Monday, May 10, 2010

Tim Gone Wild

We got a new room mate this week. His name is Tim. We've had several people call about our ad on KSL, Yahoo, and our new one on Craig's List, but only a few people so far have actually come over for a tour. We haven't outlined any specific requirements in order to live in our house and we're wondering if that may actually be hurting us somehow. We've thought recently that maybe people would be more interested in living with us if we made ourselves sound more spiritually strict than we really are. Didn't a Prophet say something about how we marry the sames types of girls that we date? Well, if we want LDS roomies, maybe we should be specific in our ad that we're looking for spiritual giants.

Tim isn't a spiritual giant, but he's pretty cool. When he called, he asked if we'd object to him coming over and checking out our place. When I got home from taking my last final, I came in the back door and noticed Lance was heating up a Hot Pocket. I pretended to be interested in what Lance was saying as I casually went to the freezer to make sure Lance wasn't heating up one of my Hot Pockets. He wasn't. Then I wandered into the front room and noticed a complete stranger sitting on our couch watching TV. I've grown accustomed to strangers in our house. I always assume that the stranger is friends with one of my room mates, and so far I've always been correct in that assumption. I walked past the stranger and got on the computer to see if I had any messages from hotties on my LDSmingle account. Lance came into the room about five minutes later cradling his Hot Pocket on a paper towel. He sat on the opposite side of the couch from the stranger and started watching TV, as well.

Lance and I bantered a bit about whether or not I actually felt like it was possible for me to meet my Eternal Companion on the world wide web. The stranger laughed at our banter and occasionally contributed to our meaningless conversation. Aaron wandered in about 15 minutes later, sat on the bench and started opening his mail. Nobody was paying any special attention to the stranger on the couch.

Then Jake came in. He sat down in the recliner and said, "Did you guys meet Tim?" We all introduced ourselves and then Jake said, "He's thinking about moving in, but wanted to come over and check out the atmosphere first." I wish Jake would have told me that beforehand because his rent money has become pretty important to our little business venture.

We've decided that in the future, when a potential tenant calls about renting a room, we're gonna invite him over and then promptly call as many girls as possible and have them "drop by" while we're giving him the tour. Luckily, Lance knows more than his share of hotties and appears willing to help out by inviting them over. The problem is, Lance is all talk. He always claims to have all sorts of hook-ups, but things seldom pan out as smoothly as he claims they will.

I guess Tim was pleased with our set-up. He moved in last Monday. It's pretty cool cause he's old so nobody really considers him a threat to our womanizing goals. On top of all that, he's divorced and isn't active in church anymore. He told us that he served a mission, married in the temple but that his wife left him after he supported her through school. (See everyone. A smart woman is a dangerous woman. Much more difficult to control.) Anyway, I guess the best way to describe Tim is as a 26 year old inactive divorcee who is less attractive than me... in my opinion. I like him living with us so far, mostly because I'm not threatened by him at all.

I did notice that he got a Netflix in the mail the other day and it was Girls Gone Wild. I'm wondering if Lance and Tim are going to feed off of each other. The sooner we can get some young, church-going blokes in our house the better. I never want to be outnumbered, unless we're talking about identical foreign exchange student twins who have always wondered what it's like to kiss an average looking Mormon with a great sense of humor. Then I wouldn't mind so much being outnumbered.

Calvin

32 comments:

Anne Katherine said...

26 isn't old....

Jesslyn Ann said...

I'm interested to see how this is going to pan out.

Crystal said...

Ah and 26 is old again. Lame.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Calvin, the trick isn't to control the woman at all, educated or not. And controlling doesn't work unless you are an abusive guy dating a girl with no self esteem...

My point is that the man doesn't control the woman; the woman controls the guy. And if the guy is smart, he rolls with it and does his best to make her happy.

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

"See everyone. A smart woman is a dangerous woman. Much more difficult to control."

Haha! A smart woman is only dangerous if she's smarter than you. That goes both ways, if I was dating someone I was way smarter than I'd probably ditch them too. I'd just be smart enough to not marry them first.

Bathsheba said...

So you want good spiritual LDS guys to come and live at your apartment, and apparently don't like Girls Gone Wild.

