Gaybe

His name isn't really "Gaybe". It's Gabe. If you've read more than three of my blog posts, you know that I look for any reason at all to use the word "gay". Mostly cause I think it's hilarious. It also helps to keep some of our easily offended readers at gay... I mean at bay. Sorry. That one was on accident for reals.

Gabe served with Jake in Ireland. After I came home, Jake still had a few months left and Elder Smart came in to take my place. Elder Gabe Smart. I never knew him. He had been out for a little over a year and he'd been in a different part of our mission. Gabe got back from his mission last month and Jake mentioned to him that we had some rooms for rent. He jumped on it pretty quick.

The same week Gabe got back to Utah, he asked if we had anyone we could set him up with... like on a date. Holly and Melanie have still been hanging out at our house a lot and it's getting pretty old. I'm not sure what they're doing. I mean, they've been hanging out with us for the last year. I guess they're pretty cool and everything, but it's borderline irritating. Jake and I have been tempted lately to tell them to stop coming around. They're kinda getting in the way of our other plans. We're trying to expand our "finding pool" to include the largest variety of women as possible and it seems like Holly and Melanie are stagnant.

When Gabe asked if we could set him up with someone, Jake gave him Melanie's phone number. I'm not really sure what the plan was at the time, but they've actually hit it off pretty well. I'm not sure if Gabe likes her because they made out on the first date... and I'm not sure if Melanie likes him because she can't get anyone else living at our house. But either way, they've been dating for about six weeks. Gabe is in the process of moving into our house. It's pretty exciting to have some rent money rolling in finally. If we can just scrounge up a couple more renters, Jake and I will be in pretty good shape.

Melanie stopped by the other night looking for Gabe, but he had gone to his parents house to pick up a few more of his things. She decided to hang out and wait for him. No big deal since she probably would have been hanging out at our house anyway. Jake and I decided to take the opportunity to ask her to tell us about how things were going with her "boyfriend", Gabe.

Jake: So, Mel... how are things going with Gabe?
Mel: Good. He's a great guy. He's so romantic?
Calvin: Really? How can he afford to be romantic? He just barely got a job.
Mel: He doesn't spend a lot of money. That's not what I mean. I mean... he's just so sweet and loving. He's definitely my type.

Jake and I exchanged a loving smirk.

Jake: That's odd. I wonder why he never came on to me when we served together. Yup... that's how gay he sounds.

I start laughing, of course, cause Jake is so hilarious.

Mel (getting defensive): He's not gay at all. Trust me. He's anything but gay.
Calvin: So what does he do that's so romantic?
Mel: Well... for example... last night we were hanging out and kissing and stuff. Then Gabe started telling me how attractive I am and asked if I'd mind if he just stared at me.
Jake: He wanted to stare at you?
Mel: Yeah. He said he'd love it if he could stare at me for 30 full minutes. I said 'sure'... so he did.

Jake and I just looked at Melanie for 5-7 seconds... waiting for the punchline.

It never came.

Jake: What do you mean, "He did."?
Mel: I mean, he did. He stared at me for a half hour.
Calvin (short pause): He sat across from you and stared at your face for 30 minutes?
Mel: Yeah.

Jake and I started laughing pretty hard. I mean, who does that? Seriously.

Jake (still laughing): Who does that? Seriously.
Mel: It was the sweetest thing, guys. I don't know why it's so funny.
Calvin (still laughing): Was it like a staring contest?
Mel: No. He wasn't just staring at my eyes. He was looking at my whole face. Like he wanted to memorize it or something.
Jake (laughing): Did he ask you to turn your head so he could see your face from different angles?
Mel (getting irritated): No. He didn't. But he moved around a little bit so he could see everything he wanted to see.
Calvin (laughing): Where were you? Were all the lights on?
Mel: We were in his room at his parents house. The lights were off, but he used the light from his cell phone when he needed to see something better.
Jake: So for 30 minutes, you and Gabe are sitting in a dark room and he was just staring at you with the light from his cell phone?
Mel: Yeah.
Cal: What did you guys talk about?
Mel: He didn't want to talk. Whenever I tried to talk, he would say, "Shhhhh. I'm busy."

At this point my stomach is hurting cause I'm laughing so hard. I was just picturing this situation that Melanie was describing.

Jake (between fits of laughter): Didn't you get uncomfortable at all during this whole thing?
Mel (thinking): A little bit. I felt a little bit creeped out by the end, but it was still sweet.
Cal: How did it end? I gotta know how this story ends.
Mel: It was perfect. His cell phone alarm went off and he leaned over and kissed me.
Jake: Wait, he set the alarm on his cell phone before this all started?
Mel: Yeah. He said he didn't want to be distracted by looking away to check the time.

There you have it. Gabe is in the process of moving in to one of our downstairs bedrooms. Hopefully some of his womanizing technique can rub off on the rest of us... minus the "creepy".

Calvin