Virgin or Not

When I was growing up, there were certain words in my family that were considered swear words. Surprisingly, when I was serving in Ireland I had a conversation with Elder Pixton about the words I had always considered swear words. He made fun of me because I'd been raised to think "bastard" and "hell" were swear words. Pixton told me that his grandpa lived with his family when he was younger and always used those words in casual conversation. As a result, they weren't considered "swear words", necessarily. I thought it was funny how two people with similar religious backgrounds could be so different when it came to what we considered "right" and "wrong"... or maybe, "acceptable" and "not acceptable". I thought "bastard" was a worse word than "dick" because I'd been raised to think that "bastard" was a swear word and "dick" was a garbage word. That's what we called them. Garbage words. "Dick" was in the same category as "butt hole" and "wiener face".

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when I found a similar phenomenon with Law of Chastity stuff. Everyone in the church knows that "sex" is wrong when you do it before marriage. But when some people think about "sex", they think about "intercourse". When someone else thinks about "sex", they also include oral sex. So many people in our church have been raised with the same General Conference talks and same church magazine articles, but for some reason... they have different ideas about what is included in the definition of "sex".

It's not that any truly faithful members kid themselves into thinking that only "intercourse" is bad. We all should know that pretty much everything leading up to intercourse should also be avoided... except for vertical cheek and forehead kissing before 11pm in a public place.

I also realize that there is the whole "spirit of the law" vs "letter of the law". I don't know for certain, but I can imagine the Bishop's Handbook has very specific guidelines about how a bishop is supposed to handle intercourse out of wedlock. But I doubt the handbook is specific regarding every single moral and sexual transgression. It's probably just a series of suggestions... letting the bishop decide, with the help of the Spirit, how to handle any given situation. So I don't even know that bishop's, themselves, have phrases and terms followed by specific definitions of what each action is comprised of. That would actually be pretty gross.

So can a person engage in oral sex and still consider themselves a virgin? Some people would laugh at the thought. Of course he's not a virgin. He got a B.J.! But what if that person has never considered oral sex as "sex"? He's always purposely refrained from having sex, telling himself that he wants to be a virgin when he gets married. Does his definition matter at all? Or is it only your definition that matters?

Calvin

Thank you cards = Crazy???

Surprisingly, things haven't been weird at work since the whole Harper date. In fact they have just been business as usual. Her flirting is just the same as before. We didn't ever speak about the awkward doorstep scene and I'm fine with that. I also resolved to be far more serious with Andrea, and though we haven't got around to having a DTR, in my mind, I am as exclusive as I have ever been.

So I was surprised yesterday when I got home from work, and there was this little box on the front porch. It had my name on it and a little bow, and a little teeny thank you card. Inside the box was a bag of Sour Patch Kids, which anyone who knows me well knows this is my most very favorite candy. Written inside the thank you card was "Thank you so much for not kissing me! I know that was odd. Seriously thank you tho. You are an awesome guy. XoXoX Harper"

I showed the box to my roommates and we mused over the strangeness of this chick. At work today I told her thank you for the candy and the card. She again, didn't act any differently.

Today when I got home from work, there was another little box on my porch. Same bow and thank you card. Inside was a can of Mountain Dew, also my favorite. This time the card said, "Thank you so much for not kissing me. I think you deserve another chance. XXXXoXXXX Harper"

Again the roommates and I discussed Harpers weirdness. Calvin suggested I cut all ties from her and start ignoring her, even at work. Aaron & Lance Think I should make out with her. Nick thinks I should just keep her at arms length and see how things go with Andrea. I thinks she is nuts, and want nothing to do with her. I do appreciate the goodies though, maybe I should just try and milk this till the food stops coming... I don't know, too much work?

Speaking of Andrea, she told me about her date with the fireman. She said he was a nice guy, but he was "no Jake." This brought me some comfort, but I was never terribly threatened to begin with. I asked her about him though. She described him and it all sounded very righteous. He started their date with a prayer and their discussions were chiefly religious. The thought, "She deserves a better man than me" hasn't left my mind since we wrote that talk together... (despite the many comments here about me needing to man up and quit being a pansy) as she described fireman, he sounded like a pretty cool guy. Pretty cool, and... "a better man than me."

