it.

First and foremost there are two scales: The Looks Only Scale and the Overall Scale.

Looks Only Scale (LOS)
A 1 to 10 scale based solely off of appearance. The idea is very much judging a book by it's cover. Gray area items which are included in appearance are voice, accent, laugh, breathing habits, mannerisms. If someone has a horrible laugh or a high-pitched voice... that could easily drop them a point or two. It doesn't really have a lot to do with a persons personality if a persons voice sounds something like cat-sex or their nose whistles a bit more than normal while breathing.

Overall Scale (OS)
Also a 1-10 scale. The LOS is the foundation for the OS. If someone is a 6 on the LOS then they start out as a 6 on the OS and as one gets to know them the rating goes up or down based off of personality. The OS is where personality, substance, and character come into play. The OS evolves over time and can change based on any number of things. Because the OS is built upon the LOS its rating always supersedes the LOS. However, two guys talking about a girl one of them is dating or knows will very often want to know both ratings.

Dude One: I really like this chick from my golf class.
Dude Two: Looks?
Dude One: 7
Dude Two: Overall?
Dude One: 8
Dude Two: Oh, nice.

The simple fact that the OS scale manipulates the LOS should make it evident that the OS is the more important and the stronger of the two scales. If it is not evident please understand that MBP places far more weight on the OS than they do on the LOS. Hence the reason courtship is so important. The LOS is simply a starting point.

MBP caps the OS at 10. If a LOS 6 is super awesome and that bumps them 4 points to a 10... (like me for example) and a 9 is just as awesome they do not jump to a 13. Perfect is perfect people. 10 is perfect live with it.

The Importance of Opinion
There is a great deal of taste and preference given to each person doing the judging. Rating attractiveness is not like rating a figure skater where each judge can award certain values to certain performances. Each individual judge can simply create their own rules when rating someone. What one person rates a 9, his very best friend can rate a 3.

One person may very well think that having a second toe that is longer than the adjacent big toe is very attractive. While someone else thinks that they could never possibly look down at the base of their bed and see their bare feet poking out of the covers next to their partners feet with what they consider to be the ugliest human condition - a longer second toe. So, all ratings are subject to the personal opinion of the individual doing the judging. Therefore no specific trait can be universally awarded any kind of value.


The System for calculating the LOS
The opinion of what is or is not attractive is unique to each individual. In order to create an understanding there is an equation in place so that a number can be assigned. The MBP has determined that there are three values whose definitions they could agree on.

Beautiful: Captivating. Elegant. Classy.
Cute: Adorable. Pleasant. Snuggly.
Sexy: Alluring. Erotic. Striking.

When rating someone, each value is given a 1-10 rating. Then the three ratings are added together and averaged.
(note: Famous women automatically get an extra 10 added to their total before averaging because they are being rated against other famous women)

Extremely rare, almost flawless. Even Super models, centerfolds, and movie stars on their best days struggle to achieve this rating.
9: In a large group of women, she's almost always best in show. Includes: Models, Actresses, Pop stars and girls toted as "Hottest girl in..."
8: Extremely attractive. Most guys are lucky to date one or two 8's in their lifetime.
7: Very attractive. These are the hot girls most common in a guys regular environment
6: Attractive. Slightly above average. It should be noted that the majority of the worlds population is within the 5-6 range.
5: Starting to be attractive or unattractive.
4: Unattractive.
3: Ugly
2: Induces a gag reflex.
1: Not sure if these exist I've never seen one, but they would be seriously deformed, probably leprous, or some sort of half human half animal thing.

So, since I am in College Algebra the equation goes: (B+C+S)/3=A
Here are
a couple of examples to show you how it works.

Amber Heard
406 from Zombieland and Chick in the Bikini in Stepfather
Beautiful = 9
Cute = 8.5*
Sexy = 9
Famous = 10
Total = 36.5
Average = 9.125
RATING = 9 or 9.1**

The one I dated
B: 8.5*
C: 9
S: 7
T: 24.5
A: 8.16666667
RATING = 8 or 8.2**

My Baseball playoff make-out
B: 7
C: 7
S: 8
A: 7.33333337
RATING = 7 or 7.3**

*The use of decimal points is allowed. However when assigning a rating, it is MBP policy that it only be in .5 increments. Giving someone a 8.2 in beautiful is just silly.
**In most cases just the number is sufficient in Rating. MBP policy is to always round up simply because we are nice guys. When discussing looks with a good friend or if the rating is deserving of further explanation than just that of casual conversation, one decimal point is appropriate.

To see some ratings we at the MBP have given some well known women, go to this link.

