Thursday, July 30, 2009

Jake is a Pansy A

Jake is such a wuss. All of the roommates totaled up the girls we've kissed since Jake started dating Andrea. The total is 8. EIGHT. (I'm only one of the eight, but still.) Plus, Bryson doesn't really count since he's engaged and moved back in with his parents last weekend to, quote, "save up for my wedding". I don't know what Jake is waiting for. I keep warning him that he's going to slip into the "friend zone", but he's confident that it won't happen that way.

Don't get me wrong. Andrea's cool and everything, but I really don't think she's Jake's type. Jake is the guy I see R-rated movies with and Andrea doesn't watch them. I don't even think she watches PG-13's. Plus, I hate the way Jake talks when Andrea is around. He's always whispering in her ear and crap. It's not that I feel like I HAVE to know what Jake is saying all the time, but it kind of makes my stomach hurt seeing him act like that. I'm watching my best friend get all lovey-dovey-sappy-smoochy with this girl and it seems like the Jake I know has crawled into a little sissy hole and is waiting for his buff, manly, average-looking sidekick (me) to help pull him out.

I went out with Carla last night, or tonight depending on how you look at it. Aaron said he didn't mind that I took her out, even though I'm pretty sure he was pissed that she jumped (his) ship and came aboard my ship. I feel a little guilty. I don't think it was a violation of "Bro's before Ho's" because he gave me permission. I did ASK him first. I think that ASKING Aaron might have been a violation, by itself. I'll have to poll Jake and Nick and see what they think.

Either way, I like Amy more than Carla and it's obvious I can't date them both. Andrea speaks to both of them regularly and she'll probably even be there for most of our dates since I double with Jake so often. Andrea will have to hear me say all of my rehearsed date-dialog with Amy on Friday and then hear the exact same rehearsed date-dialog on Saturday when I'm out with Carla. If Jake keeps dating Andrea, I may need to pray about some new material. (Just kidding. I don't pray about my rehearsed dialog. I just write it up and hope it works*.)

Calvin

* = "works" can be defined as feminine laughter followed by a loving, mid-thigh caress or a long breathy whisper when her lips "accidentally" brush lightly against my ear. If that happens... then my pre-planned, rehearsed dialog has worked. Boo-yeah.

8 comments:

Kelly said...

Can we get an example of some rehearsed dialog?

It reminds me of Mr Collins in Pride and Prejudice. Look it up.

Anonymous said...

Hum...where do I even start with this blog? Being 24, female, LDS, well educated, and a model for 8 years, happily married for two years, I would have to say that I think your blog lacks so much, in so many ways. I do think your cute little naive ways remind me of the days when I was back in Jr. High School. Lucky for you, you all will one day grow up to be men and realize the truth of this world and all the love it has to offer. Right now you are getting off by being rude, disgusting, disrespectful, and plain blind to the true nature of life and women (or girls in your case). Did your missions teach you nothing. Was being stuck in a room with another male for two years denying you of so much that you had to come back as complete jerks?!? You should be ashamed of how you all turned out. I know your parents would be embarrassed, all those 'women' you screw over would be embarrassed, and even I am embarrassed to be part of the same faith the way you treat it. I pray the day my son grows up he will not be like any of you. My heart aches for your horrible ways. You are NOT choosing the right! The day you end up in jail or divorced you will understand. Good Luck become real men.

Jody said...

LOVE your blog.

Jody said...

p.s. lyss referred me to you. :)

Dani said...

Oh Calvin...you really can't pick on Jake for being all mushy and then give us a corn-on-the-cob description of "the works." Gag me with a spoon! ;)
Funny stuff, but you should be more careful...

Anonymous said...

Hum, so like where do I start... Oh I'm married LDS, been a model for years and a hot and sexy woman and I'm 24, a whole two years older then you "boys" with a "man" who loves me a man that maybe you little douchy douches can be someday... yuck!

Bla bla blah, I hope that first anonymous commenter chokes on her CTR ring.

This blog is so good, the best I have read in a while, please don't change a thing.

Maybe you have a lot to learn, but at least you're being honest and hopefully as you grow up I will be there to laugh all the way there with you.

I'm sorry there are actually Mormons out there naive enough to think that their husbands and boyfriends aren't a lot like you, they just wont admit it.

Annie

Kelly said...

Wow Anonymous really has a high opinion of herself eh?

I hate it when bloggers put each other down. So un-Christlike.

You guys do have a lot to learn, but you also crack me up! I am suspicious that the stories you tell are made up and just by one writer.... Fess up!

megs said...

I definitley think you should post a script of your pre rehearsed dialogue. I want to hear it! I'll tell you if it will work or not :)

Hm.... I like the name Amy better than I like the name Carla so I would totally go with Amy if I were you