Meet the Competition

I realized while writing this post, that I make a lot of obscure Mormon references. We are planning on putting together our own MBP list of Mormon definitions, but in the meantime, please use this link.

While I was in a super boring Sunday School class yesterday, I started exchanging text messages with Tori. She was apologizing profusely for canceling our date(s) last weekend. She asked if I'd come over after church and hang out... maybe play some games with her family. I thought it sounded like a great idea... except for the "family games" part. I figured the chances were slim I'd get to make out with her while her parents and younger siblings were playing UNO around the same table. Sometimes I wish I was confident enough to do one of those "table sweeps" where I sweep everything off the table and then throw a girl on top of the table and start making out. Doing it in front of her family would be the epitome of confident displays.

I got home after church and was getting ready to change into my p-day clothes before I left to go to Tori's. Then I thought, "Uh oh. What if they're one of those families who wear their church clothes all day long so they don't forget to keep the Sabbath Day holy?" I really didn't want to show up to Tori's wearing jeans and a wife beater so I sent her a text that said, "What should I wear?" About 15 seconds later I got her reply, "Comfortable shoes." I couldn't decide if she was being funny or if she really wanted me to wear a certain type of shoe. Well, Tori lives in East Bountiful... kind of up by the temple so I figured maybe she wanted to go on a hike or something since she's at the base of a mountain. So I changed into some hiking clothes that could also pass for Sunday Afternoon kickback attire and left.

When I got to her house I was invited in by her little brother. He said Tori was downstairs and that I should go ahead and go down. I pretended I wasn't familiar with the basement as I got to the bottom of the stairs. To my left, there was a TV room and it looked like most of her family were sitting in the chairs watching TV. Tori was in a different area of the large TV room and she was wearing this sleeveless shirt and some Track Bottoms... you know those bottoms that have button snaps up and down both legs? Her dad looked over from his chair and yells, "You must be Calvin." I thought about going over to shake his hand, but he was already staring back at the TV and didn't look like he was interested in standing up so I just yelled, "I am. Nice to meet you."

Tori and I engaged in some small talk for a little while during her stretching. It was pretty arousing to just sit there and watch her stretch. I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to be doing. Then she started explaining the names of her stretches. After a few more minutes, Tori said, "Can you help me with this one?". I said "sure" a little too loudly and fervently, cause her dad looked over to see what was going on.

Tori laid on her back and put her arms out to her side, palms down. Then she lifted her legs up so her body and legs are at a 90 degree angle. She asked me straddle her body (standing up, unfortunately) and slowly nudge her legs to the left or right or straight. Apparently, the idea is that she doesn't let her legs touch the ground, thereby giving her abs a workout.

As I stood there pushing her legs from side to side, I noticed her Track Bottoms were sliding down her legs, exposing her bare calves. After six or seven pushes, I was actually grabbing onto her bare legs with my hands... and I'm pretty sure my hands were cold and clammy. Blast. Her legs were smooth, though. I hope she didn't notice the moistness of my palms. Or maybe she did and was flattered that I was nervous. Who knows?

What I DO know is that her dad kept glancing over as I was light petting his daughters legs below the knee. I stalled a few times while I was holding her legs, pretending I was thinking about an answer to a question. Really, I was just stalling so I could hold onto her legs. I'm pretty sure she noticed.

After 20 reps, Tori says, "Your turn!" Oh man. I laid down on my back and tried to position my hands the same way she had. Then I hear the TV turn off. I was like, "Crap. What is everyone doing?" Her mom and sister turned around on the couch they were sitting on and started watching. I tried to lift my legs up like she had, but I could only get them to about a 45 degree angle. This is when I started to get embarrassed. I am sooooo not flexible. Tori says, "Is that as high and you can get them?" I say, "Yeah. That's it." She told me to bend my knees a little bit in order to get my legs up higher. Once my legs were as high as I could get them, Tori nudges my legs to the right and I totally flipped over. Not only did my legs hit the carpet... I couldn't even get them off the ground to the original position. Her mom and sister started laughing and then I heard her dad say, "What's so funny?" and I heard his freakin' Lay-Z-Boy chair fold up.

