Thursday, July 30, 2009

Kiss Rules and Regs

Phew! I had a doozy of a talk with Andrea today about kissing. It ended badly. She went off about appropriate kissing, stuff like how when people kiss there should be no tongue involved because that kind of stuff leads to "things going too far".

This all started because this kid at work found out we were dating and that it had been a couple of weeks. He joked that I must be a pretty good kisser since I was kind of ugly. I like the guy and didn't mind the insult since I knew it was in good fun. What I didn't expect was for Andrea to frustratingly respond that she wouldn't know since I hadn't even tried yet. I was taken aback but wanted to keep things light and funny, so I responded with some sort of, "Uh, since I have never kissed a girl Andrea I need to be sure with my first." I knew that she knew this was a joke, and hoped it would be funny enough to change the subject, at least into an argument about the fact that I had kissed a girl instead of a discussion about why I hadn't kissed her.

Unfortunately, this didn't dissuade her. One of my favorite things about Andrea is how direct and unwilling she is to back down. At lunch she asked me straight out about kissing. I made up a stupid story, which I regret, but under the pressure it just came natural. I told her, "You know that I kiss girls early and I like you Andrea, I like you and don't want 'getting horizontal' to get in the way of how I feel about you." True... I did like her, but false, I hadn't kissed her because she made me nervous, and I kept thinking she would turn me down or I wouldn't perform well or something.

Here is the problem. She didn't hear any of that. The only thing she heard come out of my mouth was the word "horizontal"! She started into this big thing as I mentioned about appropriate kissing. She said that she had never kissed anyone laying down. I tend to get argumentative on this subject and, well, I argued with her.

I made the point that there were certain sections of the body that were off limits. Private parts are obvious. Too far up the inner thigh, and too low on the collar bone. Stuff like that. I agreed with her that dry humping wasn't allowed either. However, I stood my ground that it was perfectly okay for kissing to involve tongue, as well as hands and some lying down. She did not agree at all. She was mad, too. It was like she thought I was going to try and take advantage of her. She started quoting general authority talks and stuff. Like one GA said, "You should be kissing girls like you kiss your mother until you're married." Well geez! What... like the first time I am going to kiss her with any kind of passion is going to be over the altar or something - not effing likely. She left work without saying goodbye, and now... 9 hours later she has not responded to my one phone call and several texts.

Her dad is probably petting her hair and drying her tears telling her "I told you so. I told you about that evil boy who watches "R" rated movies!"

Blast, I need to fix this, I don't know what to do.



Taren said...

and here is what you should do: when you do get a hold of her tell her that she had some very valid points, and although you didn't live by those rules in the past you would like to try with her because you respect her values. then once you guys are kissing for a couple weeks or so, slip in some tongue. she won't know what hit her.

you're welcome.

Kelly said...

Wow that is a problem. Maybe she is not the girl for you if your opinions differ so much. You could try what Taren suggests but you risk getting a slap in the face.

Good Luck!

Billy Reano said...

Oh man. Rough time.

I say this because of this: if you all are already having heated debates about the relationship (a.k.a limits, values, etc.) now, d.t.r.-ish style, then how do you think these arguments are going to play out when mounds and mounds of hormones get in the picture through more emotional and physical connection?

To be honest, though, I agree totally with Andrea's stance on the physical side of the relationship. You talk about doing things her way would rob the relationship of this 'spontaneous passion' you two could have. Other people have done it just fine.

Sorry to write a book, but maybe take a step back and cool down before you try moving in for the kiss , now that her trust has been rattled a lil bit.

Reuben said...

Andrea doesn't really sound that great...

Kelly said...

Another comment here: I used to make out horizontally until I met my husband who had a set of "rules" he liked to live by. We had one rule where we were never alone in the apartment. (Just to give you an idea.)

Some people thought we were playing it too safe, but I always knew he respected me. Not playing it too close to the edge can be a good thing sometimes. Just sayin....