It is safe to say I am confused.

Jake

The Miserables

There are two girls who've been coming to our house ever since we moved in 4 months ago, Holly and Melanie. I think they followed us from our first singles ward, before we found this cool new singles ward with higher quality girls. Holly and Melanie are totally awesome girls, but they're not cute at all. Like, not in the least. I wouldn't go so far as to say they're "ugly", but neither one of them are my type and it doesn't appear anyone else in our house digs on them either, but it doesn't really matter because they LOVE us and they come over to our house all the time, which boosts our self esteem. They also raise the guy/girl ratio in our house whenever they come over so, really, everyone wins.

Tonight, a different house of guys in our ward was hosting FHE. Everyone in the ward was invited, but Jake and I aren't down with lame competition so we decided not to go. Nick, Lance and Aaron went over to their FHE so Jake and I were just sitting at home watching Deadliest Catch when we heard someone come in the house. It was Holly and Melanie and an extremely attractive girl who I'd never seen. Holly introduced the hottie as her sister, Sharee. I glanced over at Jake and he was staring at her like she was the only one in the room. Apparently, these three girls had gone to FHE, noticed we weren't there and decided to come over and invite us over to their condo to go hot tubbing.

Jake and I immediately changed into our swimming suits and then hopped in their car with them. We were both secretly hoping to sit next to Sharee, but she ended up riding in the front with her sister and the ogre Melanie was sitting between us in the back seat. The whole ride to their condo, Jake and I were both trying to talk to Sharee, but she wasn't having it. She was acting really stuck-up... like she was better than us. Jake and I both knew she was out of our league, but she wasn't even giving either of us a chance. We were getting one word answers to all of our questions. Every time we'd make a joke (and they were freakin' funny jokes), Holly and Melanie would be laughing their asses off, but Sharee would act like she wasn't even listening. It was so frustrating.

When we got to their condo, Jake and I followed the girls inside. Holly and Melanie said they were going to get changed. Sharee walked up a ladder into a loft type of room that overlooked the main floor living room. Jake said, "Are you coming with us, Sharee?" I was also secretly hoping to see her in a swimming suit. Sharee called down, "Naw. I'm tired. I'm just going to go to bed."

Jake and I exchanged a disappointed look and I sat down in the sofa chair. Jake walked over to the stereo that was on the dining room table. I heard Jake say, "Whoa. You have Les Mis?" I heard him put in a CD and then start skipping through the playlist.

(Side Note: When Jake and I were in Ireland, our mission presidents wife was in charge of approving the music we were allowed to listen to. During one of my visits to their home, I noticed the Les Miserables soundtrack in their collection. Even though she never specifically approved the soundtrack for the missionaries, I made the mental leap that if it was ok for THEM to listen to while serving the Lord, it was also ok for ME to listen to. So the whole time I was serving with Jake, we listened to Les Miserable almost daily.)

Jake chose to stop on the song he knew I'd appreciate most: One Day More.

The song started playing and Jake and I instantly went back into mission mode and began singing along. Not just subtly and reverently mouthing the lyrics. I mean, full blown belting out the song at the top of our lungs... singing parts, even. We'd alternate so we were never singing the same lyrics.

J - "These men who seem to know my crime will surely come a second time, one day more."
C - "I did not live until today. How can I live when we are parted?"
J - "One day more...."
J and C - "Tomorrow you'll be worlds away, and yet with you, my world has starrrrrted"

At this point, I see Sharee's head peek around from the loft and she looks down at me and Jake... staring at each other to make sure we were hitting the right notes while singing the awesomest Les Mis song ever. I faintly hear her ask, "You guys... know this song?" but I wasn't paying attention to her anymore cause I was really into the song. Jake and I were in our groove.

