Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Gaybe

His name isn't really "Gaybe". It's Gabe. If you've read more than three of my blog posts, you know that I look for any reason at all to use the word "gay". Mostly cause I think it's hilarious. It also helps to keep some of our easily offended readers at gay... I mean at bay. Sorry. That one was on accident for reals.

Gabe served with Jake in Ireland. After I came home, Jake still had a few months left and Elder Smart came in to take my place. Elder Gabe Smart. I never knew him. He had been out for a little over a year and he'd been in a different part of our mission. Gabe got back from his mission last month and Jake mentioned to him that we had some rooms for rent. He jumped on it pretty quick.

The same week Gabe got back to Utah, he asked if we had anyone we could set him up with... like on a date. Holly and Melanie have still been hanging out at our house a lot and it's getting pretty old. I'm not sure what they're doing. I mean, they've been hanging out with us for the last year. I guess they're pretty cool and everything, but it's borderline irritating. Jake and I have been tempted lately to tell them to stop coming around. They're kinda getting in the way of our other plans. We're trying to expand our "finding pool" to include the largest variety of women as possible and it seems like Holly and Melanie are stagnant.

When Gabe asked if we could set him up with someone, Jake gave him Melanie's phone number. I'm not really sure what the plan was at the time, but they've actually hit it off pretty well. I'm not sure if Gabe likes her because they made out on the first date... and I'm not sure if Melanie likes him because she can't get anyone else living at our house. But either way, they've been dating for about six weeks. Gabe is in the process of moving into our house. It's pretty exciting to have some rent money rolling in finally. If we can just scrounge up a couple more renters, Jake and I will be in pretty good shape.

Melanie stopped by the other night looking for Gabe, but he had gone to his parents house to pick up a few more of his things. She decided to hang out and wait for him. No big deal since she probably would have been hanging out at our house anyway. Jake and I decided to take the opportunity to ask her to tell us about how things were going with her "boyfriend", Gabe.

Jake: So, Mel... how are things going with Gabe?
Mel: Good. He's a great guy. He's so romantic?
Calvin: Really? How can he afford to be romantic? He just barely got a job.
Mel: He doesn't spend a lot of money. That's not what I mean. I mean... he's just so sweet and loving. He's definitely my type.

Jake and I exchanged a loving smirk.

Jake: That's odd. I wonder why he never came on to me when we served together. Yup... that's how gay he sounds.

I start laughing, of course, cause Jake is so hilarious.

Mel (getting defensive): He's not gay at all. Trust me. He's anything but gay.
Calvin: So what does he do that's so romantic?
Mel: Well... for example... last night we were hanging out and kissing and stuff. Then Gabe started telling me how attractive I am and asked if I'd mind if he just stared at me.
Jake: He wanted to stare at you?
Mel: Yeah. He said he'd love it if he could stare at me for 30 full minutes. I said 'sure'... so he did.

Jake and I just looked at Melanie for 5-7 seconds... waiting for the punchline.

It never came.

Jake: What do you mean, "He did."?
Mel: I mean, he did. He stared at me for a half hour.
Calvin (short pause): He sat across from you and stared at your face for 30 minutes?
Mel: Yeah.

Jake and I started laughing pretty hard. I mean, who does that? Seriously.

Jake (still laughing): Who does that? Seriously.
Mel: It was the sweetest thing, guys. I don't know why it's so funny.
Calvin (still laughing): Was it like a staring contest?
Mel: No. He wasn't just staring at my eyes. He was looking at my whole face. Like he wanted to memorize it or something.
Jake (laughing): Did he ask you to turn your head so he could see your face from different angles?
Mel (getting irritated): No. He didn't. But he moved around a little bit so he could see everything he wanted to see.
Calvin (laughing): Where were you? Were all the lights on?
Mel: We were in his room at his parents house. The lights were off, but he used the light from his cell phone when he needed to see something better.
Jake: So for 30 minutes, you and Gabe are sitting in a dark room and he was just staring at you with the light from his cell phone?
Mel: Yeah.
Cal: What did you guys talk about?
Mel: He didn't want to talk. Whenever I tried to talk, he would say, "Shhhhh. I'm busy."

At this point my stomach is hurting cause I'm laughing so hard. I was just picturing this situation that Melanie was describing.

Jake (between fits of laughter): Didn't you get uncomfortable at all during this whole thing?
Mel (thinking): A little bit. I felt a little bit creeped out by the end, but it was still sweet.
Cal: How did it end? I gotta know how this story ends.
Mel: It was perfect. His cell phone alarm went off and he leaned over and kissed me.
Jake: Wait, he set the alarm on his cell phone before this all started?
Mel: Yeah. He said he didn't want to be distracted by looking away to check the time.

There you have it. Gabe is in the process of moving in to one of our downstairs bedrooms. Hopefully some of his womanizing technique can rub off on the rest of us... minus the "creepy".

Calvin

45 comments:

Kristin Lee said...

He should wait until she's asleep next time, maybe stand in a dark corner.

Cassie Lynne said...

PEED. MY. PANTS. HAHAHA

nicole said...

this can't be for real. people don't do that. gabe is creepy. please tell me you're lying

Sierra said...

HAHA Kristin that was funny.
Um he's creepy.
Careful, you might wake up in the middle of the night and find him just staring at you.

Erin said...

oh good lord.

Rachael said...

Creeper alert!

Anonymous said...

That is seriously the funniest thing I have heard in long time. What a wierd guy...are you sure you want him as a roommate? If he starts creeping out other girls, you guys might get a bad rep too....just sayin.

Anonymous said...

That is seriously the funniest thing I have heard in long time. What a wierd guy...are you sure you want him as a roommate? If he starts creeping out other girls, you guys might get a bad rep too....just sayin.

Anonymous said...

