Exhausting Resources

It's probably been nearly 2 months since we have attended the same ward two weeks in a row. However we debated over the many wards we attended and decided together which ward to make our permanent one. Lucky enough we actually live in the ward boundaries of the ward we picked. This is good, because in past weeks there have been some pretty aggressive bishoprics who told us in no uncertain terms that we couldn't attend their ward.

One Councilor told me and Lance that he "would not allow us to drain the resources of his ward and leave for greener pastures when things became scarce." I thought the analogy was genius... and recognized he was probably right. I guess he wants us to focus on being strong ward members instead of finding eternal companions. Sure, one should be able to do both, but for single members, once all the resources are gone which really means all of the dateable girls have been dated. Should one focus on being a good member of that ward? Or should he/she move on to greener pastures (a new ward). I think the priority is clear.

So, we picked this ward because it has the highest quantity of hot girls. There is one house with 4 girls in it who are all hot! Not like average good looking, or even like two are really good looking and the other two are 6's trying really hard to be 9's. They are all 8's and 9's. Not to mention there's also this chick from France who has this accent that makes me think of all sorts of things I'll probably burn in hell for.

Andrea came to church with me today because I told her that we had chosen a ward, and she wanted to check it out. We sat on the pew after sacrament and watched the mingling melée. Lance and Aaron were all over the hot house of girls and Calvin chatted to a couple of chicks (7's) while Nick stood next to him with his arms folded kind of bobbing back and forth not saying much just happy to be included.

Andrea slapped her hand onto my leg and said, "looks like you're missing out on all the pretty girls." I laughed, looked at her and put my arm around her. I wondered if she said that because I was intently following the activities of my roommates or because there were so many pretty girls in the ward. I responded, "I am totally..." I paused and stared at her intently pretending like I had forgotten what I was going to say. She noticed, kind of smiled and said, "what?" I continued to look her in the eyes for a few awkward seconds and said, "um.. I kind of got distracted, I forgot what I was going to say." she looked at me and her eyes twinkled a little. She said, "if I wasn't in the chapel right now you'd be getting the best tongue kiss ever." then she smiled really big and laid her head on my shoulder.

I sighed realizing I had successfully avoided the question and told her I thought she was pretty without actually saying it. Andrea was pretty, keeping in line with the ratings, she was an 8. I looked over at Calvin right as every girl around him burst into a loud bout of laughter. The answer to Andreas question was "yes." I did have the feeling I was missing out. I sat there thinking about that while this beautiful girl lay on my arm. One I didn't feel worthy (by looks or righteous living) to be with, and yet I was feeling unsatisfied. There are so many other girls... can I be content with just one?

Jake

Motherly Advice

Fear not, faithful readers. Your comments and advice have been read and acknowledged. I admit I failed to see the red flags in Brittany's words and deeds earlier, but I can see how they could appear to the casual observer as "red flags". However, I'm pretty sure that nobody was listening to the hours of phone conversation that we had before she invited me over. Given... it was a quick progression from email to personal (slightly physical) contact... but there was still a progression and it was natural.

I've seen Brittany a few times since last weekend. Her house is where we usually get together. Mostly because she puts her kids to bed before I get there and she can't really leave them while they're sleeping. Since I typically get there pretty late at night, I end up staying there until morning which I know is (gasp) totally not ok, but I feel like we exercise fairly good self control. There's always lots of kissing on and off throughout the night, but it hasn't gone much past that.

When I was 16 years old, my mom told me once, "Calvin. Times have changed. Girls nowadays don't sit back and wait for guys to make moves. You need to be really careful that you don't let a girl do things that you're not comfortable doing." I distinctly remember thinking, "Where can I meet these kinds of girls?" Honestly. I really did think that. I'm not sure what my mom expected her 16 year old son to think. Maybe, "Wow. I hope I'm never in a situation where a girl tries to heavy pet me." Riiiiiight.

My mom also told me that it's really easy to lose control in certain situations. At 16 years old, I'd never held a girls hand before so it was difficult for me to comprehend ever being alone with a girl... in the dark... sitting next to each other. But I also remember thinking, "How can somebody 'lose control' while kissing a girl?" Is it really possible to black-out while kissing someone, and then snap back to reality and yell, "How did all my clothes fall off? Where are your clothes? What did we do? I CAN'T BELIEVE I COMPLETELY LOST CONTROL!"

You might be asking yourself what I'm trying to say. Well, here it is. I'm not perfect. I've had my share of sexual transgressions. I'm still a virgin and I'll remain a virgin until I get married, but I've slipped up several times in my short dating life. And every time I've screwed up, it's been a conscious choice. Never once have I "lost control". The girl I'm kissing might have, but I haven't. I've always chosen to do certain things. I feel guilty later... and I know before I choose to do it that it's wrong and I shouldn't do it... but then I do it anyway. It's an actual thought process during which I can stop at any point. But I don't. I do what I want to do, knowing I shouldn't do it.

But I do have a line. I promise, I do. My line is probably two steps further than YOUR line, but it's still a line. And I won't cross it.

Calvin

Honest Scrap

We here at the Mormon Bachelor Pad are pleased to announce our first in a long line of awards. We have been nominated for the Honest Scrap Award by this always entertaining blog, which we would have nominated for this award had she not already recieved it. Brie over at Blogxygen must have known this honor would go to our heads because I am certain that she wanted to nominate someone who would respond. We humbly accept and will happily participate.

Here’s how those who are bestowed this prestigious trophy are asked to respond:

"This award is bestowed on a fellow blogger whose blog content or design is, in the giver's opinion, brilliant. This award is about bloggers who post from their heart, who often put their heart on display as they write. There are three rules that need to be followed on accepting this award:
1) Brag about it.
2) Nominate by selecting three blogs you find brilliant and link to them.
3) List 10 honest things about yourself."

1) Perhaps the most difficult task for me. Our blog is the best thing one can read on the internet. Not only is it funny insightful and altogether unique. It brings people of all walks of life together into one big loving family. Men and women can learn more about love and the human condition from this blog then any other blog... and find true lasting happiness in this life by commenting on this blog and all of it's posts. No where else in the world is so much wisdom and care displayed on the screen. It's better then your blog. Yeah you, better then yours.

2) Now Calvin might nominate some different blogs then me, but since it is my turn and he is always nagging me about when my next post is going up (and now thanks to you guys he's mocking me for my bad grammar) I am going to shoulder the responsibility here.