So now the whole family is watching Tori shove my legs as hard as she possible can (at least it felt like it) toward the ground. After about three of them, it felt like Andre the Giant had punched me in the stomach right after I'd eaten a huge dinner on a Fast Sunday. I wanted to die. I think I did a pretty good job of laughing at myself, though. I said something like, "Man this makes me wish I'd driven instead of running here. I guess I must be tired or something."

After I had been sufficiently mortified, Tori tells me that we're going for a jog and that's why she'd told me to wear comfortable shoes. We went outside and started to jog toward the Bountiful Temple. Before we even got out of her subdivision (and I'm not exaggerating), we passed three different guys who carried on 5 minute conversations with her while I was standing there... not being introduced. They were all her friends who just happened to live on her street. And they were all pretty good looking dudes, in my opinion.

When we finally got some time to ourselves, she explained how she'd grown up with all of those guys and they were all either waiting for mission calls or turning in their papers for their mission. Even though they're all leaving soon, I still found myself slightly intimidated by all of the attention she was getting from them. I guess I should be prepared for competition and spontaneous work-outs and exercising, right? I mean, she's a BYU-H cheerleader, after all.

Things got much, much better after we got to the temple and slowed things down a bit. We walked around, held hands, and kissed for a while. Luckily, I had some of those Liquorice Altoids in my pocket and she likes black liquorice so it was significantly more pleasurable than the Greek food and Sprite. It was a good thing we were in a situation where we couldn't be horizontal, though. Those button snaps aren't enough to hold me back.

-Calvin

The Burden of Anonymity

It's my turn to write a post, and I got nothing. When Calvin came up with this idea, I honestly thought it would die out in a couple months. Instead it blew up, and the attention is altogether overwhelming. It might be really exciting if I was getting famous. If I could capitalize on all of the attractive nubile women commenting on our posts and joining our Facebook group that would really justify all this.

Instead I am walking around secretly hoping that someone someday will suspect me and accuse me of writing the Mormon Bachelor Pad. I can't wait for that day.

I was at Church today and the Sunday School lesson was sooooo boring. I wasn't sitting by my roommates, I got stuck sitting between this Korean girl who was fresh enough off the boat that I don't think she's learned about the concept of the daily American shower, and Shelly, who we in the house very affectionately call "Shelly smelly belly full of smelly Jelly Shelly" She is not actually smelly, and technically she doesn't even have a belly. She is just fat everywhere so that her belly is swallowed up in her fatness. It's a shame because Shelly is really nice, and has a cute enough face that I think if she lost 120-140 lbs she might be like a 7.

Anyway, it was hot and I was tired from my uneventful weekend of staying up late watching the first 3 seasons of Lost for the first time (a life changing experience), So when the Bishopric Secretary came into Sunday School to slyly call someone out into the hallway for a meeting, I just stood up and exited the room. I wandered the halls for a bit and ended up upstairs in the big tabled area of the institute.

As I reached the top of the stairs I heard a girl say "Mormon Bachelor Pad" amidst some mumbled chatter. I looked over to see a group of 5 girls and one guy sitting around a round table. There were about 15 other random people sitting in different spots around that open area. So I coyly sat in one of the soft chairs nearby, picked up a Book of Mormon and pretended to read it in order to eavesdrop on their conversation.

A blonde girl was saying, "...and Chrissy totally wants to be rated. She actually chatted with Calvin on Facebook for like an hour." The guy asked, "So how do you know they are even guys? Or what if they are like 40 or even 50?" I thought his emphasis on the 10 year age difference was a little bit funny. Then this other blondie said, "We don't. It could be you for all we know..." Then she raised her eyebrow at him and said, "...are you sure your name is Ryan? Or should I call you, Jake?" "Ryan laughed and said, "If it's not a 40 year old woman, it's definitely a gay dude. I am not gay."

They blabbed about gayness for a while and proposition 8, and then got off on their Second Councilor and how inappropriate some of his comments were sometimes. I didn't think they'd make it back to talking about MBP until Ryan said, "So none of you guys asked to be rated." Each of the girls shook their head, and the blonde said, "No, but if they do rate some girls on their blog I am totally gonna read about it." Ryan responded, "If they really are RM's they're definitely gonna use this rating thing to hook up with some girls." All were in agreement and then blondie said, "There is no way they are going to be honest. If some girls that just aren't very cute get rated it's not like they're gonna say, 'Hey, you're a 3 because your nose is huge and you're fat.'" This Brunette girl disagreed, "I think they will. No one knows who they are, what do they have to be afraid of?"