CREEPER! Melanie should run away, and quickly. And also, after reading that conversation synopsis, I'm starting to agree that maybe it is truly GAYbe, and not just gabe...lol. Any truly straight guy would want some horizontal stat! Lol.

singlemormonchick said...

that is ridiculous! very weird. he is so out of practice-give him a bit to see if he is really gay or just rusty.
i feel sad that she thought it was so cool.
you guys were a little too mean.

Heather Lee said...

Omg, Kristin Lee's comment seriously made me laugh out loud. This is the most ridiculous post ever. Melanie needs to get out, fast.

Rachel said...

My husband does that with me. It's cute. Seriously.

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

Question: Is it more weird that Gabe wanted to do this, or that Melanie was cool with it for 29 minutes?

Some girls have the most strange sense of romance...

S said...

He must be getting his "womanizing" moves from Twilight

Christin said...

I guess it just goes to show you that there is someone for everyone. I have had guys say that to me before (and I thought it was cute for a few minutes, never longer than that) but they have NEVER set an alarm on their cell phone to signal that time was up. Soooo funny!

Ashley Eliza said...

hahahhahahah. oh this just made my day that much better. creeepY!!! i can see how at first she thought it was cute but really THIRTY min.. hmm. interesting. cant wait to hear more stories about mister gabe :)

Brit O'Connor said...

That's freakin weird. Not just a little weird. He sets his timer then literally stares for 30 minutes...without letting her speak? Hahahahaha.

Sure, its cute when they look at you and tell you how pretty you are and whatnot...but a timed staring? Creeeepy.

Crystal said...

I agree with S. Sounds a bit Edward Cullen to me....and not in a good way.

Little Debi said...

I definitely think it's cute when guys want to look at me but after about 30 seconds I start to get really uncomfortable, I can't even imagine how I would feel after thiry minutes...Creepy.

Lalis said...

This CANNOT be a real story! It just can't.... HAHAHA!! Seriously, who the hell does that!!!!!

Ryan @ thesinglesward said...

If your gaydar goes off when he's your roommate, might want to lock your door when you sleep, or else you might find Gabe staring at you in the dark for 30 minutes.

Autumn said...

My roommate and I pretty much just died from laughter. What a freaking creep!

B R I T N E Y said...

I've heard of doing that for a few minutes... and that doesn't sound SO bad... But who can just let a guy look at you for 30 full {TIMED} minutes and not do anything? Not talk - nothing?! Yeah... couldn't do it. I'd jump the gun for sure.

Miss A said...

Creepy is in the eye of the beholder. Oh wait...perception is reality. I think it's awesome that this girl thought all of this craziness was sweet and cute AND that she didn't shy away from telling you all about it!

Miss A said...

Creepy is in the eye of the beholder. Oh wait...perception is reality. I think it's awesome that this girl thought all of this craziness was sweet and cute AND that she didn't shy away from telling you all about it!

Blog Buddy said...

I'd like to hear what Gabe thought of his whole 30 minute staring session-just what was he thinking?

pummelhead said...

That's almost as creepy as Rob the pedo janitor at my school. And he is a red head and EVERYTHING! (no offence to red heads. my best friend is a red head)

10ashus said...

How was it only weird until the end!? It's not normal to sit there while a guy stares at you! In what way is that romantic? Ij ust don't get it! HAHAHA best blog post in a while :)

Amy said...

You're asking, "who does that?" but Who in THE hell would let some weird ass stare at her for more than 5 seconds? They are made for each other...that is creepy...of BOTH of them.

Kati said...

ew, that would creep me out!

Kari said...

Holy heck that is the funniest thing I've ever read! Oh man, I can't believe she felt creeped out, but still thinks it was sweet. What weirdos... they kinda sound perfect for each other.

Amy said...

BAHAHAHAHA! 30 MINUTES?! Let us pray its just the effects of the post RM adjustment. I guess if she liked it though...

The Lady Girl said...

Yepp, you guys found a winner.

Monica said...

hahahahahahahahaha no I'm pretty sure there was no real womanizing technique there. It was just all creepy.

Heather Guymon said...

If my husband had pulled some garbage like that we wouldn't be married...and he would be one testicle short.

Who the crap does that??????

Molly McAllister said...

Wow! I'm impressed that she told you. This girl must have a lot of confidence. Wonder if her boyfriend will get mad about that one, cuz I can see a lot of nasty jokes comming from this

ginger said...

I'm about to jump back into the dating pool, is this what I have to look forward to?

Langdowns said...

OMG! Love it. My cheeks hurt from smiling ...

alanna said...

oh my gosh...i have caught guys doing that when we're watching a movie together or something and it has always been UBER creepy...i can't imagine giving someone 'permission' to do that!

Kayde said...

Scenario: Sitting in Borders reading this post with 4 other friends. Laughed so hard I cried...almost. Read it out loud to them and got shhhhheed. Creeper status.

Anonymous said...

I would never ever admit that. Why would she tell you? Now you guys are going to tell him and he will be mad. blah.
Good plan to get rid of her, I guess. Is she the one with the cute sister that you and Jake sang show tunes in front of her to impress her to go hot tubbing with you? Talk about femm. You could try to double with her sister, to bank on Gabe's connection.

Liz said...

HAHAHAHA

I usually don't read comments but I decided to skim read....

"S" Your comment about twilight was hilarious....

Anonymous said...

I saw this on video on eye-gazing, and had to share this link with you: (Matt Monarch and Angela Stokes)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WihELNX1aE&playnext_from=TL&videos=XpHUhkOuTFY

Hayley Jo Reese said...

HahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahehe HA. Hilarious. Sounds like.. Edward. Mmmmm. Gross.

miss lucille said...

yeah that's just... weird. what was he studying for some sort of human anatomy test or something?
geesh.