Two K's

After meeting the three blonds we have been hanging out with them a lot. Sure enough Farrah and Lance are looking to be coupled in the future. Kelly has been at our house nearly every night since the first. She just pops in whenever she's in the area. I have been flirting with her and with Karen. I know they're both friends, but they're not that good of friends. They are both friends with Farrah and only each other because of their connection to her.

If they find out it, could spell disaster... but only for my relationship with them. There are plenty of other girls rolling in and out of this house that I can afford to make a few mistakes, I figure. Besides after Claire and Andrea and all the drama that ensued I've decided that I take relationships a little bit too seriously. I need to lighten up. So flirt on, that's my new motto.

Here are some flirtings I have had through text with the two friends:

JAKE - 1:14pm: So... how was Hawaii?
KAREN - 1:20pm: Amazing!
JAKE - 1:30pm: Nice. I should go there some time.
KAREN - 1:33pm: Have you never been? Where is your favorite place you have traveled to?
JAKE - 1:50pm: Nope, never. Favorite? Ireland.
KAREN - 1:55pm: Did you visit there for soccer? I am saving to go to Greece. That's the next big trip I want to take.
(Karen is hotter than me. I think she's an 8 even if Calvin thinks she's a 5 that looks like a blond Kermit the Frog. So I realize that she is responding to me almost instantly. Which is a good sign. I want to keep her on her toes, so I decide to delay my responses in hopes that this would make her as crazy as it does me.)
JAKE - 2:40pm: I served my mission there. Greece? That's so trendy... Lets go to Istanbul instead.
KAREN - 2:51pm: That is awesome you served your mission in Ireland. What part? Is that when you started liking soccer? Have you been back since?
JAKE - 3:22pm: Dublin. No. No.
KAREN - 3:50pm: Have you seen Green Street Hooligans?
(I notice she waited 30 minutes to respond to that one... which probably means she just had to take a crap... but just in case she was trying to respond to my delayed responses I decided to double my response time - which was really hard to do.)
JAKE - 5:46pm: Yes.
KAREN - 5:53pm: I love that movie! I haven't seen it in a while but its one I never get sick of.
(Ah, a 7 minute response... much better. And, she left me an obvious open invitation to ask her to watch Green Street Hooligans with me.)
KAREN - 5:59pm: And by the way, Greece is not too trendy. And I think you're cute.
KAREN - 6:10pm: And when I say cute, I mean hot.
(Okay she said I was cute I could capitalize right now, but me and Aaron are going to go see Inception again tonight with The Twins. So I decide that the best way to play this is to not respond to her AT ALL. She knows she's hot, and I'm certain she knows she's hotter than me. Yet here she was tossing me hints like they're ninja stars. I decided that if I ignored her after confessing that she thought I was attractive would make her want me even more. So I didn't respond till the next morning.)
JAKE - 8:58am: Rumor has it flattery will get you everywhere.
KAREN - 8:59am: Except a rapid response from Jake Halifax.
(I count that as proof that my strategy worked.)
KAREN - 9:22am: And Jake when I say that, naturally I mean it in the cleanest way possible.
JAKE - 9:28: Wanna get lunch today?

(While I was at lunch with Karen)
KELLY - 12:43pm: You never text me back?
JAKE - 1:11pm: I always text you back, sometimes it takes 3 days.
KELLY - 1:19pm: Funny. You never responded to my last question.
JAKE - 1:44pm: I forgot.
KELLY - 1:50pm: I know. That's what I am saying.
(I didn't forget I was just pretending. Because if a cute girl thinks you aren't thinking about her it makes you "different" and girls like different.)
JAKE - 2:21pm: No, I forgot what you asked.
KELLY - 2:25pm: You're bad at texting.
JAKE - 2:30pm: I warned you.
KELLY - 2:40pm: Have you ever been surfing?
JAKE - 3:15pm: Yep, a few times. I am good at everything... except texting.
KELLY - 3:23pm: Hmm, everything but text? I think I am going to like this.
KELLY - 4:03pm: I'm starting to wonder if you're one of those examples of the pen is mightier than the sword. You're sure good at writing, but...
JAKE - 4:21pm: But?
KELLY - 4:24pm: Well, I guess we'll see.
JAKE - 4:28pm: Ha ha, I'm not worried. I'm way better in person.
KELLY - 4:31pm: You don't seem to worry about anything. I think that's part of your appeal.
(She might as well have ask me out. I decide I am going to hold out on her too... make her think about me a little more, then she throws me a curveball.)
KELLY - 5:05pm: Send me a picture.
(This has never happened to me before. What was she asking? I have heard of it, but wasn't really sure what was expected. A picture of my face? in one of those myspace poses? Not bloody likely.)
KELLY - 5:26pm: Just do it!
(I decided to send her a picture of an oven I already had in my phone from selling it on KSL weeks ago.)
KELLY - 5:35pm: You are one strange mofo.
JAKE - 5:40pm: Strange?
KELLY - 5:47pm: You sent me a stove when I wanted to see your face (or butt).
JAKE - 6:31pm: Well, you can't blame me for your inability to specify...
KELLY - 6:32pm: Send me a picture of your face. Please.
(I found an old picture of me with head phones and sunglasses and stuff on and sent it.)
KELLY - 6:48pm: Watch out world. Here comes Jake the bad ass! :) whats with all the equipment?
JAKE - 7:00pm: Sunglasses: protect my eyes from harmful UV rays. Seatbelt: Keeps me in place in case of a crash. T-shirt: protects upper body from chaffing seatbelt might cause. Headset: Allows me to talk to & hear other passengers over noise of the engine.
KELLY - 7:04pm: Really?? You fly? Will you take me?
JAKE - 9:36pm: Ha ha, no... I ride. I was in the backseat.
KELLY - 9:40pm: Dang, I was ready to kiss you.
JAKE - 11:19pm: Curses, oh well... I'll have to make do kissing girls who don't only kiss pilots.
KELLY - 11:23pm: I didn't say I only kiss pilots. I am sure you could think of something to entice me to kiss you. Remember you're good at everything... except texting.
JAKE - 11:42pm: Well, I am a better kisser than any pilot.
KELLY - 11:45pm: Prove it!
JAKE - 11:48pm: Why?
KELLY - 11:56pm: You have the best answers.
(I thought about replying that the only thing I would have to do to entice her is show up... but instead I decided that this was the part where I would ignore her so that I could ensure it.)
KELLY - 12:27am: What should I have said in response to that?
KELLY - 1:13am: Hello? Awake?