Ryan asked, "Really? ...Really!? Would they really say something like that?" He laughed, "That'd be so funny!" There was some debate. The blonde said, "Yeah, Ryan, you should read this blog. I would love to hear what you think? You know, if guys really think like these two." Just then, I noticed Calvin and Aaron walking towards me with a couple of chicks from our ward. I got up and walked downstairs with them.

I was pretty astonished that I overheard complete strangers talking about our blog. I wanted to jump into their conversation and play the devils advocate on a couple of topics. I formulated all my points in my head which all would have been a lot of fun. I was too nervous, though. Nervous that by interjecting they would somehow know that I was, in fact, Jake.

So far, Calvin and I have not actually responded to anyone's request to be rated. We have received so many requests that we figured we better be sort of organized about it, and make an event of it so that it isn't something we have to feel pressured to do for the rest of the time our blog is in existence.

HERE IS WHAT WE HAVE DECIDED TO DO. (Sorry for the "all caps" thing I know that makes it seem like I'm yelling, I am not, I just wanted to make sure everyone is clear about this.) We will rate anyone who asks to be rated. We will NOT rate people just because they are our facebook friend. (I mean, we're guys and we will rate you simply for existing. However we will not make it know to you unless you request it.) We will do the ratings two ways.

First, girls will only be rated on the LOS.

Second, we will give you two options to being rated.

• Option 1: Private - Send an email to mormonbachelorpad@gmail.com (even if you've already requested a rating) with "rate me privately" in the subject line. During the week of Christmas we will send you an email back with Calvin and I's rating of you.
• Option 2: Public - Send us an email to mormonbachelorpad@gmail.com (even if you've already requested a rating) with "rate me publicly" in the subject line. On Christmas Day we will make a blog post where we will post your first name, picture of our choice from your Facebook account, and our rating of you.

I know some of you are thinking, "Who would seriously let these jokers rate them on the world wide web?" We have received numerous, numerous requests and when we've asked if we could do it publicly about 20% have responded "yes." I would hope everyone pays close attention to our rating scale disclaimer at the bottom of this post.

You're also probably thinking "Why December?" Hopefully that gives you an indication of how many requests we've received.

I've realized that if we were revealed as the actual writers right now, it probably wouldn't matter that much, but after we start rating girls (and with each story we tell,) it will become more and more paramount that we never reveal who we are. Because we will be completely honest. That is, after all, the purpose of this blog - an honest look into the minds of two men. No... not every man, just us two men.

It sucks because a lot of you are really cute. The burden of doing this is that we cannot, and will not ever be able to use this blog to meet girls... at least not any way I can see.

Jake

ps Some details of the overheard conversation were altered slightly. Also, we assumed that similar conversations are happening all across the globe (cocky?)... so we're pretty sure our anonymity will still be intact following this post... hopefully.

Make a Move

Since my last post, several people have asked the same question (or made the same statement), which was, "How did you get out of Tori's house while everyone was sleeping?" or "I gotta know how you snuck out of there." Well, I purposely skipped that part of my recap because it was so uneventful. I agree that it would have been awesome if I'd gotten caught (not because I enjoy confrontation, but because it would have made an awesome addition to my blog post), but I didn't. Tori's room is the only room in her basement. After she'd fallen asleep, I did what she told me to do which was tip-toe up the stairs, grab my shoes, and go out the front door. That's exactly what I did... and nobody caught me.

To be honest, though, I don't know how I would have reacted. I'm trying to envision the confrontation and I don't think I'd have even felt nervous or uncomfortable if I'd been caught. I was in such a state of joy and Cloud 9'ness, that if her dad would have been waiting for me at the top of the stairs, I'd probably have grabbed the sides of his face with both hands, kissed both of his cheeks and said, "Your daughter is amazing" and then left.