First, the cougarlicious Single Mormon Chick ...I know she's a little older then me... by 18 years, but after reading her posts I would totally love to get to the bottom of the Law of Chastity with her... if you know what I mean.

Second, I'm a big fan of People attempting the impossible, Kristin at The Two Year Wait is blogging about just that... I swear it's not just because I want to be there to capatalize and date her when she decides she's grown out of Zack. (I'm kidding Kristen, please don't sick the entire MG society on me again for my lack of support)

Third, very seldom do I feel like if I were in a room with someone that they might be funnier then me. When I read the thickest sarcasm in Mormondum at My Religious Blog I feel like that.

3) 10 honest things about Jake from the Mormon Bachelor Pad. (which I feel like delivering in the 3rd person for some reason)

1. Jake's first kiss happened when he was 13 and it was with a black girl named Summer. It happened on the the tether ball court at his Middle School.

2. Jake's Mom is one of 3 people on Earth that knows that he writes the Mormon Bachelor Pad.

3. Jake rates physical features in a mate in this order: Eyes, smile, small of the back, neck/collar bone, butt, legs, abs, hair, bosoms, arms, hands, feet.

4. Jake didn't "actually" serve with Calvin while on their missions. They lived in the same house and convinced their companions to trade (go on splits) for an entire month behind the Presidents back.

5. Jake thinks that the members in the Catholic church sing their hymns way better than the members in the Mormon church do.

6. Jake has confessed on more then one occasion to a Bishop about masturbation.

7. Jake is getting really bored coming up with these 10 truths and is thinking about quitting... I mean what are "they" going to do, take the Award away from him... and Calvin.

8. Jake is too scared "they" might actually take the award away to quit now.

9. Jake knows that Jesus Christ is his Saviour and that the teachings and the Priesthood in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are true.

10. Jake's name isn't actually Jake.

Thanks for reading and commenting folks. Thanks also for liking me more then Calvin... truth be told.. he is funnier then me though.

Jake

Brittany's Baggage

I've been getting several emails a day from LDSmingle.com for the last couple of weeks. For a while, I didn't like the idea of finding a date over the internet, but it's so much easier than finding someone in person.

This girl, Brittany, and I have been exchanging emails daily. She's, by far, the coolest girl I've met online. She's got a little baggage, though. I guess everyone has baggage, but hers comes in the form of two children. Not that big of a deal, really, but they both have different dads, which means her baggage also includes two other guys. If both of the kids had the same father and the father was dead, then the only baggage would be the kids. Not the case with Brittany. The dads have partial custody so she's always coordinating visits and pickups and drop offs and crap.

Well, on Saturday our emails were getting pretty detailed. And they were happening in rapid succession. I'd send an email and about an hour later I'd have one back. Then I'd send my reply and then I'd get a reply. It pretty much sucked up my whole Saturday morning and afternoon. All of my roommates were coming and going, doing different things, but I was more interested in staying close to our computer.

At about seven o'clock Saturday night, Brittany and I began chatting since we figured it would be easier to communicate that way. It was pretty great. She was typing "lol" a lot. (Hopefully that means that I was really making her laugh.)

Then at about 10pm, she typed her phone number and told me to call her. I got really nervous... really fast. I was feeling like I was in my groove with the whole chat thing. I stalled for awhile... pretending I hadn't noticed. I changed the subject and made a few more jokes. Brittany kept telling me to call her. Finally, I told her that I was too scared to call her... which was true. She asked why and I told her the truth. What if she had been envisioning my voice as a few octaves deeper than it really was? What if I talked slower than she pictured and she thought I was retarded?

But I was also scared for another reason. What if she sounded like a man, or had a lisp, or couldn't say her R's very well? I didn't want to be put off, either. She seemed so awesome through emails and chats, but what if something was wrong with her voice?

It took her about 30 minutes to convince me to call her, but by about 11, I had made the call. She sounded beautiful. Her voice was perfect. She spoke at the right speed, no speech impediments, and she sounded like a woman... thankfully. Her laugh was perfect, as well. She lol-ed on the phone as often as she typed it, which made me think that she really was laughing every time she typed "lol".

I'm a pretty fast typer, but it was nice to be able to talk without the burden of typing and overlapping conversations and stuff.

Then, at about 1am, Brittany says, "You should just come over." "Nope. No way." was my reply. Brittany explained that her kids had been in bed for a while and her roommate (female) was watching TV in the front room and wouldn't care. "Sorry, Brittany. Not gonna happen." I told her that it was too late at night, I didn't know where she lived, and I was way too scared. I also explained that I'd never done anything similar to what she was proposing. Going to a girls house I'd never met at 1 in the morning? I also suggested that I might actually be a serial killer looking for my next single-mother victim. None of those things put her off. She insisted on giving me her address and asked me to write down directions, just in case I changed my mind.

I got a pen and paper and wrote down her address. While she was giving me directions, I watched my right hand shaking as I wrote them down. After I finished, I looked at the squiggly letters and numbers I'd written down while my hand was quivering. Even though I figured I wasn't going over to her house that night, I was still terrified at the possibility. Brittany actually noticed my voice shaking as I read everything back to her. She told me that I didn't have to stay very long at her house, but she just wanted to see me in person. That made me even more nervous. It sounded like the main reason she wanted to see me was to judge my appearance. Yikes!

It took Brittany about an hour to convince me to come over. I kept changing the subject to the topic of her kids, but she caught on quickly and kept on switching it back. She was begging. Literally, begging. Please, Calvin. Please. What's the big deal? We're going to meet eventually. Now's a perfect time. My kids are in bed. We're both awake. We obviously want to see each other.

All of those things were true. (My stomach hurts right now, just reliving it.) Finally, I swallowed my pride and nervousness and said, "Fine, Brittany. I'll come over. Just let me brush my teeth, put on some cologne and take a runny poo." I didn't say the "runny poo" part, but it was something I needed to do before I left.

I had a hard time breathing the whole time I was driving to Brittany's house. When I got there, she opened the door before I even got to her front porch. She was taller than I thought she'd be. Not, circus-freak tall. She was only about an inch or two shorter than me. But she was gorgeous. Extremely.