I like Karen a little more, mainly because she is hotter... also she seems easier. Plus I know that Kelly has been flirting similarly with Aaron and Peter, but whatever.

Jake

Yup... I Said It...

Whenever I decide to show up to a social gathering with my roommates, everyone cheers when I walk in. It's like I'm on a sitcom and I'm one of the favorite characters. I don't pretend like I'm the favorite or anything, it's just that I usually don't make much of an effort to go to those kinds of things so when I DO show up everyone acts like it's a special treat when in reality I know I'm being mocked.

We went to the pool party thing on Monday afternoon/evening. It was supposed to be some sort of FHE activity, but we got there late so IF there was a spiritual thought or lesson given... we weren't there for it. It probably took place inside someone's apartment anyway. I can't imagine being able to focus on a spiritual message with everyone hanging out in bathing suits.

When we walked through the gate to the party already in progress I heard at least 10 different people yell, "Calvin!" and "Yay! Calvin's here!" and "I thought you were too good for us, Cal." and "Nice Speedo, Calvin!". Just kidding about the last one. I wasn't wearing my Speedo. However, I WAS wearing a swimming suit that I'm pretty sure I had in Jr. High. It was pretty small. I thought it would work well and help to accentuate my bulge... but in reality, it just revealed by pasty upper thighs and love handles. Just a little bit of a backfire.

Jake, Lance and Aaron jumped right into the mix. There was a volleyball game going on and they slid right into the game with no problems at all. I've mentioned before that I'm not the most athletic guy so I chose to hang in the shallow end with some average looking girls that wouldn't intimidate me. As I looked around at all the girls I observed something very interesting. It looked like they had divided themselves into groups based on how modest their swimming suits were. There was the bikini group. The two-piece-exposed-midriff-but-more-coverage-than-bikini group. Then there was the one-piece group. On the other side of the pool was the one-piece-suit-as-well-as-skirt-like-drapes-meant-to-conceal-larger-than-average-butt group. And finally... over on the grass I saw the we're-so-insecure-with-ourselves-we-refuse-to-let-anyone-see-our-bare-flesh-except-for-our-doctor-and-even-then-he-has-to-ask-us-to-change-into-that-gown-at-least-five-times-before-we-actually-do group.

Eventually I realized that it wasn't so much groups based on modesty as much as it was groups based on self-esteem. There were plenty of girls wearing swimming suits that were the exact opposite of flattering. But there they were. In all their glory. Running. Jiggling. Laughing. Splashing into the pool almost creating Tsunamis after every cannonball. They didn't care. And I thought that was awesome. I realized that I cared way too much about my white thighs.

"Hey, Calvin." I was sitting in a chair by the pool and I glanced down to see a girl hanging onto the side, looking at me. I knew she was in my ward, but I didn't know her name. I replied, "Hey." She looked pretty cute, but she was in the water so I couldn't see her body. Blast. What kind of swimming suit was she wearing?

She motioned to her friend, Natalie, sitting at a table on the other side of the pool. I know Natalie. She's pretty hot. "Natalie just said to me... she said, 'Stephanie, go ask Calvin why he isn't playing volleyball with the other guys.' So... why aren't you?" Stephanie. That's right. Stephanie. I didn't realize until later, but I'm pretty sure she did the same thing I do when I don't think a girl remembers my name.