I went to lunch with Tori yesterday. We've been exchanging beautifully flirtatious texts all week long and I've been able to talk to her almost every day when I call my dad. I actually asked my dad if he would be my wingman yesterday. I told him that I wanted to bring him lunch in exchange for him hooking me up. Our plan was, I would bring him lunch around noon. Then he'd "happen" to walk out of his office while I was talking with Tori at her desk. The line I wrote for him was, "If you don't have to get back to work, Calvin, you should take Tori to lunch. She really likes Greek food, don't you Tori?"

My dad told me several times that he wanted to just say his own thing... like, be himself. I told my dad that he's not very convincing with stuff like that and I was sure Tori would know it was planned. Little did I know, my dad is even worse at delivering scripted lines. He walked out right on cue and said his line perfectly. But it sounded so fake. Even worse, though, was he was looking at Tori for the first half of his line and then he switched his gaze to me for the second half. So it was, (looking at Tori) "If you don't have to get back to work, Calvin, you should take Tori to lunch" (not bad so far, but then he switched his gaze to me) "She likes Greek food, don't you Tori?" Tori started laughing like crazy.

We went to a picnic table by her work to eat our delicious food from Chicken Express. About halfway through lunch, Tori called me out on the whole "date setup daddy dialogue" thing. She sat next to me instead of across from me which surprised me a little bit. We were eating our lunch and she starts playing footsies with me. I don't know what it is about footsies, but it's always so much more fun before you've kissed. We kept on talking and our feet (my left leg and her right leg) were gently rubbing. It progressed quickly from our feet to our lower legs. It was kind of chilly so it's possible that she was just trying to keep warm by using friction, but it's more likely that she was pretending our legs were our tongues and they were rubbing and tapping and sliding around under the table. It was great. Then she says, "Did you tell your dad to say that?" I was like, "I have no idea what you're talking about." She started laughing and asked, "What are you gonna do if your dad isn't around? How are you ever gonna make any moves?" I thought I had done pretty well on our first date, but apparently Tori had forgotten that my dad wasn't there while I was playing with her hair.

I said, "I can make moves without my dad's help." She started laughing all cute-like again. I said, "I can. I'm serious." At that point I started wondering if she was giving me green lights to kiss her. I looked around the park and all I saw was a mom and her kids on the colorful play equipment. Our legs were still intertwined. Tori said, "Go ahead then. Make a move, Calvin." I thought briefly about doing one of those fake stretches and putting my arm around her, but then I saw that she was just staring at me... like maybe she was waiting for something. I really started to think it was a green light so I did another scan around the park... I'm not really sure what I was looking for. Maybe my dad. I turned back to her and started to move in for the kiss. She smiled and pulled back. For 3 full seconds I felt like the worlds biggest jackass. What I didn't realize was that while I was scanning the park she had taken a bite of her pita bread. She saw the look on my face and said, "Hang on, Calvin." She started chewing really quickly and then she reached for her Sprite. She was smiling as she took a swig and started swishing it around in her mouth. I'm sure I looked like an idiot just staring at her. She raised her eyebrows as she swallowed through her smile. Then she scooted closer to me and said, "Ok. I'm ready, Calvin. Make a move." So I did.

It was short and it tasted like Greek food and Sprite, but it was pretty awesome. I asked her out for tonight and she said, "Of course, Calvin. I'd love to." We finished eating and then I took her back to work.

So... you're probably wondering, "Calvin... why are you home so early? Why aren't you out with Tori?" Well, she called me a few hours ago and canceled. She had already committed to a farewell party for one of her guy friends and she said she'd forgotten about it because of my amazing womanizing and kissing technique. I guess he's going on his mission next week or something. I asked if she wanted to move it to tomorrow, but I guess a different friend is having a birthday party or something and they're gonna be hot tubbing. She obviously felt really bad and invited me to come along with her tonight AND tomorrow, but I declined. I didn't really want to distract her from hanging out with friends she's had for years. I'm afraid she'd feel like she needed to entertain me or something. I told her we could just set something up for next week and she said she was available so I guess we'll have to wait and see.