Then the song picked up:

C - "One more day before the storm."
J - "Do I follow where she goes?"
C - "At the barricades of freedom."
J - "Shall I join my brothers there?"
C - "When the ranks begin to faaaaaaall."
J - "Shall I stay and do I daaaaaare?"
C - "Will you take your place with meeeeeeeeeee?"

I'm not going to type out the lyrics to the whole song, but our performance was complete with closed eyes in all the appropriate parts, clenched fists, and facial expressions full of anguish (if the lyrics warranted it). Looking back, I kind of wish I'd have taken the time to look at Sharee. I would have loved to have seen the look on her face. I'm pretty sure she fell in love with us during that three minute song.

When the song finally ended, Jake and I sat down and tried to catch our breath (it had been a while since we'd done the routine). I heard Sharee say, "I'm gonna change into my suit."

It's great when our homosexual behaviors end up scoring chicks.

Calvin

Her Testimony

Andrea and I spent most of the afternoon together. She is giving a talk in church tomorrow and wanted me to help her with it. We were at my place mostly sitting on the living room floor just bouncing ideas off of each other.

I get really bored in church, and will often complain about the speakers and talks and lessons being given. The first time I did this Andrea quoted Brigham Young who said something to the effect, "If you ever propose to criticize someones talk or lesson you should go up and take their spot." To which I responded that is something I would gladly do, and that I would definitely not be boring.

Andrea has decided to put this to the test by getting my input. Her talk was about obedience. She had a barrage of scriptures and quotes from General Authorities all ready to go. I looked over her outline, and lovingly rolled my eyes and told her that this would easily put everyone to sleep. I told her that she needed to tell stories and apply them to the topic. Explaining that when a personal story was shared that people could often relate and were not only more prone to listen, but by listening would be more likely to feel the Spirit.

We talked about some times in her life that she was obedient. We stumbled across a great story about how she and her dad were trying to train their dog not to eat off the table when they weren't in the room. It was a funny story, and it went right along with obedience perfectly. I told her that she should tell that story. She started writing frantically, and I left the room to make us some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When I returned she was still scribbling away at this page.

I asked, "What are you writing now, I thought we were done." She replied, "I'm writing out the story." I sighed, "No, you definitely don't want to read the story, you just need to tell it. It's far more interesting told then read." She said, "but I don't want to forget anything." I said, "Tell it a few times then, to your dad, and your sister, but you gotta tell it not read it, trust me on this." She stared at me. I could tell she wasn't convinced so I continued, "I mean look at bearing your testimony, nobody writes out their testimony, they just say it, it's more genuine, it is easier to listen to." Half way through that sentence Andrea got a pretty embarrassed look on her face. I stuttered, "Uh, did you, uh, did you write out your testimony?" She pulled a page out from under the page she had been writing on and held it up. I smiled and started to laugh a little bit. Her head dropped and she said, "You're not very helpful, you're just making me frustrated. I'm not good at this. I get so nervous if I don't have it written out. I am afraid I'll freeze."

I realized that she had already put a lot of work into this and I was just mockingly tearing it to shreds. I tried to console her, but the damage had been done. I was telling her how instead of writing out the story maybe she could write major points to work towards as she told the story like a connect the dots. She listened while frustratingly crumpling up her written story and her testimony and throwing them across the room. She sat there for a sec looking at the ground, then she smiled sort of deviously and said, "Fine Jake I am going to try it your way." She stood up and grabbed me and kissed me and said, "Thank you for helping, Can I tell you the story a couple times?" I agreed, and she told me the dog training story.

After fine tuning things a bit and suggesting some parts where she could be funny and stuff she said, "Okay, I need to practice telling my testimony, can I tell you that a couple of times?" I said yes. I sat on the couch in our front room, and Andrea proceeded to bare her testimony to me. It was simple and direct. She laid out very clearly how she felt and why she felt that way. She was minutes into it, and I actually felt a very peaceful spirit. I watched as she lit up with the glow of something greater then herself. I got uncomfortable... I don't know why exactly, but I kept thinking, "This girls testimony blows mine out of the water." I started to think about my date with Harper, how I was so willing to kiss her even though I had decided I liked Andrea better. I started to think about how selfish I was.