I explained to Stephanie that I would normally be the first one in the pool playing volleyball, but that I didn't want to overexert myself after my rigorous workout earlier that afternoon. She looked at me to try to figure out if I was joking... since I don't look as though I'm much of a worker outer. I kept a straight face, but I could see a hint of a smile on her lips. She has a really cute mouth and very attractive lips. I said, "I can tell you don't believe me. I have my bar bells in the car if you wanna see them." She laughed, "You have bar bells in your car?" I replied, "Uh... yeah," like it was the most normal thing in the world, "I'm pretty sure that's what every guy does who's as serious about his exercise regimen as I am." I think by this point I had a smile on my face. Stephanie said, "Regimen? Who uses that word?" "Well, obviously you've never met someone as in shape as I am cause the people I hang out with at Wild Oats use 'regimen' it all the time." Stephanie didn't hesitate to call me out on my blunder, "It's not Wild Oats anymore, Calvin. It's Whole Foods now. Nice try." Crap. She got me. "Well, I've been shopping at Wild Oats for so long it's hard for me to call it anything else. It's like the Delta Center. I know it's not called the Delta Center anymore, but I'm always gonna call it the Delta Center."

We talked for a few more minutes, but Stephanie never got out of the pool. She just clung to the side like she'd forgotten how to swim. I stood up once to try to get a better view of her swimming suit and maybe some cleavage, but it didn't work. After 10 minutes or so Jake wandered up to us. I said, "Hey Jake. Do you know Stephanie?" Jake introduced himself and then said, "So... how long have you guys been talking?" Stephanie and I looked at each other and then she said, "I dunno. About 15 minutes." Jake looked at her and said, "And you haven't asked him out yet?" I looked at Stephanie and gave her a "That's true. Why haven't you asked me out?" look. Steph asked, "Do girls usually ask you out after a 15 minute conversation?" Before I had a chance to think of a witty reply, Jake said, "Usually it takes five." While we were both laughing, Jake turned around and walked back toward the volleyball net... like the perfect wingman. A paradisaical wingman from another dimension.

Stephanie said, "I think giving you my phone number is a logical first step." I laughed as I fumbled for my phone to type in her phone number.

We kept talking for a few more minutes, but once a phone number has been given I've always thought it best to get the crap out of there so you don't give the girl a chance to regret giving it to you. But at the same time I really wanted to see Steph get out of the pool. Maybe she was purposely NOT getting out because she didn't want me to see the 30 lbs of cottage cheese she was storing on her thighs.

Then I heard a little bit of commotion over by the volleyball game. Jake's nose was pouring blood. I used it as an excuse to separate myself from Stephanie.

No... Jake didn't get hit with the volleyball and he didn't get elbowed or anything. Turns out this kind of thing happens to Jake once or twice a year. He's been to the doctor and the prognosis has been "Eat healthier. Sleep more." Jake sleeps an average of four hours a night and eats very little. What he does eat can barely be classified as "food stuffs". It's, like, Fig Newtons, milk, and Ramen.

I'll be calling Stephanie tomorrow afternoon to ask her out for this weekend. Hopefully I can get Jake to come, as well. I hate going on first dates without any other couples. Too much pressure.

-Calvin

Tres Rubios y los gemelos (gotta love Google Translate)

So far since moving in Lance has been all talk. He looks like a playa, he talks like a playa, but he never really brings in the ladies like a playa. Aaron on the other hand is quite capable at bringing around girls. He has this fearlessness about him which somehow allows him to just walk up to strange women and invite them over.

Calvin does a lot of solo type of work where he brings over a girl, dates her, breaks her heart, and occasionally the house can benefit from his seconds. Gabe does the solo thing too, except he hides them from us. I almost never say a word to one of Gabe's girls. If he's with one, he doesn't hang out with us.

Nick never brings anyone over and neither does Tim or Peter.

I am pretty capable when it comes to introducing new women to our pad. Probably only bested by Aaron. I have excellent networking and retention skills that give our house the ability to milk every possible angle from a girl, her friends, co-workers, cousins, sisters, mom... okay not mom... not yet.

Recently there have been two groups of females who have created some excitement among the lads of the pad. The first came surprisingly as a result of Lance and the internet. I call them The Three Blonds. Kelly, Karen, and Farrah. They are all cute and all very blond. Lance met Kelly on Facebook and invited her over and she just brought the other two with her.

The first night a group of girls comes over we try to ensure that no other groups are going to be there. This way they can receive the full attention of our house and not be scared off by our usual harem. This allows us to determine quite subtly how we are going to pair off. We can see who likes them and try and guess who they like.

The Three Blond's arrived and I instantly picked Karen as my favorite by looks. Then within the first hour or so I started to lean towards liking Farrah. Farrah was spunky and fiery. She was the obvious leader and I found that attractive. Plus she was all about school and getting a masters and stuff which I also find attractive. It was apparent though that she was the favorite of a few of the other guys and it seemed like she was getting into Lance.

I really feel like I may have had a chance at working on Farrah that night. I rarely felt threatened in competition with my roommates except for with Calvin but he wasn't there. Unfortunately, a second group of new girls just decided to stop by that night.

These girls came as a result of my effort... so the task to entertain them was left to me. We never let new girls co-mingle until we know them better because we know what a tendency they have to be catty with each other, especially in fertile grounds like our house.

We call these girls The Twins because, well... two of them are twins. Dana and Donna are identical twin sisters. They are both cute, too. We just call them the twins because the other girls who hang out with them are of little interest to any of the guys and therefore are just referred to under the umbrella of the term The Twins. They have a sidekick, Carol, who isn't really cute but is pretty good for a conversation. Today, the twins also brought along their step sister who I had only met once before.