-Calvin

Ratings and Wedding Gifts

There might be a handful of you wondering if there are any updates in my dating life. No, not really. I have not spoken to or seen Andrea since our phone call. I also haven't seen or heard from Harper since our little episode the other day. I did get a job though. Selling satellite TV door-to-door. After my first two days... it's kind of like being on the mish I need a vast knowledge of TV programming instead of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Honoring the request of one of our readers in our last post has lead to numerous people requesting to be rated by me and Calvin. This comes with a great deal of pressure. We've always said that "6" is average... but that means for every "9", there has to be a "3". Who am I to tell a girl she is a 3? She would never recover from that whether I'm anonymous or not, and I would probably have a fairly uncomfortable conversation at the Judgment Seat about ruining her life.

In reality no one should care what we rate them. We are, after all, just two men who are very willing to admit we are only 6's ourselves. Truth be told though... people will care. People will be upset and people will be disappointed that we would stoop so low and be so shallow. That's kind of what this blog is all about, so, we will rate anyone who asks. We will be completely honest, and we will only do it publicly if they request it. Before we do that, we decided that the Mormon Bachelor Pad should be very specific in describing exactly how we rate women. See here.

Last night Calvin and I went to our old roommate Bryson's wedding reception. It was a pretty surreal experience. I mean the guy was living in our house, pretending to sleepwalk and eat Calvin's cookies in the middle of the night just a couple months ago. Now he is married, and let's be honest... he's going to be having sex tonight, if he hasn't already. All shock aside... Bryson is actually going to lose his virginity before me. I am happy for the guy.

Calvin and I didn't know what to get them for their wedding. We were at Wal-Mart buying eggnog (yep they started selling it the day after Halloween!) and I had an epiphany. No one ever buys anything for the guy. It's always, like, kitchen stuff and chick junk. So Calvin and I went over to the Hardware section and bought a shovel and a rake. At $8 a piece that fit into our limited budget perfectly.

We added a little bow around the handle of each garden tool and took it to the reception. It was just in a Ward house Cultural center. A nice modest little shin dig. There were no hot girls there. Bummer. So we grabbed a paper cup of chalky mints and bailed. Bryson looked happy... I wonder when it'll be my day and I wonder who will be taking the bow-tied shovel to who first, me or Calvin.

Jake

Interview

Here at the MBP we have been receiving a lot of email. More than anything we get questions from you readers about us. Sometimes we get caught up enough in our stories that we forget to fill you in on the little things. So we decided to respond to one of these emails with this post. (Thanks "S" for the questions.)

1. Do you guys care if the girls you date are smart? Are you interested in what they are studying?
J: Of course I care. I think the key word in this question is "date".
C: I want them to be smart, but not smarter than me. If they DO happen to be smarter than me, I need them to fake it just a little bit until we've been out a few times. I don't care what they're studying as long as they're studying me. BAM!
J: Ha ha, you know I would love it if a girl was smarter than me... I just don't think that's possible.
C: What... you don't think a girl exists who's smarter than you?
J: I'm sure there are like a bakers dozen in the world that are smarter then me. I just doubt the chances I'll meet them are good, and then if I do, the chances they'll be attractive are even worse.
C: Um... what about spelling and grammar? I think there are a bakers dozen in the world who are worse than you.
J: Well, yeah, but what does that have to do with them being smart?
C: I don't know dude. I don't know.

2. When do you start praying if a girl could possibly be "the one"?
C: If a girl gets past 6 weeks or so, I usually start trying to think ahead a bit.
J: If she fits 80% of my "Values for Wife" list and we have had a DTR, and the result of that DTR is that we shall date exclusively, and after having been exclusive for a few weeks she isn't annoying, and if I am willing to talk to her during a show that I am watching without requesting that she wait for a commercial break then, if I can find a time when I'm not very tired because if I'm tired, then my prayer would be worthless because I would probably fall asleep mid-prayer and wake up 6 hours later still kneeling by the side of my bed with a wicked gnarly kink in my neck... then, of course I would pray. I am Mormon.