Andrea continued and started tearing up as she expressed her love for Jesus Christ. I was listening but my mind was elsewhere. I was feeling guilty. I didn't even know exactly what I was feeling guilty about. The thought popped into my mind. This girl deserves someone better than me. I thought, sure being with her would no doubt make me a better person. I know that's good, but what about her, I wouldn't be making her a better person. She needs someone better than me, I will only drag her down.

After finishing her testimony, she wiped a tear away that made it down the left side of her face and skipped to the couch and plopped herself next to me. She smiled her big perfect smile and said, "Well." I smiled back, "That was beautiful, you bare one of the best testimonies I've ever heard. You don't need anymore practice." Her face lit up and she threw her arms around me. We held each other for a while and I couldn't get the thought, "She deserves a better man than me" out of my head.

Jake

WoW... a Loophole!

Last night (actually early this morning) all of the roommates were sitting in the front room talking about girls... you know... Brittany, Andrea, Harper, Emily, Joey, Becky and Nicole. Out of nowhere, Lance says, "Well, I better go to bed. I have to get drunk tomorrow."

Turns out Lance's cousin is in the police academy and tomorrow is the Field Sobriety Test day or something. Apparently the instructor asked the recruits to round up 6 or 7 guinea pigs to come in at 9 am, get drunk on free, government supplied alcohol (probably confiscated from minors), and then let the whole Academy class practice all of the field sobriety tests on them.

We asked Lance if he was serious and he said he was completely serious. He said, "I don't even think I'll feel guilty. I mean, it's for the greater good, right? I'm going to help train police officers so they can catch bad guys who are breaking the law. I think Heavenly Father might even be proud of me for doing this for His children." We all kind of laughed nervously and then Lance left to go to bed... but we kept talking about it for a while after he left. Is that actually a Word of Wisdom loophole?

Nick started to agree with Lance, but then I said, "There are plenty of people who don't consider 'drinking alcohol' to be a sin. Shouldn't they be the ones doing this whole training thing?" Then Jake said, "So instead of having an LDS person drinking, they should be trying to get other people to do it? Either way, they're encouraging other people to sin." Nick's argument was probably the best, though. He said, "The whole reason alcohol is against the Word of Wisdom is because it lowers our inhibitions and it makes us more likely to commit OTHER sins that we wouldn't have committed otherwise. Alcohol, by itself, isn't a big deal. It's the poor choices that often are made while under the influence that really get people into trouble."

Then someone else said that they'd heard you don't even have to confess Word of Wisdom stuff to your bishop. I'd never realized that... mostly because I've never had any issues with the Word of Wisdom. I'm not even sure if that's true. But if it IS true, does that mean that people who smoke and drink don't have to tell the bishop as part of the repentance process? That doesn't sound right. Especially because 'harmful drugs' are also included in there and it seems like shooting heroin into your veins is something you should probably talk to your bishop about... but maybe I'm wrong.

I know they ask you specifically in the Temple Recommend interview so I know it matters that much, at least.

It seems like in my last Temple Recommend interview, the bishop asked, "Do you try to obey the Word of Wisdom?" If I went with Lance this morning, drank a shot and a half of whiskey, got totally plastered, and then went in for my interview this Sunday, I could honestly answer 'yes' to that question. "Yes. I do try to obey the Word of Wisdom."

I might even be able to rationalize my way out of feeling guilty by convincing myself that the reason I got drunk was so that no other innocent soul had to.

Calvin

The Harper Experience

I went out with Harper last night. I did not, nor do I plan to, tell Andrea about it. I know, I know, most of the readers of this blog think it a very naïve decision. I don’t even have an extremely good or well thought out explanation or justification for my actions.

Sure I could say that we haven’t officially titled our relationship as exclusive. I could also point out that Andrea too, is, or has, gone out with another guy and it's only fair. I could, again, mention how the experience could strengthen what we already have. However, I could give some pretty solid counter arguments for t each of those reasons too. Truth is I had a chance to go out with Harper, and without bothering to weigh the consequences or to entertain every possible scenario, just decided to take that chance.