We went into the living room and talked while the other three guys who were home stayed and fought over The Three Blonds. I had met them at my little brothers mission farewell. That was a couple months ago, and I had been nurturing the contact to get them over here and it was just now starting to work out.

We talked and flirted. Aaron masterfully came in and out of both rooms throughout the night. Me and The Twins ended up playing Mario Kart which was fun, but in the few quiet moments I would hear the Three Blonds laugh in unison and wish I was in there with them.

After a couple hours The Twins left. I felt I made some good headway with getting them to come back.

When I returned to the room The Three Blonds were hanging in they were all watching Hot Rod. During the "Huwhy ham hi saying huwhisky huwhat huway?" scene I watched the pairings. Lance was in the little loveseat with Farrah, he was tickling her arm. Nick and Kelly were sitting awkwardly on the sofa not touching but close enough that it was clear they wanted to. Gabe sat behind Karen and was rubbing her neck.

I stood for a few moments thinking I had missed my chance and was about to leave when Gabe got a phone call. He left the room to answer it and I thought, "I should take his spot." My thought was interrupted by a huge pit in my stomach. Then Karen said, "Jake. I need someone to sit behind me." I tried to be funny and looked around and pointed at myself and then whispered "Me?" She laughed and said "Get over here."

The girls left right after the movie. Lance got a text from Farrah saying that Karen was creeped out by Gabe and interested in me. Not sure where Nick and Kelly stand but it looks like at least Lance and I had a successful pairing after all.

Jake

Brief Q & A with Accompanying Update

A month? Seriously? What in the crap have you guys been doing for an entire effing month?

Well that's a good question right there. Jake and I have had several discussions about this here blog and whether or not it was worth our time. I mean, we both like writing. We both like telling stories. We both like making fun of people to their face... while still remaining (somewhat) anonymous. We both like the attention. However, MBP was taking up so much of our time. Especially for me since I had to write my own posts and also proofread them... PLUS proofread and correct Jake's posts, as well. It was so extremely time consuming. So first I was like, "You just loooove being the favorite don't you Jake?" And Jake was like, "I'm not the favorite. What are you talking about? You're the one that all the girls are flirting with." And I'm like, "They only like me because I'm not in the middle of eight zillion relationships. Our readers love you more cause you can type about a bunch of lovey dovey cheesy lame stuff."

The conversation continued for a while until one of us (I'm honestly not sure who) told the other that THEY were more addicted to the MBP attention than... the other. More accusations were made. More gauntlets were thrown. Then we both started trying to convince the other that we could stop the blog cold turkey with no problems at all. The claims began getting more and more outrageous until we both had pretty much sworn off the blog entirely. In fact, Jake told me that he was so indifferent about MBP that he was POSITIVE that he could go longer without MBP twitter, MBP Facebook and even talking about the blog. I said, "You mean you think you can go longer without uttering the words 'Mormon', 'Bachelor', or 'Pad' than I can?" Jake said, "I have no doubt in my mind." Then I said, "Well, not only can I refrain from uttering those three words, but I'll bet I can go longer without even saying the names 'Calvin' or 'Jake'." Jake laughed in my freakin' face and called me an amateur. Then I reminded him that he works with two different guys named 'Jake' and one of them shared a cubicle with him. He still claimed that he could go longer without saying anything about MBP out loud. It was pretty easy during the week, but it got a lot harder to not say "Mormon" on Sundays. We also couldn't talk with Aaron about his favorite show, The Bachelorette, because it included the word "Bachelor". "Pad" was the easiest word to avoid. Mostly cause we're guys and we don't menstruate. (ps. why in the crap is there a "u" in menstruate?" Thanks, spellchecker, for confusing the crud out of me.")

So there we were. For the last month. That's what we've been doing. Trying to outlast each other.

So... who won then?

Well, it's kinda like in high school when my friend and I bet $50 that we could be vegetarian longer than the other one. After 36 hours we found ourselves at The Training Table with a bunch of other people, staring at the menu. We both started talking about all of the delicious animal-based burgers and sandwiches on the menu. We looked at each other and called a truce. Then I ordered the Guacamole Bacon Burger and he ordered the Bleu Bacon Cheese Burger. So that's the longest I've gone without eating meat... and that's similar to how Jake and I decided to keep writing.

So what's up with not being able to leave comments?

Well, since there were only ten people who left regular comments... plus the fact that we ignored pretty much every single speck of advice that people gave us anyway... we decided to just do away with the whole comment thing. Fear not, though. If you have an insult that you feel we must hear, we have email, twitter, and facebook accounts just waiting for your harsh words and criticism.

So are you gonna waste a bunch of posts filling us in on what we missed over the last month are you just gonna skip over all of it and start writing like you used to?

Neither. I'm gonna bring you all up to date on my last four weeks right now:

Week 1: My mom set me up with a receptionist at her work, Shelby. She's cute, but doesn't laugh at my jokes.

Week 2: Shelby is in summer school and always has a bunch of homework so she can't go out with me as often as I'd like.

Week 3: I offer to hang out and help Shelby with her homework. She reluctantly agrees. We actually do her homework and DON'T roll around like I was anticipating with the entirety of my soul.