3. Would you consider, or have you ever dated mormon girls who weren't white? Or is that all that they have in Utah?
J: I have pretty much every kind of "racist sounding fever" there is. I was so disappointed when I moved to Utah and every girl was white.
C: No. I haven't. I have dated girls who weren't white, but they were Mormon.
J: What?
C: Well, Jake, she's asking if I've ever dated a Mormon girl who was NOT white. I said that I have dated Non-Mormons who were white, but not vice versa.
J: Oh, ok. I get it.
C: Good. It's not that hard.
J: Wait. I still don't get it.
C: Have you dated Mormon girls who weren't white? ... I'm asking you that question.
J: Yeah. I have.
C: Well, I haven't. I've dated non-whites, but none of them were Mormon. So they don't meet both criteria in her question.
J: But you said, "I have dated girls who weren't white, but they were Mormon." That's exactly what she was asking.
C: No I didn't.
J: Dude. I just scrolled up and I copied and pasted your answer exactly. That IS what you said.
C: Whatever.

4. If a girl broke up with you because she prayed and felt impressed you should stop dating would you believe her?
J: Um... I don't know. A girl has never broken up with me.
C: Yeah. Me neither. Sorry. Hypothetically speaking, though, I'd probably follow-up with her and try to find out exactly what she said in her prayer. I mean, maybe she asked "Is Calvin the one for me?" and she felt like the answer was "No". Well, what does that mean exactly... "the one for me"? Maybe I'm not the one to take her to Frightmares at Lagoon, but I might be the one for her to marry. Who knows?

5. Do you think it is cool if a girl can grapple (knows jui-jitsu)?
C: I'm not sure what jui-jitsu is exactly, but I'm sure it has a lot to do with flexibility and stamina. That's kind of intimidating. I think it's cool, though, so my answer to your question would be "yes".
J: Cool? I don't know... Grappling is like wrestling which could lead to a gentle tussle and then possibly a um... I can't think of nice way to say it. A horizontal make-out. So, so long as she isn't always karate chopping me and sweeping the leg. Then I guess it could be cool.

6. Are you ever too intimidated by a girl's looks to ask her out or approach her?
C: All the time. I've always wondered what I'd be like if I was ever at one of those costume balls, like in the olden days when everyone wore those half-face masks that are all bedazzled and glittery and stuff. I think I'd be a womanizer at one of those things.
J: I pretend that I don't approach hot girls because I want her to "think" I am not interested... that I'm "playing the game," but truthfully I am terrified of them. I just say that so people wont know I'm a wuss.

7. If your patriarchal blessings speak about your future wives, do you guys ever think about it when you are dating a girl, if she meets that criteria?

J: Certainly, I picture her in white too, sitting across the altar and all that stuff. They teach you to do that way back in Deacons Quorum so... I may be incapable of dating a girl without doing those things.
C: My blessing is pretty specific about my future wife so I use it as a mold for every girl I come in contact with. Not only girls that I date, but girls that Jake dates... girls that Nick dates... girls that Aaron dates. I don't do it with Lance's girls, though, cause I'm pretty sure my wife will need to be wearing white at our wedding.

8. My last question, if I sent you guys some pictures would you "rate" me?
J: Actually, no need to send anything. We're now your Facebook friend so just let me quickly peruse your photo's. Hang on...
C: I've already looked at all of your photo's so I'm prepared to rate you right now. Let me check my notes... ok... you don't have hundreds of photos so my opinion could change if I was given more photos to look at... or maybe some video. It looks like in most of your pictures you're about a 7 or so. However, you have 3 photos where you're easily a 9. That tells me that you are either really hot, but take bad photos... or you're pretty hot with the potential to be really hot if the lighting is just right.
J: 7... and a half. 7.5 is my rating. That does not include personality at all. So there's a good chance if I got to know you and included your personality, you could end up a high 9 overall. However, since I don't know you really, there's as good of a chance adding personality could drop you to a low 4, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Thanks again for your questions "S". I hope we answered them to your liking.

-Jake
-Calvin

First Date Deets

Long Post Alert

I've been on a lot of dates in my life. Some good. Some bad. Most mediocre. I realize I have a lot of first dates in my future (probably) but I can safely say that my first date with Tori on Friday night was the best first date of my entire life. Maybe even the best date ever... first or otherwise.