Her roommate was asleep on the couch so Brittany led me into her room. We sat on her bed and talked for about three hours. My nervousness faded quickly and our conversation never got boring. She turned off the main light and we talked with only her bedside lamp on. At about 4am, we were both laying down on her bed... still talking. I thought to myself, "I could probably kiss her right now. After all, she invited me over... we're in her room... on her bed... laying down..."

So I did. And she did. (I would go into more detail here, but Jake has enough details for the both of us in his last post) I went home at about 8am. It's times like these I actually wonder if I'm maybe an 8 or 9 or something... instead of a 6.5 like I've always thought.

Calvin

PG rated porn

Instead of going out tonight, Andrea and I stayed at my place and decided to watch the first season of Heroes together. All the roommates were out doing something. Aaron finally went out with my friend Tiffany. Calvin and Nick decided to test out a new Girl House in the Stake, and Lance - I think he's clubbing at Studio 600 (at least that's the only place he could have been going with that shiney button up shirt.)

Anyway, we didn't even make it through the first episode before we started making out. As anyone who regularly reads this blog knows, Andrea mentioned early in our relationship that she was uncomfortable with tongue kissing. She also drew the lines of approved "caress zones" far more restrictive then I ever imagined necessary. Up until recently I have chosen to respect her feelings on the matter. To respect her "comfort zone". Alas, I am getting bored with our standard, kiss-sitting-up-no-tongue-only-rubbing-arms-neck-and-back routine. So I have decided I am going to try to move things more towards MY comfort zone, and see how that works.

I have been nervous about taking things a little further, but truthfully I feel that morally, everything that I am comfortable doing is within the bounds that the Lord has set for appropriate pre-marriage intimacy. Obviously, whether I'm right or not doesn't really matter if Andrea's not comfortable since ,as they say, it takes two to tango. So, I have decided that I need to tread carefully to ensure that Andrea continues to tango while still moving our make out sessions into new territory.

I decided to start with the hands. About the time Hayden Panettiere throws herself off a building, I moved my hand from the back of Andreas neck to her collar bone. Andrea pauses for a moment but doesn't pull away. I counted this as a success. I then moved my other hand up under her shirt onto the bare skin of her lower back. Keep in mind that for Andrea this was some pretty risqué stuff. For me, well the touch of Andrea's, thus far, "forbidden" flesh was more enjoyable then the touch of any other feminine skin I had experienced. It was more exciting because I had to wait for it, and awesome that she didn't protest.

Heroes ran through about 3 episodes thanks to the "play all" feature, and I had successfully overcome all of her "no hand" zones. I mean, I still steered clear of the privates and the high inner thigh, but it was definitely a vigorous... no, a passionate make-out. We chilled out for a bit and talked.

I decided I wasn't going to bring up the advancements we had made, and she didn't either. Instead we talked about school and how we were both starting it next week. We watched Heroes, for a minute, but started laughing when we realized we had no idea what was going on. We decided to get some Beto's, before I took her home for the night.

There is a little playground about a stones throw away from Andreas house. We had spent several nights here talking, and our first kiss happened on the swings so it was a familiar spot. Perfect, I thought, for the next phase of my plan. After eating, talking some more, and chewing some gum, I helped Andrea up from the ground and pulled her towards me to kiss her. Now that my hands were free to roam, I was able to induce in her a little more excitement for act then previously possible.

I waited until it seemed like she was as turned on as she possibly could have been, and then, I slipped her the tongue. I was careful not to cram it down her throat or anything, but I wanted to make sure she knew it was there. She pulled back this time, and looked at me. I waited. She pulled my face to hers, and this time, she was the one slipping tongue. It was awesome. Granted, it was obvious that Andrea had never tongue kissed a boy before, and her technique was a little rough. However, I really like this girl, we have been dating for nearly a month and our intimacy up to this point has been rigid. It made this kiss so super duper!

For the final move into my comfort zone, I picked Andrea up, while still kissing and carefully moved to the slide. I set her down on the edge of the slide and slowly leaned over her. I didn't hesitate, but was observant to see how she was reacting. Andrea's a smart girl, and I think she knew what was coming. She laid back and there we were. Kissing, with tongue, horizontally.

It didn't feel dirty, it didn't get out of hand. It was magnificent. We kissed for about 20 more minutes like that, and then I walked her home. On the doorstep, she said, "You got a little naughty tonight." I probably made some stupid face and said, "Naughty?" really thinking that word was a poor choice. She simply replied with, "That was fun." Then she swung her arms around my neck and kissed me. Without tongue.

I walked back to my car and thought, "She used the word 'naughty' and then finished with a no tongue kiss... is she trying to tell me that was a one time deal?"

Nahhhhh!

Jake

Bowling Shoes Girl

I wasn't very popular in high school. I wasn't exactly UNpopular... I just kind of hovered in the middle somewhere. The jocks and cheerleaders didn't find me annoying... mostly because they didn't know I even attended the same school that they did. In my math class with Mr. Robson, there was a pretty hot Asian girl named Lacey. We were similar in high school social standing, but I still never talked to her. I remember one day, she came to class wearing bowling shoes. I eavesdropped as another guy, slightly more cool than me, asked her where she got her shoes. She laughed (sweetly) and said that she'd sluffed the previous period and had gone bowling, and had also decided to walk out with those shoes on. I instantly wanted to be her boyfriend. But of course I didn't say anything to her. Ever.

Until last night. Nick was going on a date with Raquel. Apparently, they were going to the university, pitching a tent and sleeping over so they could buy mega sweet parking passes this morning. Well, Raquel had another friend coming and Nick wanted me to sleep over with them so she didn't feel like a third wheel. He told me her name was Lacey. I didn't think much of it since there has to be at least 3 or 4 Laceys in Utah that are around my same age.

Nick and I went to pick up Raquel and when we got to her neighborhood, I started putting the pieces of the puzzle together in my brain. Raquel looked familiar when she got to the car and I remembered where I knew her from. She was a year older than me in high school . I also remembered seeing Raquel and "bowling shoes" Lacey together several times in the school hallways. I immediately got a knot in my stomach and thought I was gonna have diarrhea. (This is not an uncommon occurrence when I get nervous.) I was about to begin a date that I thought was a blind date, but was really with a girl I had a crush on in junior high and high school.

I walked up to Lacey's door, rang the bell, and prepared for the worst. However, to my surprise, Lacey answered the door and yelled, "Calvin!" and gave me a big hug... almost like she knew me from high school or something. Turns out she did.