Week 4: My roommates get wind of my quote DATES unquote with Shelby and try to convince me she is not interested in the least, but doesn't know how to tell me that since she works with my mom. I feel really embarrassed. I ask my mom if Shelby has said anything and my mom tells me that Shelby thinks I'm a really nice guy. It becomes devastatingly apparent that everyone knows Shelby isn't into me... except me. I find the courage to call Shelby and explain to her what my roommates have said and my brand new "jump-started" vibe about how she feels. Shelby sighs and confirms the suspicions in the nicest way possible, but I still kind of hope that she gets punched really hard in the face by another girl at some point in the near future. Not cause I don't like her or anything, but just because that's what she gets for not thinking I'm the awesomest person in the entire world. Which I'm 97% certain I am, because why would my mom tell me something that wasn't true.

Things planned for the near future:

We've been invited to a pool party by an average looking girl in our ward. Even though she's only average, we're still gonna go since there's a good chance there will be other scantily clad attendees.

-Calvin

(Insert custom flower gay-looking border that Aaron crafts specially for us)
________________________________________________________
I’d bet my copy of the Boy Scout Handbook that July is one of the busiest months of the year for a single guy. What with the sun being out, weekly games of Frisbee, BBQ’s, parties, warm late nights… it seems impossible to sum up the last month. Yet I do have a couple of great stories to tell. So I will attempt to be brief and fill you in.

Claire Claire Claire (shakes head instantly giving away the ending to this tale)
Yesterday I met this new girl named Jane. She’s a pretty thing and I initially enjoyed our banter very much. Then I was talking about Predators in mixed company and she said, “Eew you watch rated R movies, that’s so Jack.” While typing this I realize that it’s hard for me to portray how serious she was, but she was dead frickin serious. I quickly responded with, “Well which is worse self righteousness or R rated movies? Because it seems to me like we’re even... with how self-righteous you are being right now.” The retarded look on her face was exactly what I had intended and I walked away hoping Jane would never be back to our house.

This whole thing with Jane happened because of Claire. Calvin and I have recently made a regular occurrence of comparing self-righteousness to other things all because of Claire.

The last post on this blog was about me opening up to Claire. Really opening up. She seemed to take it all very well. She seemed to be so understanding of my past mistakes. Like she accepted me for who I was. I felt connected to her and had decided that night I was going to make my move to tell her how I really felt.

Well it took some doing, we had a lot of fun and spent some time together. I didn’t do it until the 4th of July. A huge and I mean, HUGE, group of us went to Sugar House park. Claire and I got there at 4pm to save a spot with the 8 large blankets we estimated we would need. We played Frisbee, spent time chatting and even ran down to the pond to feed the ducks some of our left over Taco Bell. Then people started arriving and it was a great great night.

After the firework show Aaron and Nick took 'clean up duty' and Claire and I walked back to her car. It was dark, and I grabbed Claires hand. She looked at me a little uncomfortable. I hoped that it was because we had been hanging out so much without actually ever doing this… I was wrong. Since I didn’t know I was wrong I went ahead and bore my soul to her. I told her how she made me feel and how I felt about her. It felt good. It felt overdue. She stopped and said, “Jake I want to feel those things for you, too, but I can’t let myself. We would never work.”

I’m not certain how long it took for me to say something… a long time I think. I asked her if I was in the Friend Zone. She told me that was not it. She told me that she found me attractive and had always had the beginnings of romantic feelings for me. Then she went on to explain that it was my past that scared her. She said she could never trust that the person that I was in the past wouldn’t come back.

We stood there, in the dark. She leaned against a tree, and I swayed back and forth. We talked like that for about an hour. I would bring up forgiveness and growth and she would say something stupid like, “I can’t see myself married* to someone who I’ll always worry will fall away.” I told her she was making a mistake, and then I started to get defensive. Our discussion turned into an argument. I sorta said something I shouldn’t have… and the whole thing ended with her walking away while I stood there. Swaying… I watched her get into her car, and I haven’t seen her since.

I have wondered if I would have made the move earlier or waited to be so honest with her if we would have had something beautiful. However, I like Calvin’s take on it. Calvin thinks that the only thing that would have changed if I had done it differently is that I would have made out with her and then found out she was a self righteous wench.

Andrea
I called Andrea on the 5th of July. I really was planning on calling her the middle of July no matter what, but Claire's starry-eyed ignorance prompted me to do it earlier. Our conversation was brief and unrewarding. I asked her how things were and we went through some small talk. She seemed pretty cold and unexcited. I asked her how things were going since “well-you know” and she simply replied "good". I suggested we hang out sometime and she halfheartedly said "okay". I hung up the phone and felt sick… not because I had known I lost her. More because I felt like I was being blamed for something even though she didn’t say anything to that effect… it was like she was taking something out on me.

I haven’t called or texted her to hang out since.

The last two weeks have been a blast though. Our house is alive with flirtatious fraternization's that I would have never imagined. With a full house of 7 guys living there now, all working together to bring women home for the sharing I expect some exciting things. In fact, if things go according to plan… I think I’ll be snoggin some new honey tomorrow.