One of the best parts of our evening was the fact that I had spoken with Tori about all of my "first date" preparations. It made for easy dialogue throughout the night. For example, when we were walking into the restaurant for dinner, as we stepped onto the curb from the parking lot and into the front doors, I made my first physical contact of the evening. I gently placed my hand on the small of her back... only for a few seconds. (On Thursday, when I talked to Tori on the phone, I mentioned that I usually get pretty nervous when it comes to physical flirtation. I explained how I'm pretty good with the flirty conversations, but I freeze up when verbal flirting turns to physical flirting. She seemed surprised that I was telling her what to expect on our first date, but also seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the honesty. I told her that I'd at least put my hand on her back a few times to warm her up. She said something like, "Well... that's a good start.")

So after we had spoken to the hostess, Tori looked at me, smiled, leaned in little bit and asked, "Did you put your hand on my back as we were coming in?" She moved out far enough to see me nod my head in feigned embarrassment. She leaned back in. "Nice move, Calvin." I replied, "Thanks. It was harder than I made it look."

Conversation was great during dinner. I don't think I realized just how popular she is. She only graduated from high school a few months ago and so she still hangs out with all of her high school friends... like, all the time. I acted like I cared about her friends even though I really just wanted to hear about her. I asked a lot of questions and I tried really hard to listen to and absorb her answers. I wanted to be able to ask more specific questions later on that night just to point out how attentive I'd been to our original conversation.

After dinner we went to Laffing Stock. I like to take dates there pretty often so I can get a feel for their sense of humor as well as hear their genuine, intense belly laugh. It worked perfectly. Tori was laughing at everything that I was laughing at. She really got a kick out of the bodily function humor, which was definitely a plus. Several times during the show, I scanned her arm/hand placement. I noticed early on that Tori had placed her hand on the armrest between us. No matter how much she laughed or how much she readjusted her position in the seat, Tori's hand was almost always in the same place. It was like it was screaming, "Hold me, Calvin. Reach out and put your hand on top of me... please!" I don't know why I didn't, but I was petrified. It was, like, the perfect hand-hold greenlight and I didn't take it. One time, near the end, I actually noticed her hand was palm up. Holy crap, Calvin! What's your problem?

The comedy show ended and Tori and I started walking the two blocks to my truck. We were talking quietly about the hilariousness of the show. I noticed that she was walking really close to me and her hand kept bumping into my hand. I got chills down my spine every time it bumped. Finally, when we were about 20 yards away from my truck, I went for it. As soon as my hand bumped hers, (with open fingers) she grabbed it and started laughing. "Holy cow, Calvin! What took you so long?" I started laughing (and blushing... thank goodness for darkness). "I'm so sorry, Tori. I'm such a spaz." "I was giving you some serious greenlights. Didn't you see them?" "I saw them, Tori. I don't know what my problem is." Just then we got to the truck. I took my keys out of my pocket and unlocked her door. She was waiting for me to open her door, but I just stood there looking at our intertwined fingers, both of us stroking each other's hands as best we could while still periodically squeezing the other's hand.

"What's the problem?" My reply: "Yeah. When I open your door, I'm going to have to let go of your hand. I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that yet." I realized after I'd said it that it must have sounded like I was the cheesiest, homo-est person in the world. Tori smiled at me and didn't say anything. I waited five seconds, sighed and opened her door. "Ok, Tori. I'm ready now." Tori climbed in the car, but when I tried to let go of her hand, she squeezed tighter preventing me from letting go. She looked up at me and said, "I'm not sure if I'm ready, either." Trust me. It sounds much stupider as I'm typing it, but at the time it was the most amazing thing she could have said.

She let go eventually and I asked if she wanted to come to my work. I told her that I had roof access and we could go to the top of my building for while and talk, since it was relatively early. We went to the roof of my building and we talked for about 45 minutes. It was a great opportunity for me to ask all of the follow up questions regarding her family and friends that I'd been planning. We got pretty cold, though, and the whole "let's go to the roof" thing was spontaneous so I didn't come prepared with a blanket (mental note: always have a blanket in the truck). We left and I started to drive her home.