We get to the university and Nick pulls out two tents. A boy tent and a girl tent. We throw all of our stuff into our respective tents and then we all congregate in the girls tent and start talking and eating Twizzlers and those nasty-ass Circus Peanuts. I'm being funny, of course, and Lacey is laughing like I'm the funniest person she's ever been around in her entire life. My confidence level is rising and my gurgling stomach is subsiding. Then Nick and Raquel stand up and say that they're going on a walk. However, after they leave the tent I distinctly hear OUR tent unzipping and then zipping up. I realize at that point that I'm probably gonna be in the girl tent all night. Lacey and I joked about that for a little while but neither one of us seemed that bothered. We talked for a couple of hours... me making jokes and Lacey laughing at them whether she thought they were funny or not.

At some point in our conversation I laid down on my side and held my head up with my hand. Lacey was laying next to me on her back. She kept readjusting her position by reaching for her water or grabbing some more licorice until her face was six inches from my own. Pretty clear Green Light, right? I thought so. I went in for a kiss and she grabbed my head and body fairly violently and pulled me on top of her. It was like I was her meatball sub at 6pm on a Fast Sunday. It happened so fast that I almost didn't even realize what was happening. Within the first 90 seconds, she had both of her hands on my butt cheeks. I didn't fight her off, mind you.

We made out for a while. Like... hours. On a scale from 1 to 10... 1 being holding hands and 10 being full-blown intercourse... Lacey and I hit a 6. Right as we started moving into the 7 range, Lacey paused, pushed me away from her face slightly and said, "I was hoping you'd choose me." Then she pulled me in again.

All you ladies who are reading this blog, take note. Everything Lacey did up until those six words was awesome. But please don't ever make the same mistake. My interest in Lacey dropped about a dozen notches. "Choose me"? Over who? Raquel? Do I have any other options here? How long was she "hoping" this? Since high school? Jr. High? Since 5 hours ago?

I got "sleepy" shortly thereafter and fell asleep. I kept my cool this morning, but I got out of there as soon as I could. It's kinda weird how that works. My image of "bowling shoes" girl peaked... and then was shattered in one brief encounter.

Calvin

DTR?

I'm starting to wonder if I should be concerned that Andrea hasn't tried to define the relationship (DTR) yet. My roommates seem to think this is a big problem. I mean I don't really want anything exclusive... heck we haven't even really french kissed yet, (that's right, still no tongue - but I am planning on breaching that soon) but from their experiences (having been off their missions a little longer than me) It seems to be pretty common that the girl initiates a DTR within the first couple of months. I probably wouldn't even give it a second thought if Calvin and Lance weren't so adamant that she's got some other guy on the side. Whether she does or not, I am not really concerned, I am just wondering if I should be concerned. It's not like I wouldn't have options if I wanted them...

On Monday we went to this big stake FHE that's in one of the wards we are favoring. There were nearly 400 people there, I would guess. They did this huge slip-n-slide thing, and it was pretty fun. There were a lot of older girls there, but there were also a few hotties. Lance met two houses worth, and invited them to hang out this week. Lance definitely gave Aaron a run for his money.

So last night some of us decided to watch the entire Die Hard Trilogy at our house because Aaron had never seen it. Six hours of straight action may not seem prudent to most, but we deemed it worthy of our precious time. We invited every girl we knew to come. One of these new houses of girls that lives pretty close to us showed up. Our living room is set up with two large couches and a love seat all are DI quality, though we got them from various parents and siblings. I ended up on the love seat.

This girl Jenny sat next to me. It was dark and we were all having a good time. Before Bruce Willis even takes his shoes off Jenny starts snuggling up to me. She makes a few comments to see if it's okay, and I of course am fine with it. She is laying on her side with her head on my chest, and I am sitting slouched. So her left arm ends up draped across my chest. She immediately starts tickling my arm and gently rubbing my chest and abs. This is fairly basic snuggling behavior, but to start so early and I didn't even know her last name.

She kept rolling over and looking at me to ask me questions unrelated to the movie. She kept making comments about my arms. I don't have exceptional arms, but I was flattered. I watched Lance repeatedly looking over at us with a grin. I noticed none of the other girls were in cuddle mode yet. We finished the first Die hard and I was sitting there thinking, I could make-out with this girl tonight.

Halfway through the second Die Hard another group of girls came over. We have known these girls for a while - we hang with them all of the time. One of them, also named Jen, knew Jenny who I was on the love seat with. They hugged and started quietly chatting as the other two girls found places to sit. Jen joined us on the love seat, and I was sandwiched between the two Jen's. The snuggling from before was obviously quelled, and they talked for a bit and then we all snuggly finished watching Die Hard 2.

The new girls all decided to leave after the second movie. Leaving the girls we already knew to finish out the third film. So here I was, still on the love seat with Jen, and we ended up sitting in exactly the same way Jenny and I had before. Jen and I had been friends for a while, and there had never really been anything between us. Her hand started doing the same tickling and rubbing that Jenny had done previously. As before, I reciprocated with appropriate snuggle hand movements too. However, things started getting a little more, um, vigorous. She started rubbing my thigh. My inner thigh. After a few minutes of this. She rolled so that she could look at me. She laid there with the back of her head on my stomach for a few seconds and just looked. I again thought, I could make-out with this girl tonight. She turned over, but repeated this process a couple of times.

It ended up, I pretty much had to decide not to make-out with Jen. Because when Die Hard 3 was over. Jens two friends left. Calvin and Nick had fallen asleep. Lance went to bed, and Aaron started the fourth Die Hard, but fell asleep about 10 minutes in. Just Jen and I sitting on the love seat, with three of my roommates fast asleep. The movie was rolling, and the cuddling was intensifying.

I was thinking, what (if any) guilt I would feel towards Andrea if I kissed Jen right there. I didn't think I would feel any... after all we weren't exclusive. I also thought about what might happen to Jen and I's friendship if we kissed. It would probably be ruined. Did I care?

I wasn't finished thinking about the consequences when she started one of her turns again. I quickly closed my eyes and pretended I was asleep. Once I did that, I realized it was 3:00 in the morning, and regardless of the consequences I was not interested in getting into a late night, lying down, in the dark make-out session. She stared at me for two full minutes before she looked back at the TV. After a few more minutes I pretended to wake up and mumbled, "I have to go to bed." I asked her, "Do you want me to walk you to your car or just stay here tonight?" She said she would stay. I got up handed her a pillow and a blanket. She looked at me, and I swear I could hear her thoughts saying, "Really, you're going to leave me in your living room?"