Jake

*We Mormons have it ingrained in us at an early age that we “marry who we date” so even though it may seem a little presumptuous of Claire, this is actually pretty common in the Mormon-dating-realm… well in my Mormon-dating-realm, anyway.

The History of Jake 2 of 6

After reading the title of this post you might think back to the first “History of Jake” post and decide there is no way that you are going to read another really really really really long post. This will not be the case here. If you don’t believe me take a moment to scroll down. See… it’s not that long.

So as I mentioned in that post, I have constantly been at arms with authority. I have struggled my whole life to do what is right. I know that everyone does things like this and struggles, but it seems like my list goes a little further than most. Again, when I say that the only reason I am not in prison right now is because of my belief in Jesus Christ and my attempts to be obedient to him, it is not an exaggeration.

• BULLY: You already know about the bully thing.

• DESTROY: As a child I was a terrible little kid. Prior to high school I did a lot of damage. I cannot even count the number of times I egged someone’s house or car. Or gathered up rotten apples and did the same thing. Some nights we would stand in bushes and as people walked by actually throw rotten apples at them. Throwing rocks through windows, mailbox bashing, and tire slashing were things I instigated often. It all came to a head when I was 14. There was the school district bus yard right behind my house. Along it ran some train tracks. What are train tracks surrounded with? Rocks. I convinced my brother and his friend who was sleeping over one night to go to the tracks and break as many windows in the buses as we could. We broke a lot of windows. Probably 100. We had been there for nearly half an hour when I notice the police that had silently surrounded us. They turned on the spot lights, I yelled "RUN!" and remember being tackled by a policeman. It was three in the morning when my parents got the call that we had been arrested and taken to the police station. I was later sentenced to community service which took an entire year to complete. Needless to say I was grounded for the entirety of 2002.

• LIE: I have in the past been an epic liar. Going above and beyond that of a regular liar. For example: Once I started a new job at a movie theater, there were several cute girls that worked there. I wanted them to like me, so I concocted a huge tragic story to aid in bonding. I told them that while at my Junior prom when I was 16, that it was raining heavily and there was a terrible car accident. That my date died. I would purposely give little bits of the story here and there so that those I told it too would feel as though they had to share some private story from their lives with me so that I would open up. The story was extremely detailed and involved several hundred lies. It even culminated with a tearful confession from me that usually lead to a hug and if I was lucky some impromptu make-outs up in the projector hallway. When I decided quite suddenly to go on a mission (which I wasn’t planning on doing at 18 and will tell you more about in a later history post) I confessed to each and every person about this lie. It was really hard. A lot of the friendships and romances I had in my teenage years where built upon the foundation of sharing this (if it were true) very traumatic and private experience. One which when shared these girls would share with me their most private and traumatic experiences. When I confessed to them that it was all a lie… that instead of going to my Junior prom I actually went to see a movie, by myself, they were hurt and angry. I lost many of my friends just before my mission. This is just one example of many lies I have told that I have confessed.

• STEAL: When I was a child around seven, I stole my Grandmothers camera from off the top of her fridge. I took the remaining pictures on the roll, and then when I tried to open the camera to get the pictures out I learned that you have to develop them first, but in learning this I ruined the roll by exposing it to light. I got caught, and this coupled with other experiences led my parents to send me to counseling for “kleptomania” I was young and don’t remember anything about it except that I kind of had a crush on my therapist. The therapy didn’t work because I grew up only maximizing my ability to steal. I had several jobs in high school, and quickly learned how to take from my employers without getting caught. I stole a lot of money. A lot. I think the actual term is embezzlement. What was really odd about this is that I would keep track of all of the money that I took, with the intention of someday paying it back. That was my justification. When I finally confessed this sin I had racked up a total of nearly $20,000 that I had recorded stealing over my illustrious 3-year working career. In order to go on my mission my parents helped me to get a loan and pay back all five of the places I had stolen from. My mission was delayed about six months as I had to convince each one to provide a letter saying they would not pursue criminal charges.

• ASSORTED WICKEDNESS: There are other things not quite appropriate for the blog, or that I will save for a later history post, but the above isn’t everything. It’s just enough to give you a glimpse.

Claire and I talk a lot. So much so that it makes Calvin jealous. I have touched on many of these topics with her before. Last night, however, we had it out and I fully confessed each and every thing I ever did. She did the same but her worst things were lying to her mom about seeing an R rated movie and ditching school. I finished talking and Claire did her thing about listening and making me just feel comfortable. We finished talking last night at 4:30 in the morning. I have never felt comfortable telling a girl all of the things I told Claire.

For being seeming self righteous on the surface, Claire was incredibly complimentary and understanding. Even with Andrea and Sanders I never would have been able to open up like this. When I was driving home I felt really good about our serious heart-to-heart. I know that on our blog Calvin and I display plenty of gay tendencies so you may take this the wrong way, but the things I told Claire, I have only told Calvin. I decided that that is pretty special and that if I am going to be with someone I should be able to tell them all the things I tell Calvin.

I have decided I am going to make my move on Claire. I’m not sure when... probably this weekend. It’s going to take some courage, but I just feel like this might be a bit of a sign as to what I should do. It puts Claire out ahead of Andrea by quite a bit.

