Kiss Rules and Regs

Phew! I had a doozy of a talk with Andrea today about kissing. It ended badly. She went off about appropriate kissing, stuff like how when people kiss there should be no tongue involved because that kind of stuff leads to "things going too far".

This all started because this kid at work found out we were dating and that it had been a couple of weeks. He joked that I must be a pretty good kisser since I was kind of ugly. I like the guy and didn't mind the insult since I knew it was in good fun. What I didn't expect was for Andrea to frustratingly respond that she wouldn't know since I hadn't even tried yet. I was taken aback but wanted to keep things light and funny, so I responded with some sort of, "Uh, since I have never kissed a girl Andrea I need to be sure with my first." I knew that she knew this was a joke, and hoped it would be funny enough to change the subject, at least into an argument about the fact that I had kissed a girl instead of a discussion about why I hadn't kissed her.

Unfortunately, this didn't dissuade her. One of my favorite things about Andrea is how direct and unwilling she is to back down. At lunch she asked me straight out about kissing. I made up a stupid story, which I regret, but under the pressure it just came natural. I told her, "You know that I kiss girls early and I like you Andrea, I like you and don't want 'getting horizontal' to get in the way of how I feel about you." True... I did like her, but false, I hadn't kissed her because she made me nervous, and I kept thinking she would turn me down or I wouldn't perform well or something.

Here is the problem. She didn't hear any of that. The only thing she heard come out of my mouth was the word "horizontal"! She started into this big thing as I mentioned about appropriate kissing. She said that she had never kissed anyone laying down. I tend to get argumentative on this subject and, well, I argued with her.

I made the point that there were certain sections of the body that were off limits. Private parts are obvious. Too far up the inner thigh, and too low on the collar bone. Stuff like that. I agreed with her that dry humping wasn't allowed either. However, I stood my ground that it was perfectly okay for kissing to involve tongue, as well as hands and some lying down. She did not agree at all. She was mad, too. It was like she thought I was going to try and take advantage of her. She started quoting general authority talks and stuff. Like one GA said, "You should be kissing girls like you kiss your mother until you're married." Well geez! What... like the first time I am going to kiss her with any kind of passion is going to be over the altar or something - not effing likely. She left work without saying goodbye, and now... 9 hours later she has not responded to my one phone call and several texts.

Her dad is probably petting her hair and drying her tears telling her "I told you so. I told you about that evil boy who watches "R" rated movies!"

Blast, I need to fix this, I don't know what to do.

Jake