DISCLAIMER: Please read all warnings and instructions before use. Confessions from a Mormon Bachelor Pad (MBP) can not be held liable for any misuse or misunderstanding of the instructions on this rating system. Must be 18 years of age or older to be rated by MBP. MBP is held harmless if you provide fraudulent evidence that you are older than 17. Regardless of your rating you will probably be unhappy with it and feel self-conscious. MBP further makes no warranties that using this system will make you better looking or raise your self esteem. Using this system will in no way make you thinner, curvier, have tighter skin, a clearer complexion, fuller hair, bigger lips, more defined abs, or fill out your bra. MBP cannot be held responsible for years of psychiatric treatment that may be required after using this rating system or being rated by this rating system. It is recommended that readers not operate a motor vehicle or heavy machinery for an hour after being rated by MBP. Nursing mothers, women who are pregnant or may become pregnant are warned that being rated by MBP may result in fetal injury, premature birth and low birth weight even though Jake finds pregnant women extremely attractive and it may boost an individuals rating. MBP expressly disclaims all liability for treatment, diagnosis, decisions and actions taken or not taken in reliance upon information contained in this Website. If you take any rating given by us seriously, you are an idiot.


Shelby Lou said...


I can't say much to this accept... I need to be rated because you guys are hilarious. haha It just makes me so curious. I've known guys like you.. my home teachers. We once had a conversation talking about dogs peeing on trees which led to guys who shouldn't date prospective girlfriends of other guys. Don't pee on another man's tree. or bush.... or fire hydrant.

Shelby Lou said...

is that the wrong except? accept? i hate spelling.

Busy Bee Lauren said...

I appreciate that you find Zooey so attractive. You guys are good people!

Tyler & Nicole said...

I love how you used an extra long toe example! haha. someone has been watching Shallow Hal!

Kell said...

OK... so now I'm even more confused. But it sounds like a better system than "She's hot.. she can be an 8"

Half of me wants to be rated, but all of me doesn't. I've spent way too much time building up my self esteem. I don't have the balls(?obviously) to do this, so way to go for the brave ones.

Paula -- CutieFruity said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TechieGirl said...

LOL! I love your honesty! Rock on guys!

THE Stephanie said...

Hilarious! I love when the scale starts going down hill - getting unattractive, unattractive, ugly, gag reflex, and #1 - OMG!!!... Seriously about spit my drink out.

Maggles said...

You should totally patent the MBP Attractiveness Rating System.

FYI, your LOS rating equation should actually be (B+C+S)/3=A. Parentheses are your friend. You're going to be bombarded with rating requests now...you'll need handy dandy Excel spreadsheet to calculate and track the averages!

Kimmie Poo said...

how do i get you to rate me?

you guys are so freaking funny.
keep it up.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...


Thanks for the algebra help! I did make a nifty spreadsheet that we used here:


So we are ready to rate away.

I'd do the patent thing, but how much does that cost? I don't think my Pell Grant will cover it...?


Amy said...

I love it! You guys are so official with a disclaimer and everything! I've been pregnant 5 times. *ahem, Jake* ;) Something to consider, would that effect the rating? The number of times? LOL!

Blazzer said...

This is the Best post so far. That attention to detail is comical genius.

I doubt there is another reference on the whole world wide web as helpful in rating women as this is.

It's a shame you made it a supplement and not an actual post. I think a lot of people are going to miss out.


whyimstillsingle said...

This is gold. I totally approve.

Anonymous said...

Well if you have to rate women...I suppose this would be the way to go about it.

Wait, am I condoning the use of a rating system on female hotness?

Yeah...yeah I am.

alex said...

That is a most excellent disclaimer you have created, there.

Nate said...

Brilliant ;-)

Paula -- CutieFruity said...

Too bad you are plagiarizing the book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max. Now I know for sure this blog is made up. I still enjoy it, though.

Unknown said...

This is pretty funny. I just hope I don't here people walking around saying, "looks?" , "overall?" ha ha.

And Paula you must have read a different Tucker Nax book then me because his 5 star system is nothing like this, and far less complex.

PS the movie I Hope They Served Beer In Hell sucked if anyone is wondering, read the book.

Jake said...

Hey Paula. I think it's funnier that you think I read books.

shirley elizabeth said...

You rated Harper as a 7 in elegant and classy? You obviously don't know the definitions of those terms.

Anonymous said...

Jake you are a Creepy McCreepers. Get a life or get married and keep your wife pregnant until she dies.

L. OL. said...

this is hillarious... thanks for posting it. :o)

Physcokity said...

I am dying(from lol)! Having read Lauren's interview excerpts and a couple of posts that were linked. I've added ya'll to my reader.

Amanda said...

Ooh do me, do me! haha I want to be rated...sort of...

Anonymous said...

Random Question for you: As a 23 year old, semi-attractive (at very least, I hope!) young woman, would the ability to speak Russian improve my rating on the Overall Scale?

Anonymous said...

this is completely offensive and egocentric! Do you even realize how this trivializes the gift of womanhood?

Amanda said...

Don't pay attention to them, they're just a bunch of sissies who lost their big boy pants somewhere back in jr. high.

Anonymous said...

Money is so intangible, its almost like a promise and a piece of paper.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like a decent number of women have been rated 7+, but have you ever rated someone a 10?

Anonymous said...

Wow, another shining example of how shallow the mormon bachelors are. Being LDS and dating a few of this kind just reaffirms my knowledge that you are all in love with yourselves.

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