I stumbled back to my room without saying a word while rubbing my eyes, like I was totally out of it. I laid down in my bed, realizing I probably wouldn't ever get another chance with Jen. I didn't really care, I was more consumed with wondering if I would have felt guilty after, and what affect it would have on my relationship with Andrea. I fell asleep and when I woke up this morning Calvin, Nick, and Aaron were still asleep in the living room, but Jen was gone.

Jake

Shera: The Conclusion?

Shera sent me a text this morning at about 2am. Her boyfriend proposed last night. She said 'yes'. I feel a tiny bit guilty, but... have no fear... guilt always fades and eventually disappears.

Calvin

Shera: Sister Harms Part II

There's something to be said for Non-committal Make-outs (NCMO). I know I give people the impression (especially on this blog) that my goal in life is to strive for non-committal make-outs, but that's not the case. What I DO do, normally, is try to snog girls that I think would be fun to snog. That doesn't make them NCMO's. Even though I know I probably won't call her, she doesn't know I'm not planning on going out with her again, so the make-out can't be truly "non-committal". Its only a NCMO if both parties know it, right? That's what I think, at least.

I went out with Shera on Saturday. It was so much fun. The best part was that I was able to touch, flirt with and eventually snuggle a girl I was in the MTC with. It felt so weird and so extremely good. Kinda like I was breaking some rules or something.

During dinner, Shera told me about how she had recently broken up with this other guy (who happened to be an AP in our mission and he was a total dumb loser brain). Shera told me that she'd dated him since they'd both returned from their missions 7 months ago, but she had decided to break up with him because he couldn't commit. Then, out of nowhere, she tells me that he's been calling her again recently and she fully expected to get back together with him. Normally, this would have been a mood killer, but for some reason it wasn't. We kept talking and laughing and reminiscing about Ireland. It was so much fun. I didn't even think about the fact that we were, most likely, on our ONLY date.

When we got to her house, we ended up sitting in the car for another hour talking about her boyfriend ("We were on a break!") and other miscellaneous things. Then, all of a sudden, we were kissing. It was the most fun I've had kissing a girl in a really long time... and we never even left our bucket seats. It was like, we both knew it was our only chance to smooch and we took full advantage. We both knew that by this time today, she'd be back together with her boyfriend and we'd never have another opportunity. It was so much fun. I think that Shera was my first, true NCMO.

Calvin

Unhappy with Happiness

Here I am dating a beautiful, funny, amazing girl, and my mind is racing with dilemma's over silly little things. Let me elaborate.

Have you ever dated somebody perfect? I have the feeling that's what I am doing right now. Could Andrea be one of the Three Nephites? Unless that is contained in the sealed portion of the gold plates I think that's impossible.

I am usually able to find as many weaknesses in my significant others as I, myself, have. This makes me feel comfortable, it makes me feel justified.

Andrea, has very few weaknesses. She amazes me on a regular basis. For example I watch "R" rated movies. I do not feel guilty for this, and welcome arguments about it. (If you remember my conversation with her Dad) Andrea has never once condemned me, chastised me, or attempted to make me feel guilty for this.

Usually I can count on running into this problem with the girls I date. In every other case the girl has been fairly self-righteous on the issue of watching "R's". Like she is better than me because she'll watch "Yes Man" (PG-13) and not "Role Models" (R) even though both movies pretty much have equal parts inappropriate content in them if you ask me. I have always been able to take solace in the "judging" versus "R rated movies" conundrum.

I feel like I have a pretty strong testimony. I stay for all 3 hours of church on Sunday, even though priesthood is sooo boring. I'm a stalwart tithe payer. I am pretty avid sabbath day keeper. I have never tried alcohol or drugs. I have a temple recommend. All of that, and I am dating this girl and feeling guilty. For what? For every stupid little thing. Things I never used to pay a second thought too. Things like the fact that I swear here and there. I have a tendency to be crude for the sake of humor. I often forget to do my home teaching. I skip Sunday school to fraternize in the hallways. I don't go to the Temple. I commit adultery/fornication in my mind every seven minutes. I'm like 90% righteous, which I think is normal.

What about Andrea? Well, in contrast she seems to be 100% righteous. Seriously, she is not high minded and judgmental, she is accepting of everyone, and leads quietly by example. Even that little argument we had about kissing, she handled like a champ.

So whats the problem? Nothing really... I love spending time with her, I love laughing and talking to her. I just, I mean, talk about pressure. How could I live with somebody who's perfect, and if she is perfect why would she be interested in me?

Am I just eating the fruit of the tree and thinking that there's something better for me in the great and spacious building here, or do I actually have a point? I don't know.

Jake

The Unattractive Truth

We've received some constructive criticism lately in the "comment" section of our blog. We've purposely adjusted our settings to allow anyone and everyone to comment. We knew when we started this blog that we'd, more than likely, get many... many anonymous commenter's who would let us know how disgusting and vile our attitudes were toward dating and toward women. You all have definitely not let us down.

Here's the thing, though. We're trying our best to blog about what we feel. I think that we're pretty average returned missionaries. There's probably a small percentage of RM's out there who are more spiritually and/or celestial minded than we are... but I PROMISE YOU that there aren't as many as you think. I'd go so far as to say 95% of the women (and grown-ups) we interact with in real life would swear on a loved one's grave that we, Calvin and Jake, are kind, respectful, spiritual, considerate returned missionaries who are trying their best to do what's right. And guess what? I think they would be right. We ARE those guys. But in this blog, we've decided to let our thoughts and opinions spill onto the page without the burden of "appearing" to be someone else. That's the best part about writing this blog.

What I'm saying is this: We're pretty normal/average Mormon guys. A lot of you are screaming (via typed medium) that YOU know someone who's perfect and sweet and opens your door for you on dates, and whispers sweet nothings into your ear, and bares his testimony on Fast Sunday and volunteers to give the closing prayer in Sunday School. I've got news for you people. WE'RE those guys. WE do all those things. We might be in your ward. You might be coming over to our house on Monday for FHE. You'd never know.

So, if you've convinced yourself that you happen to be dating the "perfect guy", you might want to read his journal*, cause it will probably look a lot like this blog.

Calvin

* If he regularly writes in a journal, he's probably gay. Good luck with that.