At work Harper mentioned how badly she wanted to see (500) Days of Summer. Andrea had a softball game that night and so I simply suggested to Harper that we go see the movie that night. Harper said, “You mean like a date?” I replied, “Not “Like” a date.” I waited for her to ask about Andrea, but she just smiled and accepted.

When I picked her up she looked pretty frickin sexy. I imagined her for a second getting ready for our date and making sure that her surgically perfect breasts were displayed in the most flattering way as to get my attention. I imagined her doing this because her surgically perfect breasts were definitely grabbing my attention… I’m not even a “boobs guy" (that said just because they’re not the highest bullet point, they are still on the list, and Harper had that item covered.)

We got dinner first. Conversation was flowing. She was acting like I was the funniest guy on the planet. I know she is a flirt, and I know that she was probably purposely over doing it a little, but I didn’t care, it felt good. She had mastered the laugh-and-gently-touch-my-arm/leg/shoulder-smile-and-then-make-prolonged-eye-contact move which, I was happy to see her repeat over and over.

Whenever I go to a movie with a girl, there is always the issue of the arm rest. I have always just decided to let the girl be in charge of it. I usually will act aloof, like I don’t even know that the armrests adjust and see what she does. We sat down and Harper immediately looked at the armrest and tried to adjust it. It didn’t move. She looked puzzled. On the edge of her seat she looked at the row in front of us and then the row behind. She said with a grin, “Oh, this wont do.” Then she climbed over the back of her seat, sat in the row behind, and adjusted the armrest. She coyly patted the empty seat next to her.

We snuggled pretty hard throughout the movie. It helped that it was a great movie to. It sort of ended on a "not-love" note, which I figure for a chick flick is a bad thing. We sat in the theater through the credits. I tried to get up a couple of times but she resisted with her head on my chest she said, “No (with a little whimper) wait a little longer.”

It was a little weird, but other then that the date was terrific. I constantly compared Harper to Andrea. Andrea was far more genuine, and far more interested in me. They were both fun and easy to talk to. Again, Andrea had a much more attractive face, but Harpers boobs were hard to ignore. I thought as we left the theater, I like Andrea a lot more then I could ever like Harper… (which is going to make me look like a bastard when you read the next part).

During the drive home Harper had her hand on my leg. She was sitting so that the profile of her chest bumps were almost picturesque. I was pretty turned on, and decided (again ignoring consequences) that I was going to try and kiss her, even though, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t go out with her again.

I walked her up to her doorstep and we hugged. I tried to pull out, but she again resisted. We hugged for a really long time. She whispered during the hug, “Please don’t kiss me.” I heard her clearly, but said, “What?” She whispered again, “Please, don’t kiss me.” (still in the hug) I kind of chuckled and said, “If I do am I going to get slapped? Because if that’s all that is at risk—“ She interrupted me, “No.”

She pulled out of the hug, her arms around my shoulders and she looked at me. The porch light wasn’t on, and it was dark, so I couldn’t be sure, but it almost looked like she was crying. She was being very serious, “Just trust me and don’t kiss me please.” I was confused. She was basically saying, "I can tell you want to kiss me, and if you do I'll kiss you back, but please just don’t do it."

My mind began to race and in less then three seconds I had the following thoughts. (a) Her dad is behind the door and if I kiss her he will come outside and beat me to death. (b) She was in league with Andrea this whole time to see what I would do, and now was feeling guilty and really wanted to tell Andrea that I didn’t kiss her. (c) She had some other man in her life to which she was cheating on at this very moment. (d) I had extremely bad breathe. (e) One of her boobies had popped or something and she needed to go. (f) Did she have a cold sore, or worse? (g) She is acting super weird right now… extremely unstable, perhaps bi-polar, and is probably carrying more baggage then I care to deal with.