Dani said...

Either way you look at it, Andrea's right...and I don't just mean that because I agree with what she's saying. If you want to stay with Andrea, you're going to have to play by her rules. Besides, what do you have to lose by not doing things her way? Are you afraid of getting bored of her?

Anonymous said...

Is this blog for real? I'm starting to think it's fictional. Like

Anyway if it is real... Personally, my husband and I participated in many lengthy horizontal makeout sessions for a year before we were married. We talked about our limits throughout our relationship and made rules for ourselves. We didn't touch each other's private parts, no dry humping, nothing inappropriate. Just good old fashioned horizontal making out for hours. And now that I'm married and I've had sex, I can see that we were completely fine. We were nowhere close to "messing up". Maybe we have unusual self control. All I'm saying is as long as you both know you aren't going to do certain things, you just don't do those things. There's nothing wrong with kissing with some tongue. And from someone who's "gone all the way", let me tell you that the point at which you "can't control yourself" or "things get out of hand" is way beyond kissing while laying down. You always have control over your actions, even during intercourse. I don't want to hear anyone saying "I don't know what happened, we got so into it and we just couldn't stop." That is not true. You still have a brain that is thinking logical thoughts. Even during sex. And horizontal makeouts.

Whew. Thanks for listening.

Melinda said...

I like you.

Thats all.

Taren said...

everyone is taking this so seriously, when i have a hard time believe that you are actually 100% serious... Jake? What do you have to say for yourself?

megs said...

Rules help get you to the temple. Some people need to set more boundaries than others. Maybe some people are stronger. Who knows. But it's definitely good to talk about now :-) before you 'accidentally' start putting your hand up her shirt and she slaps you! (Not saying you would do that but if it did happen.... ok I'm done.)

Slip her some tongue. She won't know what hit her! :)

P.S. Taren, I took this very seriously as it's a serious subject :)))) and I love you.

c a n d a c e said...

I love this post. Sorry to chuckle at your disposal, but it is a little funny how skewed this conversation became.

I would give her a little time to simmer down. Maybe she isn't the right gal for you or maybe you just kinda let things slide and do what feels natural. Meaning, kiss and don't force or overtalk anything.

But what do I know- I'm a single, punk girl from the dreaded SLC that also watches rated R movies.

:) Good Luck!

Steven said...

ABORT.... ABORT!!! I know you like her, but imagine what married life with her is going to be like. No tounge kissing until you're married? That turns into no felatio! That turns into... Missionary only with you on top doing all the work. Bail before you get in too deep. There's other girls that are more your style. Think of all the family battles you'll have with her dad? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Summer L said...

ha ha i just love the part at the end about what you suspected her dad of telling her about you! Just found your blog too and so far its hilarious and quite enjoyable :)

Tiffany said...

Just found your blog (form Laurens interview of you guys) and have been reading it for days trying to get it all in. Today I started from the beginning. So I know that you and Andrea are no more. I was a bit frustrated for her that you put up her letter, but would have been more frustrated for me if you didn't. I think you guys are funny.

Anyways, I have not commented until now cus I am a married lady of 38 and am pretty sure that I am of no interest to you young bucks, but the reason I am commenting now is I was laughing at how she said you should only kiss her like you would kiss your mom, and how funny it would be if you actually only kissed her like that. She would think there was no spark, she would think you were a bad kisser and she would break up with you.
If I had read this in time I would have recommended it, but now I am too late.
Anyways super fun blog. I am enjoying reading about how all those boys I dated at BYU were thinking.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...


You being 38 has nothing to do with us being interested, it only has to do with you being married and that 7th commandment (6th if you're Catholic or Lutheran) we follow.

That doesn't mean we can't be friends, laugh together, bond... unless your Husband will beat us up, if that's the case, well you can be friends with Calvin.


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Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Bored and rereading old posts. I just want to say I approve of your use of 'blast'.