Reelin them in

I often refer to my roommate Aaron as "The Bait." He is a very attractive guy, I don't really know this, but girls reactions at a first meeting make it pretty hard to think otherwise. Good looking guys and girls alike, often don't develop personalities. Why would they? They don't need to because everyone just gives them love and acceptance because they are beautiful.

In order to compete I have had to develop a personality. One I would describe as "winning." In our interactions with women, Aaron can walk into a room and get noticed by all the girls. However if you give me a chance to interact with them, I'm usually the one that they remember. So, Aaron reels them in, and then I'm the one who gets to fillet and fry them. Right now I have Andrea, and things are going great, so I haven't had a recent experience with this. I did however have a conversation with Aaron today that I think will illustrate what I am talking about.

A little background: I've been friends with this girl named Tiffany since High School. Aaron has had a crush since the first time they met. I think she'll hurt him pretty bad because she's a player too, and I've seen the pieces of broken hearts she's left in her wake over the years. In my opinion Tiffany will eat Aaron alive, so I haven't been too eager to assist him in going out with her.

AARON: So, if I ask Tiffany out do you think she'll say yes?
JAKE: Of course she'll say yes. Would you turn down a free meal?
AARON: Well, did you ask her about me?
JAKE: Yeah.
AARON: and...?
JAKE: She said she thought you looked like a young Ryan Reynolds.
AARON: Really?
JAKE: Dude you took your shirt off at the pool party... Obviously she's going to notice your Ryan Reynolds esque "sex arrows".

(Aaron gets a pleased-with-himself look on his face, which slowly turns into a look of puzzlement.)

AARON: She didn't even talk to me at that party.
JAKE: Yeah?
AARON: "Sex arrows" can be intimidating.
JAKE: Maybe, or it could have been the steady flow of other sausage that was vying for her attention.
AARON: Why don't you set us up?
JAKE: You guys hang out in the same circles, you have her number right, just call her.

(He looks at me as if I'm putting him out, I continue)

JAKE: I don't get why you are being such a pansy this one time, you've made-out with more girls since you've moved in here then anyone.
AARON: None of those girls were as hot as Tiffany.

(I look at him to see if he's joking, is he admitting he's making out with not cute girls? I mean I kind of thought so... but guys have different tastes you know. Anyway, his face is serious and he continues...)

AARON: I mean what if she's the one? Does she know that I was in the Elders Quorum Presidency in my last singles ward?
JAKE: I don't know. Why don't you drop that tid-bit in when you call her you douche nozzle.
AARON: What?
JAKE: Then on your date you can wear that busy Ed Hardy V-neck and your True Religion Jeans.
AARON: Oh yeah? She's into that stuff? Awesome man, that's what I always wear on my first dates... thanks dude, I think I'll call her.

I love Aaron to death, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. Obviously he didn't grasp that I was calling him a douche to his face here. Tiffany does appreciate a preppy, well put together guy, so maybe he'll pull it off, but she isn't shallow or vapid enough to be impressed by a former priesthood calling. Tiffany is my friend, but hopefully this displays how easily Aaron can be used as bait.

Jake

Playa Got Played... I think.

Actually, I'm not sure at all if that's what happened. So I go out with Amy on Sunday. I've chosen Amy to date instead of Carla (by default, really, but I probably would have chosen Amy anyway so I'm not bothered).

I asked Amy out for Sunday after a pretty good date on Friday. Things went well, but she was acting kind of peculiar during our Friday date. She kept asking me somewhat leading questions about the possibility that I might be dating other people. Here's an example: "So, Cal. I hear you're kind of a womanizer. (takes a bite of her garlic bread as I consider having some... just in case we kiss... she won't be the only one that reeks) Have I crossed paths with any of the other girls you're interested in?" Kind of a weird question from someone I've only been out with four times, right?

I think I could have kissed her after our date on Friday, but it didn't feel right so I asked if she wanted to get together on Sunday evening. I was careful to avoid suggesting anything that included vigorous activity or spending money. I didn't want to put her off by implying that I regularly fail to keep the Sabbath day holy. I said we could go to a park and feed the ducks... with bread that I did not purchase on a Sunday. Looking back, Amy seemed only moderately excited, but at the time I just wanted her to say "yes" cause I was pretty sure I could bust a womanizing move if we happened to be still be at the park after the Holy Ghost went to bed. Rumor has it the H.G. hits the sack at around midnight. Unless you're in high school. Then it's 10:30 ish.


Here's where it gets weird. Amy and I are at the park, sitting on a blanket and talking about random stuff. I keep trying to casually shift the conversation into topics slightly more "make-out friendly", like her favorite chapstick or if she has any birthmarks or skin blemishes anywhere on her body. Out of nowhere she starts asking me how I feel about where our relationship is going. Before I can even babble something remotely coherent, she starts telling me about how she received some revelation the night before about me. I decided to stop trying to talk and just let her go. I wanted to hear what the Spirit told her about me. She started talking about trees. Yup. Trees... and the elaborate root systems that enable them to stay upright even though their leaves are always trying to reach further into the heavens. I'm glad it was dark because she didn't see me rolling my eyes.

I'm not exaggerating when I say this, ok. Amy rambled for over 20 minutes about trees, roots, leaves and how our potential as humans can never be fully reached in this lifetime and our ability to love is somehow related to the pioneers and their struggle through the plains and the sacrifices they made should be on the forefront of blah blah blah. I honestly have absolutely no idea what the crap she was talking about. I called it quits and drove her home.

After I got home, I was telling Jake about it and he thinks I got played. I didn't really think about it, but I guess it makes sense. Amy's little monologue was so out of character... I think. Let's just hypothesize for a moment. What if Andrea told Carla and Amy that I was trying to decide which of them to date? Jake doesn't remember telling Andrea anything about it, but who knows what Jake let slip while he was butter in Andrea's righteous hands. What if Carla and Amy were both jerking me around just for fun? I think I got played, yo. It doesn't feel very good.

Calvin

Motorcycle to swing set

"Um... I've never ridden on the back of a motorcycle before." Andrea* Said. "Well, then you are in for a treat. I brought you a helmet." I replied. "I think I need to go ask my Dad, he hates these things." responded Andrea*. I furrowed my brow, even though I don't have much of a furrow, and my eyebrows just drop, and I asked, "I forgot? How old are you again?" She smacked me across the chest playfully and grinned, "Stop it." She looked at the bike, I could see her thinking intently. I didn't say anything, I just let her figure it out in her head. She smiled and said, "I have wanted to do this forever... You're a good driver right?" "The very best in the world." I responded with a grin. She said, "Okay, help me put this thing on."