My previously described arousal was gone, and I just wanted to be done. So I hugged her once more, quickly, looked at her and said, “Okay.” Then I left. She stood on the porch and watched me walk to the car. She stayed there staring until I drove away.

I’m not sure what happened. I don't want to go out with Harper again for sure though and will probably just joke about the silly 'don't kiss me convo' on her front porch. This little experiment made me want to see Andrea so I sent her a text that said, “P.S. you’re awesome.”

Jake

Ripley's Believe it or Not

I know I'm 21 years old. I know I'm an adult. I know I'm a jerk. I know I should make more of an effort when I break up with someone. I knew all of those things before reading all of your comments. I even felt a tiny bit guilty before reading all of your comments. But I decided on Wednesday that I should probably call Brittany and end things officially instead of just avoiding all of her calls like I'd been doing.

Girls claim to appreciate it when a guy is honest. I contemplated being honest with Brittany and telling her that I didn't have any real reasons for breaking up with her. I thought about telling her about the switch in my head that turns itself off when I'm done with a girl. I thought about telling her I was intimidated by her two children and wasn't excited about a future of My Two Dad's type of baggage. I thought about telling her that 34 of my 42 commentors called me a pussy and ordered me to answer my phone and break up with her "like a man".

Turns out I didn't have to do any of those things. She called me from a number I didn't recognize on Thursday morning, essentially tricking me into a "break-up" conversation. I think Brittany was afraid when I answered since I hadn't answered for four whole days. She stuttered through her prepared speech like she was nervous I'd hang up on her or something. (I'm not that scared of confrontation. Give me some credit.)

She told me that she knew exactly why I'd been avoiding her calls. She asked me if I'd come to her work and talk to her in person, just so we could "end things face to face". We even laughed a few times during the phone call, like we were friends meeting for lunch instead of a dick-face guy and his promiscuous soon-to-be ex-girlfriend.

When I got to her work, I called her and she took her 15 minute break. We sat under a tree for a little while and talked for a bit about our relationship. Brittany apologized for being so forward and told me that she totally understood why I chose to move on. She told me she had been selfish and explained how we probably weren't a very good match. At the time, I could not believe how cool Brittany was about the whole thing. We hugged and she told me she had to go back inside because her break was almost over. I drove back to work feeling pretty good about myself... like I'd finally become a actual man. A man who considered other people's feelings and tried to do the right thing.

I felt pretty good until Saturday night. We had a bunch of people over to our house, as usual. There were probably 25 or 30 people in our house and few more outside in the driveway and on the front lawn. This guy in our ward came inside at about 10:30 and told me that Brittany was outside and wanted me to come outside and talk to her. I immediately got kind of nervous. I asked him if she was alone or if she had a bunch of guys with her. He said that she was with another girl.

I asked Jake if he'd come with me and we went outside. She had parked on the side of our house. It's dark over there and nobody ever hangs out on that side of the house cause they don't want to step in any rotten peaches on the ground.

I walked toward Brittany and her roommate. They were standing by their car and they were dressed like they were headed to a bar or dance club or something. (NOTE: I'm about ready to tell you a true story. Jake told me that I might want to leave a certain part out since it's so unbelievable. Jake was afraid that telling this part might make people doubt the truthfulness of this blog. However, I thought it was so awesome that I have to tell it... even if you choose not to believe me.) Out of nowhere, Brittany gets right in my face and is talking pretty loudly... not quite yelling. She says stuff like, "You don't deserve me" and "I'm the prize" and "Who do you think you are?" She was pretty pissed and I also think she was kind of drunk.

Then (and here's the unbelievable part) she says, "I can get whoever I want, whenever I want. You have no idea how stupid you are for breaking up with me!" then she grabs her roommate, who had been standing there silently, and gave her an extremely wet, tonguey kiss. It was a short kiss, but freaking awesome. Then they both got in the car and drove off.

Jake and I just stood there for two full minutes laughing about how awesome it was that we'd just seen two girls kiss in real life. It totally sucked that nobody else was there to see it. It's an experience that only Jake and I had. I'll keep it in my heart forever.

Calvin