Jake

Greatest Giveaway Ever!

Jake and I have been talking lately about how awesome it would be to have another Giveaway, except this time we could giveaway an X-box or PS3 or an iPhone 4G or something. Even though we'd love to give away stuff like that, we also realize that we only have five or ten male readers.

I mean, it's possible that some of our girl readers are cute enough to have boyfriends who could benefit from a sweet X-box Giveaway, but it really would just be mean to give a girl an X-box. You're probably asking, "Why would it be mean, Calvin?" Well, because then a bunch of guys would end up using you for your X-box. I don't want to get into the whole "self-esteem" complications that could arise from guys taking advantage of your gaming system, but it's bound to happen.

So we decided the best Giveaway we could do would be to giveaway something that will make you hotter. That's right. We think that girls could always be just a little bit more attractive. And who wouldn't want to be more attractive to members of the opposite sex? (Don't answer that if you're gay or lesbian.)

We did a Shabby Apple dress Giveaway a while back and it seemed to go over pretty well. Except for the fact that the winner didn't like the dress and ended up returning it for the cash, we considered it a success.

It's time for another MBP giveaway. That's right. We have something else to giveaway that will make it easier for guys to look at you for a longer period of time. Have you ever wished your hair was longer? Have you ever got a haircut that ended up being too short and you thought it would be easier to just kill yourself than wait for your hair to grow out? Well drain the hot bath and put the razor blades away. We're giving away HAIR EXTENSIONS!

You would pay anywhere from $800-$1000 for this in a salon. But because we're so awesome, we're giving it away for free (though you should probably still leave April an awesome tip).

The next couple of sentences mean absolutely nothing to me, but I'm going to type them anyway. The hair extensions are done with the Euro Locs method. 100% Remy Human Hair (not from homeless people or carcasses). No glue, heat, sewing, braiding or chemicals during the application or touch-up. And the work is guaranteed.

Let me just say that if I was a a girl or gay or named Aaron, I would LOVE to win this giveaway. But I'm non of those things (arguably) so I won't be entering.

How To Enter:

1. Leave a comment on this post telling us that you want to enter the giveaway.

2. If you want to be entered again, follow April on twitter. Her name is @urhairsucks. She tweets different discounts and deals on hair styles on a regular basis. You won't regret it.

3. If you want to be entered AGAIN then follow us. Yup, you read that right. Follow our blog so Jake and I can high-five after every new follower embarrasses themselves by officially following our blog.

4. And finally, if you want a fourth entry, just mention our blog and bitchin' Giveaway on Facebook or Twitter.

Remember that you need to leave a separate comment for each entry.

You have until 11:59 on June 25th to enter.

If you live outside of Utah, you can still enter the giveaway. If you win you have a couple of options. The winner has six months to "cash in" the prize. If you'll be in Utah anytime in the next six months, you can collect it yourself. If you know someone in Utah, you can give it to them. Awesome, right? Totally awesome. If you don't have any friends anywhere and you're selfish and want the prize all to yourself, you could also just wait until airfare to Utah is cheap. It might be worth it to you to spend a couple hundred bucks to fly to Utah to get a $1000 worth of horizontal hair action.

Or have your parents pay for your flight. Sample conversation:

You: Mom, I was thinking about how great it would be to satiate my soul by actually attending General Conference this year, but I can't afford to fly to Utah. (sigh) I guess I'll just keep praying for a miracle.

Your Mom: I'm so proud of your mature desire to see the Prophet in person. I'd love to help build your testimony and strengthen your spirit by paying for you to fly to Utah in October.

When you get home your mom will think you were so spiritually edified that it caused your hair to grow eight inches.

Good luck!

Calvin

Contact April Dolato
623 E. Fort Union (North side between Golden Corral and the fire station)
Sandy, Utah
801-712-5627

MBP Readers get 10% off all cut, color, perms (if people still do that anymore) and extensions. Pretty much everything. Except waxing. April doesn't do waxing.

World Cup and Stuff

It's no secret I love soccer. Seen my avatar? (look left). So I get excited to watch the World Cup, as excited as the next guy. Well the next soccer-loving guy. Calvin couldn't care less really. When I tried to explain to him how France qualified for the World Cup and Ireland didn't because France scored off of a "handball" Calvin asked, "Okay, and what's wrong with that?" How he could have served his mission in a country like Ireland and not understand its simple rules might seem baffling to you, but that's Calvin. If it doesn't interest him, it doesn't exist.

So anyway, I love the World Cup, of course. It makes watching Sports Center a little bit more worth it. It has great commercials, everything is so epic, like the world revolves around the sun only because soccer exists or something. Plus it provides some good soccer. I hate the guys who tweet throughout each entire game, and write stuff like "Goooooaaaaaaaaallllllll!!!!" Geez that's annoying. Also, if I wasn't already watching the game and I was interested enough to get a tweet every freaking time someone scored or got a yellow card I would be following the game online or something rather that waiting for your stupid tweet mimicking some South American game announcer.