Andrea* climbed on to the back of the bike and I started it up. In truth, my bike looks really nice, but it is older then I am by about 7 years. After starting it I have to rev it a few times or it will die. It wasn't as loud as a Harley or anything, but with the rusted out hole in the bottom of my left exhaust pipe it was loud enough. I hoped her Dad heard it, I positioned my mirror so that I could see her front door behind us. I briefly explained to her to lean if I do. I hoped that as I drove away I would see her dad running out of the front door shaking his fist at us. We took off, and I watched, but nothing stirred at her house. I felt kind of guilty for being disappointed.

We rode into Salt Lake for the twilight concert that they do every Thursday night. We grabbed some Thai food at one of the booths and I brought a little blanket in my backpack for us to sit on. We found nice spot to sit where we could hear the music, but could still talk without shouting. I love talking to Andrea*. We "people watched" which is very easy to do at these concerts, first of all there are TONS of people, in most of the Gallivan Plaza there is standing room only. Secondly there is a wide range of people and families that come out. It made fun conversation easy.

After the concert we walked through Temple square to get to our parking spot. I usually try to avoid Temple Square on dates because it is so cliche and cheesy. I justified this, because we were not going to Temple Square, we were just walking through. Andrea grabbed my hand. I'm not sure if it was the temple ambiance or just my perfectly planned date, but that's the first time we've held hands while walking. I realized I was smiling like a retard, and we didn't say anything for a few minutes, it was awkward, but it was awesomely awkward.

Right as we got out of Temple square these 5 tatooed gauged eared ruffians started harassing us. Saying stuff like, "Awe, look a couple of Mormons, you guys gonna get married in that temple?" and "What is this you're first date? You gonna get married next week? Which wife will you be?" I usually welcome this kind of pressure, because I am pretty good at retorting appropriately. I got into a lot of fights in high school, and not one of these guys was bigger then me. I froze up though, we had a little back and forth, but I didn't have any good combacks and they were the obvious winners. The whole scenario ended with them running off, laughing and pointing. Andrea* didn't care, in fact she commented that she appreciated my restraint.

We went and grabbed some ice cream and went for a walk in a nearby park that I had never been in. We talked about Temple marriage... not about it together, but just about it, and how it was important to both of us. I shared some mission stories, and we kind of shared our testimonies. I thought to myself, "Now I have ruined our chance at an intimate ending to this date by spiritual-ing it all up."

We had finished our Ice Cream and found a playground. We were sitting on the swings. Swinging and spinning and talking. But mostly talking. In the lights of the park she looked beautiful. I realized I was starring and hadn't said anything for a minute. I reached out and grabbed the chain of her swing which she was swinging on. It wobbled a lot and she said, "What the..." When she looked at me I think she knew. I pulled her swing to mine and with my other hand grabbed the small of her back applying a small amount of pressure towards me. I leaned in and...

Yes. We kissed! It started out soft and sweet and slow, as it should. There was no tongue, or at least I made a special effort to avoid using tongue, which was pretty cool because it made even the slightest graze of either of our tongues that much more titillating. Her hands both came up along the back of my neck and things started getting a little bit more, um, passionate ((can I interject here and say that this post is sounding really femy and lame, and I don't usually talk like this or tell stories this way, but therein lies the reason for this blog... I think - we'll see if Calvin throws me a verbal lashing for it later. Where was I? Oh, right... passionate...)) Our kiss, which to this point had lasted all of 40 seconds started getting deeper and more vigorous. Still no tongue. My hand that was holding the chains together instinctively went for her neck... without me realizing that the swings would then swing apart. We were torn away from each other! I tried to catch the chain but just ended up swatting for air. We both laughed.

Andrea* got out of her swing and walked off a little. She turned, put her arms down to her side, clenched her fists and made a quiet "ooooh" sound as she kind of shook her head fast like someone had just run a cube of ice up her bare spine. Her hands went up to her face. She looked at me through her fingers and smiled. I stood up and said, "What?" as I was seriously confused about her reaction. She smiled bigger, and then just came at me, fast! She pushed me against the frame of the swing and we kissed some more. It was so great! We kissed for another 5 minutes - still no tongue - and then she stopped and looked at me and said, "Mmm, time to go home." She kissed me once more quickly and then started walking back to the bike.

Stunned, I leaned against that pole and marvelled at how fun albeit brief that was. I thought a little bit about what her abrupt ending and interesting reactions where all about? As I watched her walk away I realized she was looking really good, and that she had kissed me, and she obviously really liked me, and that I wasting this terrific moment analyzing things and thinking, and how stupid that was that I was doing that. I chased after her...

Jake

* - Even though I attempted to change Amanda's name to "Andrea" in previous posts, I mistakenly used Amanda's real name in this post. I've gone back through and changed her name to "Andrea" to help with the confusion. If you know an Amanda and think this may be a story about her, please don't tell her. Please.

Jake's new profile pic

Calvin and I decided to pick a profile picture that we could always put at the front of each of our posts so you readers would know who was actually writing. I had been home from my mission for only a couple weeks when I started this blog so I used a pic from my mish. Since I haven't donned the black name tag for months now I decided it appropriate to change it. So here it is, I've played soccer my whole life.

I just didn't want anyone getting confused about this. I'm the same old Jake you've come to love or loathe.

Jake

Embrace of the Freckles

I was pretty much forced into making a decision last night about who I should pursue. I went out with Carla. We went to a comedy club and the comedian was a lot more off-color than I was expecting. I felt a little guilty laughing, cause Carla wasn't even smiling. She looked pretty uncomfortable. I probably should have left, but I thought he was being pretty funny. I was surprised that the comedian didn't tone down his set since it was a "Utah crowd". I know it seems ridiculous, but I just kind of thought "If they Mormonize the alcohol content in beer, why wouldn't they Mormonize the language and vulgarity in the comedy shows?"