On the way home, Tori remembered the other things I'd told her I do to prepare for first dates. She reached behind the passenger seat and found my Winnie the Pooh stuffed animal. (I always try to strategically place in my vehicle something from my childhood. It shows my date that I have a sensitive, child-like innocence. It also says that I have the capability to "attach" to something, and that ability to "attach" can easily transfer from an inanimate stuffed animal to a long-term, committed relationship.) She laughed at the lengths I was going to in order to impress her. Then I sprung a new one on her. I asked Tori if she would grab me a piece of gum out of the glove box. She opened it up and couldn't help but notice a laminated copy of my Patriarchal Blessing sitting atop my pack of Pina Colada Orbit. "What's this?", she asks. "Oh sorry, Tori. That must be the copy of my Patriarchal blessing that I carry around with me for when I'm having a bad day. Don't read it, though. It might say something about you." That was probably the highlight of the evening. She laughed like it was the funniest thing anyone had ever said to her.

When we got to her house, we ended up just sitting in the driveway talking. Tori lives with her parents and siblings so we didn't really have anywhere else to go. We sat there for another hour, talking, laughing, holding hands... sometimes even dozing it seemed. She was tickling the back of my hand and I was moving my thumb across her thumb. It was the most sensual episode of hand holding I've had since I got back from Ireland. I also had my right hand above her head rest playing with her hair. She was closing her eyes breathing deeply while I ran my fingers through her hair over and over.

After the hour had passed, we both looked at the clock and noticed it was approaching 2am. I told Tori that I should probably go and let her get some sleep. She didn't say anything. She just looked down at our hands. After a couple of minutes, without looking up, Tori said, "Calvin, can you do something for me? It might seem like a weird request, but just think about it before you answer." I answered, "Tori, this date has gone so amazingly well, you can ask me to do anything and I'll do it." She hesitated for a few seconds and then asked, "Will you come inside with me and play with my hair while I fall asleep?"

I did not hesitate in my reply. In fact, I think I might have started answering before she had finished asking the question. "There is nothing I would rather do than play with your hair while you fall asleep, Tori." I was filled with nervous excitement. I was so nervous I could barely hide my quivering voice.

I sat on a chair next to Tori's bed while she got ready. I didn't snoop. I just surveyed as best I could from my vantage point. It was a pretty surreal experience. I watched her take her pajama's into the bathroom. I heard her brushing her teeth. She came back into the room wearing a tank top and some long pink plaid bottoms. It was easily one of the sexiest things I'd ever seen. She laid down in bed and I sat on the edge of her bed and we started talking again. She smelled like toothpaste. I don't think I'll ever forget that. She kept telling me how much fun she had on our date. She told me that I'm better than my dad had said. She told me that I'm hilarious. She told me that she can't wait to see me again. Each one of these statements got quieter and quieter, until she stopped talking. I played with Tori's hair for a few more minutes and then I walked out to my truck. I actually sat in my truck for about 20 minutes trying to decide if I'd just dreamed the whole entire date... beginning to end.

I tried not to think about how many guys she'd invited to play with her hair in the past. In fact, it didn't even cross my mind until Jake asked me. I don't even want to know.

Calvin

Halloween Happened

We started Halloween downtown at Charlie Chows for all-you-can-eat Mongolian. At dinner we decided that Halloween, like New Years, wasn't just an opportunity to get dressed up and meet new people. It was a night that we needed to make out with somebody... anybody.

Lance and Aaron said they had booty calls they could always ring, but we determined that was cheating and that we had to have met them tonight. It was decided that those who did not make out would buy breakfast for those who did.

We got to our first party Downtown around 11:00pm, 10 minutes later the cops busted it... yep just for noise, this was afterall a MoMo party. So then we ended up at this huge Party in Sugarhouse. Seriously, there were like 700 people there. The house was tiny so we just hung out on the lawn. It was so big that guys who were dressed up as cops for Halloween were out directing traffic. Then around midnight, the real cops showed up and that party got shutdown, too.

We tried two other parties, but they sucked. Sucked in that they weren't very conducive to rolling around with strangers. We ended up sitting at Village Inn at 2 in the morning. Just the 5 of us.

We all paid for our own breakfast.

Jake

Yeah, I know you all want Calvin to write about Tori... he does have a life you know. He promises it will be up before noon tomorrow. It will be worth the wait if he writes it the way he tells it. I'm so lucky he's my best friend.... neener neener neener.