But then you ignore the fact that President Hinckley and the apostles have counseled women to be educated, to get higher learning.

You are just picking and choosing what you like about the church. I hope you never marry so you don't get to be an abusive husband who tries to control his wife. Whatever happened to putting them on a pedestal?

bad dog said...

You should kick Jake off your blog.

You're way better.

ginger said...

Girls Gone Wild in the mail? No wonder he's single....gag!

WilWheaton said...

You should say you "LDS Standards" on your ad. I didn't need to live with LDS people when I was looking for my place, I just didn't want to deal with roommates drinking heavily, smoking, or having sex in the shower.

I think saying the house has LDS standards just indicates you don't want people who are gonna be out of control, and that you aren't out of control.

Heather Guymon said...

Holy...26 is OLD?

Netflix has GGW???

Just a few things... said...

1)Take a good look at Tim, because that's gonna be you in a few years. Except you will ne Single and still gay for eternity. 2)The only one we see you controlling is Jake...aka...your little biatch! 3)Isn't the real Jake homosexual?
hmmm....

Anonymous said...

Calvin, you can lie better than that. Netflix doesn't have Girls Gone Wild.

They have Aliens Gone Wild, and given their flying saucers, well who wouldn't want them to go wild?

Rebekah said...

You are right, you do marry the type of girl you go out with; the type being the kind that lets them be used for sexual pleasure as a basis for a relationship.

Have Fun

Anonymous said...

I'm so waiting for you guys to regret your decision to buy that place. Finding renters is tough. Finding good renters is really tough. I'm not saying I hope it doesn't work out for you...but I really don't expect it to.

Also, wives are not for controlling. Marriage is a partnership. If you don't see that, you'll probably end up 26 and divorced too.

thesinglesward said...

Timmay's gonna chase all the tail away. Not that it's gonna bother him, he has 50 new girlfriends each week when he gets another Girls Gone Wild video in the mail.

Batsheba said...

Maybe that is why Mindy went after Bryson; not simply because a slug looks better than you, she knew that you'd never be husband material.

pummelhead said...

I love how people will sit and nag about these posts. If you are going to get all offended don't read it and F out of their lives. They are just tellin it how it is.

Anonymous said...

ROTFL at just a few things. And Pummelhead, you're either new to this blog or just a fag. Remember, it's a real blog. You must have missed that post. IDIOT!

Karli said...

I just have to say I LOVE what you named this post, lol.

Little Black Dress said...

Anonymous 9:20

No, Calvin and Jake say it is a real blog. There is a difference.

Anonymous said...

i think people are too hard on you guys.

Little Black Dress said...

What's with the not posting of certain comments, Calvin? Is comparing what you said in this post to your relationship with Mindy too close to the belt?

Anonymous said...

Calvin, I'll marry you - but only if you promise me you'll make all sorts of chauvinistic comments like that. Even better if we're in a large group of people who will wildly judge you and call for your immediate excommunication because you obviously don't listen to the prophets and apostles.

Oh my gosh people. He was being sarcastic.

Black HelmetMan said...

Of course it was a joke, this time. Calvin is using humor to attempt to make people forget what he really thinks of women, as well as the fact he's a total douche.

Nikki said...

I am not gonna lie. Sometimes I read the comments and not the post. OK most of the time.

Anonymous said...

Nah, we all got wrong. It may be a joke to Calvin, but he's actually a girl.

That must be it. She posts what she hates the most and writes as if she supports it.

Rachael said...

26 is not that old!

Datin'Kait said...

The only friend who's prettier than me that I don't hate is my blog partner, McKenna. I find she's usually the bait that rings in the studs.

Anonymous said...

Dude, I'm 25 and 11 months... and the GGW video was for... uh... my film studies class.

krista said...

You guys make me laugh with your stories about roommates/girls...:)

Anonymous said...

I showed my sister your blog and she is disgusted in you. At first she really wanted it to be a joke, like seriously so blessed. Unfortunately it's not. I just found it a while ago and at first thought it was funny. It's not funny. You guys are sexist jack mormons and a bad example of your "faith."

Shelise said...

I'd order some Tim Gone Wild. He sounds hott. Not like either of you two slugs.