After the show I went with Carla to a park by her house. We were sitting on the swings just kind of talking about all kinds of stuff... then she popped the question. She built up to it by telling me about how Andrea had told her that I had been dating her and Amy. See! This is what I mean! I totally suck at dating more than one girl at a time. Carla was like, "So. Are you going to keep dating us both or are you going to choose one of us?" I didn't tell her this, but I was kind of hoping to date them both long enough to snog them. Then I'd let THAT decide for me. I stuttered something about how it's been hard dating them both since I don't make that much money and my finances are a little strained. Then I decided to just move in for the kill. Usually I wait for green lights, but I was already leaning toward Amy and I figured that if Carla was an awesome kisser, I might rethink my decision.

She totally shot me down, though, which has only happened two other times in my life. I'm normally a pretty cautious predator. I don't move in unless I'm at least 98% sure it'll be reciprocated. This was not one of those times. Carla actually told me that she was gonna wait to see if I kept dating her before she was comfortable kissing me. I almost told her that she wouldn't regret it if she just gave me a go... but I didn't. I decided it wasn't worth it. I like Amy more anyway, I think.

By the way, Jake read my last post and asked me to clarify "cute" vs "not cute" freckles. I think all freckles are cute, but Carla has chosen not to fully embrace her freckles. It's like she's embarrassed by them or something so she uses makeup (base, I think) to cover them up. But I can still see her freckles through her makeup and it's extremely unattractive. You're welcome, Jake. I hope that clears things up for you.

Calvin

Also's

Okay, I've got a lot of updates, and I am going to apologize here, because with my last post about Andrea and the kiss argument this is going to seem a little anti-climactic. However, I'm a busy 22 year old bachelor, and blogging most of the time ends up being one of my lower priorities.

So, Andrea talked to me at work, and she was pretty awesome. She told me she needed some time to think about things. She told me that she really liked me, and that she was pretty upset thinking that she had messed things up with me. She did this whole "I put myself in your shoes" thing and she apologized. She told me that she didn't want to lose me. We discussed kissing a little bit, and she said that she wanted it to just come natural and that so long as we both felt good about what we were doing that she would be fine with it.

Also, I did not get to kiss her this weekend... I saw very little of her because she had a family reunion that I didn't know about. Blasted Mormon Family reunions last like three days! It's probably good that we didn't kiss though. There seems to be a lot of pressure now. I think I have decided that I will probably start the kissing without tongue and kind of let it flow.

Also, this weekend, my computer crashed because somebody has been looking at porn. How do I know? Because when it stopped working, I had to do this soft reboot thing, and I was looking around and found a bunch of these little 30 second porn clips hidden in a folder named "data." I am happy to let people use my computer but if someone is tossing it... well first off they should probably read that pamphlet with the GA talk that I would always find in my missionary flats that talked about the "little factory" and tampering with that factory. Secondly, they need to be more careful, viruses are rampant on porn sites. I have my suspicions, but I will hold my tongue until I can figure out who it is... unless all three of them are in it together. That'd be gross.

Also, I have had an ad on Yahoo for a roommate. We have had a few guys come check it out. This guy named Lance came by today he seems like a pretty cool cat. He is LDS, but used to party a lot and is just now working on getting back into the church. We should know by the end of the week if he's moving in.

Also, our singles ward sucks. Church is boring enough as it is, but this ward is lame. My buddy tells me the university student wards are a lot better. I have convinced the guys we should do some hopping next week and look for greener pastures. Aaron is the only one getting any from this ward anyway and none of the girls are cute enough or cool enough for me to respect his chick pulling skills.

Jake

Is this blog for real?

We've gotten a lot of comments about whether or not this blog is real, fake, fact, or fiction... Calvin thinks it's silly for me to even respond, however, it seems that sometimes the comments that we get are only about if the blog is real, and not about the actual experiences we're sharing.

Is this blog real? Yes, it is. It is as real as we can make it while remaining anonymous. There really are two writers, both male. There really is a Bachelor Pad. There really are roommates. There really are girls who like us, and date us... who probably wouldn't be happy with how honest we're being in this blog. The thoughts, theories, and strategies presented here are what we think about the world, our role in it, and how that all ties into us having a testimony of the gospel as commonly understood within the Mormon church.

When Calvin and I decided to write this, we wanted an outlet where we could be 100% honest, tell our story, show what it is really like, and have fun at the same time. We want to do all that without having to deal with ANY uncomfortable confrontations arising from it. We change the things that we think will give away our identities. This blog could not exist without us being mostly anonymous. Some of the names and some of the places have been changed, but the truth shines through.

So yes, this blog is based on actual events and experiences. It's as real as any movie based on a true story. That being said, just like at the end of each of those movies:

The events depicted in this blog are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

I definitely can't afford to be sued for saying some girl is a bee-otch or that she has a very poorly located mole on her face. Even though my car is 15 years old and the door doesn't open all the time, and I couldn't be sued for much anyway. So love the blog or hate it, say it's fake or real or whatever, Calvin doesn't care, and after this, I wont either.

Enjoy.

Jake

Standards... The "Double" kind.

I remember sitting in Priesthood Meeting when I was in Ireland. The Elders Quorum President would stand up and chastise... literally berate, the entire quorum for failing to do their Home Teaching. I distinctly remember thinking, "Here I am! Serving the Lord 24 hours a day, seven days a week... and these tossers can't go visit two families a month?!?!" I never said anything aloud, but I was astounded that the elders quorum would be so lax in their service to the Lord.

Now that I've been home from my mission for a few months, I completely understand. I think I've done my home teaching twice since I've been home. I've just got so much else going on. It makes me glad that I didn't say anything to the Elders in Ireland. They'd probably have head-butted me while tipping over my mission bike and setting it on fire... helmet and all.

I've gotten three messages from the Stake Executive Secretary this week. I haven't called him back and I'm feeling a bit guilty. The only reason he'd be calling is to schedule an appointment for me to meet with someone from the stake about a calling. Regardless of what the calling is, I don't think I'm worthy. I've got too much on my mind right now to worry about a calling anyway. I've still got Amy and Carla to deal with. I'm leaning toward Amy... mostly because she laughs at pretty much everything I say. And she has an adorable laugh. Carla is fun, but she has a lot of freckles. I normally really like freckles, but Carla's freckles aren't the cute kind. They're the not cute kind. And she has really small top teeth. It looks like they might be baby teeth... even though she's 20. When I see them, it gives me a pee shiver.

I know it might seem shallow that I get so hung up on looks, but I think attraction is a very important part of a relationship. But only from my end. I don't think girls should focus on looks at all. They should notice my personality and ignore my average-looking... looks.

Calvin