Having said all that, I am not the type of guy to watch every single World Cup game. I love soccer and all but, a game (between French cheater-faces and I-can't-even-remember-I-was-so-bored) that ends in a 0-0 tie makes me wish I could only watch the 3 minute highlight reel.

So, Claire invited me to this World Cup party last Saturday, which started at 5am! That's 30 minutes earlier than I wake up for work. The thought of getting up that early on a Saturday makes my head hurt. But... it was Claire, and I like to perpetuate myself as someone who's always down to party. Besides I really did want to watch the USA vs England game. Claires World Cup party boasted an HD projector. Calvin has a nice 32 inch LCD that he bought when we moved into this house which is a little on the small side especially for watching soccer.

So Claire picks me up and we head over to this guys house. There were about 7 people there at 5:30. Four guys, me, Claire and one other girl. I invited my roommates, but they didn't have a crush on Claire fogging their judgment to make them think waking up so friggin' early on a Saturday morning was a good idea.

This dude has a killer theater room in his place (or rather his parents place). They even have those light ropes in the floor lining the walkways. Claire and I ended up in the front on one of the love sacs. There was an early goal which we all got to cheer for, and then Claire fell asleep next to me.

I fell asleep. I think everyone did, except for one guy. (The crazy tweeter-watch-every-game-and-brag-about-it-doucher I was referring to earlier.) The love sac helped me and Claire to get really close as we both sunk into the middle. I love Luv Sac's. We slept all morning even through to the next World Cup game that started at 8am.

It was awesome, I would wake up periodically. Claire got more and more comfortable and nuzzled my neck. Her hair smelled awesome. It was actually the most physical Claire and I had ever gotten. I was loving it, of course, and it was all very innocent... as physical contact goes.

More people started showing up, their chatter and salutations woke me up for good. I watched the end of the Argentina/Nigeria game. It was pretty blah. Basically we were watching Messi running circle around people and trying to score, never delivering. I found myself thinking more about my Claire/Andrea situation. I set the alarm in my phone for a month from Andrea's wedding cancellation last week to call her. My mind was spinning I will attempt the best I can to recreate in written format my thought process as I lay there.

- Hopefully Andrea wants to try to make it work again for the two of us - I do - But what if she does and I am two weeks into a relationship with Claire? - I could date them both - No, I don't think I could - Argentina should really be doing better than this - Claire looks really cute in jammys - If no one else were in the room I think I'd try to kiss her - I haven't even told her how I feel yet - I think she'd deny my kiss attempt - good thing there are people here - where are those pretzels? - I don't want to just be Claires rebound - I don't believe in rebounds - That incessant buzzing noise is driving me crazy - Really, Claire and Andrea are both coming out of something - Do I really want to deal with that? - I think I could deal with it - The USA game doesn't start for 2 more hours? - I don't think I can sleep - I hope Claire doesn't want to sleep that whole time - Andrea is prettier than Claire - Claire is more grown up even though they're the same age - Andrea worries more than Claire - Claire is a little more superficial and judgmental - Being Claire's rebound would be good if Andrea did decide she wants me - unless after spending a month with Claire I suddenly have stronger feelings for her than Andrea - I need to fart - Claire won't notice if she's sleeping -

fffrrrrtttt

- Good one (sigh) I don't think that'll stink - so who would I pick, Andrea or Claire? - If I knew for certain I could have either one? - Would having kissed Claire influence that choice? - Maybe I should make sure I kiss Claire before I call Andrea - Andrea is a good kisser - I remember how fun it was to kiss her - kissing her - kissing her - kissing her - Uh oh, I'd better re-adjust, don't want Claire feeling my excitement - Maybe I do? - No, not like this - I really wish Nigeria would score - I hope the US wins today too - I don't think they will - I think England will beat them 2 to 1 - Oh yeah, I was going to re-adjust - Actually I don't have to now -

Guy behind me says, "Holy frick, who farted? That was a good one, that you Jake?" I replied, "Nope I think I'm too close to the ground, I don't smell it." They laughed.

- I guess it smells worse than I thought - Claire is stirring - I really want to kiss Claire - she looks like she'd be a great kisser - I love how her lips stick together for a split second before she talks -

I watch her lips stick together for a split second before she says, "It smells like boy butt in here." Then she buries her face further into my neck.

I'm not going to confess or deny the fart - she'll be asleep in a flash anyway - yep, she's asleep again - Where are those pretzels? - I just had them? - 2 minutes left in this game - maybe I should ask Claire what she wants to do before the USA game - maybe suggest a walk to Jamba Juice - oh wait maybe it's raining - is it raining still? - I haven't been near a window for almost 4 hours - Where are those pretzels? - Maybe someone else has them - no - I don't see them anywhere - I bet Andrea is watching this game somewhere too - she used to come watch my soccer games - Claire probably wouldn't ever come watch a game - what if my sons play soccer I want my wife to go their games - comparing them isn't really fair - Andrea was a relationship I screwed up - Claire is a relationship I haven't really started yet - I would pick Andrea - of course I would, we have more history - the game is over - only one point from the mighty Argentina? -

I say, "Only one point from the mighty Argentina."

Claire wakes up and says, "I'm hungry, you want to go to Jamba Juice or something?"

Hmm, that's weird - Screw the pretzels -

Jake